I put mom back in the nursing home, been almost a month. And already I've had people tell me to either leave her in there permentaly or take her home, and deal with her myself. I had one family member, tell me, " you choose to live with your mother, you choose to care for her. Why can't you take it for a few more years, till she dies?" Realizing no one really wants to help. Mom just wants to go home.

Now that I'm home alone, I'm finally catching up with friends, getting together with college. Looking for a job, there is no way can take care of mom and go to work, go to college, and see friends. I've had people tell me to get home healthcare, that's only for a few hours! What am I going to do, for the other hours that they aren't there. She's in there for physical therapy, but emotionaly, I don't know if I can keep living with mom. She needs and wants attention 24/7 from me. Ya sure, she's doing physical therapy now, becuase she has people at the nursing home, making her do it! When we had home healthcare at home for physical therapy, she didn't do it.

I'm trying to give her space. I need space from her too, I can't even be with her for more then a few hours! Because my damm anxiety spikes up. Don't get me started on being an only child. Had one family friend tell me to get help for mom at home, that she took care of me, that I shoud take care of her. I honestly don't know if I can keep being her caregiver. I'll always be her daughter, but being a caregiver is a choice. Honestly, it's partly on her, she shouldn't have relied on me THIS much, to literally take care of her forever. She should have looked at other relatives, friends, to help out, companies that could have offered help. Then if I did complain, she would throw it in my face that she's leaving everything to me, house, car, all her money. I'm just done, I don't want any of it . Then how she will tell me to go out and have friends, date, have a life, but then wants me with her all the time, me taking her to the doctors, the store, eating out everyday. Now that I'm trying to reach out to family friends, it seems they don't want to hear it. I had to start going to support groups and go on meds for my anxiety and depression. Otherwise, I was going to completely lose it. I'm only now talking to and catching up with friends, because I'm not busy with mom 24.7 I'm at a point were it's almost like I'm choosing between my life and hers. I'm almost 30, she's 80! I've taken care of her since I was 19. One high school friend told me if I take her home I'll be right back at sqaure one, and she might live a long time to where I won't have my own life till I'm 40-50. That's most of my own life gone! I thought I was helping my mom by caring for her, but now a part of me wishes that I didn't because now I'm playing catch up with my life . No one can take care of someone 24/7, go to work, school and have there own life. I'm hitting my breaking point with my mom.

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My mother is a controlling bitch. I wish I would’ve handled things differently. Enjoy your life! Keep your mom in a nursing home. My mother is 87 and I will be 55 and my sister is 62. We don’t have lives at all. My mother feels that she should go everywhere that we go including places with our friends.
Your mother might live much longer than you think. Take care of yourself

Loving biological parents, who know they simply cannot care/provide, give that child to those who CAN.
It is one of the most loving things someone can do.
This is very much like that... except you get to remain in her life & be a great daughter!
This stigma of good kids don't put parents in a facility is destructive, for many reasons.
Don't spend this time trying to convince yourself why you should do what some others think you should.
Its not useful to you; it's certainly not doing a bit of good for your mom.
Research to others about how to find the very best place, and where to turn for financial assistance (if needed).
Use this time WISELY.
Then, BECAUSE you love your mom... allow those people who CAN provide nursing care for her, to do just that.
Should you want it, you will still have a huge role in her care and life. You know what's best in YOUR situation...make it happen as kindly and well researched as possible.
THAT'S your job as her child.

No to care for mom at home til she dies, please. 

Unfortunately, these are times when we learn who our friends, family really are, and not to count on them ~ even just to listen and support you, think of your best interests ~ (remember this as you and they get older, not for revenge, but for self protection).  They won't make time to hear your problems and/or have ideas that benefit you.  You're forced to find and maybe pay others to listen, help and support you, etc. while your life slips by 1 day, 1 year at a time; quickly becoming 15+, 20+ yrs.  Doesn't matter if we start caregiving for someone at 19, 30, or 60+ years old, we all still have and want a life of our own to enjoy, and you deserve happiness; we all do.

