Facility or home care? It is a personal choice. Misguided guilt should not cause anyone to make the wrong decision.

Alva,

True, these are heartbreaking situations. We grieve long before a person dies.

We can’t deny though that some people make it a mission of theirs to tear people down by laying on the guilt trips instead of lifting them up with encouragement and support.

As Cali, Lea and many, many others have said, caregiving at home isn’t always what is best for the elderly parents or the family members.

Sad but true and why is it usually someone who doesn’t even have a family member in their home that they care for?

According to the most recent news, it looks like the UK will be getting the vaccine before the US.

Should be interesting to see how it goes for them.

Let’s hope our UK posters will share some of their experiences with us.

Thanks cwille,

I will definitely read it. We should all keep up to date on healthcare.

Appreciate your sharing it.

NeedHelp, yes, in answer to your question about Covid, it sure does add a whole other aspect to this question. People already suffer so in making a decision about facility care. I like to tell them they feel grief over an inability to make it work, not guilt. They are doing there best. Then along comes Covid 19. It adds not just to the fear that their elder will become ill, but it adds an almost insurmountable burden for the elder and the family in not being able to see, visit with, comfort and hug one another. Honestly it is quite unimaginable the grief in all of that. We have people just today posting about how their loved one is on hospice care and they can only visit when they are actively dying, and how can they know when THAT will be. It is heartbreaking. Purely and simply heartbreaking for all concerned. We have seen people taking elders home, because they are so very desperate. This is for our whole world right now, such a problem.

I would like to respond to a post if I may.

As far as religion is concerned, I NEVER have and NEVER would use my religious beliefs to make someone feel guilty. That would be so ridiculous of me to try to force my beliefs on someone else.

If someone feels guilty because I was "HONEST" or because of my "OPINION", that is on them, not me.

Canadian Virtual Hospice has a good article on Considerations for a Home Death, and when it comes right down to it that's the ultimate goal of most people who give care at home.

https://www.virtualhospice.ca/en_US/Main+Site+Navigation/Home/Topics/Topics/Decisions/Considerations+for+a+Home+Death.aspx

Well said, Alva!

Appreciate the return to topic.
I have always been one to say I know my own limitations. I could never provide 24/7 care, and I had the greatest parents and elder brother ever created. It is on me. I would not be capable of that going in. I never much expected myself to be super-human, and I sure am not. While I was a nurse I just loved it. But as I always said, 8 hour shift, lots of vacation time, lots of days off, and 16 hours to recuperate between any shift made that easy to love.
We see many here who decide otherwise, and do give in home care to those they love. I couldn't admire them more.
The real key here is to know who we are, what we are capable of, and to do the very best we do....lovingly.

Lea!

Exactly! Home care is not right for every situation!

Your mom is getting the proper care. This gives you peace of mind. It’s not about parents not wanting to be in a facility. It’s about what is BEST for THEM!!!

I agree with your thoughts.

Cali,

I respect you for KNOWING your limitations and NOT trying to force yourself to follow through with home caregiving like I did.

It simply doesn’t work and we become riddled with anxiety, depression and possibly burn out as well.

So good for you knowing your limitations.

Please keep sharing this important message that people should know their limitations before committing to full time caregiving.

Great points in your entire post, Cali!

I'll say this: My mother has been living in AL since 2014 (dad was too, till he died in 2015). My mother will be 94 in Jan & I will tell you this: She would have died LONG ago had she NOT been living in AL! Why? Because the staff catch illness immediately. They deal with her 50+ falls immediately by picking her up off the floor and checking vitals, doing a full body check for skin tears, etc. There is a doc who comes in weekly and/or on call as needed to address the ENDLESS issues my mother has. Endless medications, endless problems, pain, rashes, urine tests, ALL OF IT. How would I do that for her at home? I wouldn't be able to. Period. The caregivers change her daily, wash the sheets she wets every night; apply cream to her legs, etc etc. The quality of care she gets at her AL (Memory Care now) is 24/7 and it's complete. They've caught pneumonia 2x so far, once where it was treated immediately with antibiotics and no hospitalization was required; once where hospitalization & rehab was required.

My point is, a GOOD AL or SNF provides 24/7 care that one human at home cannot, no matter what they think or say. Not to mention, most of us work for a living and would be leaving the elder home alone for 10 hours at a pop, with nothing to do, nobody to talk to, no care provided............that's the truth. Plus, there's no fighting and screaming matches going on in the ALs like there commonly IS at home. People think they're giving their loved one the moon by taking them in, and meanwhile, lots of them fight like cats & dogs. The resentment is through the roof & lots of relationships are DESTROYED in the process of doing what they think is 'the right thing.'

The 'right thing' differs according to each family situation. That's an important factor to keep in mind!

