I feel more like my wife's father, than her husband.

Hi Everyone...There was a thread that was started in January of this year. It was a poster who wanted to start a thread for those who are caregiving for their spouse, and not an elderly parent. I really think if all of you go to this thread and support it with your comments, encouragements, ventings, etc.... This thread could become a major Home Thread for those of you spousal caregivers.

You can still hop around and comment on the different threads. But when you just want to comment for the sake of updating your AC family, then you can go to your home thread and update everyone. Who knows, it might become like the GROSS thread, the DYSFUNCTION thread and the Caregiver How are YOU thread.

Wouldn't it be neat to have 4 major categories to go: Grossness of caregiving, Dysfunctional Family, General Caregivers and Spousal Caregiver.

I think it would be great if this thread for spouses grows and grows with each comments/vents/tips from each of you.

https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/caregiving-for-husband-spouse-155578.htm

I am also taking care of my older husband (although he won't admit to that!). My situation is not very much fun as he is not accepting of his physical limitations.. He thinks he can still do everything, but he can't and doesn't. So it's left up to me to get things done around the house and yard. We have a large house on 12 acres so it's a lot to take care of. He gets very upset if I arrange for outside help, i.e. someone to mow the yard, do repairs around the house, etc. He states that he can do all those things but of course they never get done. We have not been getting along at all because of his attitude and I've even thought about leaving but I know that he cannot take care of the house which is a big investment and I hate to see it go down. So it's a real dilemma as to what to do. Not sure I want to live like this. I'm retired and am very active. He cannot do much at all ..even walking across the room tires him out. He's never really has taken care of himself and has had bypass surgery. Not sure of his mental state but it seems to be deteriorating too since his attitude seems irrational to me. He also seems to resent that I am very active. I keep telling him that we are both getting older and cannot do some of the things we used to ..and that it's ok. But he doesn't seem to listen. Any suggestions on how to handle this?. I

Kashi60 sound like your doing a good job. Keep doing what your doing and try not to let him bring you down. I'm in a similar situation and I know its hard. His mind will not let him accept the fact he is sick. My husband thinks he is not sick and still do everything but he cannot. So sad and irritating to me.

Kashi60 I feel your pain, as your husband and mine seem to have very similar delusions. And I go through periods when I don't deal with things so well, then find a way to cope, then lapse again. It's a constant challenge, and being an active person like you I feel that one of my more important goals is to keep myself up, physically active, interact with friends/family, which ultimately helps me deal with him. A day at a time, an hour at a time, sometimes a minute at a time. Sad and irritating indeed, but unfortunately uncontrollable. The Serenity Prayer helps!

Hi, girls. I feel your pain and frustration. My husband is a Stage 2 Parkinsons. He also tries to do things that he can no longer do and then he falls. I worry that someday he'll actually break something. He sits around looking sad all the time. We've had to hire yard work and household help. I want to move to a smaller place that will be easier to care for while he is still able but can't get him to agree. I know that with PD he will eventually need more care and I want to be able to do that.

Add me to your list, we were extremely active & all of that had to stop, my idea of fun is not driving my husband everyday just so he can get out of the house, no more long trips, no vacations, it's like our social life collapsed! It gets a little harder each passing day, but we as spouses have to hang in there together

Same here........no long trips, now vacations, no nothing! We do still go out to eat with friends. I have to order for him and help him cut up his food. But he is doing OK other than that. My only treat......eating out once a month because that is all I can afford! So many restrictions. Oh we go to church together too. I am grateful for that! At least that is comforting and inspiring to me. Hardest part of that getting him to wear clean clothes, and brushing his teeth.

oh Wam it is lonely even when you live with another! we go out to eat with friends every couple of weeks, I always order. just had 2 nd visit to dentist Thursday in 3 months ( cleaning more often as he is not doing a great job anymore) well both those cleanings ended up over $400 as 2 teeth had open pockets which were infected so they had to shoot antibiotic in there ( twice now- same teeth) - he uses a electric toothbrush - this morning I decided to go into the BR just to check on the brushing, he did not know what that electric brush was for nor how to work it anymore ( then I felt really bad for pushing him on this every day) so took him out a new regular toothbrush, and he was good to go. Financially & for his own sake I hope this gets him back on track .

