I'm whining again. I recently had a birthday party for my dad. Most of the family showed up. Only one person besides me brought a gift, no one else even brought a card. I do not understand them at all. It's a birthday party!! Fast forward a few weeks. Although I've had party after party, offered my home to them in times of crisis, babysat, etc. I just found out that one of them is having another family birthday party, but my kids and I are not invited. I have truly just about had it. My dad asked me tonight if I was going, and I told him I wasn't invited. He was completely stunned. Until now, I've not been forthcoming with him at all about the numerous slights and multiple times they've ignored my attempts to communicate, as I wanted him to focus on his health, and not on family drama. But it all just came tumbling out tonight. I told him how they've ignored me, and said unkind comments, and that my kids and I have come to consider him, not them, our family. We've never even been invited to most of their homes, despite having invited them for parties that require a lot of work, time, money, and love. I'm realizing that I've all but been dumped by my family, and they're going to completely dump me when my dad is gone. They've shown a mild, sudden interest in helping out the last few weeks. I've been trying not to assume that they were afraid of being cut off financially, but I don't know what else to think. There are so many details that I'm pretty sure this won't make a lot of sense. I've posted about similar events before, but I just can't seem to get used to this. I feel shaky and like someone just slugged me in the stomach.
For me, it is 2 steps forward and one step back. I just now had a cringe moment with my sister that I want to beat myself up for but am trying to not be hard on myself.. i'm human.. and so are you.
So my cringe moment.. My boundaries are no calls whatsoever from them during my work hours for any reason.. all calls go to voicemail and I return them later unless its an emergency. (which they rarely call so not hard to enforce.. but when they do they like to call during my work hours)
I was on the phone for a work issue and I see my sister calling on my cell.. Deep down I hope beyond hope that she cares and is calling because its the right thing to do. Against my set boundaries I call her back.. and she says... I can't talk now.. can I call you back later? .. that's her MO.. she will not call back and we both know it. OMG!! When will I learn? lol ... its a setback... I will get up, dust myself off.. and next time..... do not break my own boundaries!!!!!
This is tough.. on one hand I let them show me just how much they don't care.. but deep down I keep wishing they do care.... Things just aren't going to change and I need to accept that and stop letting them into my life .
Sorry .. didn't mean to be a downer on your thread... its an ongoing struggle for me.,, the important thing is to keep the focus and don't allow them to keep you down!
I took care of my father,,for years actually,but the 2years before he died he lived with me and my husband. He originally moved in with my sister but after 2 months she called me crying saying she couldnt do it anymore. I was more than glad to take my father in. My mother walked out on us when i wad 12 and my brother and sister were 6 (twins) my dad got custody of us and pretty much spent his life devoted to taking the best care he could of us. Anyway,never did my brother or sister offer any help. My dad had emphysema and heart failure. He went to 4different dr.s every few months. I took him to all his appts. And anywhere else he wanted to go. Eventually i quit my job because besides taking care of dad i was also raising my granddaughter. My sister complained that she couldnt help because she was busy with her daughter. Not once thinking that i was also busy raising a granddaughter. Dad noticed that i was the only one there for him. He asked me not to long before he died if i wanted him to change his will and leave me everything. I told him no (i would have spent the rest of my life in court
Now that dad s gone my brother and sister have nothing to do with me,partly because i emailed them both a letter telling them that i couldnt understand how they could treat my father the way they did after all he did for us.
Hang in there i know just how you feel. I am so gkad that i was able to b there fir my dad. I dont regret one second of caring for him even though it was hard at times. There were plenty of friends and relatives who witnessed what i wrnt thru and they wete there for me im sure someone will b there for you
Listen to this when you have a few moments..
Today, I’ll not resist. You think I’m no longer fun? Yeah, I guess you’re right. Sorry to disappoint you. Next! You think I’m a B”@&h? Yeah, i guess from afar it might look that way. Sorry you’re disappointed. Those who are willing to look a little deeper will realize what’s really happening, and give me a huge hug.
Surrender, don’t resist, live.
Thank you for your updates. I can relate. For me, I think being the oldest of 4 children and being a Cancer sign, and my own people pleasing personality has contributed to me being neglected by my family. They figure, she is so good at it, just let her do it. Not realizing how much anger and resentment that person might have.
Thank you for your tips and I do hope to do better.
Day #18: caring for a LO is like getting divorced. Focus on children & you can’t go wrong. Focus on the LO & you can’t go wrong. People will negate, talk, ignore, etc. but it doesn’t really matter. Such people won’t be the appropriate choice to look to for support. Don’t ignore them but don’t give the 5% of the people in my life 95% of my attention.
Goal: I'm not going to belabor this today. Taking a break. Snapping my hair tie on my wrist each time a negative thought about them comes up. I'm also branching out, seeking other relationships.
I did not do anything to make them feel the way they do, so there is nothing I can do to change the way they feel.
It has helped me with some hard family dynamics. I also think that if I have to be something other then what I am, I'll choose the people that want me just as I am. There is a worship song by that name, Just as I am without one plea, The Lamb of God died for me.
He knew everything about me and yet he still went to Calvary for me. I'm okay, even if no one but Him sees it.
Keep loving dad and kids and you and knowing you can do it.
I'm happy that Im in the position to help my LO, but I cannot go down with this ship.
I have too much left to do.
Thought: the situation I'm in is temporary. the trajectory of life is not static. things will change. doing small things that will help me through this is okay.
Another thought: Let them (unappreciative family members) think what they want about me, the more important thing is how I feel about me. They're wrong, so why am I falling for this over and over again? I've been complicit to some extent in the narrative they're writing about me. STOP!
This thinking is easier to follow through on after a de-stressed night. WOW!! What a difference this made in my overall wellbeing.
Have a lovely day.
8 min abs
Success is not final. Failure is not fatal. It's the courage to continue that counts.
Suzee, you're very courageous.
Here is the link to that quote.