My elderly parents are bullies.

It's rather difficult to love parents who abuse you. It's also difficult to love siblings who won't help you in caregiving and who criticize you for complaining about caregiving being a tough job. Not only have I developed a thick skin, but also a rather cold and distant feeling towards my family. I do not feel any emotional burden doing this job. Rather than the emotional toll that caregiving takes on you, for me it is the PHYSICAL toll of caregiving that has impacted me. Anyway, someday this will all be behind me. I have a mom who is "bedridden" and a dad who could do more than he does, but prefers, rather sadistically, to have me do a lot of "fetch and carry" for him. In fact, I do a lot of "fetch and carry" for the both of them. I don't see either one of them living past the age of 90, so in a few years time this will all be behind me. When it comes to caregiving, relatives are seen as being "meddlesome", which is why I have absolutely no use for them whatsoever. I distance myself from them whenever possible. I am glad that I have turned out to be an independent thinking, as well as an independent acting individual. Nite all. :-) Wayne

Look at the one bright spot you have -- they aren't in the same house as you. You are lucky. The behavior you describe is like my Mom's behavior but she's in MY house. If I had your situation, I would put distance between yourself and them and give yourself a break. My mother broadcasts any business I have to anyone who will listen. She snoops in my financial business and tells it all. If I have a health issue, she gets on the phone and I catch her telling my private health issues to others.

Give yourself a break and let them stew. Block their emails. If they need help, let them call your siblings for a change. Let your siblings see how it feels to have them threat them that way. I know this may sound cold but take care of YOURSELF and ignore them for a while.

Much wisdom has been expressed in this discussion. It breaks my heart to know that so many of us have had similar experiences. My mom lives with me, and our relationship is very painful. I am just beginning my journey toward healing. For me it entails acknowledging our issues, working with a counselor, journaling, praying, accepting that she's not going to change, establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries, taking care of myself, enjoying hobbies and other relationships, and so on.

I wish you only the best in your journey.

I often wonder about " the wisdom of elders."
My 5 year old step-grandson has more compassion, intuition, love, nurturing, understanding, and kindness than YOUR parents and MY MOTHER EVER, in her life, COMBINED.
You may print this or download and forward as an email to them.
Mean people SUCK!!!

That's what DELETE MAIL button is for and as has been mentioned, label it as spam or have it otherwise filtered to a different box. You don't need it, they do. It's a toxic environment that only makes them feel better if they know it jerks your strings. Cut the strings.

I would stay out of recommending any faith-based counselors unless this is what you really want. I would just go with a qualified, experienced professional, whether that is a Jewish, Muslim, Hindu or Taoist, whatever. I would prefer to keep "religion" out of it.

Your parents' behavior is outrageous, and they are abusing you. Being in their 80s is no excuse. You need to get away from this abusive relationship just as if you had a husband or boyfriend who is being abusive. This will not change until you yourself draw the line. Block emails or change your email address, stop going to see them, ignore their friends and return any mail marked "refused." This has gone on too long. They are never going to change. It is up to you to change--by protecting yourself. Golden Boy bro can take charge, ha. If you do not think you can protect yourself from them, please, please, please see a therapist. You do not want your children to be exposed to this or to see you being abused without defending yourself, or they will grow up to accept abuse themselves. Love and prayers!

I have to disagree with the notion that it is not likely that you will be able to stop wanting and needing what they won't give. I have been able to stop on both counts. However, it is very difficult to do it without any professional counseling at all and I always recommend a Christian counselor. But both elements have to be there - good as well as Christian, because some 'faith-based' counseling can get off on the wrong tangent (ie, telling wives to submit to abusive husbands, telling abused offspring to 'honor their parents' in a way that is not as it was intended to be). I think when you have been raised in what such NPD parents like to call a "Christian home" then naturally the rhetoric that we have been soaked in all of our lives is that since they are the parents a) they just do obviously love you even if it feels like abuse and b) everything must be your fault. You are not dishonoring your parents if they are not truly loving and also respectful of you. Once again, I am not saying it is easy but you can very surely come to 'right' thinking about this. I know. I have.
One more thing about email. You can block email from ever making it to the 'junk' file. You have to go to the source, which is the actual internet provider. For example I have Roadrunner but I get email through my Apple computer program called "Mail". Same would be true of say Explorer if you have Windows based computer and you also had an internet provider such as Roadrunner. You block it at the actual 'point of entry' rather than the place where you receive your emails. Call your provider and they can help you figure it out. It is important to do this because if it goes into junk mail it will NOT show up to them as 'undeliverable' and also you still will be tempted to read something that will upset you. Send a clear message that they can't mess with you. Repeat in your head, over and over "We teach people how to treat us". Some are less trainable than others!

