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"Smart people" should be aware that their parent needs help and someone has to do it, just not them, but because we take care of the parent does not make us less smart, maybe trapped, maybe never getting a break, but we are not less human beings for doing so, if anything, we are their angels on this earth...we have inner strength, integrity, trust, acquired abilities, and yes, I cannot take a two week vacation, unless I take her with me, but I find when we are on vacation she also is better relaxed and (and so am I) I sort of got away...
When I see the other siblings, I see them as the abuser's and/or neglector's that they really are, there isn't any excuse for not visiting a parent, even to take them out for lunch can be a help. He also has four siblings...their excuses are endless...
If I was to be a full-time caregiver to my parents, it would be a great disservice to them. I can't change whom I am, I can't change my personality, I can't change the fact that I am old myself.
My brother does this. I'm supposed to involve him in my mother's care. So I call him, or email him, or text him… and, when I get an answer at all, I get my SIL in my face, like some kind of sentry. Well. She may be trying to help. She may be all kinds of good things. But she's not my brother, and it's not her my mother wants involved in her life. Why can't he get his finger out enough just to answer me? I can't tell you how offensive, dismissive and frustrating it feels.
Anyone with half a brain can do that...
I'm sure these individuals who are "not cut out" would classify themselves as smart educated people..
They just couldn't be bothered...
Below is correspondence to an unscheduled visit taking place, when I was taking our eighty seven year old to the doctor for my concerns about eighty seven year old's capacity.
Did you make your mothers appointment for the morning so we can still go? Your Mom always goes with Ilse to the doctor and she is available on Mondays or Thursdays to drive. To keep an eye on your mother and at her request, I have gone with your mother to the doctor for almost three years now. The least disturbed your mother is about going to the doctor the better for all concerned mostly her. Doctor is giving your Mom a referral for the neurologist this time. We are taking things slow as not to rattle your mothers cage. In most things your mother has made a great recovery.
Sieg and I cook for her, go to the store for her and when we have a chance, when she is not home, we clean for her.
We fail to understand why you are not corresponding with us and why you think it necessary to change things with a woman who is having problems with her short-term memory or going through her friends. Her friends are not responsible for her, her children are.
You send your mother into aggitation whether you understand it or not or if you know it or not. She will always answer the phone politely no matter how she is thinking at the moment. In case you did not know, we always know you have called or something has changed, by the way we see her act.
Why not call us...so we also know you are contemplating a change in your mothers schedule, as we change our schedules to accommodate your mother and her friends schedule.
We deal with your mother everyday and if you want a daily accounting let us know. We would be glad to keep you informed, otherwise we would like to be informed in advance when you are coming to get her so we do not cook for her or feed her before you are wanting to take your mother to lunch.
Also the advance notice would also mean that her daily planner is accurate as I direct her next day activities, the night before. It would be great to know in advance if we can make personal plans because we would know your mother is with you and we have time off. We like to keep your mother's life on an even keel, prepared and calm.
My mother's appointment has been rescheduled and my sister and I will take her to see her doctor. (never happened) There is no way you have been taking her to her doctor for 3 years I have always taken her just not recently. How dare you accuse me of disturbing my mother you have nothing to say about when where or how I talk to my own mother. WHO MADE YOU IN CHARGE?????
YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER ,ALL WE EVER REQUEST ED IS TO HAVE YOU MAKE SURE SHE TAKES HER MEDS (2008 request, but needed help since 2006) PROPERLY. That does not give you the right to control everything she does. She is more than capable of doing her own cooking and cleaning and if that's too much for her my sister and I will take care of that for her (never materialized). As you might also be aware she can handle a job on the weekend (with my help until 2009) and therefore is also capable of handling her own business as best as she can. ARE YOU NOT AWARE THAT SHE IS THE OWNER OF THE HOUSE (yes that is why we asked her permission and not yours) and you have obviously taken control (someone had to) without any of her or our PERMISSION.
Like it or not things are going to change (sold her building against her will, lied about the care she was receiving, sold her building against her will, put her in a nursing home one year later in 2011, had us thrown out for abuse even though there wasn't any) as I have heard that you are very CONTROLING of her and are also rude as well. She has her friends Ilse (still her friend) and Franz (turncoat and sexual predator))and he has said that he will watch over her as needed on a daily basis and you have nothing to say about that. Franz has been a close friend of the family for a very long time and she enjoys his company and has our blessings to be with her as much as he pleases and since the house belongs to her she doesn't need your or my brother's permission to have him over when she feels like it.
I am outraged at the letter you sent to me and if you think I have to answer to you or my brother about anything I do for or with my mother you are VERY MUCH MISTAKEN.
Except for my comments in parenthesis, this situation went to court where I am happy to say that in 2014, that she is still living with us, in a single family home with us caregivers, bank as POA of money, and a Guardian court appointed.
Yes people that aren't caregivers should step aside...
She is not cut out to be a caregiver, nor is the patient easy to deal with. Some patients really do need Nurse Ratchet who will order them to take their pills and quit their bixxxing. I don't give in to my MIL at all, and I don't get backlash from her either. I really think the patient needs a "parent" who can control them.
Now try to tell me that's not selfish!!!
In my family.....
the most annoying one lives 5 miles from aunt edna ( in moms home and property ) and has never visited her but her family came running for chicken and pie at ednas 90th birthday party a couple of weeks ago ..
of course i wasnt there . i do the work on the ground in real time every morning and afternoon . my explanation ; they just werent cut out to have common sense . lol
I agree with not being criticized as well! They could help by not doing that! I already know I feel bad enough that Im not perfect at everything.
I really hate it when people say "not cutout" even my sister said this to me and i almost flipped. for me bottom line is you help your parent because you care about them and if youre not the fulltime caregiver then you should support whoever is doing it by making sure they are not "Overwhelmed and exhausted". HONOUR THEY FATHER AND THY MOTHER??
What I find hard, though, is that I don't find my "horses for courses" attitude shared by my three siblings. They don't demonstrate a moment's respect for or appreciation of what I do, and in fact there are all kinds of implied, cynical or resentful insinuations about my motives and character in virtually every comment they make. They apparently find it beyond belief that I might choose to care for my mother simply because I think it is an important and worthwhile thing to do.
I don't care, and I try not to allow it to affect my relationship with my mother, or hers with them. I wouldn't say I hate them, either: I certainly don't wish them any ill. But I do cheerfully despise the weakness and apathy of at least two of them, and I shall be glad to discard them all once my mother has passed away.
So, Yipster, I've no problem forgiving my siblings for their failure to support me: that makes no real difference. But what should I do about their pathetic failure to communicate with or to demonstrate concern or affection for their mother? - who, by the way, loves them, has never in her life been cruel to a living soul, and, while she doesn't complain, feels their absence from her life. Is that for me to forgive, or her?
Do you have other siblings willing to help?