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comes she can no longer care for herself. She doesn't like people, not close to her children or anyone, but insists on going to a nursing home because she doesn't want to live with either her daughter or son. I am retired and could be great company for her. I want to see her happy, she never is, but I really don't know what nursing homes are like. Neither does she.I can't get her to check out any assisted living facilities or nursing homes to see if she really wants to be there. So I figure she will hate it, but hope she won't. I would love to hear some comments from all of you who have dealt with nursing homes. The pros and cons. Thanks

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Hey madge1 - my mother wanted to go to assisted living because she didn't want to be a burden on us daughters. It takes going visit places and trying to keep them straight (your mother as well as yourself). The best way is to 'pop' in unexpected to see how they handle you, what staff is like, especially on weekends when staff is typically lower. We saw about 6 or so and narrowed it down based on proximity, 'feeling', cost, and what Mom liked. Of course at the time she kept saying she felt 'rushed' but then again she has lost the concept of time. She was at the first assisted living for a year, and it was nice, clean. Staff was great. They had activities but she's rather content being a loner, and there are places for her to read. Then she decided to move to the new assisted living which is much closer to my sister (POA) and they actually have grounds/sidewalks she can walk on. It's homey, she seems to like this one better even though she's not much of a joiner.
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Happiness is a choice.
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I think the key is " I want to see her happy, she never is." Someone who is never happy will certainly find enough things to complain about in a nursing home (or in assisted living, or in your home, or in being left on her own ...). She has decided where she wants to be unhappy. Let her decision stand.
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naheaton, you tell the truth. I dodged a HUGH bullet and know it. She gave my brother all POAs, put him on her bank accounts, executor of her will. left me out, after all I had the nerve to move to another state, how dare me. And I think I dodged ANOTHER bullet here as well. Painted herself in a corner. Hope I am wrong about the nursing home and she just loves it. However, we can't even get her to go out to dinner with us unless we go to ONLY her favorite buffet 20 miles away. So much for adjusting.
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Madge you're gonna be doomed no matter what choice you make I'm afraid. She doesn't want to live with or doesn't LIKE her family so you two living together isn't gonna work. She's anti-social with no friends to speak of, so asst living is something she will hate I'm sure, as with adult foster care too. So like mom already said, the nursing home is the only logical option. Depending on how mobile and alert she is when she moves in, will depend on how miserable she will be living there. She sounds like a negative person in general so don't expect her outlook on life to improve wherever she moves. Sorry, but I think you've dodged a HUGE bullet when she decided she didn't want to live with you.
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I have never had anyone in a nursing home for long term care so I can't be to verbal, but I think the main thing is to check them out as well as you can. Get opinions from people that have already been through it locally. Ask around and get feedback from anyone you know that has had to be in a nursing home and then be very visible once mom is there. Keep notes about everything.
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