My Dad (94) and Mom (82) live in a nice Independent Living Facility where one meal/day is provided. They have many acquaintances and join in the multitude of festivities the community provides.
They function well as a team, though the situation will change dramatically when one passes. Dad can walk, is 95% deaf, and had glaucoma laser surgery 2 months ago - so vision is not optimal. He walks with a walker because the deafness has left him with no equilibrium. Dad's latest brain scan determined his brain had begun to "atrophy."
Mom has little to no lower body strength but still manages to get around with the help of a walker - though getting up and down from a seated position has almost become virtually impossible. We are probably one year away from a motorized wheelchair - if that long.
Recently Dad ran a routine errand in the car, about 3 miles from his home, and ended up lost, 30 miles away, getting ready to go up a ramp into oncoming traffic. Through the GRACE OF GOD he was stopped and both car and Dad were brought home by police. As a result, DMV received a notification of the incident and, Dad has subsequently had to turn in his license. Dad CONTINUES to remain adamant that he was "just confused" and got turned around and that he can drive and has been doing so for 80 years.
Since the loss of his license, his anger has escalated to an uncontrollable height. While he doesn't act out physically, he emotionally abuses my mother who is already beginning to lose HER mental faculties. Her short term memory is not good, so I would not say she has Alzhemers, but possibly early onset of dementia.
The emotional abuse has always existed in the 64 year marriage, but the escalation because of the loss of his license (which is, of course, my mom's fault) has become so problematic my mom wants to leave. She loves him. She can't stand him. He is killing her. She cries at the thought of losing him. She wants to live with me. She can't leave him. I sit by and listen and try to encourage her to the best of my ability (from 5 states away), but it is killing me to know how abusive he has become.
Mom now must drive him to his appointments and, by the time they return home, she has to "take a nerve pill" just to be able to breath and keep from having a nervous breakdown (my words, not hers). He yells and tells her what a lousy driver she is the entire time they are driving.
The obvious solution is peace will come when God's time has come. MEANWHILE, what can I do to keep my Mom from having a full on nervous breakdown and get my Dad under control. He will not allow her to visit any other single ladies in the community because he fears she will "share their business." He accuses her of flirting with other men and workers throughout the community and brings her to tears. She tried to hire a cleaning service because she has ALWAYS kept an immaculate home, but he will not allow anyone in his home! I love my Dad and Mom, but my Dad is no longer the father that raised me. He is a constant victim, never takes responsibility for anything that happens in his life, has never once uttered the words, "I'm sorry", and has no empathy or sympathy for any other living human being except ME! I have an older brother but their relationship is different because my brother shares many of my dad's traits. I simply am seeking anyone's thoughts on how to 1) keep my dad from mentally and physically destroying what little time my Mom has left and 2) get my Dad under control.
Any comments, thoughts and ideas are MOST WELCOMED!!
A very frustrated, very sad, loving daughter.