Help! My mother refuses to move into assisted living home.

Not all mothers are...or were nice people. Sometimes, they have been difficult, passive agressive and mean for years. My husband has been looking after his mom for over 10 years, I am weary of it. We will be moving her into an assisted living center this year, finally. She is fighting it. I don't know how it will go, but I look forward to getting her into a situation where we don't have to worry every day and deal with the drama of her current caregivers.

Agree w/yogagirl....so nice that after all this time you came back to update, and especially nice that you still have your Mom close to you and getting good care! My Mom will also be 94 in November....she is also in a wonderful facility on the Gulf in SW Florida. She is now wheelchair bound after numerous falls, breaks, surgey, rehab....and her dementia has progressed but she is quite content, has many visitors and (best of all) no longer remembers her beach front condo that she swore she would never leave.....it took several years of hell to get to this point....but, yes, yogagirl, there is hope.....and I also appreciate that I am one of the lucky ones, like you Pandoralou.....thanks again for taking the time to share your update.

Pandoralou, thank you for sharing! You give me hope. I'm so happy for you and your mom. She's getting good care and you are a great daughter!

This thread was started 5 years ago. My mom will be 94 in November & lives in a 24 hr. Care nursing home near me now. It was a long journey for all of us, but she has adjusted, is getting good care & I am there every other day. She cannot really speak anymore & needs help with feeding, but she is happy, attends all of the activities, takes no medications & it has all worked out. She was in a home in IL where the care was not good, so I moved her to FL near me 14 mos. ago. She did very well with that move, too. Just wanted to update!

Well said, jeannegibbs, I agree! I have learned the hard way that I can not do this on my own.

"Hardest job you will never love" ....love it....we gotta have a sense of humor about it.
Hang in there!
When your children do not want to spend time in their own home and are forced to hang out elsewhere, expect problems ahead. This is a critical time for your children, they have to come first.

See how it goes and God bless you.

Obviously some people have not had to deal with this yet. My mother-in-law came to live with us in March and we are now ready to throw her out the door. Our kids don't want to come home for school; we all hide from her for we are afraid of her
We are hoping to move her this weekend into independent living and they can keep records of her actions. This is way different then raising your own kids. We are all sad about who she has become, she is not the person she was. If we don't get her out of our house she will tear this family apart. If you haven't had to live with a crazy person before, keep your comments to yourself. Those glazed over eyes haunt me at night and when I hear her walker its hard to sleep,
What if she kills one of us? This is truly the hardest job you will never love.

I would select "thumbs down" for those that criticize others for making the decision to not care for their elderly parents whether it's in their own home or in the parents. For most, that decision is not made easily. From what I've read here, it is often heart wrenching...but, no quilt should be felt by the adult children who decide against caregiving.

Amen to that emjo. We are here to support one another. No one should judge another until they walk a mile in their shoes and even then, shouldn't. You have gone above and beyond what most would do, had they had your childhood experiences and yet you devote much time, energy and money to make your mom's life better. We all want is best for our loved one and there is no one best way to do anything because we are all different and what works for one, doesn't necessarily work for another. Utzie, what do you mean? We all do the best we can, according to our abilities.
Having a parent with dementia is painful, exhausting and discouraging. I was ready to cry the other day. Mom has been suffering for months with poor hearing aids, almost living in a world of silence. I was so happy to be able to arrange for her to get aids that worked, so she could hear the tv, conversations at the table and on the phone. The time, driving, effort, money was worth it - until all I got from her was complaint after complaint, not one smile, just more garbage dumping. I'm not a martyr, which is what I would have to be to move her into my home especially since she would not want to be here and would treat me to 24/7 complaints. At least in AL, she has to pretend to be nice sometimes.

Utzie - it would be helpful if you could be more specific about what you agree and disagree with and also give the other posters the benefit of your own experiences and suggestions. The board is not here for us to judge one another but to offer suggestions, experiences, encouragement. Since we all are different people we will have different opinions and experiences. That is a given. Please share more with us.

Gee, I wish there was a "thumbs down" selection here.

