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I have spent 3 of the last 5 days at my parents house. It has made me ill to the point I can barely get up. Abnormal? Friday I just had to come over. For what, my Dad hurt his back so they both went into I cant function at all mode? What was so urgent that day? As they sat upon their thrones and barked out orders: Blow the leaves, vaccum (sp?) water my plants, go get the mail, take care of the trash, go pick up lunch (plenty of food in the house, I had just taken them to the store 2 days earlier), send an email for me, wrap this present for me. Truly what was so important I had to drive 50 miles r/t and burn 1/4 tank of gas? None of it! My Mom called and needed me over with desperation in her voice. I am not their Cinderella (with no prince at the end)! How do I tell them that along with my brothers and sisters that act like help (rare to none) from them should be counted as gold? I have never been so physically sick from stress in my life, and yes I have my own on top of my King and Queen parent's demands. I feel like trash when they treat me like a servant! And yes some of the stuff they wanted me to do I said no to. Ok I have vented, any advice?

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Thank you all. I agree with all of your viewpoints. I think when I move in 6 more months I will make it my business to not take any of her errand calls. I mean she literally called me when I was living thousand miles away to call them and tell them she was coming by to pick the money up. I'm sorry, but that's no longer my problem and as I get older I notice I start to tell her more & more exactly how I feel. Even with this I told her "why are you scared to ask for your own money, you need to quit that." She sent me pages of paragraphs texting making excuses and blah blah. I don't think I'm better than my mom but I do think I speak more of my mind and confront people more than she claims she does. I'm very direct 99.9% of the time and I've always lived my life on my terms. I think the issue is she can't handle the fact that unlike some, I don't ask for her permission to do anything in my life simply because I don't have to. Not that I don't respect her. I use to ignore her calls & she results into the victim mode of "no one cares about me." I hate to say it but I wish she would just remarry already.
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notamaid -

It's that "trying to be respectful" thing that gets us every time. You are young, but even for some of us that are (much) older, it is hard to defy our parents, even when they are being completely unreasonable. We want to hold on to our "respectful child" role and change them back into "reasonable parent" mode.

Over time, you'll understand in your bones that it doesn't work that way and you'll let go of the need to maintain a show of "respect" for your parent. None of us wants to get in our parents' faces, telling them in so many words (or no words) that they're being unreasonable, stupid, or mean. Eventually most of us do it though. It's what is needed to set boundaries.

I like to say "you don't get to decide what anyone else should do. you just decide what you will and won't do." The problem is that when your parent is right on top of you, you end up having to justify not doing what you won't do. And that involves conflict, and calling a spade a spade, perhaps at the expense of feeling (and being) disrespectful of your parent. Eventually it will feel normal and okay to you.

You'll get there. In the meantime, you need to move out and make yourself less accessible to her. A lot of this is happening because you're in her house and she thinks you're still her kid and she can send you around to do her business however she sees fit.
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If she's getting these good deals through her work, then why isn't she stopping by their houses on the way home from HER job?

I know it's hard. Like Kimber above, my mother would yell and scream at me (although in her case it's more like crying and shaking, but still with verbal insults like, "You are not right in the head!").

If your mother points out that she put a roof over her head, make sure she knows that you took care of her. (Although if she's like my mother, she will think that's nothing. My mother is going to find out just what my help was worth when she pays agency workers for minimum numbers of hours the next time she becomes incapacitated. It will become quite a scene when I refuse to take care of her and suggest my brothers take turns and come down.)
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Tell your mom calmly and politely that you are no longer willing to drive the extra time and pick up the money. If they are getting such a good deal they should either bring the money or send it to her. (or automatically through on line banking).

