I have both of my parents living with my husband, my two childern and myself. I am unable to work due to my parents can not be left alone and need help with everyday living. My mom has Alzheimer's its not at the point to which she dosen't know us but she does forget things that happen through out the day. My father is 83 and is unable to go outside due to his many heart problems. He has a problem with his heart that can't be fixed due to his age so it is a blessing everyday when he wakes up. The thing that is troubling me the most is that my family is all aware of my moms disease and they tell me if you need us to take her out for you just let us know. Well thats fine but I feel that I should not have to ask. Am I wrong? I feel she is there mother to and they should just help without me having to ask. The other issue is when my mom calls my sister who lives in another state she tells her things that are not correct and even though my sister knows mom has Alzheimers she does not call me to see what is really going on. I feel as if she thinks mom isn't as bad as we have told her. My sister comes down only once a year and acts like mom is fine. My husband tells me not to let it get to me cause we know what is really happening cause we are here everyday. But it bothers me that she does not call me after talking with her to see what is right and what is wrong. Am I wrong for feeling this way? I could use some advice on how to go about this problem with my sister and getting the family that does live by to be more helpfull without me asking. Now I do have to say that my mom does not like going places without me comming along which is a problem cause I really do need my space as well. I am looking forward to hearing what you all have to say. It is nice to have a sight where I can get things off my chest and to get advice on what I can do.

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taichi109 ,

Your answers to my questions have helped me to understand your situation better.

I've also seen that not all nursing homes or assisted living are created equal, but I've also seen my mother pridefully hide her long term health insurance policy from me which she bought in 1996 with ryders for home builder care and home health care which when she needed she did not want to use and she along with my step-dad in a wheel chair decided to hire a person off the street to work for them for a few years who ended up forging close to $12,000 checks.

My mother's neurologist and other professionals kept trying to talk her into assisted living, but it was a stroke and then a broken hip that sent her to one.

Now her long term insurance is paying 80% of her bill and she wisely bought ryder that made her premiums stop being due. The nursing home is a good one and I make random visits at randoms times and days to keep and eye on things.

My step-dad and his helper go over there every day for a few hours. My mother has been in that nursing home since May of 2009 and has received much more in insurance payments than she ever paid in premiums plus she's not paying premiums anymore. While I'm not glad that she hid this from me, I'm glad she bought it and put its premiums on auto draft at the bank.

I'm an only child with a wife and two teenagers of my own of which one has ADD. Both my wife and I are disabled. We are not in any position to be able to take care of my mother or step -dad here at home either money wise or space wise. Not only did my mom hide her insurance policy from me, but she also hid the fact that taxes were not paid since 2004. My step-brother and I have had a time getting this messed cleaned up and it is almost done. I would have never been able to do without the durable POA. I do hope you have both POAs for your parents which I assume someone with your working background would have.

The biggest difference that I see in your current situation and your work is that from work you could come home, plus you were not, most likely, related to anyone there. However, you no longer have a home go home to plus you are taking care of your parents which is far more personal. When things aren't that up close in your face and personal it is far easier to not let things get you, but their level of need and your choices which I understand might end up landing you in the hospital and then who is going to take care of your parents?

I'm not a therapist, but I'm sure it would help you both deal with things and also be beneficial to have an objective outside opinion to see a qualified counselor who knows something about these sorts of issues.

BTW, when was the last time you and your husband went out on a date; celebrated an anniversary or birthday in which you stayed over night? Are you able to have mother/daughter time and attend things she has going on at her school, etc. I'm glad your son has a job in today's economy, but I also hope he's getting more education so that he can get a better job and move out on his own and I hope he's not having to supplement the family income.

I think it is sad when our parents refuse in their mentally declined state to use something like long term health care that they paid for over the years for the very time such as this. At some point, at their age, their health needs are going to go over your head both personally and professionally. I hope one of the nursing homes you worked in there is a good one because you very well might need them both for your parent's care and your survival.

Take care and keep coming back to let us know how things are going.

To answer your questions crowemagnum, My husband has the weekends off so once in a while I am able to go and do something for myself. My parents have health care but my mother and father do not want anyone in the house takeing care of them but me. Once my father had to have a nurse come in after he got out of rehab and it made them feel uncomfortable. I have always said that I would take care of my parents myself as long as I am able to. I have worked in nurseing homes and why some are good there are those that aren't as good. With my mother not handleing the disease well she also does not want certain family and friends to know whats wrong even though I tell her if they knew then she would not feel so bad around them. I worked in a memory unit and seen all stages of Alzheimer's it just with my mother she has this way about her that she always needs to go out and do something and I just don't always have the time with having to take my kids to there after school things. My son is 19 and works and my daughter is 15 and is still in school. I know this is my choice to take care of my parents I don't know if anyone in my family would do what I do but I've seen first hand nursing homes and Assisted living and I am not a fan of it. In the end I just need to talke care of my parents as well as myself. My husband always tells me if I don't stop letting things get to me I will end up in the hospital . Thank you for the input it does help to talk to those who know where I am comming from.

"they tell me if you need us to take her out for you just let us know. "

They can't read your mind and have lives of their own for unlike you they have not quit their jobs and thus not as available and flexible as yourself. So, they need to be asked so that they can plan to do that on a certain day at a certain time if they are serious about this. People do much better with direct, detailed and concrete communication instead of passively waiting in the land of the should, ought, could and would. If their offer is not sincere, you will find that out real soon and the guessing game will be over.

The sister is the typical see them hardly at all adult child in denial.

I empathize with your feeling alone, but I'm wondering who else in the house might be feeling alone and thinking you should figure that out without them having to tell you or maybe they have? First, your husband and ya'lls relationship as husband and wife. It sounds like you are running a nursing home in your own home and with an immediate family I could see them feeling alone. Second, what about the children?

It does not read like you are getting a break much or even at all which is not healthy all around. So, how is your health?

Do your parents have any long term health care policies; retirement or other means that could pay for qualified help to come over during the day? I could only imagine as a parent myself what a cut in the family budget your not working has probably made with two children at home, I don't think you mentioned their ages.

naheaton is right. Forget about how it SHOULD be and accept the way it IS. Just tell your family what you need. They are not gonna take the initiative to actually do anything. You need to be proactive and give them a list. Don't let your frustrations get out of hand. It is so easy in this caregiver business.
When you are a responsible go getter, as I think all caregiver are, it is hard to understand people who aren't like us. But there is only one of us in every family. The rest of them need prodded.

Forget the should or should not thing with your siblings who cares?, if they have offered to help, let them do it. Tell them pointedly that you need someone to come at a certain time and do a certain thing period. As for the sister, just remind her that before she goes putting everything your mother says in stone, ask you first. Everyone knows there's two sides to everything.

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