He has early stages of dementia; who still drives his car.

I am his caregiver, and he will not take any of his prescribed medication.
He has many people tricked into thinking he is able and skilled and proficient,
when in truth he is incapable of handling his basic retirement savings
from month to month.

I handle all of the bills and he berates me, because he cannot have all of his money.
Because he does not understand a monthly budget, I am just stuck here, talking and listening to his ego, demand and want all the money, with his demanding maniacal character.

Somedays, he states, he wants me out of his house, which he only rents.
Rent that is only paid for because I am here to make sure the money is in his account.

He overspends every month, on purpose, to cause aggravation and violence.

Because he is physically stronger than me, and I have no where to go,
as he is my current occupation, I can barely pay myself any money,
because I am afraid of his reaction.

I thought put up with his aggression, but as it worsens, I really want him to take his medication. As I do not have enough money to move away.

As a state case, they will just rob every penny of his savings,
paying for this case worker and that nurse, etc. , leaving nothing to his children.

I have even thought about slipping the drugs into his food, to calm him down.
but the reaction, if he found out, could me at physical risk.

Don't really need replies, as the only thing I can do, is hope he listens to his doctors orders one day. While I try to not be effected by his outbursts and cruel verbal assaults.

As intolerable as the disease of dementia is, having the utmost patience with any of the dementia elderly is compulsory.

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing
Don't kid yourself about his driving. Getting lost is not the worst that could happen. He could momentarily forget which is the brake. He forgets to take the key out of the ignition and locks himself out, doesn't he? Forgetfulness can be fatal while driving. He could get distracted by something happening on the sidewalk. And he could kill a passer-by, or himself. His doctor should be the one to tell him he needs to take a driving assessment. The doctor should notify the DMV, but if doc won't you can.

Veemavo, I'm glad you have something to distract you from your dad!

Does your dad dislike the taste or side effects of the medication, or does he think he's being "controlled" and objects on those grounds? Or is there another reason?

As far as driving goes, it's probably wise to let his doctor know you are concerned. The doctor should have a driving evaluation he or she can administer next time and does not need to tell your dad you called to request it.

One thing that has been standing out on this forum lately is that no matter where a family lies on the well-functioning to dysfunctional spectrum, caregiving seems to dredge up any unresolved issues. When you think about your dad before this, was he just stubborn and maybe a little difficult at times, or was it more than just that? Sometimes kids are so used to their parent's temperament that they don't see it when things veer into the territory of emotional abuse. If that was the case for you and your dad, it might take some emotional work on your part to figure out how to proceed in a way where your well-being is as big a priority as his.

You have a roof over your head, and that is important. But you need to be safe now and in the longer term. You and your dad might have more options than you think; as you try to work things out there will probably be people here who've already been through something similar; hopefully it will be a help. I hope things improve quickly for you and your dad.

Oddly driving is less the problem than other car owner issues; such as leaving the lights on, losing the car keys, or locking himself out of the car, inability to comprehend bills in order to pay for ins. & registration, which are more common occurrences.

About him taking his prescription, (of only 1 pill a day), that has to be up to him,
even when he acts like a brute.
I believe if he is under state care, then he can be forced to take his medication, (by orderlies),
but not before.

All any home caregiver, (family or otherwise),  can do when they act violent,
is wait for them to calm down.

These angry dementia people, including my dad, are really stubborn people. He has been stubborn all his life, lately it's more so. They don't want to accept their age, etc, etc.

One of the worst things with dementia people, is hearing the exact same sentences,
being repeated, again and again. Harping on an issue, sometimes its an issue that is from their whole life, repeated again and again.

Maybe a missing link to stop dementia from occurring;
is to be less angry & stubborn when you are a younger person.

To lindylu: Yes, luckily I like to garden.

No I don't think I can ever take his driving privileges away, that's between him and the police (dmv). As long as he is coherant enough to know a few directions here or there, he gets to drive. Driving in new surroundings are his most difficult, and that's when he gets easily lost. Driving reaction time is not failing with early onset dementia, more than likely eyesight will fail before reaction time.

I really feel for you as I am sure everyone on this site does. One bad thing about being a caregiver is it changes you. Most of us do not like being mean but doing the right thing sometimes makes you a very mean person. You have to take control to get him off the road. Disable the car, take away his key - whatever. If he hits you, call the police and file charges (it will get worse as he advances into the later stages of dementia). He is a danger to himself and others. Think how you would feel if he killed or disabled a child or anyone for that matter. Make sure you have the legal right and if you just can't do it, then give the State the POA. You will have to find another job, but a job isn't worth someone's life.

I understand that you don't want any replies, but, if your dad is driving with dementia and is dangerous, the public safety need creates an obligation to respond, imo. I'd seek advice from an attorney and consider alerting his doctor or whoever else that might get him off the roads, if he is a danger. An attorney might also provide information on how to address some of the other issues that you describe.

What you are describing is a conundrum that so many people on here have experienced. That stage is so hard where they are obviously in need of a lot of help, but are with it enough to be stubborn and to put on a show for outsiders.

Have you been able to talk to his doctor at all about your dad refusing to take his medications? Does he need everything he's taking, or is it possible to narrow down the prescriptions? If there were just a couple he needed, it might be easier to sneak into a bowl of ice cream or something.

Do you ever get a break from him?

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter