I have reached a point that it will be less stress on me if I just don't go visit. I am tired of the dirty looks she gives me as well as the minute she sees me she gets an attitude. If my brother visits occasionally she is all smiles. She blames me for her being in NH when my brother is the one who admitted her when I was out of town. She tells me that she is deeply depressed but never shares anything with him. All I hear is negativity. She has had two TIAs and diagnoses of frailty and dementia. I need to disconnect from her and the guilt for awhile but I don't want to have regrets as she is 92 and we don't have much time left. We used to be really close but the constant arguing is not worth it. Changing the subject just leads to another argument.
Sure wish our government would work on cost containment of human services.
One of my brothers retired this past spring, and his wife had already been retired since last year. I was hoping that would mean he would make it down here more often, but that hasn't been the case.
It's hard to follow the leaps in conversation, but at least this one had a reason. If I hadn't noticed the little picture, I'd still be scratching my head about Trump killing a woman and pizza delivery guy.
My mother does this! She jumps from topic to topic, and expects people to know what she is talking about.
Are your siblings local? Do they ever do anything for and with their mother? Or is it all dumped on you?
Are there Adult Day Care programs that your mom could attend?
First, I'm so sorry you've having to go through this with your Mom. It's awful to watch our LO's get caught up in the vortex of dementia; losing their minds, losing themselves, and our powerlessness to stop it. So much of what you shared struck a chord.
My mom lives in MC. She claims she hates it there, but I don't think it's so much the place she hates as the loss of control over her life and having to associate with "those people," as she calls them, i.e. her fellows with dementia. She feels misplaced, demeaned and diminished by living among her peers because she can't or won't accept the extent of her illness. She has absolutely no compassion for them and insists she's "not as bad" when in fact she is. When I go to her MC facility and she happens to be in the community area, she's laughing, joking and conversing with "those people." Go figure. Then, in private she says ugly things about them. Even though Mom freezes up when I touch her or give her hugs (always has), she's intensly jealous when I engage with any of her fellows at MC, whether its conversation or hugs. 've found that calling Mom out on her erroneous perceptions, distortions and fabrications is a big mistake and achieves absolutely nothing. It's just better to nod and say nothing. If that's not bad enough, she actively despises me because I won't move her from MC. I decided to go low contact with Mom, my rationale being that if my mere presence sets her off, I ought to avoid as much contact as I can, in the hopes that further along in her disease process she may forget what it was/is about me that made her angry in the first place, at which point I may be able to risk more contact. I know BTW why I make her angry but confident also that (a.) it wasn't my fault and (b.) I acted kindly and appropriately.
Javagirl, everyone's circumstances are different. I don't know if low or no contact is appropriate for you and your Mom. But I do know this: Victims of this terrible disease are like people drowning; as you try to save them they pull you down with them. Take care of yourself. You're no good to you're mom if you drown too.
My FIL can be very negative and depressing to be around. Negative people are toxic. It's sad but true. I understand that we should try to step into their shoes but that's impossible when all they do is complain.
It's one thing to moan about something specific but your mother sounds like she finds things to complain about and complains about everything. When my FIL gets like that, I give it five minutes and if changing the subject doesn't work, I make an excuse and leave.
Be busy and make like your time is too valuable to be wasted complaining about nonsense. Be like a fresh breeze. Blow in, bring your sunshine, and breeze out.
Her nursing home residents obviously appreciate your visits. Perhaps you could bring your mother into common areas to socialize more with the residents you like?
Cut back on the visits for your own sanity. When you do visit, try and make them just with your mom as opposed to with the other residents, unless she engages them. I am sure she is feeling some jealousy about that.
Your mom is no longer reasoning with an adult brain. When my daughter was 6, she was insanely jealous of a classmate with cancer. "Susie gets all the Teacher's attention. Everyone thinks she's so special because she has cancer!" All she saw was the attention, which wasn't on her. Same thing with your mom.
Get the geripsych in and see if meds might help. And cut way back on visiting!
Medications do help, but they take a while to work and they're not transformative. Still worth trying, though, if they can take the edge off her misery.
Her lighting up for your brother is merely the novelty. So she would if a new kitten jumped onto the bed.
You, and believe it or not this is good, get the truth. She feels safe to tell you the reality and she knows that you are the one with the working connection to her.
Things that helped.
My mother liked nice fragrances and arm massages. An aromatherapy volunteer came to the rehab centre one day, I'd never have guessed this. My mother was not a touchy-feely lady by any means.
Music helped. Nothing you have to concentrate on, just something for brain massage. Bach is good, and goes on a long time too.
When she starts up and you can't take it, sit and hold her hand and tell her honestly that her being so unhappy makes you unhappy. Then give her a big hug, check if there's anything she needs first, tell her you love her and go home.
Stop getting caught up in what other siblings may provide or provided. They filled in gaps you were not able to provide on a given day. Navigate through the minutia and find common ground. I understand much of this can be remote, but what matters is in-person visit equals in-person memory. Don't go in to solve problems per se. Engage to continue the relationship you still have. Good luck!
If you could visit your mom outside of her room, and possibly involve a few other residents, do you think that might calm her down a bit?
Hugs to you...
So using that as your guide, you can see how your Mom is viewing life.
But I can understand your frustration when visiting Mom. You want it to be pleasant. Does she tend to be argumentative when she is in her room? What about when she is in the common area? Or outside? Bring her some flowers, the grocery stores have some very nice ones, and bring along a vase. Mom might be snippy with the flowers but I bet later on she will enjoy them, especially if other women on floor notice them in her room :)