I feel like a failure.

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My mother is 78, she has neuropathy and has fallen 3 times in the last year, some confusion (not determined to be dementia) high blood pressure, diabetes, obesity, hoarding, incontinent, edema in legs, arthritis, depression, TIA x2, chronic kidney disease stage 3, vertigo, and a list of other things. I am her caregiver and I am also a CNA and work 40+ hours in a facility. I am having a lot of my own health issues, that I think may be related to the stress of caring for her. My husband and grown children say I need to put her in either an assisted living or long term care. I have told them I can't unless she has a fall or gets hospitalized. I signed on for this when she turned over her house to me and my husband 20 years ago. I have a sister and brother that I do not get any help from. I do not love my mother and am emotionally unattached, but she is my mother and lives with me. She can be very negative. I take her to all her appointments, and miss sleep because of this, she waits until I am leaving for work, I work 3-11, to tell me if she is having any problems. I have asked her to tell me sooner so I can make any calls I need, but it is always as I am walking out the door. She did it to me today and I ended up missing a day of work to take her to the doctor. I am so stressed over her and it is taking a toll on my health. I am so depressed, I am having issues with my heart (going to cardiologist), fibromyalgia, IBS, and so on. I do not know how to even start the conversation with her that I cant take care of her anymore, I have told her I am afraid every night on my way home, that I am going to find her on the floor, she just laughs it off. She does nothing around the house except make a mess then leave it for me to clean up. Recently she was not happy with me because I cleaned out her bedroom and told her this hoarding can not continue, she says I dont understand those are her things and she needs them, I said you dont understand....if something happens to you and I need emergency personnel to come and help, they need to be able to get to you. she says yeah I know and laughs or starts crying. She knows if she starts crying that it really bothers me. She is and always has been a great manipulator. I promised I would take care of her until it came to a point where I couldnt, but I am not sure it has come to that yet, she does still get around with a walker, but is unsteady. She does not shower, she washes her hair in the sink and uses a washcloth on her body. I have tried to get her to shower but she refuses. I feel like no matter what I do its not good enough, I am trying to please her, my husband, and everyone else, but me. I can not show any affection to her and that bothers me, because I love all my residents and constantly give and get hugs, I have never been able to hug her and will never be able to. I have been told I am in denial about what I need to do....I guess I could be but I just dont know.

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Self Care is important !!!! I can assist you in locating a respite program for your parent so you can regroup
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Someone posted a useful tip from their therapist the other day. Your problems with your mom can probably be divided into three categories: predicamnts, problems and things that you have no control over. Therapist asked client, when her thoights were racing, to try to prioritize this way.

You likely have no control over how you feel about your mom, right? Just see et it aside. Don't bother about it.

You can't do anything about mom's dementia/mental illness.

Figure out what you DO have control over. Work on one of those at a time.
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Someone posted a useful tip from their therapist the other day. Your problems with your mom can probably be divided into three categories: predicaments, problems and things that you have no control over. Therapist asked client, when her thoughts were racing, to try to prioritize this way.

You likely have no control over how you feel about your mom, right? Just set it aside. Don't bother about it.

You can't do anything about mom's dementia/mental illness.

Figure out what you DO have control over. Work on one of those at a time.
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First I want to thank all of you for taking the time to respond, I cant express how much it means to me. As far as my siblings go, I have a brother that lives in CA so that is no help as I am in CT. My sister (59 yrs old) has her own problems her husband is 82 and failing, we have never been very close, she has more money than I could even imagine, but she has no clue, about life as her and her husband live a very sheltered life. My other brother(58 yrs old) lives about 10 minutes away but has no interest in visiting or anything that concerns our mother. She has been very manipulative and feels if anyone wants to see her then they should come to her. I have reached out to my oldest daughter, and she is actually giving me a lot of support, she is looking into all aspects of medicaid and what we can do. I am about all cried out, I cried all last night and I am so stressed. My husband has been wonderful and is giving me alot of support also.
As far as the house goes it is mine, so no I would not have to sell it. One thing we did right was make sure that she had nothing in her name. I do see a counselor and she is great, its just that I get so overwhelmed and stressed that I have forgotten how to take care of me. I have always taken care of everyone else first, and because of this my health has been getting worse. I have lost 70 lbs in the last year and I really have no appetite. So I guess it is time to get the ball rolling and get all the information I can to start the process, I know it is not going to happen overnight, though I wish it would. I need to take care of me, but I dont know how.!!
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"I signed on for this when she turned over her house to me and my husband 20 years ago. I have a sister and brother that I do not get any help from." So she's been living with you for 20 years now?

