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What I have read here is what I often see with families - BUT NOT ALL FAMILIES - ! I think the key word is respect. That respect is taught from birth on. Not only for other people but for themselves. I gives value to life. Every generation has had it's own "thing that they live by". However it starts with a Mother and Father showing respect for themselves, their children, their neighbors and good manners in general. If children are brought up in a home that has love and respect - any other kind of behavior will be foreign or "uncomfortable" for them. They will have been taught values. They will establish their own as they journey in life and that will be their choice as adults.
The way I personally deal with this is kind of "to each his own attitude". I don't criticize or comment. However I do discuss the behavior later with my own children (who are now adults). I do not totally agree with the way they have raised their families (all differently) but that is not my responsibility. I have established a close relationship with my grandchildren and it is good! I also am close to my children and they are always there for me as I am for them. They are all different so the bond is trust and family rather than caring for one more than the other.
It is not easy to live a life and always do the right thing - or to ignore behavior that is repugnent to you. However, instead of arguing I prefer to limit the time I spend with them and still treat them with what I feel is correct.
I is not always easy to do that. When it isn't I limit the time I spend with them. No argument just I don't subject myself to what I know will happen.
In the meamtime I live my life the way I want to. I cannot change the world - HELL! I have trouble changing my bad habits!
However, I would like to send a hug to all the caregivers who find themselves in this situation. Send a prayer up for all of us. Life is hard enough without looking for more problems.

Love,
Rosepetal
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Your dad needs help!!! It is very difficult for an 80-year-old to tend to an 80-year-old. This couple has not only grown children but grown grandchildren and you didn't mention there is a fair distance to travel. Your parents SHOULD have had Christmas at their house with you all coming over and cooking. Your mother's days are few, therefore, give her holiday celebrations. It's sad because this couple that lived a fulfilling life and had children are being ignored. Yes, it's hard work but for how long. Statistics show couples outlive one another by three years, even IRS has regulations in estate planning due to this rule. Your mother is depressed as she doesn't see her daughter nor grandchildren often (I presume) so what is being done for her emotional state. Is it being satiated with love or are her loved ones just allowing her to exist? Stop swimming at the shallow end of the pool dear and give your parents their last days with grace and get your Dad help. See what local community action services are available. Church people will volunteer to do light cleaning have meals delivered. Your father is just too old while he is one step away from himself from being cared for.
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I'm sorry you are going through this; feeling like our elderly loved ones are disappearing before our eyes is normal, I think, because in a sense it is true. As each day passes, the situation changes a tiny bit or a lot, usually irreversibly. There is no going back. That's tough to accept. We can't walk in their shoes but we can try to be sensitive to their feelings. And you are obviously very sensitive and see things in a way other family members don't. Unfortunately, I think that is very common. As for the kids in the family, how many people when they are young say, "I want to live to be 100!" How absolutely ironic since most young people have no interest at all in spending time with anyone over age 25. I suppose we could ask our young people how long they want to live and when they reply "100" or "120", we can ask them how they would like to be treated at that age. Would they want younger people to treat them with dignity and respect and ask them about the history of their lives? As a young person, I did not realize the elderly relatives in my midst would soon be gone and that their stories would be gone too. I wish my parents had prodded me to think about that, not that I blame them; they had their own fish to fry. Now I would give anything for a chance to talk with those long deceased grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc., to find out who they were in their younger years. I am acutely aware that my mother (94) is my last link to dozens of deceased relatives and friends she and my late father knew. Only she has the answers to certain questions, and although I have my frustrations, I treat her as the little treasure trove she is. Others in the family don't see things as I do, but I can't control that. She is part of our "tribe" and all tribe members need to be cared for. I try to maintain that mindset, mostly because it makes me feel good and seems like the best attitude to have (at least for me). Try to relax and just be in control of what you are capable; perhaps in time, others will have their eyes opened.
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GingerMay, I feel what you are saying. There ARE sensitive thoughtful people still being born. Unfortunately, not to your sister. I wouldn't want to be around them either.
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25 would not be consider a kid in my world. So obviously this is not new behavior for this man, I find it truly heartbreaking that we live in a world that has NO respect or compassion for each other, it is there with many, but we see the other so much more frequently it seems to be everyone. I had a dear friend when I was 22 and she was 68, she had a stroke that affected her ability to walk, when we would go places people actually talked over her to ask me if she wanted something or how she is. WHAT? We began being smart**sed about it to shock people into realizing how hurtful it was to her. When someone would talk over her, I would do my very best drunk impression and repeat the question to her, she would then answer in a very dignified way while patting my hand as though to comfort me and help me understand, then we would both bust up laughing, I can't tell you how many people apologized to her for treating her as nonexistent. I know some of them still think about how to address seniors and/or the disabled and treat them as the human beings they are. With technology so prominent in young lives they do not even know how to interact with their peers, so we are in trouble as a society.
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What you have described is very sad. I see it as people's worlds closing in on them. It would be wonderful if you could find someone, or two, to come and visit regularity, especially if once in a while they could bring something engaging to do. Perhaps flowers to arrange--can't thing of anything for your dad--but something that shows that the visitor thinks they are still capable of doing ordinary things. Short of calling houses of worship I can't think of a way to arrange it. And, your parents might not like it; my mother reuses to have anyone visit (except family) because she is very hard of hearing and is convinced if she misses a work, they will think she is rude.