You said mom's in a nursing home.  Evidently, this is where she needs to be, and you've made a good and necessary decision for the health and well being of mom and you (forget the rest; it's not on them).  Your obligation to her care and safety is done.  Other than monitoring, which is stressful but can be done by phone and emails, it's done.  You are not her caregiver or work around to keep her out of the nursing home or agree to relinquish your own life to do so.  Mom gave you life to live, be happy, and independent.

For those who speak to you of what they think you should do and think you should sacrifice yourself, please don't listen to them.  For mom who threatens with what she's leaving/not leaving you, just say that's ok; I'm ok with or without it; I still love you.

If someone's drowning, you have only split seconds to make a choice at that moment they're pulling you down under with them.  Do I keep trying to save them and drown, too?  Or do I save myself?  This is that moment. 

Take care.

A few thoughts. Be very logical about this. If you can’t do full time care, dig in your heels and pushback with any staffer who tries to bully and guilt you into in. Many caregivers find themselves in this position because the emotions ran high and they were bullied. Don’t worry about the effects of pushing back with family. After 25 years of dealing with this, I can say that only two relationships survived and only because someone was able to get them to listen to me. Also these people will be influenced by what your mom tells them about you. It’s lousy but you can’t do anything about it. Please don’t let that affect your decisions. There’s a lot of experience on this forum so please stay in touch. We can help you thru this.

Your mother needs, wants and *deserves* attention 24/7. One person can't do that. You can't do that. Even if you give up relationships, career, friends, self-care, education and interests and do nothing but care for your mother, you STILL can't do that.

That doesn't mean it isn't sad that your mother isn't yet content where she is, but give it time and work with the people managing her new community to help her adjust.

You feel as though you're being forced to choose "her or me." Not so. As long as she is in the Nursing Home, you know that she is safe and that her personal needs are all being met, and every visit you make to her can be just about spending time with her. You're not leaving town, are you? You're not turning your back on her?

This is all about time and resources. There is only one of you. There are only twenty four hours in the day. Your mother's wellbeing needs more than that; and your life is important too.

And that family member who suggests giving it a few more years... Is that person volunteering? No. Thought not. Well, There We Are Then.

Thank you for all the advice and kind words. It's only been 2-3 weeks, but getting close to a month . I realized , no matter who I talk to, staff, friends, family, god, no one is really going to help me . I already had some staff tell me to just take her home and care for her . I had a few that understood my position, that I'm at my breaking point. As with friends, high school friends, they get it, how i put my life on hold to care for mom all these years, college, friends, dating, all of it. Then family friends, don't want to hear it . Because it's not there problem. I honestly hope that I make the right decision, it hurts, because I just wanted to make mom happy, but now, I'm more concerned for her safety . Some tell me to get a care giver for a few hours, then when I come home, I watch her... that's literally what Ive done all this time, but without a caregiver . Starting to realize that until I make a decision, I need to keep it to myself, of what I'm going to do . Honestly this is one of the hardest things I had to do in my life...

You need your space from her. She needs space too. I think it's wise to reflect on your current circumstances and figure out what to do. Create a pro/con list as to why/why not she should live in the nursing home. And whatever you decide from it, stick with it. Everyone will say the traditional answers for this. But this isn't a traditional or normal problem which can easily be sorted out, worked on a bit, then let go of after sometime. No. This is a long-term problem, which will change and require different responses from you. And since you are her main family support, you gotta take adequate breaks while with her or you won't be able to care for her if you cannot care for yourself.
But you do have a right to your own life, and it's up to you as to how you want to live it. No one has the right to say what you can/cannot do, no matter how convincing they sound. You are your own soul, and you'll come up with solutions unique to you

The wisest course is for her to live in a facility, permanently. Not in and out - that really confuses things.  Your life matters and why should you not have a life - your mom lived hers, right? Basic fairness.  And raising a child and caring for a declining parent are NOT EQUAL.  A healthy child grows more independent daily - an elder declines. And the physical aspect?  How heavy is a baby compared to the average adult? Consider that if you try to care for her til she dies, you may well die first.  As for friends and family - they will tell you to keep soldiering on because that lets them off the hook! And if you are not doing the work, why should you get a vote?

Shad, what are you talking about?

Adult Day Care. She has something to do and socialize with those her own age or close to it.

