Family doesn't want assisted living.


I had to place my mom in assisted living for dementia and alzhiemer's. It's a very nice place, but she hates it because my brother tells her she doesn't have to be there. I noticed things weren't right over a year ago, no one would listen except the doctor, and finally when she got hurt and found proof of her not taking medicine, you know the rest. Mom hates me I'm stealing her money, I'm sticking my nose in her business. Telling her what to do? Says I thinks she just a stupid old woman. My brother doesn't do anything to care for her, at first she stayed at there house 5 1/2 days, then my uncles for 7 weeks, called him a son of a bitch and accused him of keeping her in a cage. During the time at my uncles we found out my sister in law had decided moms medicines weren't right and changed doses, Well my uncle was the first Trustee of my mom's trust and I'm the second. He finally had enough it was making him so sick his doctor said get out now, or you will die before her. So now I'm in charge and mom's still hating me, I told my brother if he thought I put her in a bad place, if he believed I was abusing her, stealing her money, call the cops, they can contact the doctors and social workers, bring it on, and oh yeah he owes her money, even declared bankruptcy on the debt he owed her

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I can tell you right now why brother thinks it is a bad idea. When she was home, she was giving him money, cooking for him etc. He'll get over it. Tell him to stop upsetting her. Tell the facility he should only visit her in a common area where staff can hear and see the goings on.

I agree with above. I'd read a lot about dementia and accept that many dementia patients are unhappy and complain of their AL. Even those who don't have family members suggesting it. You may not be able to dissuade her from this belief, due to the brain damage involved with dementia. So, I'd try to eliminate that as a worry and focus on positive things when with mom.

And you know that the other family members are off base, ill informed or unreliable, so, I wouldn't allow them to bother me either. Try to stay focused on your mom's care and taking care of yourself. Pleasing family members is overrated and not very practical. Learn to focus so that they don't push your buttons. I wouldn't get into challenging them. You know the truth, so I'd let them have their own drama without being included.

All that Eyerish said, plus, have your mom seen by a geriatric psychiatrist, please!! The right combination of meds can make all the difference in the world when elders start presenting with agitation and are becoming verbally abusive.

There's an uncle who is about to keel over dead from stress, a brother who thinks assisted living is a bad idea, a sister-in-law who's making medication changes, and everyone's swirling around your mom who has dementia.....yikes. Too many cooks!

Your mom deserves some continuity of care. It sounds like there's been a lot of back and forth, she's living here then she's living there, this person is the go-to person then that person is the go-to person, etc. I know it's not that cut and dried and that the situation is very stressful. As adult children of elderly and sick parents we get thrown into the deep end (sometimes overnight) and it can be a mess. I remember those days too well.

But it sounds like you're on the right track now. Your mom is in an assisted living facility and with dementia that's a good place for her to be. If your family doesn't want assisted living what do they want? Is someone going to step up to the plate and take over your mom's care 24/7? Someone with dementia needs stability and routine and having various family members at various times taking on part of the responsibility is just chaos. Mom can't be expected to hop from relative to relative, house to house, new routine to new routine. And the dementia is only going to get worse.

You made the right decision in placing her in a facility. Family drama has no place in the life of a person with dementia or the person who has taken on the responsibility. Most people don't realize that when they place their loved one in a facility the caregiving doesn't end. YOU'RE the caregiver now. Let all of that drama swirl around without you, you have enough on your plate.

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