Well I don’t want to start anything but it seems like there has been a lot of judgement lately towards people who want to place their LO in a care facility instead of take care of them at home. All because it’s “safer”. And just my honest opinion as usual but I don’t think that’s universally true. I think each situation is unique. Some families can provide a safer environment. Some cannot. Some families have essential workers in their household and they HAVE to work outside the home (gentle reminder they in order for all us to quarantine at home & have groceries and other goods delivered to our doorstep, it means we are passing on the risk to someone else who cannot stay home!). Then there is the quality of quality. Some people can provide better care themselves (with or without outside caregivers coming in). Some people cannot. For my family, if one of my parents could no longer take care of themselves, a facility would be safer. The environment would be more controlled. I have children who’s needs must be considered and we simply can not isolate ourselves at home because we have an elderly family member in the house. My husband works outside the home and is exposed to lots of viruses and infectious diseases (friendly reminder that COVID isn’t the only threat!). And then there’s me. *I* would be the caregiver. And I know my limits. I cannot do it. Its not in my blood. I can manage dr appointments, I can play taxi driver and take my parents to the dr and advocate for them, I can cook and clean but that’s it. I cannot play therapist, I cannot be the entertainment committee and the complaints department. I sure as hell cant bathe and change depends and empty catheters! I don’t have the ability to give up my life to take care of an elder, I don’t have the patience. So my parents would get better care in a facility and they would be safer as the environment would be more controlled.

So it seems like there is so much guilt and grief thrown at OPs who place their LOs and I think is important to remember that every situation is different and home isn’t always safer, it isn’t always best. And the last thing we need to do is judge and send people on guilt trips!

There are threads that have thousands of comments and many are not on topic.

I am all for posts regarding blatant religious beliefs or anything else that others use to cause guilt to be removed!

The rest don’t bother me if they aren’t offensive.

Don’t you think people are feeling even more guilty about facility care more now because of Covid?

It’s really hard because no one wants to see anyone die in a facility. Still, they can’t care for them at home. It’s an awful situation to be in.

So many have died in facilities. People need encouragement as caregivers. Enough of the guilt, whether it is placed on themselves or by others.

Alva,

Well I have a snake story.

My favorite part of Girl Scout camp were the early morning hikes in the woods. We saw snakes and snake eggs! It was a cool experience for us city girls from New Orleans.

Looking back I feel so sorry for the poor bus driver that had to drive energetic 12 year olds to the campground!

We were loud and crazy on the bus. Hahaha, remember that stupid song, ‘99 bottles of beer on the wall.’?

I also feel sorry for our troop leaders! LOL

Dark Shadows was a popular show back then. We decided to do a seance like they did on Dark Shadows! We were sitting in our circle, touching hands, summoning a girl’s grandpa and as soon as we asked for a sign the troop leader knocked on our cabin door!

We screamed! We got into trouble for screaming so loud! Hahaha

The troop leader told us to go to sleep but we weren’t tired so we played cards for a bit, then decided to take all of the toilet paper in the bathroom stalls and roll the troop leaders cabins and cars!

LOL, 12 year olds are obnoxious! Aren’t they?

Maybe taking care of seniors that have obnoxious behavior is payback! Hahaha, Karma!

In an effort to return this post to topic, some comments have been removed. Please direct off topic posts directly to other members through use of the messaging tool.

Alva,

So sorry about your daughter’s friend. That’s awful!

When I was young I went on a backpacking trip through the mountains with my boyfriend and another couple.

My boyfriend told me to put my backpack up in the tree before I went to sleep in our tent.

He was an experienced hiker and camper. I wasn’t.

It was my first backpacking trip in the mountains.

He also told me not to eat in our tent.

I was tired from hiking and didn’t listen to him. I also wanted a snack so I took crackers from my backpack to snack on in our tent.

Then I went to sleep after a long day of hiking.

I felt the tent moving. I asked my boyfriend if he was shaking the tent.

He says, “I thought you were shaking the tent.”

He spotted my cracker box and says, “Why did you eat in the tent?” I told him because he didn’t catch any fish like he said he would and I was starving!

Then he asked if I put my pack up in the tree. I said that I hadn’t.

He went outside the tent and we had picked a campsite out in the wilderness, beautiful but because I ignored my boyfriend’s advice I attracted a bear!

The bear destroyed my backpack that was laying on the ground, even ate my toothpaste! LOL

I thought my boyfriend would be furious. He looked at me, smiled, then laughed and said, “You can take a girl out of the city, but not the city out of a girl!”

I love nature but I had a lot to learn.

My boyfriend was a sweetheart with a great sense of humor.

By the way, he was a good fisherman but never caught any fish on that trip!

I took his keys, walked quite a ways to his van to get the peanut butter, bread and jelly that I had packed.

My boyfriend and friends were glad I was skeptical of their fishing skills and packed stuff for sandwiches! LOL

Llama,
I am going to have to address the cataracts, as well. I am scared. Got that? Old RN scared of cataract surgery. If they put me OUT I wouldn't be scared; I can't STAND to be awake. Afraid I will move or something. I think it comes of having only one working eye in that the other got a vitreous separation and the scar tissue makes it not worth a lot. I love to read. Am scared of blindness I would say more than anything else. But, next year I think I am going to have to address this.Right now covid in my excuse. Tell me that, if I am brave, I can survive!