I don't know what to do about people outside being rude.
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Arianne—so nice to read that you’re in a place that values people of your and my dad’s generation, refreshing to hear!
As for the younger generations, my dad’s favorite thing to say is “it’s what you learn after you know it all that really counts”
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Not easy getting old and incapacitated for those that were once active and healthy. Only natural to get tired of the life they now live with the knowledge that things will only get worse . Have lost many friends to old age and perhaps children also. We all have to come to the conclusion that we are not going to live forever in this body, and i know for myself that there is a better life waiting for me. But ill health and weariness really effects anyone's mental attitude,

As far as your sister, everyone handles stress and grief differently, some cannot handle it. Her son? Hopefully he will change when he has children or he will be raising them to be like himself..
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Seniors have a tremendous amount of wisdom, experience and knowledge that would be of great benefit to younger generations. Unfortunately, younger generations don't and/or can't appreciate the value of that wisdom and knowledge until they are older themselves, and many times after it is too late to make changes. The cosmic joker is at work again.
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You can't easily get to know someone on a couple of hours no matter how often you visit, so given our modern society it is small wonder there is a disconnect between the generations.... very few families have the ability to spend days or weeks together. I know a lot more about my mom than my sister does because I spent my weekends with her for years before I became her caregiver. I knew my grandparents - and their friends - because I "holidayed" with them as a child and lived with my grandmother one summer as a teen to be closer to my job. If the younger generations only exposure to your parents is enforced family functions then they can't really be blamed for not loving them as you do. As for the lack of empathy... I don't see that as confined to a particular generation, young people tend to behave as they have observed their elders behave.
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wi57twin, form a family whatsapp group. Then next time you can message them: "Hi there! Your grandpa is in THIS room."

I loathe smartphones, too 👿 but if you can't beat 'em...
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My 88 year old dad has advanced dementia as well being in hospice for a incurable cancer. I live 4 minutes away from his AL and visit him almost daily. I visit with several other residents as well as many do not seem to have many visitors. Like someone else mentioned, my two lives far away and sees dad only 2-3 times a year. When I was sick over Christmas she could have borrowed my car to see dad but did not.
One visit with dad sticks in my head as all the grandkids visits were all glued to their phones versus visiting with grandpa. So sad to see.
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This is a conversation that I feel is so important for our society. I ask myself many times what has happened to the respect our elders used to receive from younger generations. They have so much to share about their experiences and lives, even if they have memory loss or aren't exactly the "way they used to be". And we can all learn from them! I see this with how some people treat my Mom now but also have personal experience with it. After I retired, I decided I was no longer going to color my hair. I didn't know what to expect as I been coloring my hair since I was 25. To my surprise, my hair was totally white! I was still in my 50's but with white hair, at first glance, people would mistake me for being quite a bit older. I began to notice that I was treated differently by quite a few strangers - clerks in the store, people passing on the street, etc. It was like I was invisible or non-existent. I was shocked! I decided to do a little "study" and bought a brown wig. On the days I would wear the wig, there was a noticeable difference in how people treated me than when I went out with my white hair. It was very obvious that the connection was how old I was perceived to be and not at all about who I was. When I see someone elderly now I make it a point to at least smile, say hello and let them know they are valued as people. How wonderful it would be if our society would, again, get back to respecting our elders. It would be a win/win for everyone.
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I think that is very sad, and I am sorry your family is so self absorbed. It must hurt to see this. Take care of your parents and love them all you can, you don't need your sister and her family to help or to care.
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GingerMay -- It's heartwarming to hear your tribute to the men and women of the greatest generation and to read comments on the subjects by others here. To Daughter of 1930, my nickname might be "Born in 1931." In April I will be 87 like your dad. My husband, who served the U.S. in WW II, would have been 92 if he had lived this long. I live in an independent living facility for U.S. war veterans and their spouses, so I'm used to veterans being treated with respect, It's good for me to be made aware that this isn't always the case. Dads Daughter74 -- Thanks for the quote from your father-in-law.
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"Disappear from this world." Well stated because that's exactly how I've felt about my parents, in their early 80s, for the last few years (mom died early this past December after a whirlwind diagnosis of bone cancer in November followed by 9 agonizing, lingering days in hospice where she eventually died), like they are slowly just fading away.