What can she do? If it was my mom - she would yell and scream at me, but then go to your room and shut the door or leave for a while. Maintain your politeness, but there is no reason you can't say "No, i am not going to do that".
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@CTTN55 Apparently the money comes out of her account. She then places their money into her account after she's paid for it. They get a really good discount through her job so the bill is in her name. The thing is my grandparents are right at 90. And with my brother the car is in her name. My irritation is that none of this has nothing to do with me. She should go get the $ herself. Just like now. I'm at working and get off at night and she still wants me to drive the extra 30 minutes to pick her money up from them and bring it home. Mind you I already drive 45 mins to work back and forth. That's literally almost 2 hours before I get home now. It's really have gotten on my nerves and I told her today that if you're scared to ask for your money Y. Like, I'm trying to be respectful and find a respectful way of saying it, but I just don't know how. I almost want to just ignore her texts but even then I go home to her and I have to hear it. I move in 6 months and it feels like 1000 months. I just can't. I feel like I'm on the point of snapping and I hope it don't come out wrong.
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notamaid: "She just turned 50 and she pays for my grandparents cable & phone bill, my brother's car loan, and others. Every month when the bill is due, she waits til the end of the freaking month like today to ask me to call them for her money and then go to their houses (all live in different towns) to pick it up."

Why is she apparently collecting the money from them and then paying their bills for them? Why can't they pay their own bills? This is ridiculous. If they don't get the money to her themselves, she doesn't pay the bills (I hope the bills are in their names!). What's happening right now is that you are enabling HER enabling.
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I know this post is old, but I have to vent. I'm so sick of my mom having me run errands for her who is very able to do things on her own. She just turned 50 and she pays for my grandparents cable & phone bill, my brother's car loan, and others. Every month when the bill is due, she waits til the end of the freaking month like today to ask me to call them for her money and then go to their houses (all live in different towns) to pick it up. She doesn't care about my job or school. I feel like she thinks I owe her something, but I don't. And the reason I moved back home with her anyways was not because I was in need, I was doing well on my own thousands miles away, but she got sick so I decided to come home to get her well and make sure she takes her medicine etc. I work a midshift from 9 to almost 8 pm 45 minutes away and she thinks I suppose to drive and extra 30 to pick up her money that she wants to pay their bills. Every time I say to her, you can go get it or I'll tell them to call or text you about it or tell them to bring it by your house, she always comes up with some sorry ass excuse. I hate to sound mean, but that shit irks me. Her response is "i cant deal with that stress of hunting them down for their money." Okay, so I guess I supposed to take up the slack?--No.. I really can't wait until I move and this time I won't come back unless it's a real life dam near death situation. Like its suffocating and annoying. I thought about ignoring her when she asks me to call them for her money and let her do it, but since I do live with her for the remaining months I was going to wait until I move away and then let her know that I'm 27 and I have my own life to live, giving it up to be your maid and servant isn't an option. I just want to find a respectful way to do it. Still I think I should stop her now. I just don't know what to do, but she acts like I have nothing going on but to be her assistant.
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Blindandabused:

Hello all, I know it has been along time since I posted anything on here but I thought I would give everyone an update on my situation. First of all "thank you" to all you responded to my initial posting. It makes me feel happy to know that someone out their understands what I am going through. Now for the news. My father (the main source of my anger and frustration) passed away at the beginning of the summer.

This was not all that unexpected because he was suffering from stage four prostate cancer and it was only a matter of time. But as you can expect this came with its own frustrations. Particularly because my father did not have any prearranged burial instructions or money set aside for a funeral. So in the end he received a private ceremony at the home and a simple cremation. In the end this was for the best as most of his friends are either dead or in the same shape he was in so it is not like there were many to attend a full service.

As for how his death has affected the family most are happy that my father is no longer suffering and that we can start to make plans for the future.
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Blindandabused:

Hello all, I know it has been along time since I posted anything on here but I thought I would give everyone an update on my situation. First of all "thank you" to all you responded to my initial posting. It makes me feel happy to know that someone out their understands what I am going through. Now for the news. My father (the main source of my anger and frustration) passed away at the beginning of the summer.
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I think I did make it for him, talking to myself the whole time and preparing to move back home. I did call the Occupational Therapist and told her she had to work with him making toast, coffee, and microwave oatmeal.
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Did he get his toast? What we go through at times!
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I must be Cinderfella. I am divorced and retired, so Dad asked me to move in and help him. He had a habit of banging his walker into the walls to wake me up and start breakfast. So about 7am, we had eaten, the dishes were done, and I went back to bed. Suddenly I was awakened by Dad yelling for help. I jumped out of bed and ran into the dining room. Dad looked at me and said, "two pieces of toast with apricot jelly please!" It was a defining moment in my caregiver experience.
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Dear thesunflowers,

