Every decision I do to help my parents is met with seething hatred from my mom and dissatisfaction from my dad. My mom has threatened to have me arrested. My dad told me he was going crazy in an assisted living. My mom has hated all her nursing homes (3 in the past year) and literally fights her way out of them or flat out escapes. She hates how I restrict her access to a phone, computer, and money. She would spend all her money if she could. She calls everyone on her contacts list begging to be let out and to get booze. She hates how I don't let her have booze, and she has snuck it in to her NH.
I let my parents do whatever they wanted after I gave up one time, and they ended up in an apartment they couldn't afford without home health - my mom can't even walk. By the time social services got involved, she hadn't had a bath in weeks. My dad was too drunk to function and was too sick because of it. My mom was starving and not taking her meds, as was my dad. I got her back into a nursing home with the help of a local advocacy agency, and my mom was so grateful all of a sudden. She had a clean pee-free bed, food, a bath, etc. My dad got into an Alzheimer/Dementia unit that was locked so he couldn't go out and find booze, and it was very nice in there. He socialized with people with similar brain issues. I got them all happy just in time for me to study abroad.
The FIRST WEEK I was abroad, my mom was screaming and kicking people, running over residents in her scooter, threatening to call police and report elder abuse, drinking when friends took her out to lunch. She's technically under eviction from her current nursing home, but she has nowhere to go so they can't evict her on the street. My dad was being so good in his unit so he went to an townhouse. But, he started drinking again even though he was ashamed of it and then complains that he is so alone. If I had it my way, my mom would be in a nursing home happy and content, and my dad in an independent living apartment with minimal care but still a semi-controlled environment where he could come and go as he pleased and socialize with people. My mom drives everyone crazy including my dad, but my dad takes his marriage vows to the ultimate extreme and refuses to ignore my mom when he needs to the most. They want to be together, but it. is. just. not. an. option.
My parents can't seem to let go of their ideal life. They both need to be checked into a rehab center to get meds sorted and to get drinking controlled, but there's no money. They both need to just accept the life that drinking created for them. I'm at my wits end. If I let them on their own, I fully 100% expect them to be dead by next Christmas - that is how destructive their behaviors are. They are 100% not capable of complete independence, and they will never be again, but they are the least compliant people.
A part of me really wants to just disappear, change my phone number, move to a different state, and continue with my life. My parents potentially have a decade or more left in them, and the thought of this cycle repeating for another 10 years makes me want to jump off the nearest bridge. Not one single thing anyone has done has helped permanently in the past year. No progress has been made. At what point do you just leave them to their own devices and the mercy of social services? At what point is that ethical? Do I just contact an elder law attorney to verify that I've done everything I legally can do as their child, and then vanish? I feel like I am staring into an abyss, my anxiety is through the roof, and I feel depression creeping up on me like the devil.