Borderline Personality Disorder grew into ultra non-compliant diabetic, morbidly obese (of course), became a nurse practitioner, got lymphoma, dealing with increased neuropathy, decreased mobility, falls, dementia, etc. After 2 big falls last year where she was inpatient physical rehab for months, broke leg sneaking into Pizza Hut and is still in rehab almost 5 months later.
My days are spent with her calling multiple times a day and swinging from just wanting to talk (micromanage), to obses (come get me), to threaten (I'm rescinding the DPOA and suing you), to wailing (I'm dying and you don't care), to lovey-dovey (I miss you and the kids so much). I survived her abuse as a kid and the sexual abuse of her boyfriends. I thought she outgrew it before I learned about Borderlines and realized she was only in between episodes when I moved my family back to our farm to help her when she got lymphoma. Now we are STUCK. We gave up everything to come here.
I'm going to be disastrously honest because I am at the end of my rope. The very lovable, loving person she seemed to have finally grown into that I had for a very brief couple of years was awesome. Sadly, I have to admit that woman is not my mother. My mother, the woman I have known more than most of my life is to other one. And I don't like the other one. I despise her. I barely survived her as a teenager when I had to run away from home after her lover but her senseless and tried to cut my throat.
I still tried to be decent to her because, I reasoned that if I went crazy when I was older I wouldn't want my kids to hate and abandon me. Then she became a nice person for a while and I reached out, enjoying having a real mother for once. I had two babies, I wanted and needed her and enjoyed it. Now my babies just turned 8 and 11 and she has returned full force. I don't know some times if she has completely forgotten they exist (because when I bring them up sometimes she pauses and seems very surprised) or if she simply doesn't care.
She tried to "escape" the physical rehab by forcing the hand of the attending physician there, hired a wheelchair van and came home for 4 hours a few weeks ago. She can't wheel her own wheel chair, can't walk to get in the bathroom, is too wide to wheel into her room, it was disastrous. She soiled herself and then screamed at me she hadn't and finally called 911 claiming she was having trouble breathing and went to the hospital. There her regular PCM saw her and freaked out. He sent her packing back to the home where she had been receiving rehab except he put her in long term care. He instructed me to get DPOA and informed us she would be living out her days in the nursing home.
Of course, that isn't the way she remembers it. She is still convinced she is doing rehab and coming home. She has herself convinced that it is all my fault she isn't being allowed to come home. No matter how many times or ways we discuss it, it is all me.
Well, all of me is freaking EXHAUSTED mentally, physically and most of all, my soul is SCORCHED. I have NOTHING left for this woman. And she didn't save a dime so there is no money for any creative care to appease her.
If I could, I would sign her over to the state and walk away. I am sick of it. I don't want any more.