My father calls the police whenever I leave the house - Part 2

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Sounds like your sister's done a reality check. And though your heart must be in your boots, in the long run it's probably for the best that she has.

Meanwhile, though, you're back to square one; and first of all let me send you a shoulder rub. Yes, you must be depressed. This is a blow.

Do not despair. There will be a way.

Hiring a caregiver is an expense that legitimately can be charged to your father. Can he afford it?

Moving your father to assisted living... If he won't consent, you would have to go through the process of having his cognitive impairment and therefore legal capacity assessed before you could enforce a move. Who, if anyone, has Power of Attorney for your father?

Worrying about what and whether he'll eat when he gets there is a bridge to be crossed when it's come to, and in any case not by you - handing over responsibility to an ALF means that kind of thing ceases to be your problem.

Meanwhile, from what I could gather of just this last post, your father's mental state is not something that you can cope with on your own. Get help!

You cannot be forced to live in your father's house with your father, caring for him full-time to the extent that you are unable to earn a living or live your own life. If he needs more support than you can provide by yourself, he will have to pay for it or, if his income and assets won't cover that cost, his living arrangements will have to be revisited and he will have to sell his house and move. Not a question of kicking him out for anyone's convenience: it's a matter of how he can afford to support himself, given that his living costs now include the cost of substantial assistance.

You've got a whole load of things to think about, and you're probably feeling overwhelmed. Your sister, if I may say so without p*ssing you off, sounds like a practical person when it comes to actual planning. Take the day to think about what you want to do *for yourself*. Then talk to her about dovetailing your own plans with options for your father's care.

If your father plays up and starts with the weirdness, call his doctor and ask someone to come and carry out an assessment at home. While you're at it, ask for their best advice on managing him. And look up Teepa Snow's videos if you haven't already.

I'm going to shut up now, God knows you must have too many thoughts running around in your head without my adding to them, sorry. But you have my heartfelt sympathy along with positive wishes. Your situation is really tough. Take courage! There is no problem that can't be sorted out one way or another. Keep posting, hugs to you.
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I am so angry, my sister now says that he will only be moved if it is a medical necessity, that his health plan can't be transferred (I called them, that's correct) and that we will not kick him out of his house for our convenience. Our convenience? She said that she will move here if necessary. My being here is causing negative emotional impact, what do you think will happen if a 3rd person is living here? Can someone please help me try to understand her thinking? What about my life? Now, I'm stuck with not being able to leave the house to support myself, how am I supposed to live if I don't have any money? Hiring a caregiver all day will cost $200.00, $1,000.00 a week. He will not eat food that is not his restricted diet that he prepares himself, which means if I move him into assisted living he will not eat their food because they will not allow him to cook. Wow, this is such a shock, I was actually starting to be happy, now I am very depressed.
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Glenda, I wish you the best of luck and hope you can make a fresh start once this nightmare is over.

But to be fair to your Dad and your sister and all her family, especially any little kids, when you hand him over make sure she has any information you can give her about how your Dad has been recently. And make sure you give her this website's address! I didn't see your earlier posts, just this one, but that's enough to think she'll need all the help and support she can get.

You've done your bit, seems fair to me that this time you let someone else do the heavy lifting. Best wishes to you.
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glendalough, regarding your original post... some of us here seeing a post that has no paragraph breaks can make it difficult to read. I know it does for me. I can understand that some hand held computer/cell devices one has trouble created paragraph breaks. Double spacing may or may not work.

As for your Dad, has he been tested for a urinary tract infection? With elderly people, having a UTI can create all types of strange behaviors.
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assandache7
Thank you. When our mom had a brain aneurysm in 2000 which left her unable to care for herself, I helped my dad take care of her until 2007 when she passed away. During those 7 years, my sister never offered any kind of help. Now she needs to step up which she is, she offered last year to have him move up but at that time he only had a small amount of mental impairment. I never wanted to remove him from his home but this is to prevent putting him in a place, he will hate it as he will be out of his comfort zone but I don't care, he will adapt. I will make sure he has all of his belongings that he needs. She lives in the mountains near Oregon which is really beautiful, I wish I could live up there. He will have access to a good medical care clinic that his medicare covers, unfortunately the nearest hospital that has ER is 4 hours away but they have air lift for that, the fresh air and stimulation from the people and grandkids (3 grown) and his 2 great grandkids (3 years old and 1 year old) will be good for him. He probably won't even realize he's away from me and there won't be a phone nearby for him to use. This will be a God send for my sanity and health.
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Glen your decision to have him move in with your sister is the best choice for you right now...
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Thank you all for your responses. To those that think I wrote to much, whatever, I don't care, you shouldn't have to follow rules as to how much you write, if that was an issue here, my posts would not have gotten approved. I have seen other sites where people have written more than I have.

I have set up caregiving which starts tomorrow. I ordered a Catscan to see if he might have had a stroke, it showed he hadn't. He is now on Quetiapine 25 mg. split morning and night. I was putting my stuff away in the kitchen yesterday and he said he was going to throw my junk away, he said I was pushing his stuff aside. I was on the phone with my sister after this happened to tell her what is happening with him and I had to go into a closed room as he was trying to listen to the conversation. When I came out he asked who I was talking to and why, I told him it wasn't his business, he asked me again and then he said that he was going to call the cops because of all of my junk. I can't deal with him anymore. He thinks I am trying to take over the house.

My sister lives 7 hours away by car and we have decided it is best for him to live with her and her family, she has grandkids, the place she lives at has a lot of people that can help him and give him what I am not willing to which is constant communication and to keep him engaged, I want to get away from him all the time.
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He's anxious about your hardships but his mental state and inability to process your moving into his house is miserable for both of you. If he has resources get some good in-home or assisted-living care. If he doesn't have money maybe a Medicaid Community Waiver of some sort would help. I hope you have POA so you can address this with medical and financial people. If he lives long enough - say beyond private-pay/Assisted Living status to SNF status he must spend all resources toward his care, assuming he has no spouse to support. He needs help this year rather than 5 years down the road, so the 5 year rules won't be of any help in his situation. Think about keeping him safe and yourself sane. You can't reverse old age, mental decline, or the fact that he will perseverate or obsess on you. It sounds like he's already making you the focus of his remaining mental abilities.
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Glenda
Not sure of your family dynamics but if you've moved in with your father because you have money problems it is not good for either of you - depending on his age and health he could go on for years and you will not be able to leave him unattended for long walks and errands - his behavior is not unusual and my mom called the police too when I worked late - remember he is scared and doesn't understand why he doesn't know what's going on - he will become very clingy

a couple of starting points for you to consider :
- Do you have siblings ? If so, are they nearby and can you all coordinate care which will include getting financial and healthcare power of attorney- these are important documents that you will absolutely need - who handles his money and bill paying now?
- Do you live in a community where there is a senior center ? It can provide you with referrals and resources
- Does your father have a doctor ? When was he there last?
- Does your father still drive - doctor can assess and notify DMV if need be
- if your father can afford a caregiver at home then try to get one through an agency for a few hours a day so that you can ge a break and start making plans - it takes awhile and you don't want to make matters worst for either of you
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cwillie,

I know I wrote a lot. Your observations in the first paragraph are what I'm thinking is what is going on.

He was not like this before I moved in, he had some mental impairment, but all of these disturbing behaviors started after I moved in last saturday. I think that the move triggered something. I had no choice but to move back home, I couldn't get a job and have no money to pay rent. He is better today, he's not doing those behaviors.
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