I'm so exhausted and depressed I think about suicide every day.
I am taking care of my Mom alone, there is no family to help. I have one Uncle but he doesn't want to get involved. My Mom has dementia and some neurological problems and she can barely walk. She is also incontinent. I am trying to work and pay the bills but it's just so hard. The situation at home is putting a strain on my job. Lately her mental state is so bad that I am scared to leave her home alone. She has been doing some really strange things and she falls a lot. The tricky thing is, we're from the US, but live in Europe. And this has been going on for about 3 1/2 years, since my Mom fell here and broke her hip. She was in the hospital for about a month but was never quite the same after she got out. I brought her here with me because there wasn't really anyone for her to stay with back in the US, and I also thought she might enjoy it over here. My Mom was a serious alcoholic until I was about 20. I can honestly say I've been taking care of her in one way or another since I was a child. When I was very small I used to have to run around and find her things to barf in after she drank too much. I had to lie to people to cover up for her. She would sometimes be very abusive and slap me and hit me and call me things like "little bitch", especially when I would pour out her booze. My father was also an alcoholic, and drank himself to death when I was 11. He was physically and verbally abusive towards my Mother. When I was a teenager my Mom would often quit jobs, and I would find her new ones in the newspaper or online and fill out job applications for her because she would just let them sit on the table for weeks. Sometimes she would keep a job for a while and things were stable, but she never seemed happy. She always struggled with depression. My Mom has always been "lost" and looking for someone else to tell her what to do. After my Dad died, I was the one who had to handle things. I can't tell you what this has done to me mentally...I don't handle stress very efficiently, and was treated for PTSD. Lately it's just getting to be too much. I am trying to find a nursing home for my Mom, but even though they are a bit cheaper over here, and my Mom's pension will cover some of it, the rest is too expensive for me to pay alone. So I feel like I am trapped. I'm having monumental anxiety attacks. They're so bad. I feel so alone and sad and desperate that I'm considering suicide just because I can't take anymore, and I can't see another way. Sometimes I feel like I can't do this for even one more day. I just want to know what it's like to feel happiness and peace, and find a way to enjoy life.