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We started months ago taking mom on tours of facilities. We didn't say where we were going, we just took her. She ate meals at one, attended events at the other. She got to see how nice these places are. Some of them are like going on a cruise! Activities, nice dining rooms, bus trips, entertainment on site, beauty parlors and lots of contemporaries. Just keep taking her, have family members talk it up. We got a one-month trial for half price, and she agreed to go.!
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I should add that you should consider in-home care. But this can be worse than assisted living if the caregiver is not skilled or she needs more services than you can provide in the home. It may be worth a try to delay her move for a year or two. But the chances are her cognitive abilities will continue to decline and this will only become more difficult.
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This is a difficult decision. You may want to look at it like an intervention.
Step 1. Secure a spot in a facility that you think she would like. You may want to ask her doctor for a short-term prescription for her anxiety (e.g. Ativan).
Step 2. Prepare the room with furnishings and belongings from her home that are familiar to her.
Step 3. Take her out to dinner, or invite her to stay with you overnight.
Step 4. Instead of taking her back home, take her to the assisted living facility. Be sure that as many of her close family and friends are there as possible. Approach this like an intervention. Have a script and stick to it. Write down a list of reasons why she is there and laminate it so that she can see it every time she forgets. It is helpful to remind her that she needs to do this for the people that love her.
The first few weeks are most difficult. But as she starts to socialize with people her own age she will come to like her new home.
Don't be afraid to enlist the help of a geriatric psychiatrist. Also, the staff at the assisted living facility can be quite helpful as they have seen this same scenario multiple times.
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My granny was always refused whenever we started thinking about retirement home.From the initial days, she seemed quite complacent with the place and now she is spending her life very joyfully and optimistically. She is living in Thorn cliff place, and enjoying her life to the fullest.
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With regards to the do unto others part, I don't think I would want to be left to my own devices if I was pooping and peeing my own bed, and not even recognizing I needed help and it wasn't OK to live like that.
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sixattitudes, some homes are less than stellar. Some are really bad. I'm sorry that your experience was with one of these. Some are adequate and some are really outstanding.

I cared for my demented husband for 10 years in our home. I never promised him I would not place him in a care center. I always promised him that I would never abandon him and I would also do my best to ensure he had the best care possible. We talked about the possibility that might involve placement. We were both glad that wasn't necessary, but I would not have been so selfish to keep him home if that wasn't best for him.

My mother (dementia, severe pain from arthritis) is living in my sister's home, and visiting me one long weekend a month. (Other family members also provide respite care.) By getting in-home help, we gave Mom about 5 extra years in her own apartment. Now she is getting help in a family home. But if her dementia progresses to where she needs more help than can be provided at home, we are all agreed to find her the best care center we can.

Recently Mom was in a transitional care unit of a nursing home, for about a month. She loved the food! Family members who ate with her thought it was good, too. She never asked to go home. She seemed to be getting good care. Her sister who was in a care center for several years thought the food there was great. She went there voluntarily, after working there as an LPN.

Not all care centers are the worst. Dying first is not always an option.

Staying at home without care, with poor care, or with the wrong care can be pretty bad, too.

Pandoralou, I am not sure Mom is a good candidate for independent living, so I am glad the place you are considering has a whole range of care available. If "independent" is more acceptable to Mom, that may be a good way to start the transition to more appropriate care.
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If you can keep your husband or parent home, they will love you the more for it. You can get help-why do it alone? Pay someone for some of the harder tasks.

Never kid yourself-a home is hell. Surrounded by others who are sick. No thanks. Better to die first somehow.
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Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Have you ever lived in a home? Go, try it. Then see how you like it. Get her home care and let her be.

