"Everything will be equal," my parents said, but...

Pstern, I am so sorry to hear you're having issues after all you've done. I hope you have everything well-documented. I bet the other sibling does not have any proof of what they claim.

Often wills and trusts leave everything to children equally but as health issues arise, needs increase, and only one child steps up, they get changed. I was the child that helped out and now I'm dealing with a sibling who believes that the thousands of dollars our father saved in caregiving costs was done in exchange for free room and board. Now we're going to court as he attempts to overturn our father's changes.

You should get POA now.

ladeeM - I've been off the forum for awhile - my grandchildren are here visiting. I've just been catching up. I don't actually read all the threads, so I've probably missed a lot of what she's posted. I pick those that sound interesting to me. I'm not on here everyday even when my grandkids aren't here, but I'll usually pop in once in the morning, see if there's anything that looks interesting to me, then go on to my other interests.

This past week I took my Mom and grandkids over to San Diego for a 6 day vacation. Just got back yesterday, which is when I started catching up on things. I had my laptop over there, but we were so busy that I had barely time to check my email. I might have looked at a couple of things briefly, but little more than that. That's why I didn't speak up before - I didn't notice before.

And really, ladee, all I'm concerned about is that we don't get a mob mentality, like you said. I'd hate to see that happen here. Because this place is, after all, supposed to be about caring and support. Thanks.

eguillot, that was me about the 'chatter'.... but if you will notice, even after I said what I did to Dusty... further down I also talked about us not becoming the AC police or getting a mob mentality..... got no 'likes' for that one.. lol.... but ASSA and I did have a conversation about it.....she is one of my friends on AC.... and that day I laughed more than I have in a long time... so guess I am looking at the positives that come from that thread......

So how about we 'agree to disagree' on how it was done...... Just as Dusty had the right to have her say, so did I, and the others that participated..... to me, its over and done with..... and may I ask you a question... if you felt Dusty was being treated unfairly, why did you not speak up before and give us a different perspective..... just askin......

I saw on one of the other threads that I just finished reading that one of you (can't remember who) also had some concerns about too much chatter going on about Dusty's shortcomings chasing people off the site. One comment from Dusty about her ultra religious beliefs, no matter how harsh, wouldn't take me back nearly as much as the dozens I've seen slamming her for it. No, I don't like that sort of comment, but I also don't like attempts to shut people down/out.

It's clear Dusty has some sort of a problem. Whether it's alcohol related or not, who knows, but obviously there is an issue. I don't know the best way to handle it , but I don't think drawing attention to it by jumping on every little thing is the right way to go. Probably comment on her good comments, ignore her bad ones. Just like with kids - kids will go for negative attention if they can't get positive attention. If she's jumped on when she makes positive comments, she'll just make all negative ones.

I'm not the religious sort (sorry if I offend anyone with that), so all the praying or chanting or amen'ing that someone wants to do - well - good for them, but please, leave me out of it :)

I appreciate the welcome I've received here. I've always felt that I can come here after a bad day and vent, or ask for advice, or just post my experiences to try to help someone else out. My Mom isn't as bad off as a lot of others are right now (I've been caregiving for 3 years so far) but I know my day is coming. Even though I don't have a lot to do, it gets wearing just being with someone 24/7. Mom can't drive, can't cook anything more than an egg, needs a walker, can't stand more than 5 or 10 minutes without pain, and has mild cognitive decline which is really starting to show itself lately.

Pftttttttt.......LOL!
Now THAT makes sense!

eguillot..... Dusty posted that she was leaving this 'pagan site' , among many other comments... she was leaving anyway.... so what is the real issue here???? I certainly hope you do not take this one situation and let it be a decision maker for whether or not you want to stay ,learn, vent, get support, and all that this site offers..... there are thousands of us here.... with much more going on than whether or not Dusty was offended, because she is accountable for brining it on herself....

And yes, some of us went behind her and said to not pay any attention to her.... as she was running people off of the site..... she was confusing many and hurting some..... what would you have suggested we do??? This is a site for Caregivers, and God knows some of us are 'mentally ill'. LOL....and I reached out to her one-on-one and got no reply...... We are a caregiver site, we do not have the medical experiences to pull a bi-polar off the walls.... so enlighten us, tell us how you would have handled Dusty.... this being AFTER you back and read all she has written.....

I can not believe Dusty is STILL causing problems here.... pfttttt....

eguillot, sorry if you feel Dusty was being cyber-bullied.... that is not the case at all.... and if you went on the read the rest of the thread, you will see that most of us went on to share some good information on many subjects.... and had fun at our expense.... i.e. "Jennifer Aniston and Willie Nelson"... none of us hate Dusty, and we do hope she finds help or what ever it is she needs..... but the truth..... she made herself a target with her first post... and I agree with many here, there were times she shared some great stuff.... and we supported that....

