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Nola,
Please take care of yourself. It seems to be a common thread in all of the issues that we bring up on this site. We are so wrapped up in the care of others that we forget ourselves. She is so lucky to have you. Good luck and take care
lovingdaughter
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Notavictim, you offer valuable insight when you say "try being them for awhile." Everyone needs to look at their situation from all sides. However, being a 24/7 caregiver is stressful, and people need to feel it's okay to vent. It gets the feelings out and they are better caregivers because of it. Not everyone will have the same opionion.

Carol
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Dear notavictim, obviously you have not read too many posts, and just started posting yourself. If you do not have anything nice to say here about caregivers that have given up so much to care for their loved ones, then don't say anything at all. Yes, we are whining, but I bet you do too. We are also learning from one another, maybe you should read and learn, you need it. We are all here to help one another, and just like mitizi said, cry with one another, and sometimes pray for and with one another. If what is being posted here on this site offends you, then maybe you should not read our posts. May God bless you, and hope you do not have to go through what these people here have been going through.
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notavictim, it sounds like you were one at one point. What difference does a class of person make, sounds like you were in it just for them money and pissed cause it ain't there, So just sit back and let the state care for you, they will have about as much caring as you do!
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notavictim.... let me reverse the thought... quit being harsh to those who are struggling.

People come to the boards for experience, help, and possibly quite new to caregiving and struggling to cope. I am middle class and I work my tail off like many here do as well. People are having to take time off from work from a new job they received and scared they may lose a new job due to the fact of providing for their parents that they are choosing to do.

Again the beauty of freedom is you have a choice on what to read and not to read and I'm sorry you feel a bit of hostility towards those who are reaching out.

I am choosing to respond because I can only imagine how many jaws are dropping at this post.

Don't worry about grieving the loss emotionally of a parent or the words you speak to try and grab hold of how to deal with all of this. This is a hard road. I am glad that there is one person at least who will never have to worry about struggling to do what is necessary. notavictim please do not negate the issues that folks have on these message boards. People here have helped me tremendously and I treasure each of them and cry with many of them.

I have a few theories on changing your middle class status if you are interested :)
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Hi everyone, I have been reading as often as I can, sometimes just words from others can really help ease the stress. As far as hospice? Well I would be in the nut house for sure if it were not for the hospice here to help me, My 92 yr grandmother,she has advanced dementia!!! She has been living with me for 3 yrs now, NO help from my mother who lives next door, she won't even walk over here to see her own mother. Plus my "G", (grndma) raised me about 80 % of my life anyway.
So she is my mother!! Anyway, In home Hospice has helped me with this, G has been up and down, there has been several times we thought she would be gone over night, but she always comes back up, only this time she won't come back enough to stand up by herself. she is going down fast and I see it happening everyday. I thank God for this woman, and pray for the strenght to go on, the patience to deal with the 50 questions and pretend to know what the babbleling is about, and make her passed on relatives get out of her bed, or leave her alone, or her brother (passed) to let go of her leg. I have to deal with the screams, the slaps, but you know, there are good moments, when she looks up at me and calls me an angel, Or I say goodmorning and she smiles and says Hi.
I learned that If I stop for 5 mins, and put myself in her place, If I truly believed that the words She thinks she is saying, In her little mind she is talking, not mumbleling, and in her mind, her brothers are picking on her, and in her eyes, she's holding a piece of bread in her hand and not the napkin she can't bite into. I stop and think about all the things this woman lived through, and went through raising 3 kids as a military wife, then helping raise 9 grnd kids alone with no husband, threw the depressin and wars, when i look at it that way, these little spouts I go through with her aren't so bad after all. Don't get me wrong, I have wanted to just smack her many times, but, No, just walk away, calm down, take a deep breathe, and go fix her lunch. I think we all need a 5 min break every once in a while to get our thoughts back on track. I will stop now, and continue to pray for patience for everyone dealing with these type of situations, God knows we need that, and he finds a way, for us to deal.
Thanks
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Dear Austin, I feel for you. Glad you're getting help, but is it enough? Having to miss your family major events, and their support doesn't sound healthy. How long can you last isolated with a sometimes verbally abusive husband with health is failing?

