Since my mother fell and broke her hip last Sunday, I am trying to take care of her needs while she is in rehab, keep her clothes washed, take care of bills and insurance matters and all I get is
"constant flack" about how much she wants to go home and does not want to be there. I dont think anyone would prefer to be in a rehab center but we would "man up" or "woman up" and do what we need to do to get better. Not the case here. Mom tries to convince everyone she can get better at home. This would be true if she had 24 hour care, however she only has caregiver's during the day. This is such a thankless job. I do not expect a thank you however I do expect so respect and not to be critized for everything I do. I am very frustrated and had a panic attack today. Had not had one in awhile. Between issues with my job, my family and dealing with my mother, I feel that I about to lose my mind. I have no family that will help or is willing to help. I am frustrated to the point of despair. I can tell I am starting to show signs of depressions again. I was applying to return to school when she broke her hip and that has been placed on hold for now. My siblings have moved on with their lives and are living with their families, having babies and not having to deal with the "mom" stuff. I just do not feel I can continue to deal with this all. I have missed so many "firsts" of MY kids that I cannot count. This is something I cant get back. Thanks for letting me vent. My sincere hope that no one has to go through this alone, without support. I do not think anything can make you feel more alone than when you are sitting in a surgical waiting room by yourself and realizing you are the only person in the world this person has. It is not a good feeling for anyone.
You will have to learn to detach from her complaining. Please remind yourself this is not about you and what you are doing. Tell her you are doing all you can, but that there's no choice but for her to be where she is.
You may have to look into assisted living or a nursing home for her. You can't lose you who other life, because you are right - you can't get it back. Your kids need you, too.
While your mom is in rehab is a good time for you to see a counselor for yourself, and to look into better arrangements for her. If she can't have 24 hour in-home care (and few can afford it), then she may have to move to a facility. This could take you down, and then what would she have?
Try your state Web site and look for a version of the National Family Caregiver Support Program. They should be a good source of information for you.
Please take care of yourself.
My post was for you, not Crowe. Buena suerte con tu mama y que se mejore.
Let it all hang out my brother! (Well, not everything.) But find a way to keep yourself together. Otherwise you won't have a job and your mom won't have a home to come to AFTER she's rehabilitated. She's already rented enough space in your head, so tune her out when she starts all that "take me home" talk. She's not ready.
We also had a rehab experience. She was scared there and I had to sit with her until I couldn't take it any more and then she had to sit at the Nurse's station or she would keep trying to get up and run out.
At this point the disease has progressed and she isn't as anxious. We had to put her on an anti anxiety med, trazodone, which has helped a lot.
Like so many others, sometimes I think "i wish she would just go to sleep and not wake up", but that's not really what I wish, I wish we could spend what time we have and find a way to be at least somewhat happy. Have a laugh or two.
At some point I became the critical one. (My mom is quite lazy, self absorbed and spiteful). She came looking for an argument & got one in me. She is rarely critical now as I have taken over that role to some extent (less now). I gave her a "dose of her own medicine" for a time and the tables turned. Never too old to learn! A narcissist will always be a chalenge but the dynamics will & do change on a regular basis.
I've tried many avenues out of desperation. Some have worked and some have not. It's a question of control...you don't want control but you also don't want to be controlled. She doesn't want to give up her control, but her decision making is no longer rational.
If you want the battle to end you must be the one to take control as much as you hate it. There will always be small skirmishes but to a lesser degree. Allow her as much control as possible but not to her own hurt or yours. Set some boundaries & stick to them. Chances are she does not respect you at all now & will not until you lay down some rules. As the NH worker said, don't see her when you're already having a bad day....walk away when she wants to poke at you. Don't allow yourself to be an aggression outlet.
This won't be easy but is less painful than being walked on constantly.
I wish you all the best.
I felt real sorry for myself and real put upon. I was in tears. Mom then complained that I was embarrassing her.
When the facility admissions director noticed she wanted to talk to me about it. She gently suggested I not come to visit on those days when I was already having a a bad day and feeling stressed. And she listened to me explain that my mom had started criticizing and belittling me when I was about 4 or maybe 5 years old, and basically never stopped.
I tried not to react to what she told me next - she apparently had been through the same thing with her mom - she said "It will be better when your mother dies." It seemed like such a wrong thing to say, a harsh thing to say, but I could not disagree. Mom has always always thought the way to help someone be a better person is to criticize and tell them everything they are doing wrong, and she does not do it as much to others because I am the one she cares about and still feels a duty to make me perfect. Not having a steady stream of criticism in my life will be a relief but I wish, I wish, I wish there was a way for that to happen without losing my mom. If that makes any sense. And as harsh as it is, that puts it in some perspective. If I care about mom and our relationship, and about the quality of whatever time we have left, I must find the best way possible to overlook and limit the effect of the ridiculous criticism as much as possible. Its either that or become just like everyone else in the family who just avoid visiting her until I pretty much push them into it.
You really shouldn't feel like you are the only one doing this 'alone'. So many here are doing the same thing, and you should be asking for help from ANY family you can. I have a brother that is just like your sister, and quite frankly, since my mother has passed, I doubt we will speak again. Sad, but true. I have not need for his drama anymore.
So take care of the most important issues and let the rehab center care for your mother. God Bless