Amy and others - a major issue for you and I and a number of other posters is that our parent has a mental illness and now, for some of them, their problems include dementia. The average home and person is not equipped to deal with a mentally ill, aging person with dementia, They need a specialized setting with suitably trained staff. You can still care give your parent, but at arms length. The psychologist Pauline Boss recommends that people who had a abusive childhood, which you have when your parent is mentally ill, do not do hands on care giving, but if you feel able, oversee their care by others. Her advice is be humane to your parent, but do not further harm to yourself. Add to that mix the age factor where many of us are seniors ourselves, and you have a very challenging situation even at arm's length. I am 77 and mother is 102 and still pretty healthy, so could live several more years. It is likely that at age 80 I will still be caregiving. In the past 5 years, I have moved her 4 times which meant moving furniture, sorting stuff, storing stuff quite a bit of which I still have to deal with. I also deal with all her finances, shopping, and so on. Thankfully I have a younger friend who helps me, but it is still a lot of work for me, and also quite a cost as it entails me travelling to her city for dealing with her belongings, case conferences, visits with her doctors, other odd jobs for her. While I am there, as well as the cost of traveling, I have to rent a car or use cabs, stay in a hotel... the list goes on. The ALF she is in does not do things like send items to the cleaners, so I either have to do that when I am down or arrange for someone else to do it. I have some health issues myself, which have been exacerbated by the stress of dealing with my mother, and I struggle to have enough energy to do the necessary things for myself, never mind for her. Sometimes it is just too much, and the feedback I get from her is that it is never enough or good enough.

Lilsis - I don't think you can force her to live with you unless you have guardianship. Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better and you have to wait until there is a crisis in order to be able to act. If she ends up in the ER and there they determine that her living arrangements are not enough for her, you may be able to step in. Are you really sure that you want to have her and possibly her sig other, both with dementia living with you and you being their 24/7 caregiver? That is a huge burden, You mention caring for your mil. Did she have dementia? You mention your husband has chronic RA so he must need some help.

Don't take on too much. You are still dealing with your sobriety, which is pretty recent. Look after yourself and your husband first.

Sixattitudes: I'm glad it worked for you, but don't judge others. It depends on the AL home whether the care is good or not and on the parent, whether they are controllable. I get angry at those who accuse others of not doing their duty to parents if they don't care for them at home. As Emjo said, if she had to care for her mother of 102, her mother would outlive her- ditto for my mother of 100. She is horrible to us, and would be unhappy wherever she is, we can't work around the dementia any more and there is enough money to have her professionally cared for. Caring for a parent with dementia is not like having a child. We are living longer and seniors caring for seniors is not what nature intended. Some of us are physically or emotionally unable to do it. We moved Mom to AL because we exhausted all other options for her to live independently as she "thinks" she is still capable of doing. She is impossible to live with and a one day visit to any of our homes she is a miserable cat on a hot tin roof, confused and in danger of falling down the stairs. No matter where she has lived, she has been unhappy, negative, complaining and self destructive for the past 40 years. We tried everything including aides whom she wouldn't even let in the door. She is a Dr. Jeckyl Mr. Hyde, nice to others terrible, manipulative and uncooperative to her children. She behaves worse at our homes. She is in a lovely, upscale AL with caring people. By nature she is naturally negative, but now she can be put on meds to help her obsessions. I see the other residents are happy there, it is certainly not a depressing place or abusive. Mom has received lots of attention and rejected it! There is plenty of opportunity for socializing and mental stimulation, which is actually better for mental alertness than sitting in a family home watching tv all day. I have seen too many divorces caused by a spouse bringing a parent home who destroys the marriage and the health of the entire family. None of us children chooses to force our spouses to tolerate 24/7 the stress of Mom's terrible behavior.

I just finished caregiving for my mother in law, gratifying but challenging. Not at all like taking care of a 2 yr old. You can't just pick them up place on a changing table! She was grateful for everything we did for her, made her last months as special as we (I ) could, husband has chronic RA+.

2 1/2 yrs ago my mom was diagnosed with vascular dementia. For the first yr I moved in with her and her sig other who is not much better, I would come home for 1 wk then drive the 500 miles back for 3. My brothers live a few miles from her but can't deal with her I guess. We got her live in help for maybe 8 months, she got somewhat better so she refused the help. I love her dearly! We built her own apartment here with us but sig other refuses to move, now Mom doesn't believe anything is wrong, she is getting worse, she doesn't believe Drs and now she is starting to deceive me eating, dressing etc. Meds!

I got sober 2 1/2 yrs ago and am doing my best to do the right things, mil and my mom without any help from my brothers and one of them is dying now from liver fail from drinking. I am tired and frustrated and angry. I don't know if I should just go up there and force her here, which she used to love it here or walk away. She refuses live in help. Physically mom does ok, mentally not. She doesn't even grasp her first born is dying from alcoholism. I am 56 feel like 76. Don't know what to do.

Yes, it sounds like guardianship is your only option, and she may contest it but the evidence is there. Who is managing her finances? Even cameras in the house without her consent are not really legal if you do not have guardianship.