I can identify with so much of what you are writing about. But I can also see Susan's point of view as well. Its hard when a daughter becomes the default caregiver. And our parents think we owe them. Or we have to take care of them. We are all so different. Have different needs and wants. My worry for Susan and the same thing that happened to me is, is all the resentment and anger that comes from feeling you have been taken for granted. Your time, your money, your efforts, your feeling are not even a consideration anymore. Its a very hard balance to find. And I know its tough on us women to set boundaries and to advocate for ourselves.

But you are right sunflower, I never wanted my dad to die. And it happened too quickly. It is my biggest regret not cherishing my time with my father and being consumed with all my errands instead. I was the one that took it for granted that my dad was strong and we would just carry on. His death is still a terrible shock. Still learning to cope with this new reality.
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treatmenttime, I don't think many people wish their parents would die. They just want their own freedom back. Adult kids could try to put their parent in a home, but that may be a lot harder than saying it. For example, in my situation I have been caring for an autistic father with dementia (now deceased) and a hermit mother. My mother doesn't like to be around people. She likes to live by her own schedule -- waking up when she wants to, staying in her pajamas all day, and watching TV. She will not go into a nursing facility and I legally cannot make her. When I say that I can't stay and she needs to go somewhere, she says that she can make it fine by herself in her house. She says she is going to die in her house. I could walk away. The problem there is she is 90 years old and 75% incompetent -- but not legally incompetent. There is no one to help and she won't let anyone come in. She doesn't like people, so wants to be alone, and wants to stay in her pajamas all day.

These are situations that caregiving children face. If I left there would be no one. I can't grab her by the ankles and drag her down the front steps to stick her in a facility. That would be illegal. I can't get guardianship, because she is not incompetent enough. Besides, being around people would be torture to her. I can't leave, because she is too incompetent for that. So I am here wondering how much longer it will be before I will be free to live my own life again. After 7 years, I'm not even sure that I know what that life is anymore. I'm not sure that I won't be the one to die first.