And Carol's right, kycady. Hospice is for the family as well. They can help. Ask your Dad's Physicians to call them in.
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You must get help with this. Please try hospice even if the scans show "good news." He may qualify. He doen't have to be at death's door to get hospice care, and you would benefit greatly from their support.

Please get help with this, or you will be sicker than he is.

Carol
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My birthfather now has lung cancer (he has had Alzhmeirer's for the last 6 years)... I've been taking care of him all by myself for 6 years. Now, my cousin is coming to say his goodbyes at the end of the month. That is it - never calls to ask how I am doing ... I've been getting very sick everytime I take my bf to the hospital for his workup... now the pulmonary doctor said (in a message at 5:00 & I couldn't call him back) that he has "good news" leaving me hanging all weekend. This probably means the PETScan revealed no other cancer but his renal & lung which means hospice may not be approved and I will have NOONE to help me. I've been very sick on and off for the last month. So I am guilt ridden for wanting hospice... (cause that means he will be dying)... he's 80 years old & I've only known him for 6 years. I have no more health insurance & am totally broke. I can't even think straight anymore.... I just woke up from a terrifying nightmare. I was in the hospital w/Chris for a PETSCan yesterday... people all over with masks - it was horrible... I probably will be very sick very soon & not be able to do anything. Have no friends, family or neighbors who will help.
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Anne -thank you for reminding me what is important and whatever we do we are serving God and doing his work here on earth and will be accountable to him some day and we never know how long we have here -he does ont promise us a tomarrow. I went to take some papers to the husband and stoped to pick up lunch for him and me and he was happy about that and we talked a little about what we have to do to get him home and will both meet with the accountant in a little over a week to figure out how to finance this large outlay of money for aides 8 hrs. daily and have been in touch with an agency that will give me the hours I need 12noon -8pm except on Sunday which will be 10am-6pm so I can go to church and thursday so I can continue to meet with our group to sew cancer pads for part of the time they meet and have lunch up there with my friends-I will have to give up a lot because he can not be left alone due to him not being able touse good judgement so will not be able to go to see my Mom and sister this summer or attend my younger brothers wedding or my nephew's wedding either but when they visit my older brother who lives about 20 miles from me I will be able to see them and I am not sure how long the husband will be home this time so it will not be forever.
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Ditto, mqflowers. Thanks, Jerome. Thanks you for shining your light in the darkness! And at the end of the rope, there is faith, hope, and love. Keep up the good work, Caregivers! You are serving the living God!
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Well said Jerome. I thank you for your comments as they have and will help me in the future. I am learning to be more humble regarding my Mom and to be there when she needs me. She now resides with us and, yes it's been a challenge, but we are there for her and will continue to be.

