Elderly mother wants to continue same activities she did with abusive deceased stepfather.

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My stepfather was an abusive bully to my mother and my family. When he died there was such relief from everyone. The problem is, my mother wants to continue the same activities now with me-shop, takes rides and go out to eat. I hated that man and want nothing do do with anything that reminds me of him. The thought of taking my mother pleasure shopping, taking a drive or going out to eat nauseates me. Unfortuneately, those are the only activities she takes pleasure in and expects me to pickup where he left off. Their life was nothing but codependent misery with each other. I have no intention of repeating her lifestyle, but feel bad when I ignore her suggestions or change the subject. She is living independely, but prefers only to do those activities with me. She knows how I feel, but continually makes these suggestions. This problem has caused me to limit my time with her due to feelings of anger and resentment. She has COPD and has mobility issues, but will not consider purchasing a wheel chair so that I could take her out for activities we would both enjoy. Why would someone want to repeat a pattern of lifestyle that caused so much emotional pain?

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Are you sure that shopping, going for rides, and eating out caused your mother so much emotional pain? Could those have been activities where there was a little relief from pain? I don't know. Just an idea. The lifestyle that caused so much pain was the interaction between them, wasn't it? And you are not and will never interact with your mother the way your step-father and mother interacted, right?

Going out to eat reminds you of your hated step-father? That must put a damper on your social life. Or can you enjoy going out to eat with friends, but just not with your mother? I'm trying to understand this, but I guess it is too far from my experience. But if driving around with your mother nauseates you, then I agree you need different activities to do with her

What kind of activities do you have in mind? Many places have loaner wheelchairs. In fact, even though we owned a wheelchair I'd often leave it home and borrow one at the event, for convenience. The science museum, the local zoo, the conservatory, the history museum ... the list goes on and on. Call or check the website to verify that chairs (or even scooters) are available to borrow or rent. Perhaps if your mother gets to enjoy these outings she will reconsider getting a wheelchair.
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