Hi everyone. I amso glad to have found this group as I am struggling. I’m not a caregiver but an elder out of state daughter. My dad is 92 years old and I have a great relationship with him. My mom is 86 and we have never had a close relationship. I feed into her guilt, tone, etc. because that is all I have known since a child. So, my mom does not have a good bedside manner when it comes to anyone, especially my dad. Hes been having some shortness of breath and his cardiologist said it is not heart related but likely inactivity. My dad isn’t bed bound but at 92, his activity is light. In the house but does go for rides on his scooter, will go to weekly bingo. My mom called me three times this week basically talking AT me saying I shouldn’t worry about my dad, it’s up to him and o should talk to him and what I can and not say. Apparently I am not allowed to tell him to rest. OMG. She won’t consider any other reason for his shortness of breath with exertion. It’s like she wants him tosprint around the house. If you push him, im afraid it would be too much. He knows what his limitations are. He has an appointment with a lung doctor in January and I feel like she doesn’t even want to deal with that. I have so much resentment I can’t even talk to her. I’m having so much anxiety and I don’t know how to deal with it so here I am. A daddy’s girl and a mother who is just controlling and mean. I feel so bad for my dad having to deal with a cold wife.
Also, why tell him to rest when he already is most of the time? Encourage him to join Silver Sneakers for an exercise level that may be possible for him. Does he have friends who could pick him up in their car and they both go for leisurely walks away from Bad Momma? My dad at 92 was walking in his neighborhood, about a 4 block circuit, more than once a day.
If he doesn't participate with you in discussions about this and doesn't go for your ideas, not much you can do. Accept it and let most of Bad Momma's calls go to voicemail. You're really not responsible for their health anyway. I'm sorry.
The other side of that coin is that our fathers chose to stay with them. That's the truth.
Tell mother you'll speak to dad any time you'd like and you'll give him your honest opinion, too. If she doesn't like it, oh well. Tell dad to call YOU when she is out of earshot, on the toilet or in the shower. And go pay him a visit asap, that's my suggestion. But don't expect him to change his ways any time soon. They've learned to avoid their wife's wrath at all costs. When I'd get aggravated at my mother, dad would take HER side and get pissed at ME! That's when I learned to let them fight their own battles and stay out of the way. Remember, dad has a doctor he can speak to for advice.
Best of luck to you.