I thank you again, as I needed to hear your words of wisdom.
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Anne, all I can tell you today is Well Done! For it is GOD's grace that allows us to be able to have the slow goodbye with our loved ones. Be not ashamed as you have tried your best, and will continue to do your best for your family. The kindness I show my mother these days -- I am grateful to be able to have these moments, and to meet them at her need, not mine. For when they are gone, the memories that will persist are the deeds of kindness shared, and the bitter ones will fade. For what hope do we have but the promise of GOD's Love through Jesus Christ. To his Glory.
For those who are struggling with their parents, learn and grow to love the struggle, they are fighting against the disease, and a learning lesson for us.
For when they no longer understand, you will miss it.
In the flow, Jerome.
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Just think: soon the day will be over, when we can no longer work. This is not just about them, or us. It's a journey and a growing experience for all. We make many mistakes along the way. We sometimes stumble and fall, and so do our loved ones. And sometimes there comes a time, when one of us, or one of them needs help. If we are the one to assist another, I pray we can do so, suspending our own desires and dreams, able to give assurance to our loved ones that they were important; that they mattered, and that they were loved. In all, that God gets the glory, not us. Because he has given us life, and it is before him to whom we will stand and give account for what we've done in this life. I don't want to be ashamed. I want to hear, "Well done," and be that good servant to those he's placed in my care.
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In fact, I have pictures that day, of Dad NOT going to the beach. Of him closing the curtains, smoothing his bed coverings, then lying back down. He was making faces at me, and growling, though smiling. It was eerie. Instead of going for walks, enjoying a ferry ride, seeing the lake, having a picnic, we have been reduced to sitting in his room, working on jigsaw puzzles, watching him sleep, and listening to him snore. Every once in awhile, he opens his eyes, smiles as I wave, or jabbers a few unintelligible sentences. Life for Dad has changed, and for us it has, too. So we just adjust. I still dream, but have to guard myself from anger, bitterness and resentment. I am learning to enjoy what years/months/days or moments we have left, and try to enjoy him where he's at. I thank God that Dad's no longer raging and screaming. It was intimidating and difficult. So is seeing him change, slow and fade. Wow. It's painful, at times. But I thank God that I get these last days and memories with him, no matter what they hold. These moments, however taxing, are all we have left. And I pray we can give him comfort, joy and peace in the midst of his decline. It's definitely a growing experience. I pray someday there will be no regrets. It's not a dress rehearsal, and not a game, but is the end of an era, the end of life for Dad, and the end of our time together as father and daughter. I pray it's not something for me to be ashamed of. I pray he can rest in confidence, and somehow know he's loved. I believe this is what all our loved ones need, just as will desire it for ourselves one day
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Yeah, wanting to enjoy beautiful sights together. I understand. Just last week, I tried to take Dad to a nearby park on the lake, getting him out for the first since December for some fresh air. It was a beautiful, sunshiny, tee-shirt day. With great effort, I convinced him to get out of bed, and follow me. After much convincing, he got up, started walking, out the front door, where the car was waiting, but wouldn't get in. He just said no, turned back and refused to go. It was sad. I was so disappointed, but tried hard not to let is show. I was looking forward to a sweet time together, for him to be able to enjoy a refreshing change of scenery, view of the lake, etc. Instead, I had to walk him back to his room, and see him crawl back into bed.

We did go to the beach that day. My husband, son and I took FIL for that drive. And as I walked barefoot along the beach for the first time this Spring, I almost ached that he was not with me. I took lots of pictures of the other three, but will not have pictures of my Dad enjoying that beautiful day.
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I guess I'm lucky he can still remember my name. Most days he can't remember my daughter's names, even though one of them was named after his beloved wife, my mother. Yes, the lack of grooming is hard to accept as well as the strange behaviors. God, please don't let me go through what he is going through. Whenever my husband makes comments about him, I just say "you are going to be exactly like that someday!" I hope not, going through that once is more than enough. I so wanted to be able to take my dad on trips, and show him beautiful sights while traveling in the motorhome. Before I moved him out here with me, everytime I saw a beautiful sunset, rainbow, the gorgeous mountains, I always thought of him, and missed him dearly. I had this urgency to get him out here, so he could still enjoy the beauty God has given us in this beautiful state. But that is also too late. He has now become bowel incontinent, and in a small motorhome, that will not be hygenic if you know what I mean. He doesn't seem to enjoy much except food and sleep. At least he still reads his magazines. I have kept my daughter's dog, which he likes, and likes him. I have had her for a month now. Her name is sweetie, and it fits her personality. My husband has not said that I have to get rid of her. I intend not to, she has been such a joy to my daughter, who has also been neglected and taken back seat to grandpa. I love that dog too, she has given me much joy.
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Dear Naus, I mourn for mine, too. He can't talk in understandable sentences anymore, but I thank God he can still laugh. He doesn't get up to go for walks with me, when he used to walk the Mackinaw Bridge and the Bobby Crim (Michigan). But he smiles when he sees us. I wish he could go to the beach with us, but he won't get in the car, no matter how much convincing we try. Sometimes I'm embarrassed lack of grooming, or incredulous by his behavior, because he used to be so respectable and professional. Wow, things change with Alzheimer's. He can no longer say my name, and asks, "Who's that?" when I talk about my son, who visits almost every day. (Who is the apple of his eye
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Hi Anne, thanks for the uplift. I keep trying to live by the fact that we lay down or lives, as servants, as unto God, not man. And I can feel good about myself in knowing that when I do things for people, I never expect to get anything out of it in return. It's the good feeling I get just from doing things for others.
With Dad though, I have distanced myself emotionally from him because it hurts too much, and I am tired of mourning for him while he is still here on earth.
Hope all is well with all of you, have a good night.
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Dear Naus, don't know if this will help or not, but I heard a message tonight about being vexed. Look it up. Read about righteous Lot, and ask God to change your heart, and touch your eyes, and let you see things through his from a heart of compassion. We need to love and sacrifice and give. We lay down our lives, as servants, as unto God, not man. They will be touched by our good works, but not if we're angry, unforgiving, vexed. Understand, I'm not preaching at you, but myself. It's easy to see the person's actions and not their need. I'm here, too. We all need to be loved. Doesn't matter if we don't think we're getting what we "deserve," from someone else, or not. But even if we're not, God loves us, and gives us strength to love and serve those others who have physical and spiritual and emotional needs, too. If we don't show them love, who will??? I've read it here a few times, "we can't get blood out of a turnip..." I say we can get beyond our past frustrations and hurts, only with God's help. My family and I are in the midst of a miracle right now...
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Hello Nola,
Phew!- so you have your hands full. Relax and let's look at this with some support coming your way.

