Facility or home care? It is a personal choice. Misguided guilt should not cause anyone to make the wrong decision.

NHWM,

It's just my opinion, but I feel that we humans are like fungus!
We grow to our environment!!

Some are never happy with what they have! They always want more!

I learned a long time ago that there is a HUGE difference between what we need and what we want!!

That knowledge has served me well. Now I just wish I could explain it to my hubby!! Lol

Jodi,

I totally agree more. In many cases, less really is more!

I wonder how many people feel badly about sibling relationships going sour over disagreements on caregiving, especially when parents may favor one child over another one.

Elder care does impact the entire family. Siblings don’t always agree on how caregiving should be handled.

Siblings very often try to make the caregiver sibling feel awful if they find it necessary to place their mom in a facility.

I have already tried to make a point about some postings being hurtful/wrong (here, and in many postings, but these type of comments are the reason FOR this topic), but I'm going to make it again AND reinforce it with actual FACTS, not opinions.

For those "defending" their right to an opinion or being honest, it CAN be done in a way that doesn't come across as putting down someone else's opinion or their need to consider a facility. EVERYONE is entitled to an opinion, but it should relate to only what you know is absolutely 100% true. Saying something like 'I feel the right place to care for a LO is in the home" is VERY different from saying 'all Senior Homes are awful.' The latter is a false statement, and whether it is opinion, honesty or not, it should not be said that way. For someone who is struggling with considering a facility, this is a huge put down and whether you intend inflicting guilt or not, THAT is the result of making blanket statements. Your "opinion" and/or "honesty" doesn't impact me. I know I did the best I could do for my mother. However it can lay guilt on others and make them struggle more.

Not all facilities are bad. Are some? Sure. Are many? Who knows? Until or unless one can check EVERY SINGLE FACILITY across the entire country, those statements border on being libelous (libel noun 1. LAW a published false statement that is damaging to a person's reputation; a written defamation.) That definition pretty well covers making blanket statements about anything, without facts.

One must take the time and effort to check out a facility before deciding on whether to use it or not. Don't just take the sales pitch. Don't just read online reviews. CHECK the place yourself. It is hard at this time, as many are on lockdown, BUT that isn't always the case and hopefully that will eventually end. When it does, use ALL senses to check places. See. Hear. Smell. Taste. Feel. Visit at different times of the day. Be sure the place allows visits without reservations. If it doesn't pass the sense test, move on. BUT, don't ASSUME they are all the same, OR state it as fact.

So, I have written here and elsewhere that my mother's facility is VERY nice. The staff is also VERY nice. The care is VERY good AND caring. She's been there almost FOUR years. She was the first to move into the MC unit, the last area to open in a newly rebuilt facility. Every time I went, she was clean, well fed and hydrated, catered to, entertained, etc., and they loved having her there. I've eaten their food, even at times without having done a "reservation", so I was getting regular "fare", not some special meal.

FACTS:
Mom moved in Jan 2017, mobile w/dementia, unsafe to remain at home.
Mom had a stroke early Sept. 2020
Mom's slow decline began shortly after the stroke.
The nurse DEMANDED hospice come back multiple times to get her on.
She was STILL catered to and cared for and loved by regular staff.
She was doing well until a few days ago, w/ sharp decline in eating.
Yesterday big decline, recommended EOL visit.
They moved her upstairs to a vacant AL space to allow us to visit.
(no one is allowed into the MC unit.)
She was unable to speak, hadn't been eating, voiding, etc.
I was there twice, midday with my daughter, later with brother.
MULTIPLE staff members took time to come up to visit her.
They MISSED HER! Several came at midnight!
Again today, MULTIPLE staff came to visit and check on us.
Sadly mom passed at about 1pm while 3 of us were there.

EVERY staff member was so gracious and expressed not only sympathy, but how much they would miss my mother! Many heard the news and came to the room for their condolences and goodbyes. Even on the way out, sympathies and good stories were related to me.

I was also told there were staff members who came in during their day off to visit with mom.

You can't ask for much more than they all gave to my mother. All your "honesty" and "opinions" are NEVER going to besmirch their facility. NEVER. NEVER.

Disgustedtoo,

Thanks so much for sharing this. You have always been so transparent in your responses. I appreciate that.