I know you would like to let her have some autonomy, but not to the point it routinely endangers her life and leaves her - and you all - in such a miserable state. Are the woods in her area really dangerous? Walks in the woods would be something I'd hate to give up before I had to, but maybe someone can go with her at least every now and then, though with the winter coming up, hypothermia becomes a risk too. Sorry you are in this spot.

LadyDiin3D, have you considered guardianship? Perhaps by your brother? A guardian can determine were someone lives; a POA cannot.

My mother desparately needs to either enter a full time care facility, or have full time professionals care for her. I'm 1100 miles away. My brother has PoA and medical responsibility as he is the closest at only about 0.5 miles away. The problem is that in the state my mother lives in, West Virginia, unless she willingly signs for either of these, they can't be forced on her. And she will have none of it! There is nothing wrong with her, according to her. She wanders in the woods. Every mother should give their children the opportunity to find them in pieces from wild dogs, right? The stove had to be disconnected 5 years ago. Her car keys were taken away from her 4 years ago when she was going to get groceries and drove to the hardware store, with my niece. Tried to put cameras in the house so she could be watched remotely, but she cut the wires, with scissors. She has also turned off the breakers in the house numerous times. I have no idea why! She has taken the heel of a boot to beat doors that she can't get open for one reason or another. And she doesn't want aids because they will steal everything she owns. But we CAN'T get a judge to say she needs to be committed. Her doctor has declared her incompetent and dangerous to herself and possibly others. Well, you could just as well wipe your bottom with that document. We have tried. My brother has teenage children to provide for and enjoy while he can. He is doing as best as he can with the situation, but she WILL NOT listen or meet him halfway. She says she doesn't remember being told anything about anything. She will either not take her medication, or double or triple dose on it. This makes my brother crazy, understandably. His work takes him out of town often. Cameras are again going in, hardwired inside the walls. Mom will probably beat down the wall with her boot heel again. But we keep plugging. She has to hurt herself or somebody else for the courts to step in. I think that is just the dumbest thing I have ever heard! My mother has to break a limb, or hit or stab somebody to get the help she needs? WTH!

@the captain...that sucks. Edna needs a better facility that that! Maybe even a board and care type place...knowing how you took care of other folks, it seems a sorry thing you can't abscond with her and let her enjoy your lifestyle with you. You COULD demand they pay her for folding laundry and let you take her out to a nice pub with the money she earns every now and then.

@dartz13, the real POAs will have to stand up to the nephew, EDUCATE the nephew - or maybe get him to post on here about how his uncle's terrible family just wants to stick him in a nursing home when every nursing home has something wrong with it and WE will help educate him. No reason to argue with grandfather about his situation. POA is in force given the medical determinations, theoretically guardianship is not needed but you might need to pre-empt nephew.

My grandfather is 82 years old and has dementia. My grandmother and my aunt have power of attorney, and my aunt had put him into a nursing home. However, he comes up wild excuses on why he should be moved into a different home for example, he complains of worms in his food or that he does not like a woman in charge of him. My grandfathers's nephew has decided to get in the middle of this, he does not fully understand dementia, he grants my grandfathers wishes on moving him to 2 other homes so far. My grandfather only stays at a home for a month or two until he is dissatisfied. Currently, the nephew has decided that my grandfather can live with him and he hired a caretaker to care for him for the day. My grandmother and aunt live out of town, but I personally feel that my grandfather needs to be put into a nursing home permanently, and not move to a new home every month or so. My grandfather has been declared incompetent by doctors, but not legally through the court system. My grandfather believes he is divorced and feels he is in control, while in reality he is still married and his funds are being taken care of through a POA account. How does my family go on about getting him into a nursing home permanently even if it is against my grandfather's wishes?

I agree, an elderly parent is absolutely NOT like having a baby at home. No one should judge children who do not take elderly parents in to live with them. I could never live with my mother, especially now that she has dementia. I shared an apartment with her 20 years ago - 2 years was all I could stand of her constant negativity and living through me, no interests of her own). It isn't that I don't love her, it is that I am almost 70, have health problems, more than she does. Mom is deaf (I have to scream for her to hear me), can't remember after 2 minutes (try repeating yourself at the top of your lungs ten times in one hour), refuses to bathe ('nuf said), is negative about everything, and refuses to do anything the doctor says, etc. She has enough money to live in a nice independent living facility, now needs assisted living but refuses to go. I will visit her, do what I can, but I am not going to ruin my marriage and what is left of my health and my life when I know it won't make a difference. She will still be negative, stubborn, and uncooperative. She will never be happy, hasn't been in 20 years.

It was done in the past out of necessity...I would not want my children to sacrifice their quality of life to take care of me, especially when mentally I probably wouldn't appreciate it.

