I feel like I'm losing my identity.
SHould not be the case, and as stated in another thread, it's largely my own fault for not getting out more since being here.
I haven't made any friends locally and often I'm just too tired or just don't have it in me to go out and be social. So I know I need to do that and sometimes and just trying to conserve gas because I don't have much money. So I don't get out o the other, 'non-retirement" side of town.
I was feeling crowded earlier just being stuck in here with mom all the time. I have been getting out for a few minutes when I start to feel agitated so that I can go calm down on my own and not escalate things in the house. SO I left and went to Barnes and Noble and walked around which is a place of sanity for me and one of the few things in town that could be considered halfway stylish. There's something healing about being drawn to books or subjects that mirror what is missing in your life, something grounding and informative about it. The subjects change at different times. Today the ones calling me were nature books (hiking field guides of local plants), travel books (take me away please) and books on exploration. Also a book on self-control/impulse control, Joyce Meyer's "Battlefield of the Mind," (bad attitude), some books on history and science, and the display with some wonderful-smelling soaps and bath items. (That's my favorite thing, luxury baths the tub here is awful and very tiny and the bathroom is beige and brown and eighties). These all pint to things that are missing now since I"ve been here. I don't do anything for me anymore, it's all about keeping mom company. And it's not her fault. She's lonely and dependent, but doesn't need 24 hour care. I'm just being lazy in not getting out. She told me to get out and get a life.
I guess i"m feeling like there's not much of a life to be "gotten' here. I miss my friends, the outdoor activities, the freedom of my own place, the grounding of little things like having a place in my living space (in this case,, a room) for mementos that things that are meaningful and inspirational. I miss my furniture, photos, personal items that are in another state at this time. There's not room in here for the ones that are with me, nowhere to put them out . No room for a bookcase. The room is functional but old, small and not very inspiring. My space is a big deal - a sunny reading nook would make a huge difference, as would a simple spot to put up mementos and decor (in this case, one large picture) and there' really isn't a space in here. And even when I can find a little nook to relax here, mom is always here because she does not go out. Ever.
The other strategy used in the past was to get out to an inspiring coffee shop and spend the day working there, and there are a few chain ones here but they don't do the truck. I try to make it work. I feel like I"m losing touch with the world, touch with myself, and I'm rotting in a retirement area and just need something new and fresh and stylish around. I feel old and very plain. I could rot here and never have an intelligent conversation again The world is passing me (and this town) by. I'm turning into a vegetable. Lettuce. Rutabaga.
And have gained 20 lbs.
This is mostly a vent, I'll pull out of it and try to build some kind of life. Just feeling trapped tonight. Thx
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Maybe an art journal would help.
It's hard to work here in the house, so Im going to get out in the mornings and just be gone, just to get a separate energetic space within, to work. Even if it's just the laptop at the park.
i looked this weekend for local churches, and none here really were along the lines of my beliefs, but I did find one about an hour away and may hit that from time to time. I think getting out more in general will provide the opportunity to start meeting people.
I am used to living alone as well as working from home, so it's inconvenient to go elsewhere where there may not be a phone, my files, etc. But sanity is going to require creating a separate space. I wish I could afford to rent an office and maybe soon... It's easy to fall into a rut in the meantime.
I also may create a little corner end table by the bed, even though the space is small, and put a few personal mementos out.
It's really about how to create a separate energetic space for yourself in a situation like this when you are not even in your own home, and when someone is dependent on you and you end up having to be sort of their world. Don't like it, not a tall, but ti's the reality of what's going on.
I wish! Nope. Not a chance. And getting her to socialize is darn near impossible, perhaps because she's a bit odd and on some level she knows that her social attempts are not going well, Mostly though she refuses to go out anywhere - except occasionally to the store - because of the stress and anxiety it causes her. She will only go when I take her.
It's guilt for me because one time I was away and Dad was taken to the ER... Mom called me and left a brief message to call her... I tried to call back but the line was always busy.... talk about panic city. I flew out on the next flight. Every flight thereafter became more and more stressful as I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. Eventually I was *grounded* by guilt.
Thank goodness I am still employed, it gives me sanity, and other people to talk to... and I feel so lucky to be working for someone who understands the trials and tribulations of helping out a loved one who is house bound.
Trapped, is there any way your Mom would consider an independent living facility, where she would have her own apartment, and be around a lot of people of her own age group... I bet she is feeling lonely herself, and to talk of old times with others would be great.
On the brighter side (in a way), as her dementia gets worse, her poking at me is less. On the less bright side, she is requiring more of my time. The good news is that I made two sales today that will pay the bills. That's what I try to keep my eyes on. We have to take care of ourselves while we're taking care of them.
There also seems to be this resistance when I go anywhere. I'm here trying to generate work from home, so I get criticized for being home and on the computer for long hours. Yesterday I left for a few hours, and after coming back, mom started getting on my nerves again with little things, so I decided to remove myself and go to the bookstore for awhile and chill, I was feeling really cagey and trying not to let it come out at her. And then she went off about how i shouldn't spend the gas, how it was hard on the car (the bookstore is two miles away) and how I didn't need to go out "every five minutes." I can't win. She seems to feel threatened when I leave and critical when I stay. Everything is very extreme with her and what would be hardly ever leaving, to most people, is "every five minutes" to her. But I do know that getting out of here and getting a life is not optional when it comes to maintaining sanity. I've just gotten into a rut here, to the detriment of my sanity.
Mom doesn't need 24/7 care either most of the time, but some days are worse than others. Some days she has horrible pain, some days she forgets things, some days she's likely to fall and need more assistance. Other days she gets along pretty good. The problem with going out somewhere is that you never know when her episodes are going to occur. If I go out for some "me" time, and spend a couple hours socializing (what's that?) or shopping or going to a movie or whatever, I may come home and discover that my mother has had a bad spell and fallen or been in a lot of pain and needed help while I was gone. It's not uncommon for her to be having a good day, then call me frantically from the bedroom needing help. Sooooo..... I don't get out much. It's been a couple years like this. Getting worse all the time. But the worst thing I can think of happening is Mom dying. Right now we're planning on moving up to the Vancouver, WA area, so I can get more help from my family. They all live around there. If nothing else, I can invite them all over for dinner once a week and socialize that way.