I am a geriatric care manager as well as a caregiver for my "challenging" 85 year old mother. Caring for a parent or any loved one who had limited emotional resources while you were in their care is a tough haul- but not impossible.

You ask for suggestions and below are a few. By all means, keep what works and throw out the rest LOL First might I suggest a deep breath and while you are breathing let me commend and recognize your desire, willingness and compassion in trying to do the right thing.

WIth suggestions come a tip- a new credo. One to be said frequently and yes even outloud LOL I am action and solutions oriented. Try it... it works! Somehow it fortifies you with some renewed energy.

The QVC extravaganza- call up QVC and explain the cirumstances. Reiterate your mom is in debt and a senior and request a hold on the account as her daughter and caregiver. They dont want negative press and are ususally very accomodating.

The agency you refer to in your post... contact them. They often have a nutritionsit that does site visits. He/she will go over suitable substitutes for mom's sweet tooth. This way the information is coming from them and not you- a good way to disengage from a hot topic with your mom. One question though- who does the grocery shopping? How does the ice cream get into the freezer? You might want to ask that and plan a course of action accordingly.

Hygiene and cleaninliness- a common issue. Take heart and that same agency- call and see if there is a social worker who can link you with home attendance services. Ususally they are based on income (mom's) and their responsibility is cleanliness and a safe environment for the senior. Should mom have issues with that, you then have an ally for information, referrrals and support on how to further proceed. Again, this will allow you to disengage from a hot topic with mom.

Regarding " I've got a lot of old anger issues with my mother, most regarding things that she put me through when I was growing up (physical, verbal, emotional abuse... neglect... blah blah blah)" maybe ( I am rootin' for you to do this)
ask that social worker for some support. You deserve too!!!!!!


Be well and remember that credo! :)
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I agree that if someone has, like Nola's mother, had what seems like a personality disorder her whole life, it's more a mental illness and not aging issues. MaggieSue has a lot figured out here. There's a point where you need to take care of yourself and get help from experts on the mental issues.

Carol
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My post was cut off...
I told my husband one of two things would happen with mom: 1) she would be miserable because someone "outdid" her; or 2) she would be in a good mood because then she would be the center of attention again.

Come last week when I saw mom she was perky. In her world all was right.

NPD what a horrible thing. I fight hard not to behave like her because I never want to be that miserable.

God bless!!!
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Oh dear Neon, that prayer comes with a price to learn peace. It is so sad that your mother is like that. I can relate when my mother was so pissed off at me because I told her that her needs would not be met according to her needs while my MIL was rushed to the hospital and ended up with emergency quad bypass.

