So, I have been living with my mother for about 7 years or so now. She does not have dementia. She has become more and more difficult to deal with. My husband and my two daughters moved in with her and her husband to help care for them. Her husband did have dementia and passed away in 2012 from cancer. During this time, my mom has had heart valve replacement, hip replacement, a new pacemaker that got infected, and became a huge ordeal as she had to have the 30 plus year old wires removed. She is now 86 by the way. She had the pacemaker surgery in 2014. She was really bad off and we didn't think she would make it. She has had c diff as well, been in and out of the hospital and nursing home for therapy. I have no one else to help me deal with her. She has been more and more hateful. My daughters moved out as they can't deal with her and now they don't want to really even visit with her. She was going to call the police on my youngest while I was away, because she was using the bathroom. We have two bathrooms, she just refused the use the other one. Now I continue to hear that SHE pays the mortgage. As if we do nothing to help. I work full time, my husband is off work due a back injury. I just had surgery on my ankle from an old injury. I pay all of the bills (other thank the mortgage) I do get some money from her social security to help with costs but generally I try not to take anything from her at all. Lately due to my husband being off I have to get something from her so we continue to have electricity and food. She has decided that she HAS to leave curtains open for her parrot to get sunlight. We live in Florida, the window faces the west so in the afternoon the hottest part of the sunlight is shining into that window for at least 8 hours. I have asked that she not do this as it makes it hotter in the house. We just replaced the AC unit last year. She also will stand with the door open calling her dog, or leaving the front door (west side) open so it gets super hot in the living room! She refuses to help me out. I have let her know I can't afford this $300 or more a month for electric. She doesn't care. I want to leave, but at this time I can't afford to leave! I don't know what to do! I am basically venting at this moment and hopefully I can come up with a solution. I am sad that I can't get along with my mother, I don't wish anything bad on her, but I can't get her to see my side of anything. I am slowly shutting down where I don't want to do anything for her. I make her medical appointments, pick up her meds, I try to take her out to the store but she doesn't want to go when I can go, but when I can't take her (I work M-F all day) any other day she gets mad gives me a guilt trip. She constantly talks about how she was abused by my father's family (more than 50 years ago, not one of the people she talks about is alive anymore) I feel defeated. I have tried to get her counseling but she refused. I don't really expect answers, mainly venting. I can't rely on my brother. She tells him stories that are not true, but then tells me bad things about his wife, how she gets her nails and hair done but doesn't work, and how my brother has to take care of their daughter and he cooks and cleans...!!! Thank you for reading this far!
the parrot would do better in an alcove or back room area of the house . if they are in the main traffic flow they try to run the household and stay too stressed .
stress isnt doing any of you any good . tell the old bag to blow it out her a$$ a few times . she'll respect you more if you display a spine .
take that from someone who has worked for the public for 20 years . my best customer / friends are people ive slammed heads with years ago .
[aside: I moved heaven and earth to get my mother to a therapist, on one occasion. She came out absolutely furious at being asked such personal questions. Oh well, I tried. Sigh…]
But it stinks for you. What can you change? Not your mother. She is an old woman - in that respect your brother is right - and a very unhappy one, probably with some genuine grievances, who isn't interested in what it would take to change. Your situation? If you can't do that now, at least work towards it: you'll feel better just for having a plan. So meanwhile, that leaves yourself, and how you and your husband respond to your mother's behaviour and personality.
It's your mother who's the unhappy person. She can't force you to take after her.
Sorry - I've just seen your post about the parrot. If he is a true parrot, they live for decades and they don't moult for no reason. He needs veterinary attention. Go behind her back to get it if need be, or threaten to call the animal welfare people.
From what you are writing about your Mom, I agree with Sunnygirl, is sure sounds like dementia. Also, those with dementia will tell "stories" to get attention. Those with dementia, their world becomes smaller so all your Mom thinks about is herself. There is nothing wrong with an elder getting dementia, it is just part of getting older for some folks.
Your Mom wouldn't need to go into a nursing home, but if she could afford it she could go into Assisted Living. Maybe she needs to be around people of her own age, that way she can make new friends. Your Mom is probably also upset that her husband had passed away leaving her alone, it wasn't the retirement she had planned.
That's a lot to think about.
You say that your mom does not have dementia, but the behavior you describe sounds off to me. Why would she call the police on your daughter for using the bathroom? Often, dementia is not just forgetting things. It's poor judgment and bizarre behavior too. I'd question if she may be heading into some mental decline. If that is the case, she may need your help. Keep in mind if that is the case, her behavior may get much more severe. That's not easy to live with either.
Of course, perhaps your mom does not have mental decline and she is just not happy with you and your husband living there. If she could pay all her bills without you being there, perhaps, she resents you for some reason and does not want you there.
Have you asked her outright why she is behaving this way and if she wants you and your husband living with her? If she is competent, and she says she wants you out, then I would make arrangements to move out. Explain this to her and maybe you can make a plan so that she can stop being hostile and you can leave on good terms. Of course, she'll need to pay someone to come in and help her with the things you were doing, but that's her money to spend as she likes.
I know I would not like to live there under that stress. I hope you can find a resolution. Good luck.