Help! My mother refuses to move into assisted living home.

Ohmena, stop expecting your mom to be rational and reasonable, it is not going to happen. She is thinking only of her own comfort zone and whatever is least frightening to her. Whether you decide to respect her wishes and let something bad happen to her while alone at home, or get a guardianship if she is impaired enough so you can insist on something safer, realize that you are trying your best and you need to be allowed to set limits on what you can do. She is busy fantasizing that she is not imposing on you, and that you can easily do everything she needs done because it is too painful to realize she is and you can't; and even more painful to realize that she is losing her ability to live safely and independently. She is living in these fantasies because her judgement is not or is no longer sound. You can't abide by her wishes, not because you are a bad daughter, but because her wishes are not compatible with reality.

This is hard stuff. But the answer is not to beg mom for permission to take care of yourself - she's not going to grasp the need. And to NOT take care of yourself unless she gives it could be extremely harmful to you. You are the one who can think straight now - she needs you more for that than for running errands or doing care that others could do, you do not need to lose your health and sanity, and after all, whether she realizes it or not, she does not need to lose you.

You have all my sympathy. I went through this with my mother who is now 91 and in assisted living. All that you say was true of my mother. Finally she got sick, was hospitalized and had to go to the nursing home for rehab. I refused to take her home and got her a room in assisted living. She hated me so much and was so vicious i didnt see her without a second person. Now, 7 months later she is pretty settled and nice to me. I am surprised AL wont work with you. Sometimes people insist their parent stay for a short periodvas a respite while they travel and then get the person to stay

You have all my sympathy. I went through this with my mother who is now 91 and in assisted living. All that you say was true of my mother. Finally she got sick, was hospitalized and had to go to the nursing home for rehab. I refused to take her home and got her a room in assisted living. She hated me so much and was so vicious i didnt see her without a second person. Now, 7 months later she is pretty settled and nice to me. I am surprised AL wont work with you. Sometimes people insist their parent stay for a short periodvas a respite while they travel and then get the person to stay

I am trying to plan my own retirement but, my own mother is fighting me on every decision about her care. Seems I am at the ER every month because she has fallen or has a seizure. I travel and I am at my wits end. My health has deteriorated and I have begged my mother to go to assisted living. She doesn't shower, eat well and now is not taking her meds correctly. She gets confused and doesn't know what day it is sometimes. She is getting forgetful and also is having trouble finding the remembering words. And she cannot hear and refuses to get hearing aides. I have caregivers coming in to assist but she will not let them do anything and sometimes will not even let them in the door. The last straw was when she had an episode and when she came out of her stupor in the ER, she had a fit that they wanted her to stay overnight for observation. She was verbally abusive to the hospital staff, the doctor and myself. After this hospital stay, I told her that she was going to assisted living. She said that she was not and she was staying where she is until she dies. Now, I have health issues over stressing over her. It seems like all I do is take care of her on my days off. I begged her to think about me, that my health is not good. I asked her to think about me and what I am going through. She is always saying how she does not want to put me out yet, her actions show the opposite.
The places that I have researched and would like to see her in now tell me that if she is not agreeable they will not accept her.
Very frustrated and at my wits end.

@Pandoralou I'm sorry to hear of your mom's passing. I'm glad your were able to spend the extra time with her and she never forgot who you were.
It's been 4 years since I posted on here. My mom is now in memory care at assisted living, just this year. It took her falling and breaking her hip and having to go into rehab to get her there. I was able to get guardianship to move her from rehab to AL. It was a big adjustment and she still wants to go home, but at least I know she's safe and I won't find her on the floor delirious like I did after her fall.

wilsonbill

I understand what you're saying as well. The 84 year old spiritual lady I spoke with before my mom passed, said she definitely told her children she did not want to spend the rest of her life in a NH. Ironically,she has worked in one.

Zytrhr: I understand what you are saying but understand what I'm saying: Rational and sane living is living in a clean home, a safe home, a home with proper food, and access to proper medical care. As the supoort mechanism for an elderly person it is "your" moral obligation to force an issue if you must. Just like raising a child the elderly beed guidance as their ability to reason is not the same as it was...Sure they may become angry or frustrated but what is the alternative?

GreekGal, it's not primarily to make you miserable, it is to stave off her fear of losing her independence. She is going to lose it, though. Do you think you or your daughter can get healthcare and financial papers "just in case" so when something does happen and she ends up being unable to return home alone, someone can be in charge? Keep track of any bad conditions in the home or other evidence of her inability to manage or judge, in case you end up needing guardianship. Maybe a comprehsnive geriatric eval to "help her stay independent: would suit her and they can give you more objective assessment about how safe she is or what might help, or at least put your mind at ease that you have done what you can.