I have been on here many years.... and while I did feel bad for her and her issues... what ever those were.... we are not ok with being 'preached' to, many of us refer to God, HIgherpower, the Universe...... but we are NOT condemning each other with our words.....

We are very protective of our 'safe place' and when the boundaries are stomped on.... we respond...many of us are praying for Dusty and wishing her well.....
So with all that being said.... I do hope you continue to find a 'home' here.... things just got off to a bad start... no harm, no foul..... you are welcome here, and we hope to get to know you better.... I have some awesome friends here... and I'm sure they don't always like what I have to say, but if I am not putting others down or telling lies, they are going to let me learn what I need to learn.... so like I said, I hope you continue to be a part of this crazy, tired family....crazy in a good way !!!!

Boni - I didn't jump all over any of you. I haven't said anyone shouldn't listen to you, or that you should leave the forum, or that you're a troll. I haven't said any of those things about you. I haven't done any name calling. Has Dusty? Have you? The FACTS, as I see in this thread, are that someone got dissed because they suggested something.

Perhaps she does go off topic and raves - maybe she has a mental issue - who knows. But attacking her for making an innocuous comment is not going to do any good. Just because she made some weird comments before doesn't mean you attack all her comments. What's up with that? That makes no sense.

eguillot, You "jumped all over" several of us, without knowing the facts. Now you do.

No pot shots! Kudos for explaining it so well!

Equillot, thanks for the explanation. Dusty seems to have 2, perhaps 3 personalities, one in which she rages about religious issues, another in which she articulates answers that I've often found reveal an insight which the religious Dusty cannot, and another identity as a career professional, actually with several careers.

I've found her rational answers to often be on point and sometimes insightful, but her religious answers are not. I think it's these religious and hellfire and damnation answers that offend most people - they don't provide any succinct or helpful suggestions. They’re rants, and they're offensive. And they don't reflect a true religious belief but rather a fanatic one.

When I write "religious", I'm not referring to comments such as "God bless you" or "I'll pray for you." Hers are wild comments which reflect an intensity that borders on what I'd consider to be delusional or irrational.

I've only been here a few months but found that the religious Dusty is similar to the angry Dusty in which she lashes out at her mother for a variety of abuses.

In addition, it’s hard to believe anything she writes about her personal and professional life, which lessens her credibility even in the rational posts. She states that she’s worked as stockbroker, researcher, in systems engineering and operations research. She claims to have several degrees.

She states that she’s homeless but living with her mother. She hates taking care of her mother but never states any plans for dealing with that hatred, for leaving and getting her own life again, for getting help for her mother. Just more rants. Does she just want sympathy? Who knows. Not me, that's for sure.

Personally I’m not sure if she does have multiple personalities or if she has multiple ONLINE personalities, called “socking”, in which someone assumes various identities and plays games with other posters on forums by pretending to be several different posters. Or maybe she's just another troll. Who knows?

I’ve tried to find some of her more wild posts so you can read them and see what offends us so much, but the search function on this forum isn’t target specific.

And speaking of targets, I've probably now put a target on my back by writing so bluntly so others can take pot shots at me if they want to.

GA - She was addressing it to me because I spoke up in defense of Dusty's comment.

Boni- I was paying attention to the posts - and I've seen her jumped on for seemingly trivial things before. I don't know what her past is here, but you guys seem to have it in for her. Maybe she sometimes says inappropriate things, I don't know. I didn't perceive this to be condescending or inappropriate at all - just a suggestion to check out rental units because her husband was being called for plumbing and was getting tired of it and thinking of refusing to take any more calls.

Sometimes people have their opinions on what a post "sounds" like by looking at who posted it. I don't have any preconceived notions about Dusty. If I've interacted with her before, I don't remember it (FibroFog can sometimes be a good thing :) ). I just know that I never like seeing what looks like a cyberbully situation, and what I've seen in the past few days, on this board, with people trying to drum Dusty off, bothers me. Everyone that is caregiver deserves support here. Not just those that you agree with.

Luanner, you're quite welcome.

Bonichak, are you addressing your comments to someone in particular?

GA , tnx again.

Wow..I commend you and also my heart goes out to you. I hope your hubby stays
understanding...I live with mom so I am 24/7 nurse on call (I am a nurse)..Funny how they are clueless and dont care one bit about what we do for them...Keep moving forward! Best- Sandi W.

Luanner, just to expand on your question...IP includes patent, trademark and copyright law - filing of patents, prosecution of infringement...all related to the Intellectual Property rights which accrue from creations.