@madge1 I know email can change meaning to words and the same is true here. I'm not saying the situation is funny. I had a mental picture of two older people trolling out on their computer. Sending spam and the like.

I no way will I ever belittle or take a trivial attitude toward anyone on this support site. If not for the patrons here, I'd have never made it through the last 5 years of my life.

I'm sorry for anyone that saw my post and thought I was laughing at someone else's pain or situation.

Apologies.

Amen Ferris1, you said it well.

I disagree with the comment that these parents "love" you. This is NOT the definition of love. Love doesn't belittle, attack, and make you feel small and awful. Some people should not be parents as I witnessed when I worked for Child Protective Services. Do not deny your feelings. Trust your instinct about them and if they are making you miserable, then don't have them in your life.

I am sorry but I find nothing funny about BeautifulSC's story. She certainly doesn't.

Wow.. This is so true.. You are definately NOT alone!!! Thanks to all who posted I agree with each one and it has helped me to learn more. Thought I was going crazy! My case is a little different as it is my mother in law who is 90, still in great health and mind and makes sure we know it. My husband refuses to tangle with her, doesnt have the patience, (and she knows all she has to do is make him mad & he will leave, therefore she has won her point & the point still goes unsolved) so it is all up to me and she can be quite hurtful sometimes with that sharp tongue of hers, yet I am the one she calls upon for everything. I do not mind but that stubborn my way is the only way sharp tongue can be quite much to handle at times. You have to try and its hard to distance your heart from those hurtful comments and keep your chin up. May need to be a little stern at times and hold your ground some how I have started doing that and if I hold my ground she eventually comes around in a few days. I understand the need for independence etc but lets face it in this day and age you have to watch everything and things are not like they were 50 years ago!! It is a challange but hang in there, pray, talk to others & vent, dont keep it in it will only fester and make you miserable that is the "control" they have. Either dont read the emails or if someone is really giving you a hard time let them read them. You know in your heart you are doing the right thing & doing your best & what is proper. You are doing it out of love & concern. Do NOT let others make you feel bad, do not listen to them or worry about that cold shoulder. Have they offered to help? No.. So you continue to keep your head up high & do what you know needs to be done. Dont need to be nasty with parents but sometimes being a little stern helps. Once You do that they will buck you a few times but they learn they can no longer trample you! I agree with the last reader to let others in let them be aware of what is going on & end it at that, they can draw their own conculsions. This is Very hard especially if you were taught to be respectful to your elders. You do what is right. Don't worry about others. And keep your chin up dont get discouraged. We are all here to talk. Open another email & dont give to them. the other one you can open once a week & print out for others if need be. This way you wont have to see it every time you open mail. Go od luck Dont let your health get down over this.

Cyberbullying seniors? I'm sorry. It's a bit funny.

But I understand hurtful. My advice: Make their email go into a special folder so it's not mixed in with your regular email. If you like, setup an auto response to their emails. Something like: Hi Mom/Dad! Thanks for emailing me today! I love you!!!

You don't need to read every email and take what they say to heart. If they've always been this way... age won't change them. It'll just make it worse. Medication will make even more painful.

I don't agree with people that say to avoid them. They are your parents. Even in their most worst rendition of Mommy Dearest, they love you. For some people, it's hard to be decent to others and your parents may not understand that the advice they give you (the forwards and pointers) are hurtful. They may believe they are being helpful. Don't despair. They may mean well... or not.