I am so terribly sorry for your loss.

Dear "disgustedtoo,"

Please accept my heartfelt condolences in the loss of your mother today. It's apparent how much she was loved not just by you and your family but, by the wonderful facility staff she had. For so many of the staff members to come in -offer their sympathies, tell you how much she will be missed and for those who came by on their day off is beyond what most of us could ever hope for from a facility we have placed our loved ones in.

I hope you will cherish those moments being surrounded by loving, caring people while you began mourning your loss.

Well done in caring for your dear mom and God bless you for all you've done for her.

Disgustedtoo.....my condolences over the loss of your mom. I'm glad she was so well cared for at the end, and that you were able to be with her as well.

It's sad to have to defend ourselves about placing our mother's in wonderful ALs where the staff bend over backwards to care for them, and us. And all for those who choose to cast generalizations across the board at "all" care homes being bad places. They aren't and we are smart enough to know that.

Sending you a big hug and a prayer for peace.

Disgusted, I am so sorry for your loss.

Disgustedtoo,

I just reread your message and I truly hope others will take the time to read it again.

You said so many important things. I urge everyone to read your realistic account of what caregiving represents.

Again, I am sorry for your loss and I thank you for sharing your thoughts.

Disgustedtoo, sending sympathy on the loss of your mother. Everyone's caregiving journey is individual, and I agree that judgemental posts on this forum can do more harm than good. Its useful when we post responses to bear in mind that a professional counsellor would never seek to judge a person for their actions and choices, and we should try to follow the same approach. Sometimes people are baring their soul on this forum and need a sensitive response.

Disgustedtoo, I am so sorry about your loss. I am so thankful that your Mom was so well cared for. This will give you so much peace. I hope you will eventually feel also the peace of knowing you no longer have to be afraid for what she may have to go through.
And your post is absolute perfection on this thread. My brother also found a beautiful and wonderful ALF where he was treated like a family member, and I was too, a place that now after his death in May STILL treats me like family. I will admit this can be rare, but ideal care in home can also be rare, if not impossible for some. I have always understood I am a human being who has limitations, and I know them; so it doesn't hurt me when people judge whether I cared for Dee in my home. Dee never wanted that and I could not have done it. Good enough for me. But the judgemental "attitude" of some can harm people who have expected themselves to be not humans, but Saints, and who are already buckling mentally. Life doesn't come in hues of black and white. It's a mixed palette of many colors blending more or less harmoniously. People who speak as though their own word is law often end not listened to at all.

DToo, I’m sorry to read of the loss of your mother. Wishing you peace and comfort

There have been quite a few posters lately struggling with misguided guilt of placing their family members in facilities.

I wish there was a big eraser that we could wipe away their guilt.

There is no reason for this guilt. I seriously feel that is their relationship has turned into codependency.

NHWM, I agree, and I would also add another insight based on my experiences right now. As many of you know from my previous posts, Mum goes to try out her supported living place later this week, having lived with us for over 10 years. I am the one who has brought this about, as I am worn out with the effects of having her live with us for so long. Now she requires even more from me, I can’t do it any more. Getting to this stage has been a stressful process, with much anger and rage aimed at me for doing this. We are nearly there, and I hope it is a success, but for me it feels how I imagine a divorce or separation might feel. However difficult things are, there is a sense of loss, despite my mother’s narcissism and the effects this has had on me. Maybe it is about this being the end of an era and in my mother’s case a recognition from me that she is moving into another life stage where “paid for care” has a greater significance and priority. Also I think this makes one aware of one’s own mortality and the passage of time. I can honestly say I don’t feel guilt or obligation as I know I’m doing the right thing, and am absolutely committed to this new set up working out. Is this codependency? In my case I think not, just a big life change.

Chris I really hope things go smoothly with your mom's move.

After ten years it is a big change. I think once she is moved to the new place you will start to feel the positive effects of that change. You will have so much more control over your life, without having to worry about her safety and wellbeing. Others can do that part now, and you can visit, when you want to.

I hope you and DH can take a little time off just to decompress from it all, and to welcome the change of getting your life back. You deserve it.

Thanks Piper. The Covid situation here makes it so much worse by adding to the general anxiety.