With the changes in Medicaid that have been proposed, there will probably be a lot more family caregivers in this position in the future. It won't be the parents' autism or mental illness keeping them from living their lives, it will be the inability to afford a place for their parents. We'll have to see how that goes.
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Don't wish for your parents to hurry up and die, that's not nice. As both a care giver and experienced in providing care for the elder in LTC and in-home (and as the middle child and caregiver of my parents), I sympathize with a lot of you. I know that as they get older, they become more demanding and their moods change and it'll affect whoever happens to be in their line of sight. I live with my parents, they're not too old yet, but they've always been very demanding and so I've reluctantly have given in to them. I'm at that age where I should be starting a family, but that life isn't for me (and I'm the only "capable" one out of the rest of my siblings to care for them). I wouldn't hire help because I dont trust strangers in my home, and I'd feel bad for them because my parents are very particular about every little thing. Yeah sure they get on my last nerve sometimes and they insult me or humiliate me in some way, but guess what? I don't let them get away with crap like that. I tell it to them straight and they'll either curse me back or apologize, it's no skin off my nose because I've learned to develop some very deep skin, I have to take it from my patients and my parents are angels compared to them. Give it to them straight, they don't like it? give them options and let them know you're an adult and you have a life. That you'll check up on them from time to time. H*ll, set up cameras in the their house if you need to, in case you don't want to go all the way there to see them. It's not being cruel, it's being firm with your parents. If they have dementia or show signs of it (and after examination a professional can confirm this!) then do your research and place them in a senior home that will attend to their needs. You're not abandoning them, it would be irresponsible of you to try to do things that you haven't studied for or been trained to do. All you can hope for is that they adjust, visit them when you can, but at the beginning don't see them every day or else they'll keep thinking you'll take them home.
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Call them back when Jeopardy or Wheel of fortune is on...
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Blind. I have to admit I couldn't make it through your whole post so I might be missing something, but I think you have to take your parents out of the equation and treat this like any other toxic workplace. You say you would rather flip burgers, then flip burgers!! Work at getting your resume in order, search for jobs and send them out. Network with friends and old employers to give references. You don't have to tell anyone in the family what you are doing, if you find something you can quit without notice, what are they going to do about it? Then you might want to go no contact for a while until you get your boundaries straight. Your therapist can help you with all this, you can do it. Be strong!!
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All I can say is don't ever work for your family especially when you have a mother who likes money and always said that the guy with the biggest wallet.
I'm not the type of girl to pick the guy with the biggest wallet I believe in being real with people and treating them the way you want to be treated not that I'm always perfect.
I'm 42 almost and just recently found out I have severe anxiety from when I was a child and I really don't know much about it because I never really knew I had it didn't even know what it was or how it felt but I carried it around. My therapist told me after all my testing he could tell that I was very truthful the whole time he analyzed me and he could tell by the testing there was a lot of neglect growing u. no wonder I I had such a hard time in school but kudos to me because I'm determined enough I went through cosmetology school and HVAC school and got the licensing required for both fields.
I started heating and air conditioning installing for my parents about 16 years ago and ever since I've been fired, quit, hired I don't know how many times. I have this bitterness towards my mom and I always have but for some reason I guess maybe I'm always looking for her acceptance. One minute I'm a hard worker and she's so proud of me and the next minute I'm just a piece of s*** and she pulled the rug out and I almost lose everything. I'm a single mom and have lost over $2,000 of income about every time. Some of its my own fault for quitting but how much can a person take.
I'm a lead HVAC journeyman installer doing what most men do why is my mom giving me such a hard time? Why is she so willing to just yank everything away from me because she can. This is my mother. I've also gotten in a fist fight with her in my twenties because she thinks she can still smack anybody whenever she feels like it. I wish you would end up in anger management one of these days getting busted for smacking somebody that'll teach her a lesson.
Anger management taught me a lesson cuz boy that I grow up angry deal with that s***. Anger management taught me a lot you guys I suggest signing up for it if you're dealing with a lot of s*** in your family because it really does open your eyes to certain things and it does make you feel better. They show you Ingles you're not used to looking.
I always felt like my mom's slave!!! 42 years old and I feel like I wear a leash and every time I have an opinion that leash is strangling the s*** out of me. Yesterday I quit because I was accused of doing 80 miles an hour down the freeway with her company van. She comes to me with a red face accusing me of this telling me that an officer called because somebody called the police complaining saying I was doing 80 miles an hour. She said the officer had me on camera. She said she asked my brother and my nephew whom I work with and they said yes I was speeding.