You can only control your response to mean intent. Not those that dish it out.

Beautiful SC and Frustrated, in stephanie Donaldson's book there is a story about going to the well. You drink from the well and you get sick. You think, I will take a new shiney cup and drink. You do and you get sick. You drink standing on your head and, you guessed it, you get sick. This is a simple story to illustrate that no matter what you do, how much you read, how much you forgive, or not, the well is poisoned. You can't drink from it, ever.

And as far as siblings go, remember they have been poisoned by the well also. It will be the really strong character who recognizes your pain, validates it and does the right thing. Like my brother, they were raised to believe they were better than you. What a terrible thing to do to one of your children.

My heart aches for you.

I really feel so much empathy for you. Your letter was so sad. We do not always get the parent we deserve and then spend our life hoping to somehow get that love from those who are unable to give it. There are people who thrive on misery. Personality disorders often marry other people with personality disorder, narcissism, borderline, sociopathic. It really helps to educate yourself and then set boundaries and disengage. You can do that - it does not mean that you are a "bad' person.

So why are you putting up with this? Just because you are related to these people does not mean you have to ALLOW yourself to be bullied. If you take a stand and they have nothing more to do with you, you have lost nothing but maybe gain your self-respect and peace of mind. If you stay, you lose too, but which would you rather have? If you keep putting up with it, they'll keep doing it, families are the worst when it comes to bullying. And in the long run, it may even totally destroy you.

It's unlikely you'll be able to change them now. What's also unlikely is that you'll be able to stop wanting and needing what they won't give.
So, make it a tolerable situation. You have to do define what that is and do it. You can't expect them to comply, but you can decide how you're going to react to what they do or don't do.
As for the barrage of political emails intended to needle you...fire back. Obviously, vengeance is an ugly thing and we should all strive to limit our impulses in this area, right? BUT, you deserve an innocent bit of revenge now and then. Go to the sites of some organizations that you know will get them all fired up (you know – the ones that they think are destroying the country) and enter their email address to subscribe them. You didn't ask for their political views to show up in your inbox, so it's only fair!

One more thing. As for the above comment about the Ten Commandments. The first - and most important commandment is to love God above all others. It can be difficult to be loving in a Christian way if you are constantly engaged in so much anger and angst when you are being abused. By ANBODY. I recently read a quote that "forgiveness is in part realizing something is never going to change". You have to let it go, so you can be a loving, caring, God pleasing person. I spent more time upset and mad when I was in contact with my mother and father because no matter how I tried, there was no peace and no pleasing them. In loving and trusting God first, you hand the problem over to him and let it go. Pray for your parents, because in the end we will all have to meet our maker. Their time is getting nearer. In letting go of my mother in particular and in praying for her I cannot feel anything but care for her, sorry for her and to 'give her over'. Just because you are not engaging in something twisted - and at least in my case, that is the only kind of relationship I seem to be able to have with them - doesn't mean you are not loving.