The 25-year-old sadly sounds like so many of the Millennial generation-- entitled, spoiled and self-absorbed (then again, maybe we always have been) so I'm not surprised anymore when being inconvenienced by others takes precedence over being kind and compassionate to people who can't help being old. And it's difficult when you're caring for parents pretty much on your own. Like many people, I have a sibling who really isn't involved-- he comes around once every few weeks to socialize with dad and take him to dinner... none of the real work is ever done, my husband and I get that pleasure.

I get short with dad sometimes, too... I work full-time in a job that's demanding and where people look to me every day to make decisions for them. And then have to do it for him. Sometimes I don't see it as an opportunity, but as a burden, and then I feel guilty, but it's short-lived because we are, after all, only human with human failings.

I take a lot of deep breaths and pray, it's the only thing that bolsters my resolve to buck up and be not just dutiful, but loving during this last season of my dad's life. I can't change my brother's involvement or attitude; I can only manage my own, and have to be content with that.
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I would first suggest heeding the advice of Countrymouse who offers excellent insight and help.
I have a different perspective as the caregiver for my wife who suffered a sci leaving her paralyzed. We are younger than your parents but I see the effect of what you describe from the actions of our (2) adult daughters. I have tried talking with them and it always amazes me how much they do not understand about their Moms condition she's had for over 10 years now. At times they give the impression that the light of empathy was turned on but than it quickly fades. I think the situation is too much for them to deal with so they choose to avoid it. I long for them to just spend time with her but have come to accept they are the ones who will live with their decision after she is gone.
You sound like a daughter your parents should be very proud of and I would suggest to do what is in your own heart and live by being an example. Take the gift you see before you and leave the quilt to them.
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It is sad but all of us can see the decline in our society for respect for and value of elders. I don’t blame your dad for feeling as he does. We generally live in a more self absorbed society. While you can’t change the values of your siblings and their children you can reflect to them your attitude and values. I think as we the baby boomers get even older, we will be shocked how the younger treat us.
As young people become more absorbed into the world of technological devices and less interested in conversation, I’ve noticed their skills at simple customer service is lacking. Many can’t even mumble a simple thank you, when handing you your fast food order, or check out at a store.
Some Young people are uncomfortable being around aging people. Even adults are reminded unconsciously that they will one day be old so they don’t want to face it. I remember as a teenager how I hated seeing my grandfather become "senile" as we called it back then. It’s up to us to educate people on how to treat and see elders.
Your parents world is narrowing in which is typical as we age. Sad..yes...but not unusual. I’m sure we will be saying the same things they are if we live that long. Talk to a geriatric psychologist or read up on the subject to understand it better. You sound like a very caring daughter and are doing the best you can.
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Well I can certainly identify with self-absorbed sibling! I am bored of hearing, 'You can't make people do something if they don't want to'. Young people learn from example. People get caught up with their own priorities. It's all very well being there at the funeral with flowers and saying I loved them. Love is about being present and then our parents, in their final leg of their journey, might feel valued and actually smell the flowers when they can!!
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Ginger...

People have different inclinations, interests and priorities.

Your sister wanted her kids to have a nice, jolly Christmas. Not actually evil of her, I'm sure you'll agree?

Your 25 year old nephew has something to learn about engaging his brain before opening his mouth. Does what he said mean that he wasn't bothered that his poor Granny was too ill to join in? I doubt if he'd even considered the question from that point of view.

The thing is... if you want people, especially young people, to think about things more widely and have more consideration for others, you have to prompt them. A gently humorous "I'm sure Granny wouldn't have got ill if she'd known it would ruin your day, darling boy" might pull him up more effectively than your criticising him to his mother and then simmering about it for weeks afterwards.

I like elderly people. I am interested in their lives and their experience, and I always have been. I never found my grandmother boring (intimidating, yes, but that's different). My siblings, on the other hand, protested every time she telephoned, visited or invited us over as though she were some sort of social intruder. Well, here's one result of the different attitudes to older relatives.

When my great aunt died aged 99¾, I took it on myself to draft an address for the funeral officiant to read. My sister said to me afterwards: "where did you get all that from? I didn't know any of that." What could I say to her? - try asking, dear Henry; except that of course it was now too late. And sister was the one who'd missed out, especially on the spicier anecdotes which I'd felt weren't suitable for a funeral.

