I'm so exhausted and depressed I think about suicide every day.

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I am taking care of my Mom alone, there is no family to help. I have one Uncle but he doesn't want to get involved. My Mom has dementia and some neurological problems and she can barely walk. She is also incontinent. I am trying to work and pay the bills but it's just so hard. The situation at home is putting a strain on my job. Lately her mental state is so bad that I am scared to leave her home alone. She has been doing some really strange things and she falls a lot. The tricky thing is, we're from the US, but live in Europe. And this has been going on for about 3 1/2 years, since my Mom fell here and broke her hip. She was in the hospital for about a month but was never quite the same after she got out. I brought her here with me because there wasn't really anyone for her to stay with back in the US, and I also thought she might enjoy it over here. My Mom was a serious alcoholic until I was about 20. I can honestly say I've been taking care of her in one way or another since I was a child. When I was very small I used to have to run around and find her things to barf in after she drank too much. I had to lie to people to cover up for her. She would sometimes be very abusive and slap me and hit me and call me things like "little bitch", especially when I would pour out her booze. My father was also an alcoholic, and drank himself to death when I was 11. He was physically and verbally abusive towards my Mother. When I was a teenager my Mom would often quit jobs, and I would find her new ones in the newspaper or online and fill out job applications for her because she would just let them sit on the table for weeks. Sometimes she would keep a job for a while and things were stable, but she never seemed happy. She always struggled with depression. My Mom has always been "lost" and looking for someone else to tell her what to do. After my Dad died, I was the one who had to handle things. I can't tell you what this has done to me mentally...I don't handle stress very efficiently, and was treated for PTSD. Lately it's just getting to be too much. I am trying to find a nursing home for my Mom, but even though they are a bit cheaper over here, and my Mom's pension will cover some of it, the rest is too expensive for me to pay alone. So I feel like I am trapped. I'm having monumental anxiety attacks. They're so bad. I feel so alone and sad and desperate that I'm considering suicide just because I can't take anymore, and I can't see another way. Sometimes I feel like I can't do this for even one more day. I just want to know what it's like to feel happiness and peace, and find a way to enjoy life.

18 Comments

Needhelp, call a suicide hotline immediately. Or go to your local ER. The rest can wait.
Where in Europe are you, sweetheart?
Let me just add, there are so many people on this site who have been where you are. You are not alone. (((((HUGS)))))

Don't do anything stupid. Please!!!!!
Gershun, thank you, I've thought about going to the hospital but if they wanted me to stay I couldn't, because I can't leave my Mom alone...she can't take care of herself, not even for one day. She doesn't know how to dress or feed herself anymore. She doesn't even go to the bathroom most of the time and just walks around in a soaking wet diaper.
Can you come back to the US? Get your mom into a facility? There is hope - please don't give up! You deserve to be free from taking care of your mom. If you come back to the US, you should be able to get her on Medicaid and into a facility and you can live a more normal, peaceful life.

You've gone far above and beyond in taking care of your mom. It's time to get yourself some help. You don't have to do this alone! {{{{Hugs}}}}
Right now, we're in Portugal, which is a very pretty country...but I haven't been able to really enjoy it.
I have thought about trying to go back to the US, but I just don't know how to do that alone...it seems like a huge task and I'm just so tired. :(
Can you reach out to the American Embassy and see if they can help you? I have no idea about services for US citizens in foreign countries. Maybe they can get some help for your mom?
Also, the Alzheimers Association has a Portuguese version. Reach out to them. http://www.alzheimer-europe.org/Alzheimer-Europe/Who-we-are/Our-members/Alzheimer-Portugal
Do you speak Spanish or Portuguese?
Can you just leave everything there, come back by to the US and get mom settled? You can go back and continue life there if that is what you want. Or things can be replaced. Your health is most important.

Go to the hospital, explain the situation. They will get someone to help your mom out. Take her with if you need to and all will work out.

We all care about you. Please stay safe.
When you arrive at the E.R., the staff there will send out someone to check on your Mom. They will have resources that you would be unable to access because you are not thinking straight. It will be ok, you need to let go of a little control right now and go for help. Don't wait to be taken out by ambulance, because your life has so much value!

Going voluntarily will help you to avoid hitting bottom all the way, and will ultimately help you recover faster. It sounds like you are burnt out from caregiving, and that happens to so many caregivers, so you are not alone. Try not to overthink the process.

Since you knew to reach out here, you may be stronger than you think. How do you feel so far, as other caregivers are coming alongside to offer you hope, ideas, and other alternatives to suicide?

This is not a criticism here, but I want to point out how I know that you are not thinking straight.
1) You cannot go to the hospital because you cannot leave your Mom alone.
vs.
2) You would be leaving Mom alone if you ended your life.
3) So, suicide is not an option for you.

Explanation: When we get ill, our brain can really mess with us, trick us, because it cannot take any more stress. Just call for help to protect yourself.

Let us know how you are doing now. It is really great of you, while you are in distress, to answer the people here who have reached out to you, and for you. I care.

And thanks for saving a life, yours, by doing the right thing.

We can help you deal with your Mom later.

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