I also have been taking care of my 89 year old mother with some dementia for seven years. She has gotten very difficult to live with and I've suggested Assisted Living. She yells at me and says that the only way she is leaving her home is in a "body bag"!!! She refuses any offer of home care, saying she can take care of herself when I travel once a year to visit friends for a few days. This has worked out fine since this past year when she fell while I was away. Luckily my daughter lives close by and checked in on her and rushed her to the emergency room for a laceration on her head. She has a Life Alert, but refuses to wear it. I believe she is just being difficult to make my life miserable. I hear her talking to herself sometimes and she is saying awful things about me. How can I live my life(I'm 64) and contend with her insults?

zytrhr, elders remember nursing homes back in the early and mid 1900's as asylums because that was all that was available for someone who was "senile". Thus, the reason why so many very elderly people today would fight tooth and nail not to be placed in a nursing home.

I remember bringing to my parent's home a brochure for a a retirement community, and my Mom refused to even look at it. She was in denial of her age, and Dad said maybe they will move in a couple of years. COUPLE OF YEARS??? They were already in their mid-to-late 90's.

Once my Mom passed, Dad was ready two weeks later to move from their house and into something safer as he became afraid of all the stairs. He really loved the senior living facility, it was built like a hotel with a fancy restaurant style dining room. He had a lovely apartment with a full size kitchen, large living room, a bedroom and a den, and lots of sunshine. He said he should have moved there years ago, but he knew my Mom would refuse to move :(

My mom died in May at the age of 94.5. She was pretty happy & physically healthy up to the end. I was blessed to be able to bring her to FL to spend the last 30 mos. of her life near me. It was a struggle at first, when she was losing her memory. It had to be terrible for her. I grew very close to her & she knew me, always. I miss her a lot & I hope she is at peace with my dad & my 2 sisters & 1 brother who have also passed.

Its a tough decision and hard to tell if an older senior would really choose death over AL or NH. Since their thinking is not what it used to be, they believe they can still care for themselves. I guess that is why their children have to guess what they would want and make the choice for them to move them to AL and NH. We did, with some level of "guilt" but having no choice.
How to know if a parent (if US legalized euthanasia) was in their right mind to make that choice? Probably why it is still illegal............
My mother was in IL for 8 years, completely independent, and yet constantly complained about that place, stating she wanted her own apartment (which she DID have where she was, but also had amenities when she chose to use them) or worse yet she wanted a house! She was 99 at the time, still believed she could take care of it - even though she hadn't lifted a finger to wipe up a spill, clean or do her own laundry. She adamantly stated over and over she would kill herself if she had to go to a NH (which she eventually ended up in because of a fall due to not eating or drinking)
But, despite her claims - she would never have asked for death. She went down fighting every step of the way up until the last two days of her life.
I can understand a person choosing death if they had been in serious pain or very very sick for a long period. Everyone has their limits and trials.

wilsonbill

What is best for their children, could be assisted suicide as well? Sane or not, many older people don't want to live or die in some NH,AL.

Elderly people whom become unable to care for their own life should accept what is best or their children should know it is time to seek legal control....for those who think me harse keep in mind the POOR living conditions you are ALLOWING. What is worse, their current ill thinking of you OR poor eating, dirty conditions, or driving a 5k pound car which could kill an innocent? Keep in mind you are not speaking with (hopefully) rational adult you knew. That person is gone...be strong and focus on what is the most correct thing.

You have my sympathy. My 91 year old mother was just the same. Living in her big house alone refusing most outside help but expected me to jump. I reduced my load gradually. I fought to get a cleaning woman every two weeks. When she fell three years ago breaking her hip, she went to a nurding home for rehab....thid is how many people finally get a parent out of the house. My mother insisted on going home. I insisted she had to have home care. We started with 4 hourd a day but she weasled it back to 1 hour. She started falling more. 3 more hospital stays followed by nursing home rehabilitation. The last time i refused to take her home. I said she could choose to stay at the nursing home or chose an assisted living. For a while she hated me. She was so nasty to me i would never see jer alone. Gradually she is adjusting. We even had a pleasant visit today. You might have to wait for a crisis but do your research now. Brave the storm. I retired early and wrecked my health so my mother could live in her fantasy world of "independence " if i knew then....

Your parents desire for independence costs you your independence. It's very selfish and thoughtless.

akhlpn92 - I think it's important to know that Alzheimer's is dementia - in fact it is the most common form, with studies varying slightly but estimating 50 - 70% to 60 - 80% of all dementia being diagnoised as Alzheimer's. A distant second is vascular dementia which is estimated to be 20 - 30% of dementia cases. Other studies sight "mixed dementia" - a combination of ALZ and vascular dementia or ALZ and Lewy Bodies Dementia to account for 80% of all dementias. Regardless, it's all hard for both the effected individual and their loved ones.

It sounds typical of confusion that someone with vascular dementia might have rather than Alz to me, but the thing to do is get a comprehensive geriatric evaluation. You may be advised she should not live alone, be prepared with alternative options and ask for social work consultation if that happens. What do you think of her living alone? Have other dangerous things besides falls started to happen, such as things left on that could start fires, etc.?