Llama,

I have seen it over and over. Your sibling didn’t help you. Mine didn’t help me.

Caregiving not only ends up being the responsibility of one person but often the siblings that don’t help try to make the person doing all of the caregiving feel guilty for not being perfect or getting tired of it all. That’s why I had to abandon all of it!

Families should support each other instead of tearing each other down. It’s sad when this happens in so many families.

How are you doing with your eye after having your surgery?

Need: Thanks. Isn't it typical, though not always, the one kid does the caregiving?

I just read a posting on another thread saying that her daughter will be her primary caregiver, her son will do some caregiving but she has raised her daughter to know that she will be her caregiver. She goes on to say that caregiving doesn’t effect a marriage!

Yes, she is entitled to her opinion but talk about laying on the guilt!!!

I was so annoyed by her post so much that I posted a ‘survey’ type questionnaire in the discussion section of the forum about how caregiving effects our marriage.

HOW CAN THIS MOTHER FEEL SO ENTITLED?

Llama,

Not uncommon at all. I find most caregivers end up doing the job without any help from siblings. Same here.

So glad that your have your eye surgery behind you!

Need: Left eye cataract sx was yesterday and for all intents and purposes was successful, but all told I will have 7 appointments. I have to put in 3 different eye drops for 28 days x2. On day 8, one eye drop gets eliminated.

Back to your op: Yes, absolutely - it was very disruptive to do out of state caregiving, especially since I required foot surgery myself, my DH's, my DD's birthday, Thanksgiving and Christmas was missed. On my own birthday, there was nothing, nada, zero, zilch done for me as my mother had suffered a stroke. My brother, my sole sibling said to me "I won't do the caregiving for mother." WOW.

Jodi,

I will do a search to see if it is broadcasted in my area and let you know if I can view it.

Would love to check out the area.

NHWM,

It's a drama about a fictional ranching family the Duttons.

Kevin Costner is John Dutton.

Bob,

Thanks. Hubby is a trooper!

Yes, there are always unexpected incidents that happen.

I hope your aunt managed her situation as well as she could.

I am horrible in the hospital! LOL I am the patient that asks to go home everyday!

My mom was always very healthy until her later years.

We kept her very busy, four kids and two cousins that my parents raised after their parents died.

I remember her saying when she went into the hospital for a hysterectomy that it felt like a vacation!

Hahaha, I guess she was glad to have a break from six kids.

Thanks, Jodi and NHWM. Yes, I think we all need opportunities to giggle these days.

NHWM, I hope your husband is doing better. It's frustrating when the recommended courses of action for two health conditions are opposite or contradictory. Many years ago, I had an aunt who had bypass surgery but ended up with an infection in the hospital--getting up and moving was recommended for the first, but rest was recommended for the second.

Jodi, I hope you are able to push that dark cloud away as much as possible--sending you "good vibes".

On another thought, sometimes a pain hurts worse when the person laughs.

Jodi,

🤣 Hahaha, I don’t think I get that channel but I will have to look and see. So is it a reality show?

I get it, you are looking at it from an ‘entertainment’ point of view.

Regardless, I am sure the scenery is beautiful and something to relax with 😊.

NHWM,

It's actually a series with Kevin Costner. On the Paramount channel.

It's a little trashy! Lol But fun to watch!

Jodi,

Oh my gosh, I watch every documentary on Yellowstone because it’s so beautiful.

I didn’t know there was a series on the park.

What channel does it air on? I only have basic cable.

I would definitely watch it!

My nephew is in the film industry here in New Orleans. It’s slow since Covid and our film industry took a hit with a poor decision made from a previous Governor.

Right now he is working on, NCIS New Orleans and asked me if I wanted to watch it being filmed. I asked if it was a good series. He told me, “No, not really. They don’t get the New Orleans vibe accurately.” So I didn’t go see the filming.

There have been several movies filmed here. The previous governor’s decision cost us a lot of jobs and Atlanta got the business.

Fortunately, my nephew didn’t lose his job.

He’s also a musician, guitarist.

His daughter (my great niece) plays guitar, piano and violin.

His ex wife plays the drums but went to med school and is now an anesthesiologist!
So funny, because they both were rockers in their younger days. They had matching tattoos. I guess her doctor’s coat covers her ink!

My nephew still plays rock but plays jazz and blues as well.

New Orleans is very eclectic but has always had a big jazz and blues scene.

NHWM,

If you watch the series Yellowstone, you'll see where I live and why I love it so much!!

The Dutton ranch is 5 minutes from my home.

This year they decided to film almost entirely here in the Bitterroot valley.

Kinda fun watching them film!!