Chris,

You are correct. I do feel that I was codependent. My therapist brought this to my attention. I think many people don’t recognize the symptoms of codependent relationships.

I brought up exhaustion in a session because I felt exactly as you do now. I was completely exhausted!

Plus, I started to feel total disgust and apathy. Extensive caregiving can bring on a range of complicated emotions and health issues for us.

I began to feel like nothing mattered anymore which frightened me.
I suppose that was deep depression.

Do you feel like that now? For me this was a huge indicator that I must stop caregiving and not feel any guilt because I had done way more than my share of caregiving without any help from my siblings!

Piper is exactly right! You will feel better after others take over your mom’s care. I too sincerely hope that you will find peace and joy in your life again. You deserve it!

The weight of the world is off of my shoulders now without doing the ‘hands on’ care for my mom.

At first I was so angry about Covid hitting and my husband being diagnosed with cancer shortly after my mom moving out. Then I realized, sh*t happens!

There will always be bumps in the road at one time or another but this has been an extraordinarily tough year for everyone due to COVID. Sadly, many lost their lives. It breaks my heart.

So, I am truly grateful that my husband, daughters and myself are alive.

The latest stat is that someone dies every three minutes due to COVID-19. Thank God the vaccine is here. All any of us want now is a healthy 2021.

I can’t imagine still caring for her and going through my husband’s cancer treatments at the same time!

NHWM, yes, I feel those emotions: disgust, apathy, despair plus complete exhaustion. I think you and Piper are right though - once mum is safe elsewhere I hope to "regain myself", whatever that self is. If I feel any guilt it is only that compared to many people we are very lucky, with generally ok health, and no financial, job or other major worries. But each of us is entitled to feel how we feel. I'm focusing on getting through a week at a time. Throughout 2020 I really felt I wanted to help with the fight against Covid, but in our case that turned out to be just following the rules and staying home. That's been difficult for me, as I've always been an action oriented person. I did however read today that volunteers are needed for non-medical help with the big UK vaccination push starting now. It's a new year and it's time to fight back, so I'm going to volunteer.

Chris,

I admire your spirit. You will regain who you once were.

The whole world has been discouraged with our situation concerning COVID-19, except for the very foolish deniers.

You are a sensible and caring woman that will rise up and find order in the midst of this mayhem.

Chriscat, you say your mom is going to 'try out' the supported living place later this week. Does this mean she gets to nix it if she doesn't like it? And come back to live with YOU? I hope not, b/c we all know she's not likely TO 'like it' and want to come back 'home' to live with you! :( Hopefully this is not a trial run where she gets to say No Thank You to supported living.

Once she's gone, you get to REINVENT yourself Chris! Not necessarily regain who you once were, b/c those days are gone.......but to recreate the NEW and improved YOU now that you'll no longer be a chief cook & bottlewasher for someone else. That will be FUN!

Dear "Chriscat83,"

You may want to consider the fact that what you are experiencing as you prepare to move your mom into a facility after taking care of her in your home for ten years is not only codependency but, "trauma bonding." I hope you will look into that aspect as it could help you as you try to regain some sense of "self" again.

Good luck as you head into a new year with all kinds of possibilities as long as you can bring about more "awareness" as to why you feel the way you do!

NHWM, thank you. I do feel I am on the edge of a new chapter, whilst looking back at (and saying goodbye to) the old one. Lea, I agree there's a risk that mum could say she hates the new place, but the way she's been talking these last few days has been more accepting of the situation. I saw her struggling with the stairs a few days ago, and preparing even simple foods has got more difficult. She will have a ground floor apartment and all meals provided, so she should feel improvements in both these areas, as well as the more sociable environment. I think she has been in denial about her declining capabilities, but may have finally seen her reality. We have had some much better conversations in the last few days, but this could just be that she knows she needs to keep me sweet now as I am all she has left. I have no expectations of what will happen as I have no energy to overthink this right now. I think though that I've made it clear that this is a really good solution for her needs, and that if it doesn't work out it will be because she needs more care - and that can only be a care home. So this week I am focusing on getting her in there for the trial. I have plenty of support from husband, and also son too now, as he's just been told not to return to Oxford for the new term and must study from home for now until the Uni is allowed to reopen fully. It feels like we have plans but that they are constantly having to change. Covid is impacting all of our lives in so many ways.