So my mother started coughing dramatically and said she had slurred speech for the past 2 weeks. Coincidentally that's how long my MIL had been admitted by that point.

The following week I had to see her and let her know my MIL died. She acted bothered.

I told my husband one of two things would happen with mom: 1) she would be miserable because someone "outdid" her
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Gee maggiesue, I have done the same thing with my mother I look out for her when she doesn't know it because it's all about her it never matters what you do what you buy for her how you try to make her happy she is just a miserable person so I have distanced myself to she lives with me and drama oh my when one thing doesn't work she tries something else now its the swine flu really its allergies she thinks the hospital here killed my father they didn't she watched his stroke he had a slow bleed and he went from talking to mumbling to gutteral to nothing in less than a hour and a week later he died. when asked if she wanted to go to the hospital she said no so can't be that bad she has red eyes and a cough but she is a drama queen I moved my computer out of the family room she has taken over the tv in there when my husband isn't home and I had to hear all her complaining and moaning and groaning so moved it to the dining room where I could be alone and not get so aggitated the stress was beyond relief, two weeks ago she wanted to move got everything in place cuz she ain't gonna do nothing and than when I presented her with the application she thinks its better to stay with me AND DRIVE ME NUTS!! she has lived with me for a year now, the reason she wanted to come live with me is the 87 year old next door was having men in at all hours LOL (relatives) and they had a band come in almost every night well I sat on the parking lot waiting for the band for three nights randomly never saw or heard a thing so one of those nights I asked her what kind of music did they play last night she went on and on and on so than I told her I was out on the parking lot from midnight till three and there wasn't even a light on in that apartment the only light on was in hers. so I guess the band was late coming. She is deaf as a doornail so if there was a band she wouldn't have heard them anyway,, her own doing I took her to the ear doc last year when I brought them down to live in our town and he said she was far too gone for a hearing aid, she knows everything but never does anything and she's been like that ever since I've known her I knew at six I never wanted to be like that. sad really. So the only way I can cope is to distance myself and may the Lord forgive me I don't know what else to do except pray for her and it seems the more I pray the more spiteful she gets. I just want to be happy and have some peace. Maybe thats what I should pray for. hmmm
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Dear Naus! You will be free from guilt as his needs are met, with your loving visits smoothing the way. My Dad has Advanced Alzheimer's and he's doing better than when in his own home, and better than he could with me. I didn't dump Dad, I get to play with him now. I don't change his sheets, and wet clothing; I take him for walks and hug him. He yells at the staff, and they brush it off. He smiles at me, and looks forward to our time together. I am relaxed and enjoying my Dad for the first time in 51 years. He is at peace, and very comfortable in his safe quarters. The pressure and stress is off me, and off him. Many caregivers there meet his many needs in ways I cannot. God has truly blessed. And I can come and go as needed to take care of my Mom 200 miles away (not for long) and my son and husband and ME...(hopefully, soon...lol). We simply CANNOT do it all.
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Dear goodaughter, another voice of reason and practicality. Rubber meets the road here. Do we sacrifice ourselves for another? As the questions was asked previously: and who cares for the one we were when we're gone? Take care, all.
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Great advice mitzi! I am having trouble dealing with the guilt of not being emotionally attached anymore. I was very close to my dad, but he is now someone I don't know anymore, or even like. His situation has put such a strain on my marriage, and family life, and I feel so resentful for it. I just can't wait to get him into AL or nursing facility, and I feel horrible for feeling this way, and that I am failing the test the Lord has given me, and that he will not forgive me for it. My dad was always there for me, and I feel I am letting him down.
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Our parents aren't in control, and neither are we. God is. We have to act on God's leading, knowing that faith without works is dead. And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men; knowing that of the Lord ye shall receive the reward...
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Worth it's weight in gold! Thanks, Mitzi and Jerome. Voices of wisdom and practicality in uncertain situations. So encouraging to hear your experiences, strength and hope. Share the source, and that will help others more. For example, our wisdom comes from above, and not ourselves. He guides and directs. For wisdom, God. The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom and knowledge: but fools despise wisdom and instruction. God is in control
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