For two women in the office who are determined to a twin and outsmart everyone I mean these women are horrible. like they don't have anything better to do. They are very organized and have to admit they will dig up some information in a heartbeat to use against you. It dawned on me that they're asking my brother and my nephew. why would they ask them if an officer called? Just didn't sound right to me and the last time I walked in the door and they came running to me accusing me of reckless driving I had to laugh. Last time my brothers van and my van we're right next to each other in a line and I felt as if somebody was playing games with me out of my peripheral vision. The truck what kind of move up and then fall back, move up and fall back again. It forced me to look over and it was Dave heating & air, our shop is been talking about them for years cuz they were right down the road from us. We've corrected a lot of their scams and half the time nobody has a comp card to even be legal to work. Pretty much the guy called the shop because he doesn't like our company. I got attacked because some other company wanted to play baby games. All I could think of this time as they wanted to be sneakier and see if they could get me to bust myself by making up a stupid story. After they push me to quit I got home and realized, why are they asking the other two guys if I'm speeding because they told me an officer called with video? I then tell myself wouldn't the officer want to talk to me if I was speeding that fast? My mom tells me Jennifer your nephews not in a seatbelt so you have to be careful or you could kill him. But you're the one putting them in the van without the seat belt right????? Do you have the information so I can speak to the officer that called you directly? No its your lucky day we deleted it. Do you have a name so I can hunt him down? We don't have any information for you. So as organized as you two are and I know you both very well you just mysteriously lost all the information you need to fight unemployment against one of your employees something you guys cling on to??? It's all a crock of s***!!!!
I have told my mom many times and I understand its her company but I am her daughter and you think she would give a s***. I have been going in some really ask nasty House I work my fingers bloody for her I have a f***** up shoulder from her I have a f***** up knee but she talked me into signing off on my workmans comp because it legal if you have your children working for you. She puts an accident policy in place instead but really I think I'm getting hosed. So I'm going to get a little bit of money if I go and get surgery on these things? Yeah I probably will get money but is it going to cover all my medical bills plus the Bill I need to take care of for my home to keep my kid in his home.
She went non union but I was a union member so she wrote down all the stuff she was going to offer me to stay with her and quit the union. My family wanted me to keep working for them in my heart I couldn't turn away. I believe families are supposed to be a certain way even though mine is not. Little by little she started taking things away from me that was in our contract for me to stay with her instead of going to the Union. She took my healthcare away which was part of the agreement that she would pay for. She remove 20 hours of vacation. That wasn't the deal. I feel like I would have been better off saying screw you mom I'm going to the Union dumping her. Should I head vacation pay I had retirement I have a safety plan so much more than she offers.
You know what you guys we don't all get the best parents all we can do is try to be better and do better with our kids.
See I know why my mom is the way she is she just gives up having a real heart because hers has been trampled. She thinks money is her band aid. I think it's going to end up pushing her whole entire family away eventually and when she's old she has to wipe ur own ass because we won't be there to help her. I won't I'm about ready to take her grandchild away from her like the therapist said.
Anger management says tit for tat is unacceptable and trying to get even is unacceptable. My therapist told me why not if your son is your tool to make your mom respect you, do it. Really kinda shocked me.
Thing is my son has a really special bond with her she bonds real well with the grandkids if they're boys. Thing is I think she just spoiled the s*** out of them so bad that they think they get everything for free I've had to correct my son on who really he is supposed to listen to. I felt like my mom was even trying to control my own kid. Give him everything he wants so grandma's the angel and moms just a crabby old lady? Now we think grandma's the boss because grandma can control my mom so that must mean she's the boss.
At this point, my trailer that I been trying to save for 7 years is almost paid off. I don't know if my mom burned bridges with her company but we don't even get half the work we use to It's All County work and its the shittiest stuff you can get. Almost like she is just burned everybody away from her because she likes to be yes im so special look at me I have diamonds and I have my company. Lady you only have that company is because your new husband worked with them since I was a little girl working his ass off to support you and your kids. Funny how the company's mysteriously in your name now. I've heard many times he will get his ass thrown out and all he will get is his underwear that's how respectful she is towards the man who never left her side. Yeah he was a drunk at first and didn't show up for our family shit but how long are you going to beat the poor guy up for it he hasn't done it in years. He brought us to this point if it wasn't for him none of us would be working in that company. Point, I respect my stepfather and would protect him way before my own mother.
I could go on forever like I said I've had her leash for 16 years.