NobodyGetsIt, just seen your post and you may have a point there. I will look into that. I agree that spending time exploring these feelings is a good idea and time well spent. I can do that with my Cognitive Behaviour Therapy course materials, which I've been using over the last few weeks to help me out of severe anxiety mode. Thank you for your good advice.

Chriscat83,

Yes, "trauma bonding" is a huge factor when dealing with narcissistic relationships of any kind and can be very difficult to extricate oneself from. It produces high levels of anxiety and can break you if you let it go on. But, when you really delve into it, there are ways to stop that "bondage" (which it is) from continuing and break those "chains that bind you." You will be much stronger for it - knowledge is "power" and you need that power to free yourself if you want to enjoy your life in the long term!

Chris,

My therapist truly helped me to sort out my confusion and address my concerns.

I am extremely grateful for the posters on this site who encouraged me to surrender my caregiving responsibilities and accept that I had done all that I could do and that it was time for me to move forward without any misguided guilt.

I had been crippled by feeling as if I somehow failed because there wasn’t a ‘fairytale’ relationship with my mother and me.

Many posters told me that I hadn’t failed. Their affirmations of my actions meant so much to be but more importantly opened my eyes to see things more clearly.

My assessment of occurrences weren’t exactly accurate. They were my own confused emotions.

Plus once you do finally get away from your situation you will not only feel relief but a clearer picture of the situation.

It’s sort of like a person who chose to end a toxic relationship.

They don’t fully see the stronghold the relationship had on them until they became free from it.

They didn’t realize how much damage it had caused in their life until they walked away and saw it from a distance.

I do have to warn you though, PTSD is real and takes awhile to work through.

I have dealt with PTSD in therapy. I still deal with certain triggers but not as intense as early on when my mother and I first separated. I have learned to end conversations soon now if it is heading in a destructive direction.

I try very hard to be grateful for the good times and put the rest of it into proper perspective. When I struggle with an issue I reach out for help to get objective feedback.

NobodyGetsIt: I never heard of that, Trauma Bonding. Interesting. Sad, too, what we go through w/o even realizing it. I looked it up and can relate to so much of it.

Chris: Let's hope your mom loves her new place and if not, it's off to a nursing home for her. Fingers crossed for a smooth transition.

"lealonnie1,"

I'm glad you looked up Trauma Bonding and could relate to it so you too can understand better what has happened during your life with your narcissistic mom.

You and Chriscat can also find Stockholm Syndrome too which is a psychological response to what you've endured.

Anything you can find to help identify with as well as realize there's an actual "name or term" for it will go a long way in knowing that neither one of you are "alone" in what you've experienced.

Lea,

I know that I have thanked you publicly and in private messages but I would like to thank you again for helping me deal with the difficult journey that I had with my mom.

I appreciate the patience that you had with me and how you continued to drill important concepts into my confused mind at the time.

I felt blindsided by my situation.
For many of us, our thoughts became clouded during our stressful days of caregiving and we simply weren’t able to process everything all at once.

Things don’t usually become a mess overnight. It’s a gradual process and they seldom become resolved overnight either. It’s quite a relief when we finally see the light.

I also want to thank you for continuing to reach out to others in such an honest and caring way.

You’re the kind of poster that I value greatly on aging care forum.

"NHWM,"

So very true your statement "It’s sort of like a person who chose to end a toxic relationship. They don’t fully see the stronghold the relationship had on them until they became free from it. They didn’t realize how much damage it had caused in their life until they walked away and saw it from a distance." You cannot see the forest for the trees when you are entangled in what I call a "web" much like a spider's web.

Then once you do that, (which I've done in a couple past experiences) it's like a breath of fresh air and you scratch your head wondering why you didn't "let go sooner!" I always say "better late than never --"

NGI,

I agree with all of those mental health issues along with codependency.

All relationships are unique in their own ways.

Relationships can become complicated. Our reactions can become a mixture of emotions.

It’s never as cut and dry that we sometimes feel like it is. It’s not black and white either, there are many grey areas. Often it takes more time than we would like to sort through it all!

I know a woman that I am convinced has Stockholm syndrome.

Long story and I won’t bore you with the details but she has all the classic signs of it. It’s quite troubling to see.