Fed up with the medical support telling me how I should feel or act as a caregiver.

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I have been the caregiver for my father-in-law for over two years. He is end stage stage copd and currently receives Hospice care at home.
To say he is a controlling man is an understatement. He is, at best,a difficult man and very stubborn about his medications or listening to the doctors/nurses/social workers.
I know everyone expierences dying differently. That's all I keep hearing. That it is his decission about end of life care. He has the final say so, etc., In my brain, I know this. I am a very logical person, so it is diifficult for me to even try to understand an irrational behavior, but I try my best.
It seems as if I keep getting mixed messages from his care team and to be honest, I am fed up! Don't get me wrong, for the most part they are angels and great people. But, I ask you, if every person expieneces dying differently, wouldn't that also apply to caregivers? That our type of caring style would be different from each other?
I was very honest with my father-in-law in the begiining of my choice to be caregiver. I told him that I am not a very affectionate person, but that I am caring. I told him that I am tough ( being raised by a srict military father ), so that I would push him to do the things that I felt he could do for himself. I told him that I am not one to do a lot of small talk and I also told him, that there would be some things pertaining to his care that I could not do, such as bathing, changing diapers, etc., On the other hand, I cook very good meals, do his laundry, run errands, take care of all medications, clean the house and take care of his fianances. I might also add, that last April he was given four months and that was almost a year ago.
So how do I cope? I vent. I listen to music. I write. I work in my garden. I pray.
My father-in-law, comes home from respite care today. Two days ago, he was already giving me orders over the phone. The Hospice nurse told me he was disrespectful and bossy, not to mention argumentative. I told her that was something I expierence everyday with him. I was happy that she went through that, so maybe now, they will get it.........that I am doing the best that I can in a difficult situation.

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geez, by baby lettuces criteria me and our parrot both need anger management. bird sed blow it out your ass..
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Swearing and three separate, angry responses to an imagined slight, defensive response to a suggestion - all indicate a need for anger management. Come on Caregivers, let's try to stay on-topic for DinaGrey!? I hope we can move on now...I know I will. :D
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Thank you, AlwaysMyDuty - I appreciate that - feisty, huh? lol - I wouldn't describe myself as feisty but I guess I am! People ask questions & I answer them too - which is my right as everyone else's - demanding & rude? Noooo, that doesn't belong on a public site - but I know what you mean & appreciate that!
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I like to think Karen is feisty! She says what she feels. You know where she stands, no guessing required. Not a thing wrong with that. At least she's not demanding and rude like some others.
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Lol! Karen, on one of the prolific threads off the wall comments from people not familiar with the site are called "drive bys." Sometimes they never come back, and sometimes they can become your best friend:) We are all a little weird sometimes, right?! It's a caregiver thang! Baby Lettuce! Come back and show us the real You!
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Really, seriously "anger management"? How long have you been on this site? I've seen folks in worse situations than me - don't know where you got that from...we don't even know each other & you're recommending anger management?
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krusso, you might want to check into some anger management...
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Well, like I said, I'm a Hospice volunteer - I enter volunteer & grief notes - & from what I've seen in the grief comments - what survivors say about Hospice, for the most part it's positve - but again...Hospice isn't perfect - I really hate to say it like this but if you want perfection - the only place you'll find it is in heaven - remember, Hospice nurses are PEOPLE I know of course they're bound by professionalism but sometimes stuff happens - as for people telling caregivers how to behave - well, when mom passes I will file a formal complaint against that nursing home!!! The DON even wanted a closed door meeting w/MY two private hires WITHOUT me in the room!!!Now how awful is that?!!!Look, Dina, I'm so very sorry Hospice is treating you this way - I mean that - I don't know what else to say! since he's your FIL, where is your husband, if that's not being too invasive? Just know we're all here to support you & each other...
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Brava DinaGrey! As a healthcare professional, it sounds to me like you are doing a great job, and you won't have to endure this pain much longer. Just keep doing what you are doing and you will have a place in heaven where your father-in-law probably won't be. You never mention his son. Where is he in all of this? Ask him to do some caregiving and give you a break.
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Krusso - you have 4 comments showing - the first one starts with "I am a hospice volunteer, BUT..." - is that the one you didn't think showed up?
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