I sympathize with you. And I would first like to say that the people who tell you that you owe it to your mother to take care of her because she took care of you, are insensitive and guess what? Most have never had to take care of an aging parent. Just like those who tell you to suck it up and change your parents diaper because it’s no different than changing a baby’s diaper, have never had kids themselves. Pay those people no mind.

You are way too going to be in this situation. You need to think about your own financial well being and your future. I’m almost 40 and they never told us in school that in order to get social security, you have to work a minimum of 10 years. They didn’t tell us medicare isn’t free. They didn’t tell us that the more you work, the more SS you will receive. The older you get, the hard it is to go back to school. It can be done but it’s harder. The older you get, the harder it is to find good employment, especially if you’ve got long periods of unemployment because you were taking care of an elderly family member. A lot of employers aren’t sympathetic. Not even to those of us who took years off to raise our children. Sad but true.

Please listen to your friend. She is right. If your mom comes up, your life will be on hold until she dies. Make an appointment with the social worker or discharge planner at your moms rehab ASAP and plead with them to help you find long term care for her.

as far as your relatives.....the next time they tell you to bring her home and take care of her, throw the ball in their court and ask them they will be picking her up & moving her in with them.


As an only child I can relate to your situation. And you are way too young to be a full-time caregiver. My personal belief is that getting full-time caregiving in your home should only be by advanced agreement of both parties (including who pays for what) and not from guilt and family pressure, "tradition", obligation or utterly unrealistic romanticized notions of "aging gracefully" in place. As far as the "she raised you" bully've cared for her for 11 years so only 7 more to go and then your indentured servanthood is over! ;-)

Your relatives obviously don't want to help so stop listening to them. If they continue to pressure you, politely say to them, "Then she can move in with YOU" and you will see them shut right up.

Having her in a care community doesn't mean you don't love her. Not sure how long she's been there but it will take time for her to adjust. Hopefully she's in a reputable place close to you so you can keep watch out for her best interests and be her advocate and visit her often. In terms of her "leaving everything" to you this might not happen due to the cost of care. If she really cares about this you should both see an attorney who specializes in estate planning and elder law. This way she can protect her assets and make good on her promise of inheritance. But inheritance should not be the driving force that decides her care here and now.

The only other option is for her to pay for in-home care. There are many good services out there, like Visiting Angels, whose people are not only caregivers but also companions. Your mom may like their company and these helpers can also drive them places, make meals, etc. This would take a lot of pressure off you. This is the only realistic compromise I can think of.

It's not your fault or problem that your parents had you so late in life (or adopted you) and I'm not judging this but all choices have consequences and caring for an aging parent when too young is just one of them. Wishing you clarity and confidence in your decisions!

I fear very much that you are listening to other people, when you should be listening to your wise and giving heart and soul. You have recognized your limitations and are ready to accept your limitations. That is a good thing. Too many want to believe they can be Saints, can fulfill the expectations of their elders, and of all out there with an opinion. You know better. And you are right.
We often want to think that there must be some good "fix" to things. There was a wonderful article posted here yesterday that said that our endless search for solutions leaves us "chasing our tails", and it is so true. One small quote:
"The truth is that we aren't really fixing anything with all this effort. If we do put something right, it usually doesn't stay that way for long. It's only a matter of time before we get frustrated and exhausted. Who wouldn't lose steam after repeatedly throwing themselves at a problem and seeing few or no results? This is when burnout strikes. When you invest so much of yourself in something that truly has no solution, you very quickly lose contrl of your own life." I copied this article and I am keeping it right near to my side. Please access and read it on this forum. I am hoping you will BELIEVE your better angels, and listen to your soul. Others will have an opinion, always. I learned this when 31 years ago I got a little dose of breast cancer. EVERYONE knew exactly what I should do about it, save for me and my MD.
You have had enough. Be kind to yourself now. It is time.

People will talk and second guess you. I've found that the most vocal people are the ones who did the least caregiving. Stop trying to explain or educate - they won't listen. Find a sentence or two that conveys that she's well cared for and you're not going to discuss this with them. Block texts, ignore calls - whatever you need to do to protect yourself. Refuse to engage with them. A really good sentence is "it's not possible for me to do that".

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