I did my math I can go work at Burger King flipping a burger and make what I make from unemployment when I'm not getting hours from her why am I taking this crap I'd rather flip burger then have fiberglass shoved in my face anyway. She sees my face broke out severely you guys I'm not talking little I'm talking fiberglass fibers continually jammed in your face so where you look like a roadmap but I do it to take care of my kid. I told her quit relying on this crap get our own jobs, I don't want this s*** down in my face its not what I started here for. I'm told that is your job you will do it. I did not apply here to being an addict installing bath and I was trained to install furnaces and run duct work and I don't even touch any of it anymore. All my talent and all my training is being wasted because all you care about is putting money in your pocket you don't give a s*** what you're doing to your family.
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Oh, and blindandabused, try to save as much of the $750 as you can each month so you'll have some escape money if you need it. It isn't much, but you can stretch that money a long way. Inexpensive housing and food and maybe a roommate would help a lot. Many people are in the same boat as you. It would be nice if people could live together to make it easier on each other.
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blindandabused, I understand. The thing that makes me the maddest here is my mother's laziness. It isn't just an age thing. She has always been lazy. I don't like to live in squalor, so I try to keep things clean enough. She could help, but she "hurts too bad." However, she doesn't hurt too bad to go on long walks. She just hurts to bad to clean the house. People could advise me to stop cleaning up or to hire someone, but I can't stand not cleaning up and she won't consider a maid. Laziness is the thing that gives me the most contempt for things around here. I know what everyone is saying. I like doing things for people, but I don't like being used as a slave. How do people get so bad as this? It seems they would have just lazily melted away years ago.
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I am a slave to my elderly parents because I am a disabled adult who is expected to take of my father in exchange for room and board. Even thought I am the one who buys all of the food and has to walk it home from the store that is 2 miles from the house. I hate to come home because it is my on version of hell. My father is completely lazy all he does is give me something new to do everyday. He wakes me up at 11 am in the morning after I have gone to be at 3 am. And the only reason I stay up that late is because that is how long it takes me to get don with everything. My sister left home after she graduated college and now live in Atlanta and my mother is in a nursing home. My aunt does not want to be responsible for me because they travel a lot and I would only cramp their lifestyle. Not to mention I am responsible for my mother's estate sow I can't just walk out. Also I have virtually no income only 750 dollars a month not even enough to pay rent. So I am trapped and no one cares enough to help me. I have even contemplated suicide several times just to make the nightmare end. Someone please help me!!
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susan63, what it boils down to, is that you have become their 'enabler' and have helped making them what they are today by catering to their every whim. They need to be re-programed, and unfortunately that's ALSO going to fall to you to do. Sorry.
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Here's what I finally had to do after receiving too many of those "urgent" calls and having to drive 45 miles each way for non-urgent matters. I stopped answering my phone! She left a message, or many, and I chose to ignore them and not call her back when I could tell that these were not emergencies. She fooled me a few times but not any longer.
My Mom has finally figured out that I am not always at home to answer the phone and most of the time, when I do eventually call her back, she doesn't remember calling me!
I just had to decide how many hoops I was willing to jump through and how often. Now, when I go over with groceries every 2 weeks, I try to take care of those other "problems", if I am able to and if they are necessary.
I will say that it took many months for my Mom to stop these constant demanding calls, but it does finally work. In fact, when I call her, I don't even bring up her recent crazy calls and she doesn't either.
Try this. And don't feel guilty. You are under no obligation to grant their every wish. Just tell them that you will hire someone to do the work, at their expense, that you can no longer do. If they don't want to pay a hired worker, then it doesn't get done. Period!
Let us know how it goes. Stay strong.
One more thing, I actually turn off the volume of the answering machine and just check the message light on the phone when I pass by. Then, I can listen to the crazy message when I am prepared for it, rather than being blind-sided by the crazy intrusions.
Hope this helps!
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Set aside a day or two a week, the same day(s) every week to go over and do chores for them. Schedule their appointments on those days and do shopping while out for appts. My MIL used to do that and it burned me up, and we are only 5 houses away!! How's that for an awful DIL?? After years I just got sick of her being able to drive 2 hours to take her other children out for the day or weekend, but she calls Tim and I at 10 pm. in a frantic voice, we get there only to learn she called so we would get her mail at the end of her driveway The only thing she suffered from at that time was imperialism (queeny bee syndrome).