I think you should leave your sister in peace. It's not for you to say how she brings up her children, does Christmas or includes her parents in her world view. And I'm not sure who will benefit if you still feel the same next December and refuse an invitation to join them (if issued, of course) on principle.

But if you feel your parents and your sister's children would benefit from interaction, suggest it! Ask them to come with you to prune the hedges one Saturday morning, or rehang the curtains. Tell them their grandparents would love to see them. Make every suggestion refusable - you want volunteers, not conscripts - and see what happens.

Try not to make it an issue of age and respect for elders. Try treating all of the parties involved as *people* - members of a family who, in the general run of things, can be expected to want to know one another.
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The subject isn't funny, but every time some expert tells us we need to lose weight, become a vegan or comes up with a new list of "shoulds" that will extend our lives, I think, please, what for? Who truly wants to live past a certain age? Granted, I'm 63, healthy enough, try to stay busy and active, not a smoker or drinker and not eager to depart this life right now, but the thought of living more than another 20 years on this earth just does not appeal. (And I'm not advocating any kind of euthanasia, by the way).
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We have a different situation. Our dad is extremely non compliant as far as letting medical professionals and home health aids in the home. Out mom has alzheimers. Dad only wants family and he was recently hospitalized as a result. He was always the caretaker of everyone until mom's illness. Since he is mentally competent it is within his right to throw all outside help out. We, his children can't be martyrs. We visit, and with the help of his urse, continue to try to convince him to accept pt and a home health aid parttime. He will end up back in hospital due to extreme denial. Any suggestions?
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My dad was diagnosed with dementia 5 years ago. My mom was his primary caregiver and it just wasnt in her skill set. She put up with his decline but she refused to have help come into the house (Dad refused too). Dad went into hospital for a UTI and Mom declared out of the blue that she can’t take it anymore. Well, that was a complete shock to me. She never once had a talk with me about her stress level. Dad went into a memory care floor in a retirement home. Mom visited but her heart wasn’t in it. She did it because it was the right thing to do. He declined slowly. Eventually, he had a stroke this past November which stopped his ability to swallow food or liquid. The end was near. My brother (who lives 4000km away) decided to go on a 2 week vacation to Hawaii with his wife instead of coming home to spend the last weeks that dad had left on this earth. My mom was ok with that! She and I kept vigil taking shifts in the hospital until he passed away. My brother booked his flight before my dad passed away so he could use air miles. He was lucky to be there for the funeral. My brother and I have never been close and his actions will not bring me any closer to him. My mother I continue to forgive because she is my mother after all. I love her even though she makes wrong decisions. She was there through it all. So in a long winded way, to answer your question, I know that I have people in my family that don’t understand that we should cherish our elders. My father in law always said, “Do things for people while they are alive or you may regret it.”
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Medical science keeps everybody alive and is no longer unusual to live to be in their 80's and 90's -- along with it rise in Alzheimer's and other diseases of aging such as heart and lung diseases and diabetes takes its toll. Nobody wants you after age 80 and many do become a burden to their family which is why we have nursing homes.
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Well, there are plenty of self-absorbed people out there. My brother is one. Didn't come back to see mom in the last seven years of her life.

But there are also really good people out there who have plenty of patience for seniors. I was the Executive Director of a non-profit where we had volunteer drivers drive seniors to their doctors' appointments using their personal cars. We had/have over 100 volunteer drivers who are willing to spend up to two hours driving and then sitting and waiting for seniors during their appointments and taking them back home. They don't get paid and they barely even get any money for gas - most get none. They do it out of the goodness of their hearts. There are organizations like this all over the country. So there are definitely good people out there with a heart for seniors.
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I get exactly what you’re expressing. My parents were/are of the same generation. The longer my mom has been gone, though I still miss her daily, the more I wonder if anyone else remembers her at all. And my dad, at 87, often brings out the impatience and disregard in many. My dad frequently says the same as your dad, he feels too old for this world, doesn’t relate to much of what goes on today, and is ready to go. One of my two self absorbed brothers has stated he “won’t put up with any old people junk” from my dad and would have been happy to have “put a pillow over mom’s face” in the nursing home and just ended it. Like you, I feel sure this sibling relationship, already tenuous at best, will be non existent after our dad is gone. I’ll fully admit my dad is often a challenge, but he’s also been a terrific dad, always had time for us, and we’ve all benefitted greatly from having him. It’s sad when others don’t see the things this generation has to teach and offer, even in their declining time.
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