Family suddenly taking unwanted interest.

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I am the caregiver for my best friend and lover. I have my own apartment but stay overnight often and practically live with him. He was recently hospitalized for taking medication that caused paranoia and now his adult children are pushing strong for placing him in Assisted Living. Neither I nor his doctor feel this is necessary yet and that he can still live at home as long as he no longer takes that medication. The children live far away but have recently displayed an intense interest in taking over my duties and shutting me out of his care discussions. I feel like he sometimes wants to just give up and go into AL just to appease them. If I thought he needed it I would be all for it but I really don't think he needs it yet. He is not incompetent but they are saying that it will just get worse and they are doing this because they care for him. They are pressuring him and it seems they are beginning to cut me out of his care. I am disabled, myself, and am overwhelmed sometimes but feel we could just use some extra help at home. I am despondent about this. I don't want our life to change nor do I feel it has to and I feel as if the family is taking over where there is no need. He has early onset Parkinson's and is just 63 and every facility we've looked at just seems too "old" for him. I feel he will soon "become old" if he should have to move into one now. I feel like my opinion is not being taken seriously and wonder if I am being pushed out.

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I know how wonderful it is to have this place to vent. Is that all you want or do you want a resolution? Seems to me this stress you speak of is self-perpetuating by both you and your partner. If both of you and his doctor don't feel he needs AL at this point then he just needs to firmly state that. As someone suggested get a time frame from his doctor so that he can say in X number of years I will start looking, but right now I'm focusing on A, B, and C and would like your support with that. Stop running after each suggested place. As for the POA and I would also suggest a separate MPOA, you need to stop being so nice. You see where things will go if he takes a turn for the worst. So either accept that you will be excluded from any decision making and be willing to go along with whatever is decided; or since he is willing, go ahead and have him make the change and appoint you. Either way the two of you need to just make a decision and stick with it.
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This Valentine's Day, let Tammy Wynette's "Stand By Your Man" be your anthem. Ask his kids the denture-dropping question "Is going into ALF the best for him or for you?"
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You didn't want cause a rift in the family, but now his children have driven a wedge between the two of you. Fight for your man and fight for what's yours. Talk to him again about changing that POA over to you. Otherwise he'll spend the rest of his years miserable without you, in a place he's not yet ready for.
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Thank you all very, very much for your suggestions, words, and caring. I appreciate it very much. I am taking a break now and trying to take some time off for a few days so if I do not answer you, please know I am not being rude. I just need to prioritize my time right now. I truly appreciate every single answer. Thank you.
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97yearoldmom, You know, you are right. I think we both tend to be more open about things but if he wants that, then yes. I do not have a POA. Thank you so much for answering.
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diamondsister1, Yes, we should. Thank you for acknowledging that sometimes families do that. And finally, yes, of course, they are thinking they are doing what is best. Thank you for your answer.
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You asked me why should you have to take action to defend your way of life from your partners children. Because it is important to the two of you. Because the children will ultimately have the upper hand if you don't AND maybe will anyway. You don't have to tell the children you and he have taken these steps until it is absolutely necessary. It will give you a level of assurance that your partner is in charge of his life. He can always change his mind. New question. Who is your POA? You were so close to his children. I wondered if one of them was your POA?
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You both need to sit with an elder attorney. His wishes will then be in writing & honored. This relieves everyone of making decisions for him. You will both have peace of mind in doing this. Sometimes family pushes older folks into assisted living sooner than needed to take care of their own worry & not visiting guilts! It makes life easier for them. And it could be they are sincerely thinking they are doing what is best! He needs to sit with attorney and spell out his plan for his own future or deal with pressure from others! Try to stay calm & guide him in the direction that will make him happiest. It may or may not match what you think is best. I am sure you want him to be happy and safe!
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Oh, and Pam, I support him in all decisions! That's why I'm on here!
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Pamstegma, Thank you for your post. He has early-onset Parkinson's that has been well managed by a DBS insert but his doctor put him on a medication that caused the paranoia. He has never shown any paranoia before [in the 15 years since I've known him] other than when he was placed on this particular medication. So, I don't believe it is Parkinson's related although there is such a thing as Parkinson's paranoia. But this recent episode happened within 2 days of taking that medication and completely dissipated once the drug was out of his system so I can only deduce, as does his neurologist, that this was drug-related. I will try to compare notes with Oregongirl. Much obliged.
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