Thanks for the update, Pandoralou :)

I guess I should update. My mom will be z93 in November & is now in a nusing home very neat o where I live in FL. She is getting good care & is actually happy. It was a battle at first. She went into her own apartment in assisted living & that was a fiasco. She needed more care. I see her very often & am very fond of he old dame. She is still feisty & shakes her fist at people. You gotta love it!!

the people who have placed elders probably have many legitimate reasons but im not going to water down my assessment of aunt ednas NH experience . they have crammed her into adult diapers so no one really cares if shed like to go to the bathroom . she is not being permitted to leave the place , if she wants a nap during the day it is refused so she'll be less trouble come nighttime . she spends her days sitting in front of the nurses desk literally being strong armed into folding table after table full of NH laundry .
she cared for at least 4 family members in their last months of life but her daughter has no inclination to care for edna . i would bring her home to live with me in a second but im a long haired , bearded hilljack and all those females involved in the health care chain are pretty sure im some kind of maniac or thug or something . there are 80 old people in this NH . i visit every afternoon so i can say with certainty that 60 of them are without outside support . the patients have no say in their daily activities . they are yanked out of bed and wheeled from place to place all day long where they will be in the most convenient location for the staffs sake . the ones with a tendacy to wander or get into things ( edna ) are crammed in their wheelchairs front and center of the nursing station and hastily brought back there if they wander off . by the staffs own admission they dont have time to do anything but make sure the old people are fed , watered , and medically cared for .

My baby boomer parents had no problem shipping their parents off to senior citizen apartments and then nursing homes. Now they are elderly-n-sickly, they expect me and my daughters to spend our nights-n-weekends catering to their every whim in the comfort of their own home. BULL! Not going to happen. They also refuse to hire a maid or a caretaker to come in to help them (they have plenty of money and can totally afford the help). It's to the point I let the phone go to voicemail.

I believe why some elders refuse to go into a retirement community or independent living is because they believe these homes are dank and smelly with unfriendly faces. Thus, they won't step foot into them even to visit the place.

A lot depends on where one is located, it seems like the larger metro areas have a huge variety of different type of continuing care homes to choose from. It all depends on what someone can afford. In my area, I recently visited a retirement community to give myself an idea of what is out there... this place felt like a 5-star resort, I was ready to sign on the dotted line for myself.

Will I get my parents to move, probably not.... when I told my parents about this resort style retirement community and showed them the booklet about the place, Dad said "oh maybe in a couple years we will think about it"..... HELLO, you are 92 and 96 !!!

Our family is now in the process of moving my in-laws into a senior residence. They did not want to move but we left them little choice. And we literally gave them a Powerpoint presentation about why they needed to move. They hated the idea, tried to ignore us but we persisted and they are moving in a few weeks. We also had to get pretty much everyone in the family involved including younger/healthier siblings. We asked family members to call them weekly and reinforce the message that they needed a safe, carefree living environment. It was time for honesty as we all were getting tired of keeping their myriad secrets like falling down or driving in the wrong lane. The whole process took less than 6 months.

At some point it becomes less about what parents want and more about what is safe for them and everyone around them. I found that in their efforts to hide their frailties my in-laws were making things worse for everybody including themselves.

By the time they move we will have been caregiving for only 3 years but it feels much longer. Their behaviors were becoming pathological and it was time to get all the services they need under one roof. Before I researched senior residences, my husband and I were contemplating getting a bigger house with a ground floor "wing" just for them, my brother-in-law strongly urged us to reconsider for the sake of our privacy and marriage. Thank goodness we did! The building into which they are moving has everything they need - and more - to live as independently as they choose. My MIL at least is looking forward to the move.

I would say that we were proactive, honest and persistent. It was a very stressful few months but it had to be done. And I had a lot of help, which I enlisted. I asked family members to tour the building, for example. I asked other family members and close friends to call my MIL or FIL. I sometimes had to ask my husband to take the reins because they're his parents and his responsibility.

It's much easier to ask for forgiveness than permission. My perspective has always been that my health and mental well-being come first or I will be of no use to anybody.

Also my Mother was afraid to die..She didn't want to leave her family..but I also didn't want to lose her.. My Mother always told me when you lose your Mom you lose your best friend.. she was right..My Dad had died at 83. Mom was 90.. My life took a bad turn shortly after losing Mother. My husband got killed in his truck.. I would love to just go call her.. Now I am alone with failing Health..

Wait until she goes back in the hospital.Then have them take her to a place you have found . Tell her she needs to just be their for awhile..once my Mom got used to it, she wanted to go back their..I didn't see that coming.. I did things with her all the time..but when it started getting dark outside .She said I better get back now..