What would be the plan if she were to be moved to a facility? Would you have to sell the house to pay for it and move elsewhere? Does she have the funds to afford living in a facility? Or would she qualify for Medicaid?

Do your sibs not help because you were "paid" with the house 20 years ago?

(I found out recently that one of my brothers was surprised that my mother "gave" me her car. I let him know what I'd already done to earn it, including staying with our mother for 8 days and nights while she was nearly helpless. The car's Blue Book value is $3000. The last thing I need is my mother thinking even more that I am "taking advantage" of her. Turns out he denies ever saying that to her. And of course this is the brother who lived rent-free with my parents until age 29 and they moved, and also the brother who didn't bother to see my parents for 5 years one time.)
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As the others have said, you are not a failure. My mother is very much like yours and I understand that tug you feel. Deep down inside, we are always hoping to get that relationship with our moms that we always wanted. We also have a very strong sense of duty. But your main duty is to yourself. If the shoe was on the the other foot, would she be caring for you, or someone else, the way you do? Having her move to a facility is providing for her care just as much as if she were living with you. But it's better! The mother\daughter dynamic is missing and your mother may be a completely different person for her caregivers. I know this to be true for my mother.

Bottom line, sweet lady, get mom into a facility. Get a little counseling to help you move forward and for goodness sakes, take care of your health. Sounds like you are needed by many! Please update us.
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Your mom's manipulation has emotionally enmeshed the two of you together like a dancing partner. She will not stop dancing despite anything you do or say, however, you don't have to continue to dance. You can stop, but often to get freedom from this kind of enmeshment, one needs the guidance and support of a counselor. 

This does not mean that you are weak or that anything is wrong with you. What it means is that in order to gain freedom, you  (like most people) are going to need someone who is going to have your back on this journey to freedom.  

It's not easy and can't be done over night, but it can be done. I know for my wife worked hard with a therapist to get her freedom from a very manipulative mom.
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When you don't love a parent, it's a lot more difficult to tell when you've reached the point where keeping them at home is doing them more harm than good.

You've more than reached that point.

"Mom, you know that I said I would care for you as long as I could. Well, I can't anymore. I know that you wouldn't want me to destroy my health to care for you, and that's the point that we've reached. We'll find you a good place to live where you can get better care than I'm able to give you here, and we'll visit often so we can have fun together".

Get going on the research today. And no, you're not a failure; that's your mom's manipulation working on you.
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Your are not a failure in taking care of the mother you don't love, but you don't seem to be doing so hot in taking care of yourself.

You said you would take care of your mother as long as you could. Time's up. You've reached your limit. Now it is time to continue overseeing her care, in a care center. Advocate for her. Visit her to be sure she is being treated OK. But, no more hands-on care in your house.

Listen to your husband and adult children. They seem to be seeing this more objectively than you are.
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Well, you are certainly not a failure by any account. You sound like a warm and caring person. You say that you cannot show any affection to your mother, and that resonates with me, because I felt the same way about my mother (who was also a great manipulator). You should not feel bad about this - this does not mean that you do not love your mother - because it is only a healthy reflex: emotional distance is the only way to survive.
My mom had dementia (she passed away two months ago) and lived in a nursing home for more than three years. I have constantly felt like a bad daughter to her. A friend has helped me to see this in the bigger context of my mother's constant desire to be independent, and that has taken some of the guilt away.

It sounds like you always put others first, so maybe the question you should ask yourself is this: what is the best way to make sure that you can keep helping all those around you, including, but not limited to, your mother?
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