How can you tell when your 87 year-old mother has dementia and when she has Alzheimer's. My Mom also lives alone and has fallen many times. Recently, she told me she was up for an award because she helped our returning soldiers. I looked it up and it just wasn't there.

It sounds like your mother needs assisted living now. Independent living facilities require the person to be continent and self caring. They don't provide "biological cleanups" which your mother needs but you might be able to get away with that if you have a caregiver who comes in to look after her (however that would defeat the upside of IL costing less than AL)
Your mother has dementia, so getting her to agree to AL is not going to happen, ever. You cannot reason with someone with dementia. (Went through the same with my mother.)
Fortunately you have legal guardianship so you will have to make it happen, as unpleasant as it will be.
What worked with our mother was my sister took her home for two days while we cleaned out her apartment and moved her things to AL. The doctor gave us tranquilizers so we could have her calm when we told her. We then put her in the car and drove her directly to AL. The professionals took over there and helped her settle in. We hated to do it that way, but sometimes children have no choice when parents are not capable of making decisions for themselves and living alone becomes dangerous. Good luck.

I cannot move closer without jeopardizing my retirement and/or taking a paycut of well over 75%.

Also I note I live out of state. Several states away.

And to all those people who suggest keeping them at home, here are some cost differentials in doing so: cost of in home care by the cheapest nursing assistants per year in Florida: $297,000 per year. Cost of an assisted living facility in Florida: $72,000 per year.

I cannot put her up in my home as i live in a one bedroom apartment, and for that I pay a very rich price for. I have looked for cheaper and bigger and there is none to be had within an hour's commmute of my office. earlier, I commuted well over an hour each way and the stress level is not worth it and especially so when you are coming home to an argumentative, forgetful and sometimes aggressive 90 year old baby...who has pooped in their bed or soiled their clothing.

If you can get your elder into an ALF it is much, much easier to manage the situation.

Also - I didn't ask to be born. Don't have kids just so you have an insurance policy on elderly care when you get older. Don't farm and raise kids just so they can become your slave when you're older. I hate how people say that "They took care of you when you were a baby." YEAH - Because they chose to have me - it comes with the territory. That was their choice.

Caring for an aging parent is NOTHING like caring for your baby! It is more than a parent should expect. I would not put my grown children through this. And frankly, I am angry and resentful towards my mother for putting her life ahead of mine! She could, at least, move into my house! Do i have bad thoughts? You betcha!

Jeanne. Good for you standing up to the guilt bullies who compare taking care of an adult to an infant. Yes, i feel i owe my mother some care and help.i do not owe her my life. Try taking care of a 200 pound woman with a colostomy bag who wont wear depends and spills sh## all over the bed floor and bathroom when it bursts. Do that for 16 years. Do it when you are in your 50s and 60s with health problems. Retire early. Give up income. Jepordise your marriage. Lose your friends. Be told you are weak and useless. Repeat daily. No terrible two compares.

A hospital will not send her to skilled nursing unless she meets the guidelines and agrees to go. They will not force her to go anywhere.

You have guardianship. Make it happen. Ignore mom's preferences. (Which include using her bed as a toilet and putting your sister in an early grave.) What you want for mom -- safety, hygiene & professional care -- trumps her demented opinion. Change this situation before your sister's health and your sanity are irreparably damaged.

understands her feelings.

My father is 87 and weighs 320 lbs, he is blind in one eye, has a broken shoulder, they couldn't operate because he can't take the anthesia as he has had so many operations, he also has a broken ankle. We tried to approach him about moving to assisted living last year when he broke his hip but that was a no go. We brought in PSW's at our own expense and he didn't like them. He's been declared incompetent of making his own decisions but when I tried to use my POA he accused me of stealing his coin collection and tried to have me arrested. He falls on a regular basis but doesn't let anyone but me know, lately he has fallen 3 times in the last six days and has had Lifeline come to his aid. A week ago he called 911 as he thought he had dug up my mother to bring her home and people were trying to break into the house to get him. He has on multiple occasions during phone conversations said there is a woman in the kitchen, when I ask him to call her to the phone, nothing. the last time I visited him the stove was on. I suggested that if it was left on again we would need to talk about disconnecting the stove...another major league battle. We have been to hospital over 50 times in the last year and he has been admitted to hospital 4 times since the beginning of the year and February isn't over yet. He has constant nose bleeds that are so bad he has had 5 blood transfusions this year, when they tried to cauterise his nose he pulled the plugs out. He is violent in the hospital so he isn't acceptable to assisted living homes. I know it sounds like we don't love him but at this point he has made his bed and we are letting him lie in it. We have workers who come in 3 times a day, he refuses to stop cooking himself, won't take his medicine, refuses to use a commode and continues to climb the stairs to go to the bathroom and is extremely upset that we took the battery out of the car and flattened the tires. I am 65 years old and not in the best of health and it is becoming just too much to bear.