Families can STRESS you too while caregiving!

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I JUST WANT TO SAY FAMILIES CAN STRESS YOU TOO, I HAVE BEEN TAKING CARE OF MY DAD FOR 4 YRS I MOVE IN WITH HIM IN 2005 MY OLDEST SISTER WAS HERE BUT SHE DIDN'T WANT TO TAKE CARE OF MY DAD SHE MADE A EXCUSE THAT THE FAMILY WASN'T HELPING AND SHE KNOWS THATS NOT TRUE CAUSE I HELP A WHOLE LOT.BUT WHEN I MOVE IN HERE IT WAS THE SAME THEY STARTED OUT HELPING CAUSE THEY HAD THERE HANDS OUT FOR MONEY MY DAD HAS ALZ.HES NOT TO FAR OFF CAUSE HE PRETTY MUCH KNOWS WHATS GOING ON.HE FORGETS SOMETIMES BUT IF YOU STICK TO A TOPIC HE WILL JOIN IN.BUT THE THING OF IT IS MY FAMILY SEEMS TO THINK I ABUSING MY DADS MONEY NOW I WORK PART-TIME AND I WENT PART TIME CAUSE I WAS GETTING ANY REST TO CARE FOR MY DAD. SOMETIMES I USE SOME MONEY TO TAKE CARE OF EXPENSES MINDS AND HIS ITS MOSTLY HIS I FOLLOWED HIS WISHES MY DAD NEVER DID CREDITS HE ALWAYS PAYED FOR HE STUFF WITH CASH OR CHECKS I DO THAT. MY MOM IS PASSED HE TOOK CARE OF ALOT HER HEALTH EXPENSES SO HE PRETTY MUCH LET THE HOUSE GO SO I TALK TO MY DAD ABOUT THE REVERSE MORTAGE ON HIS HOME TO FIX IT UP LIVE LITTLE MORE COMFORTABLE WELL IN MY FAMILIES EYES IM SPENDING THE MONEY ON ME BUT WHAT THEY HAVEN'T REALIZED IS THEY DON'T COME DOWN ANYMORE THEY DON'T EVEN SEE MY DAD AND THE REASON WHY CAUSE I WON'T LEND OUT ANY MORE OF HIS MONEY THEY OWE HIM ALOT EXPECIALLY MY OLDEST BROTHER AND HAVE.......NOT....PAID....HIM BACK BUT IT A CRIME FOR MY TO USE SOME OF THE MONEY I PUT MONEY BACK EITHER IN MY DADS BANK ACCOUNT FOOD BILLS ETC.BUT I LIVE HERE SO I HALF TO DO THAT ITS A SHAME AND THEY ARE REALLY STRESSING ME OUT. SONYA

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Hi Judy,
I'm glad you wrote. Venting helps, even though we can't physically go and give you relief. It sounds as though the family hired you so they don't have to "deal with" the mother with dementia. That is so sad. She does need them, even though she doesn't recognize them.

And you should have regular relief so you can get some time for yourself. If the family won't give you a break themselves, they need to hire you a backup. They can't expect to hire someone 24/7 with no relief. It's inhumane to you and unfair to the woman you care for. Please try to find a pastor,a social worker or someone to speak to them for you.

And keep checking in. We're here to listen and share.
Carol
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I am a 24/7 caregiver. I take care of a lady who is 90 yrs old. What I find is it is very hard to make the family realize that the caregiver needs some time to herself. I love my job but sometimes it is very stressfull. The family hardly comes to see her so they dont really know how hard it can be. Trying to make them understand that she needs her family even though she does not recognize them. I have told them this many times to no avail. I guess I needed to vent a little so I thought I would write this. Judy
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You are so right that families can be a huge stress for some people. You are in a tough situation. You are doing what is right for your dad. Please protect yourself by keeping good records of where you spend any money that is his, and any of your own money on him. That will help you with your siblings and you will need that if he goes on Medicaid. And if there are records of the money they've borrowed from your dad, hang on to those, too.

I hope you and your dad can stay somewhat comfortable. Fixing up the house will make it easier to sell when that day comes, too. Just remember to keep records of what is done there, too. Keeping records is more work, but you will be glad you did.

Carol
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