Every time I visit my mom, she wants to argue with everything I say.

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I have reached a point that it will be less stress on me if I just don't go visit. I am tired of the dirty looks she gives me as well as the minute she sees me she gets an attitude. If my brother visits occasionally she is all smiles. She blames me for her being in NH when my brother is the one who admitted her when I was out of town. She tells me that she is deeply depressed but never shares anything with him. All I hear is negativity. She has had two TIAs and diagnoses of frailty and dementia. I need to disconnect from her and the guilt for awhile but I don't want to have regrets as she is 92 and we don't have much time left. We used to be really close but the constant arguing is not worth it. Changing the subject just leads to another argument.

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Wow, I just thought about the difference in thinking. My brother worked and made a good bit of money, and his thinking is it is time to enjoy it. I worked and made a good bit of money, and I am thinking it will be enough to tide me over unless I have to go into a NH.

Sure wish our government would work on cost containment of human services.
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Retired to many brothers means "on permanent vacation." I have one of those brothers.
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My mother has such a small life now (I'm just about her only means for socialization, although she does talk with a few people on the phone...not sure how well that goes because she needs hearing aids!). But because I've heard a lot of her yammerings, I can usually figure out what she's jumped into talking about. Usually. I'm sure my brothers would have no idea. But, alas, they don't come around much (they are not local) and don't realize her decline unless I pointedly describe it to them.

One of my brothers retired this past spring, and his wife had already been retired since last year. I was hoping that would mean he would make it down here more often, but that hasn't been the case.
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CTTN, what you wrote made me think of something funny the other night. The news was on and there was talk of Trump. Mom said she didn't like him. Then she asked me if they ever convicted him of killing those two people. I told her I didn't think anyone thought he'd killed anyone. She said, "You know, that woman and the pizza delivery guy." Then I looked at the TV and saw there was a little picture of OJ Simpson that was going to be discussed later. Ron Goldman (one of the people murdered) had been converted into a pizza delivery guy.

It's hard to follow the leaps in conversation, but at least this one had a reason. If I hadn't noticed the little picture, I'd still be scratching my head about Trump killing a woman and pizza delivery guy.
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"Every conversation is a struggle, as there is no logic and problem-solving abilities. She begins to speak as if in the middle of a thought and I have no idea who or what she's talking about. "

My mother does this! She jumps from topic to topic, and expects people to know what she is talking about.

Are your siblings local? Do they ever do anything for and with their mother? Or is it all dumped on you?
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Minnesota, welcome!

Are there Adult Day Care programs that your mom could attend?
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Setting boundaries is a great thing in theory to do, but difficult to implement. My mother with vascular dementia moved in with my husband and I 8 months ago and am now seeing how I need to set some boundaries to save my own mental health. She wants to be with me all the time. I have no alone time. I feel obligated to take her everywhere with me since she no longer drives. Every conversation is a struggle, as there is no logic and problem-solving abilities. She begins to speak as if in the middle of a thought and I have no idea who or what she's talking about. You can imagine how this is going with a teen-age daughter in the house! It's very difficult to discern what is dementia and what is her existing personality. Easy for people to say "put yourself in her shoes", but the reality is that there is a lifetime of emotions and relationship dysfunction entwined in trying to help her and be a good daughter. Resentment towards my other siblings is an ever-present danger when I get super-frustrated.
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Javagirl,

First, I'm so sorry you've having to go through this with your Mom. It's awful to watch our LO's get caught up in the vortex of dementia; losing their minds, losing themselves, and our powerlessness to stop it. So much of what you shared struck a chord.

My mom lives in MC. She claims she hates it there, but I don't think it's so much the place she hates as the loss of control over her life and having to associate with "those people," as she calls them, i.e. her fellows with dementia. She feels misplaced, demeaned and diminished by living among her peers because she can't or won't accept the extent of her illness. She has absolutely no compassion for them and insists she's "not as bad" when in fact she is. When I go to her MC facility and she happens to be in the community area, she's laughing, joking and conversing with "those people." Go figure. Then, in private she says ugly things about them. Even though Mom freezes up when I touch her or give her hugs (always has), she's intensly jealous when I engage with any of her fellows at MC, whether its conversation or hugs. 've found that calling Mom out on her erroneous perceptions, distortions and fabrications is a big mistake and achieves absolutely nothing. It's just better to nod and say nothing. If that's not bad enough, she actively despises me because I won't move her from MC. I decided to go low contact with Mom, my rationale being that if my mere presence sets her off, I ought to avoid as much contact as I can, in the hopes that further along in her disease process she may forget what it was/is about me that made her angry in the first place, at which point I may be able to risk more contact. I know BTW why I make her angry but confident also that (a.) it wasn't my fault and (b.) I acted kindly and appropriately.

Javagirl, everyone's circumstances are different. I don't know if low or no contact is appropriate for you and your Mom. But I do know this: Victims of this terrible disease are like people drowning; as you try to save them they pull you down with them. Take care of yourself. You're no good to you're mom if you drown too.
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Poster says her mother has always been this way i.e. self isolating, a loner, a self-absorbed and depressive personality. Depressives don't necessarily need medication.

My FIL can be very negative and depressing to be around. Negative people are toxic. It's sad but true. I understand that we should try to step into their shoes but that's impossible when all they do is complain.

It's one thing to moan about something specific but your mother sounds like she finds things to complain about and complains about everything. When my FIL gets like that, I give it five minutes and if changing the subject doesn't work, I make an excuse and leave.
Be busy and make like your time is too valuable to be wasted complaining about nonsense. Be like a fresh breeze. Blow in, bring your sunshine, and breeze out.

Her nursing home residents obviously appreciate your visits. Perhaps you could bring your mother into common areas to socialize more with the residents you like?
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Cut back on the visits. Try to bring her something she would enjoy -maybe a family picture album going way back, or one of her treats. When she starts in, be gentle but firm, "mom, you hurt my feelings when you speak that way, i'll come back when you are feeling better, i love you" and then leave.
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