I kinda think I personally would like to stay with this spouses thread, due to suggestions to join another thread that began in January & basically lasted a month, we lost contact with quite a few new comers who were following this, it can be very confusing jumping back & forth, then you cannot find where you started, we all have enough problems daily to have to muddle through a forum that should be easy for us to navigate. Thanks for trying & why don't you ask the few on the other spouses thread to come over here with us. Thanks

two pups mom, if I don't stay with Bill and watch him brush, he will not do it. I have to walk him through each step. Sounds like we are in about the same place. He also goes four times a year for a cleaning! It must be awful for the dental hygienist! And I know it is going to cost a lot extra. My best friend was lucky. Her mom doesn't have any teeth at all. She won't wear the false teeth so she's good to go. Her mom fell three years ago and was supposed to last only 6 months. She is still fine and now my friend is filing for medicaid. She said it is a nightmare of paperwork. Save all your bank receipts and all receipts for at least 5 years, was her best advice!

guess I will be sticking around for brushing time from now on. My BIL age 91 quit all dental care & no one realized it, in the past 6 months he had to have all uppers pulled then the bottoms, he won't wear dentures either. My husband was still doing so well with personal hygiene I really did not worry too much, guess I will have to watch all that now.

Now this is scary!! My husband had a tumor in his jaw several years ago that required a maxillectomy. He wears an appliance that I'd have no idea how to insert. Or how to clean the hole that opens into his sinus. I sure hope he never forgets how to do that.

Oh my goodness, for your sake I hope he does not forget either

Thank you Lindaw71 for your input. Your situation sounds much like mine and we are very close in age. It helps to hear my situation is not unique. I too, have experienced the challenges of not knowing what to expect. Some days are better than others, some moments better than others for both of us. I would love to have a support group that would minister to our situations.

These comments helped me more than any of the others I have read. I too am caring for my husband, who has fairly advanced dementia, can do nothing for himself, and needs constant supervision. He is 89, I am 77. I love him and miss him--he has always been my best friend. But he is not the husband and partner I had, and after 5 years now of progressing decline, I am burning out. I am wondering when it is the right time to move him to a care facility, but feel guilty even thinking about it.

Papillon, I feel the same as you. I have to make all the plans and take care of all the chores myself as I am sure you are doing too. It is just what we have to do. But yes I have been wishing to talk to someone who understands too. Bill doesn't talk much at all anymore so there are no discussions. He is still strong but he doesn't know how to do anything, like mow the grass, use a screwdriver or hammer, fix anything the way he used to do. He fixed computers for IBM and he was the best fixit man around. He doesn't remember the names of any tools, can't write anymore and I don't think he is reading much at all anymore. Someone told me to label the drawers of his bureau so he could find things. It didn't help because I don't think he can read. It is lonely even though he is there all the time and he won't let me out of his sight anymore. I go in another room to watch TV. He watches movies , same ones, every day over and over. He comes in the room a half a dozen times to watch me!

I retired from teaching 3 years ago to take care of him full time. My world keeps getting smaller the same as his does. I take him to Mass on Sunday because he loves it. I can relax and let him do the thing he has always down. Then he goes with me to the Methodist church service because I can't leave him alone. It is always the most relaxing day for me. I guess because I get out of the house and so does he. How about you?

May morning2 I know what you are saying. My husband is 78 and I am 69. He needs help with many things now and I am afraid to leave him alone too. No telling what he will do. He does not get lost yet and he certainly knows who I am. I think my time to put him in a home will be when he no longer knows who I am. I did promise him that! I said, "By the time I put you in a home, you won't know who I am or what you are doing so don't' worry about it now!" And he has never said another thing. He has had it for 8 years that I have realized he was acting differently. But you are older and so is your husband so you might want to get him into a home before there is nothing left of you!. I just lost his brother who also had dementia and was with us for two years after his wife died. I feel fairly liberated now that he has gone on! Much less time spent at the nursing home makes it easier for me! I too feel I have lost my best friend, my lover, my strong man to lean on, my everything. I feel lonely and alone and he is right there. I would love to have just one more meaningful conversation with him!

Yes, when a spouse gets dementia the marriage takes on a very different character. We do lose our equal partner, our lover, our helpmate. We may or may not still have a companion, but the nature of that relationship changes dramatically. We are dealing with what one therapist calls "ambiguous loss." For many years I was a married woman but I did not have a husband. How ambiguous is that?! Our spouse is both there and not there. We face a long series of losses, but there is no public acknowledgement until the final loss, death.

I highly recommend the book "Loving Someone Who Has Dementia" by the therapist who has deep insight into the concept of ambiguous loss, Pauline Boss.

I did not read through all the posts and understand the wish that there be a seperate forum for those caring for a spouse. Being a spouse I would hope that other spouses continue to post here rather than seperately. We can all learn so much from each other. Yes there is the loss of a mate, some much loved and some abusive, but the diseases take the same course and the decisions are similar. Because someone is caring for an elderly relative does not mean they have not suffered similar losses by being divorced etc. A spouse may cease to be a sexual partner for a number of reasons and most people experience the same personal reactions to that. Some grieve, some rejoice, others feel pain for the spouse. My point is that whoever you are caring for brings similar problems in some area and we can all learn from and suport each other so I would hate to see the spouses split off in the same way I did not want to see the private caregivers leave either. Everyone has something to contribute, even down to the best way to treat diaper rash. Nothing is taboo, we are all human