My parents are both terrible too. My mother has always been - pulling no punches - a bitch. She is selfish, she lies, she manipulates, she has no tact, and she focuses on me and what a terrible daughter I am and have always been (I have not been a terrible daughter) so that, with four other siblings, she accomplishes two things at once. First, she doesn't treat them the same way, so she can 'prove' to herself that the problems really IS me ("I don't have this with my other kids") and she has successfully accomplished almost a total shunning of me by most of my family. She has been rude and horrible to my father too, but after much counseling years ago it became clear to me that he is as complicit in this 'game' as she is. The key is that 'these people' always get something out of what they do. My mother gets a lot of attention because everyone is so sick of hearing this crap they will do ANYTHING to make it stop with her. My dad is the child of an alcoholic parent and one who loved her spouse so he learned the drill of denial that things really aren't THAT bad and that you don't wash dirty laundry in public or you are disloyal. The difference is that my grandfather was a loving husband with a substance abuse issue and my mother is meaner than a snake. So my father, who has washed his hands of her behavior, also looks like a 'saint' that stays married to and adores this crazy woman. As they have gotten older, and I have heard her beat up on him repeatedly, they have both become nuts. When she has flat out abused me, which she has done all my life, and I go to my father to appeal to him to just help me rein her in (he is the only one who could) he will just say, when I tell him what she's done, that "I don't believe that". "She wouldn't do that". Etc. A few years ago he asked me why I was 'putting up with her more' or something like that and I said "I do it for you, Dad". He was FINE with that! He is more than happy to let me take the smack to the head. A specific thing happened over a year ago that made me call it quits with her. I have not been in contact with her since. My dad called me and wanted me to apologize to her for something that was NOT my fault 'or else'. I refused. He only wanted that so HE could have peace. He has never 'protected' me in my life. I have been told by other siblings that I am written out of the will - 3 TIMES. They all seem to be groveling for the big future 'paycheck'. And all of our lives they have told me they never wanted to be treated the way she treats me. They are wealthy. For me to 'suck up' to this abusive, nasty, crazy person(s) would be tantamount to prostitution in my book. I can't do it. I am done. I have blocked emails. I return the mean mailed items she sends. I think we may be done with this pursuit of hers to get my goat. Who knows if I will ever hear from her again. I hope not.
I do not hate them but I am too mentally healthy to allow ANYONE to be abusive to me. My advice would be to get on with life. I have reached the point where I consider myself an orphan. I forgive them but I am done with this stuff.

Sorry that post came up twice......computer glitch.

Thank you all so much for caring. I am in tears reading the comments. Lord knows I have tried to be the good daughter, but what I give is never enough. I have blocked the emails they send and they are in the spam folder; however, I still check to make sure nothing legitimate goes there.

Yes, I have a very dysfunctional family. When you ask where the other siblings are. Well, one is an aging and long-time drug abuser in another state. One died of cancer, one stays away but calls once every six months, one stopped speaking to them ten years ago, and the "baby" of the family has POA, pays their bills, keeps their computer current, and is their gardener. He is 15 years younger than the rest of us. He lives three-hours away with a young family.

I never thought of my parents as Narcissitic, but it all makes sense to me now. My ex-husband was also Narcissitic. I did not know this term until I started to research the reasons for my ex's behavior. So, apparently, I followed a pattern of abuse. I also looked up the term "Gaslighting" as Madge1 suggested. Wow.....so empowering to give a name to what I have been experiencing my entire life. No longer will I let my parents have power and control over me. Done!

My father cheated on my mother throughout their marriage and she is a bitter old woman. She spent her time following him around, complaining to girlfriends and family, and wallowing in self-pity. He told her to hit the road if she didn't like it. But she never left him because she had a very good life. So, we were neglected by both of them. They had so many problems. Anyway, I will read the book as suggested, distance myself, and love my children and my life. Thank you all so much for your insight and your suggestions. I feel so much better and will enjoy this beautiful spring day. (((Hugs)))

Thank you all so much for caring. I am in tears reading the comments. Lord knows I have tried to be the good daughter, but what I give is never enough. I have blocked the emails they send and they are in the spam folder; however, I still check to make sure nothing legitimate goes there.

Yes, I have a very dysfunctional family. When you ask where the other siblings are. Well, one is an aging and long-time drug abuser in another state. One died of cancer, one stays away but calls once every six months, one stopped speaking to them ten years ago, and the "baby" of the family has POA, pays their bills, keeps their computer current, and is their gardener. He is 15 years younger than the rest of us. He lives three-hours away with a young family.

I never thought of my parents as Narcissitic, but it all makes sense to me now. My ex-husband was also Narcissitic. I did not know this term until I started to research the reasons for my ex's behavior. So, apparently, I followed a pattern of abuse. I also looked up the term "Gaslighting" as Madge1 suggested. Wow.....so empowering to give a name to what I have been experiencing my entire life. No longer will I let my parents have power and control over me. Done!