SO...this worked for us: when we got the frantic calls, the first thing we said-every time- was "ok, we will call 911, get dressed and be right down" Do that a couple times and they will be more honest and less dramatic about their calls, and when you stop going over, they will make their lists with more thought for the day(s) you are there. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you really do have control of this situation.
Here is the other side: because she learned that I am an honest, matter of fact, practical thinker who will get "it" done, not just talk about it---when she went into ICU and needed POA it was my husband and I, not the "favorite kids" we thought it would be. She said that she couldn't think of anyone she trusted more than us because we never took any $#%* from her...and from her that's a compliment.
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I've gotten to the point that I wish my parents would hurry up and die. I simply have no time of my own anymore. Even when I try to make it easier by warming food that I cooked earlier, they insist that I cook something. They constantly tell me how to dress, etc. What I really should do is to move away quietly while they're asleep and leave a message that says "I'm moving on in life and want nothing to do with the past--therefore I've decided to cease all contact with you and move away--therefore I will not provide you my new address." I know my conscience would drive me nuts but at least I would have my sanity.
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Stop them now because as they get older it gets worse. That is the sad fact about it...much more worse much more demanding...and for real later they won't be able to do things for themselves anymore. I have been there and done that 1 1/2 years ago..besides the previous 10 years of running errands every sunday with no relief ever...it had to be me running errands could not even hire someone. So yeah I know what it's like to be Cinderella and no prince either. But I tell you sista it gets worse as they age...so back them off of you for the unnecessary stuff they dream up now because before you know it it will become a worse reality later. Sadly with old folks unlike children that grow up and learn they slow down and unlearn...sigh...that's life...get those brothers and sisters used to helping you now. I have heard too many times here on THIS WEBSITE of only one kid getting stuck with all of it. In my case I was an only child so I became the stuckie...get those bros and sis in line and you all take turns. I remember when I started with all this mess...I was about to loose it so I know where you are coming from indeed!
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Thanks all, good advice and some funny too. I guess what gets me the most is the way I am treated when I am there, especially by my Dad. In thinking about it that gets me more than what I actually do for them. My Mom waited on him hand and foot for 60 years and now she can't meet every demand so he wants everyone else to pick up the slack. He has got to get off his throne and quit the madness. I have 3 sisters and 2 brothers and just wish they would talk to them with me, they did once this year. I guess I will have to be the one who bursts their bubbles. What can they do, tell me not to come over and help any more?
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Susan - - Been where you are - can totally relate!! Looking back, here's what I'd have done differently. As soon as Mom or Dad called to whine, I'd start whining first and complain that I'd thrown out my back. I'd tell them how I couldn't stand to sit for more than 20 minutes with out having to move. I'd insist that there's no way I could sit in the car for a 50 mile drive. I'd ask for a loan to hire a lawn guy or housekeeper for a month or two. Then - behind their backs - I'd look for a lawn guy, a house keeper and someone to run errands. Tell Mom and Dad that you've hired these people to help you and that they should do the same. Help a little but if it's more than 20lbs - that pain in your back flares up again. It sound manipulative and it is but it's for YOUR own good and theirs. If they continue to use you, you'll become resentful and want nothing to do with them. Doing something like I've described is a good way to create some boundaries and retain your relationships with them.
Best of luck.
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Susan I came to this site today just to do the same as you vent my frustration. I'm at a sick and tired of it, not going to take it anymore place! I have bent over backwards to be there for my parents. Now that Dad is under mandatory 24/7 care and mom is there because she needs it too, mom is the most un-happiest, negative nelly I've ever allowed myself to be around! She has chosen her place of living but every other day she's complaining about something but says this was the best choice for her. So why then is every freaking conversation filled with criticisim, disgust, pitty and negativity? Lord I pray that I don't become "that" person ever in my life. I am the only and youngest child of 2 that deals with her. I can't walk away, I love my parents but I can't stand living like this either. I feel like she's pushing me away...and on a day like this, I'm ready to run! God bless us all, care givers are special people...I'm not feeling so special right now. This "strong, capable " stuff is for the birds!
So to end this vent, I say put your foot down, don't continue to be so flexible and like naheaton said, do what you do when it's good for you and go to your happy place while doing it. Gotta save yourself!
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Yes, Susan, you have your own fairy tale going here. I just got through venting about a similar thing on a different thread.
Be here with US!! We are real Kings and Queens of the REALM!
We are the strongest, most capable, and they all know it. They treat you like crap because they want you to remain subservient, and to feel like you need to do this to feel good about yourself. HEY GIRL!! We understand. Keep coming here and "Gross, need to Vent". You'll get a new perspective. HUGS
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