I was basically in a relationship at first. Now I am primarily a caregiver. I have not stopped loving him, but he has become emotionally, mentally and takes small physical pokes at me every once in a very great while, as though to test me, or maybe he is fearful (he has panic attacks) with his fibromyalgia flares.
He has severe fibromyalgia pain and is facing hip surgery and has had 3 laser back procedures which resulted in the fibromyalgia pain that feels like his body is on fire.
While I am kind and compassionate, I realize that I am very abused, verbally. Comments I get are in this true range: "You are such a f-----in genius." (refers to my degrees and certifications), "You can't do anything." You write books no one will read." (Refers to the fact that I have written and published 6 books in the past). "You can't work, you're too old." "All you do is talk about things." (I try to talk to him as I would a normal person or a friend about what I am working on: whether it be a painting or a short story, for example, and he gets horribly abusive--calling me names and tearing me down for 30 minutes to an hour or more at a time).
Sometimes there has been days of this type of behavior that goes on all day, or sometimes it is only in the evenings.
I have reported this behavior to neighbors I thought I trusted. They are just tired of me talking to them about it. They kept trying to get me to go to the women's shelter.
My situation is complicated because I too am very ill. I have diabetes and need 2 surgeries and will need a 3rd surgery on my knees. Though I work for him and I am in a relationship, he refuses to help me get insurance--reasons unknown. So I have diabetes, 5 tumors that will require surgery or else they cut off my air supply (thyroid), possible knee surgery in future and a carpal tunnel surgery.
I am not young like the other women who go to the shelter. I cannot work because I cannot stand long at a time or use my hands for a length of time. I used to type 120 wpm. Although I think I am a good caregiver and housekeeper. I can sit and stand as I need to being his housekeeper and care giver.
People in my neighborhood look at me as though I am not all there. They hear (only) of Mr. ------- 's verbal abuse, but they do not witness it. One neighbor did her him say to me f---- you, very loud in the yard. But the neighbor did not offer an words of advise or encouragement.
To top this off, I have abuse in my background--many consecutive months as a child, and I know this verbal abuse is taking a toll on me because of my prior abuse.
Yes I love him, but his behavior has become so vile and sometimes thoughtless and inconsiderate to others out in public. I cannot talk to anyone on the phone but that he makes loud comments int he background--telling me what to say, or not to say. He doesn't like me talking to friends. They stopped called because of the rude commentary running in the background. He doesn't like me texting or talking to my daughter.
If I try to write something he makes rude commentary and I am so hurt, who would feel very creative and be able to write.
Slowly I have become scared of him because he can be such a bully. I feel isolated--cut off from help, normal compassion, normal small talk. For me, there have been no answers but what I find on the internet while he is napping.
He creates rules that change and are hard to follow: such as he says, "Answer my question!" I attempt to answer his question and then he berates me for having an opinion that does not make sense to him because he is drinking alcohol and cannot think well under the influence.
He threatens me --- overtures of help that I receive, but with dire consequences if I f---- him. His words, not mine.
He is a retired EMT and DJ. His friends find him personable, except for one of his friends who is a realist. Recently I grew overwrought and I was crying and I hid in the master bedroom closet with my cell phone. I called one of his friends in Florida, asking him to please talk to his friend, because he was flipping out and cursing and swearing because he found out he has to have hip replacement surgery. His friend called him, confronted him, saying, "You know you can't stand pain very well and you become psychotic, so you need to watch yourself!"
But now his friend is not returning calls any more. And I doubt he will help me out again---if he gets psychotic again.
Thank you for any sincere comments you can leave me, and if you know of any other supports for him as a person in true perpetual pain, it is appreciated. Ever since Obamacare kicked in, I find that our healthcare has changed for the worst. The healthcare workers are indifferent to us because of age or they do not want to help with my patient assistance paperwork. He has trouble with meds because he has a history of a bleeding ulcer. Thank you for your prayers and suggestions.