It covers everything from technical and scientific creations to music, art, online postings, recipes, photography.

Unfortunately there's a lot of abuse which is hard to regulate. I know for a fact that recipes and cross stich patterns are freely copied and shared without any consideration for the IP issues.

Attorneys tend to abbreviate various practice area designations...Domestic Relations used to be DomRel, Auto Negligence is AutoNeg, Medical Malpractice is MedMal, etc.

A "stand alone" house was not the issue. Re read the OP. And it's not only what you say, but the WAY ( condescending) you say it. It has nothing to do with any disagreement. Pay more attention to the posts.

A stand alone house can be a lot to maintain - that is why a lot of elders move into rental condos or apartments when they age - no more lawns to mow, when the plumbing goes out, they pick up the phone and someone else has to fix it. No maintenance worries at all. I understand what Dusty was trying to say, and don't see anything wrong with it. It is harder to keep someone in a single family home than it is a rental, where all the maintenance is done for you. Don't jump all over someone just because of who they are - think if you actually disagree with the message, first.

Hey Garden... went back and read again.. I get it now.

Pretty Good, Please don't get discouraged with the likes of Dusty. I have been on so many sites like this and have left them behind for this one. It is by far the most caring, helpful and least judgemental of them all. Hang in there and good luck with the sibs.
I agree that you should get paid for your time. Don't know how you get around the Medicaid thing but someone here will know.
I feel bad for your Mom that she knows her children wont come unless paid. That must hurt. Why she cant see that you are there for her without payment is beyond me. Sorry for how you must hurt too.

Hey Garden..again I have a question What is an IP lawyer.

I agree Boni that Jeannegibbs always gives excellent advice..

I just hope Prettygood doesn't get discouraged with the likes of Dusty..

I know that the ones who devote time to their aging parents often feel ignored and left out, while the absent ones seem to be appreciated more.. and the one being taken care of seems to light up when the absent ones appear and really do treat them like "royalty". It is happening in my family too. Is it because "Absence makes the heart grow fond"... or is it that the devoted ones are simply "taken advantage of"? If anyone can explain this; I would love to hear it.
I have heard some say that, "OH but you get to spend time with your aging parent!" I hear it loud and clear, but to feel like a devoted slave, changing diapers and doing the gritty-work; while twice-a-year-visiting-siblings receive the rewards just "seems" humiliating to me. Seeing the parent respond with charm and generosity, while being treated like Cinderella... by parent AND the visiting "Step-sisters" is a monstrous reach of family protocol. PrettyGood, I understand and relate to your feelings! Do whatever you must to preserve your dignity.

A person that lives out of state, should not be POA. In fact, some states don't allow it.

Your case, is exactly why I keep saying that the caregiver DOES need paid. If everything is equal, you should get the same amount of money as your siblings. You should be POA, but let me warn you, that is another thankless job.

PrettyGood, I was shocked to read that your sister chose an IP attorney to handle your parents' estate planning needs. IP is a highly specific practice area of law with absolutely no base for handling elder law issues. It's so specific that in our area only staff with IP experience are hired by some law firms - longevity in law makes no difference.

Do your parents have any trusted confidants, pastor/priest, someone who can explain to them that they need an elder law attorney specifically? Perhaps you or such a confidant can use an analogy such as, you wouldn't hire an electrician to change a faucet or do plumbing, nor would you hire a plumber to reroof the house. These, as are elder law and IP law, very distinct practices.

I think you and DH might want to agree on just exactly what you'll do and what you won't (emptying mouse traps - that sounds like a insult job!). Sit down with your parents and tell them you've worked out a plan that would benefit all, that you'll handle a - g tasks, but that you can't continue to do it without financial compensation, particularly since your siblings don't pitch in.

If they disagree, be emphatic that you have to limit, and CONTINUE to limit your role. You can help them find outside help (for which they'll have to pay), but you just can't be mouse trap emptiers any more!

If they object that siblings won't come to visit w/o being reimbursed for expenses, suggest that since the siblings get reimbursed, they should take over your duties while there and give you and DH relief.

It's only equitable that the adult children share in the tasks, one way or other, but certainly not equitable that they're paid to visit.

Shame on your siblings really! What is wrong with people? And i thought mine were bad?

Pretty good, we all (mostly) ignore "dusty". She likes to start trouble, instead of supporting the caregivers. There are plenty of knowledgeable and NICE ppl here. Please don't judge us on her remarks.

Assandache, jeanniegibbs always give great advice here, as do many others. I agree about seeing an Elder lawyer asap. God luck and God bless.
When you need a laugh, look up...."you know you're a caregiver if " and " whats the funniest thing your care receiver has said lately."