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both of my parents have dementia. One is bedfast and incontinent. One in the hospital right now, the other one at home, but I am the driver, caretaker, decision maker, cook, cleaner, shopper, handywoman around the house. I feel no guilt, the only thing that really irks me, is that I have a brother and a sister, who feel nothing is wrong, they come here to play in the mountains. Claim they helped mom and dad and then leave stuff on the porch for me to take care of because it needs repair or cleaning. They won't even wash my parents cars. I guess, if they stay in their little world of denial about mom and dad, they won't have the guilt. I praise anyone who has the empathy, sympathy and strength to take on the care of an elderly person. That's why I like this site. Everyone is practically going through the same problems, and other peoples' insight helps you get a better perspective of how things really are. Praise to all "Brothers and Sisters" in arms, as we are fighting a battle with a terrible disease.
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Reverse, she sees them only a couple of times a year but talks to them frequently. She tries to help but they want no help. Her mom has "emergencies"- needs pill picked up at pharmacy around the corner, but live-in son too difficult to ask that of, can't arrange for a pharmacy that delivers.

In my book, if your parent claims that they are "independent " then they need to work with their adult kids to make sure it's not suckling the life out of them.
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2- 3 times a year you see them and you need more separation? Look at what you wrote. Everything your mom says is normal , they all are moody, stubborn, want to die at home, drive us insane, test our patience, have personality disorders , not want outside help, and not spend money. This is why we are in a support group here. Do unto others as you would do unto you, thats the golden rule of life. I have friends that fly to see their stubborn parents more often than that. You should see and help them as much as possible, regardless of their demenour. I am sorry that you cannot see that the quilt you feel is from trying to separate and not helping them. How does one want to separate from their aging parent??? Ive had my mom living with me going on 9 years, full care. Its brutal giving up so many things in my life. That part i hate! I have many dam hard working anger days with her, but never guilt. I am not trying to be rude, i have deep empathy for people and no tolerance for the self centered .
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I have the same issue with my special needs adult daughter who has lived with me off and on since she was born. She's 47 now and I'm aging 71 and I have less tolerance and mental and emotional well being to take care of her. Emotionally separating is a big issue for me at this time. Not getting much help from family either. How does one let go and process the separation?
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