My father cheated on my mother throughout their marriage and she is a bitter old woman. She spent her time following him around, complaining to girlfriends and family, and wallowing in self-pity. He told her to hit the road if she didn't like it. But she never left him because she had a very good life. So, we were neglected by both of them. They had so many problems. Anyway, I will read the book as suggested, distance myself, and love my children and my life. Thank you all so much for your insight and your suggestions. I feel so much better and will enjoy this beautiful spring day. (((Hugs)))

My SIL forwards all of those stupid emails. There are 5-10, a day. I don't read them. I hit delete. Even when I would reply and say "Nothing in this is true." She wouldn't reply. Even her own daughter told her to stop the forwards. It fell on deaf ears. It is annoying, but I do't read them.

Some people DO not hear the facts they hear what they think and believe, so you can destroy yourself further trying to make them see the facts.

By the way, recognizing and being able to say "My parents are bullies" is really huge. Congratulations. Some people thrash around in that pool refusing to see what's going on forever, but you've already got one foot on dry ground.

Like another wrote, block their emails. Do not take them anywhere, there is public transportation that will transport seniors to doctors' appointment. Tell them you suspect they are talking about you behind your back and all communication will cease until their bullying stops. (A bully can only gain control IF you LET them). Do not ALLOW them in your life because it sounds like they have always been controlling you. You are an adult and simply say, "No more!" I love the Ten Commandments, but God assumed the parents were kind, loving and respectful of their children. Be strong!

Turn this into a major, major growth front: how not to let yourself be bullied when the bullies are your parents, people you don't (didn't) want to walk away from a and whom you want (wanted) validation from. It's very hard, but it can be the most important growth move you ever make.
One thing that helped in my family was to not let my parents' divisiveness work by simply including everyone in the family on every communication. You might prefer this to bouncing emails back, and it might be better: you are exposing a force that is destructive to all. Some narcissists know enough to behave better in public; they're sneaky with manipulation and if they can't get away with that they calm down. There may also be a flareup if they find out -- how dare you etc etc? Your response is, it's important for everyone to be in the loop. Don't think in terms of battling for people's positive opinions, because that is a total swamp and you will get sucked in. Just think in terms of letting people know what's going on. Having all your siblings in the loop is particularly important as your parents age. Also be letting people know what you are doing. What you are building here is a more collaborative future, which you are going to need unless you choose to divorce your entire family. On this forum people are saying, block and detach, and I agree; that's the emotional growth piece. For practical reasons I am ADDING that letting people KNOW "the facts, just the facts" in a totally clean way is one key to doing good stuff going forward.

seven13, thank you so much for describing "triangulation". That's exactly what my mom did to my sister and me. I never realized why she did it until I saw your response. Now I understand. Mom used to do that to the entire family as a matter of fact. She NEVER invited all of us over to her house at the same time. We never had family gatherings at her house, even when she was still able to cook. Now I get it. I also wonder if at family events at my daughter's house she was uncomfortable because she temporarily lost that control that meant so much to her. I see her in a different light.
madge, I will get the book you recommended. Even though my mom passed away, I have a need to try to understand what drove her to make my life a living hell. It scares me that I could have perpetuated her actions on my own children if I had not had the inner strength to rise above Most of it. I was nurtured by my father but not by my mother thank goodness.

I would agree with most of the advice here...it is obvious you love your parents, but they are unable to love you in the way that you need to be loved (the way that EVERY child deserves to be loved). Having recently gone through something similar to this, I agree that you need to block their emails and distance yourself. In your heart, you know that you will always be there for them IF and WHEN they truly need you. Right now, they are trying to manipulate you.

My husband and I broke all contact with his mother several years ago and had a wonderful year of peace. When she was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer, broke a hip, and entered Hospice care, we were by her side until the end. That year of peace gave us the perspective to realize that she loved to the best of her ability...which sure wasn't what my husband deserved or needed, but we could not change her behavior. The only thing you can control is how you react and interact with them. Take control....and please don't worry about the aunts, uncles, neighbors....they don't matter. In the end, they will realize that you love your parents.

Many hugs to you.