I have, through caring for my parents. Food the worst. Care, the worst.
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If you have the guardianship, and a move must be made because staying in place with whatever help is accepted is too dangerous, you talk with the facility person about the best way to approach it and if you can get them in there by car or van plus conniving or cajoling you do it any which way you can. If you do not have the guardianship but the person does not have the skills to change their POA or check themselves out (be careful, it does not take much - way too many people with no cognitive impairment for an excuse can be taken in hook line and sinker by a sob story) you do the same thing. If you don't have the guardianship, document with notes and photos and hope Adult Protective is on the ball...sometimes there is no good answer; sadly, all bad things adn bad outcomes cannot be prevented even if you see them coming. Wish it was easier. Care 111, maybe you can get a restraining order or some other help from the court who granted your guardianship in setting limits/making sure any and all contact is supervised. Document well so any accusations he makes formally are easily dismissed or unfounded.
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You have my empathy. I went thru this with my mother and now with my father, Lost Mom 6 1/2 months ago. Dad refuses to understand the dangers of driving, etc also. But in addition to all your situations I have a brother who exploits Dad staying at the house frequently taking advantage of him. I am the caregiver with all the legal papers but am constantly being undermined by my brother who is scitsophrenic (spelled incorrectly) and bi polar telling such tall tales for attention from others. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. My brother is also living a corrupt life and is dangerous. How many days with him in the house is considered illegal with dad receiving some assistance? I can't find an answer to this.
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We haven't approached my husband's sister about assisted living yet, but we are getting close to doing so. She is 62 years old and has Alzheimer's. She is divorced, lives by herself, has two grown children, and my husband and I have guardianship. We are 2 years older than her and there is no way she could live with us. She has stated she wants to stay in her house, but realistically she won't be able to. I know we have the legal authority to keep her in the least restrictive environment, but actually placing her in AL will be hard to say the least. I wish there was an alternative. Alzheimer's is a horrible disease!!!
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I must chime in on the comparison between caring for a 2 year old and an elderly adult. Raising a 2 year old involves a lot of teaching and development as he or she gains more and more independence. Caring for an adult is just the opposite. Their function is gradually declining and they are losing their independence. Yet they often refuse to understand that they can no longer do the things they once did by themselves. When my children misbehaved we put them in "time out". That doesn't work so well for Grandma.
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I agree with all of the above. My babies were my babies, sweet and wonderful. Unfortunately, my mother with dementia tries my patience every day, sometimes every minute. She blames things on me and my husband and accuses us of stealing. It is incredibly sad, frustrating and depressing. My mom also does not want to live with us, but lives alone and is miserable. She does not want to live in an assisted living. I am not sure at what point we will have to force her to go. I hate this......
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I see a time in the future that my mom may end up in an assisted living facility. I am putting it off as long as I can because she doesn't want it but also because of finances. She has very little money and once that is gone she would have to go somewhere that accepts medicaid. Also anytime you change the living situation for someone with dementia or alz it takes a long time to settle in so I only want to do it once if that's possible.
I think you did the right thing with your mom. Try to keep her distracted from the subject and after a few months she will begin to consider it home. It will just take time.
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My father needs to be in assisted living, but won't go. He has the money to live like a king for the rest of his days. Primarily to save money, he wants to live with us. NO! I barely survived living with him for 18 years, I'm not ruining my life and family. He didn't do much of anything when I was young, so get off that guilt-diatribe. He needs to be incarcerated.
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Caring for an incompetent elderly person can become a financial and legal nightmare. Unless a person is prepared for caregiver duties, I would not recommend becomming a caregiver, even if the are your parents. Financial ruin and false accusations of involuntary neglect is a realistic possibility. No one should have to be forced into such a situation. If parents are no longer responsible for their adult children, then adult children should not be required to be responsible for their elderly parents.
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Some would say -- well you're the adult now; "take charge" and get in home or outside care; but then again -- if we go to court and she handles herself well there; she may cut me out completely. My thought at this time is "i don't agree with her thinking but she has the right to make bad decisions".
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I'm in agreement with previous posts regarding the strain and comparison of elder care vs. toddler. Totally different. And just because our parents took care of us JUST MEANS THAT WE PASS IT FORWARD, taking care of our own children it doesn't mean that we are obligated to care for our parents -- especially today when the caregiving can go on for several years. Every situ is different and professional help is preferable whenever possible for both the elder and their loved ones.

I'm in the same boat the original poster was. My mom has increasing dementia and ALZ but refuses any care or assistance. She is distrustful of all outsiders and now is becoming distrustful of me (just her paranoia). She hung up on me the other day because she thinks I'm "gas-lighting her". She believes I live in town (I'm 6 hrs away) and claims I call her and stop by every couple days. I know she is confused. I've taken her twice to Dr. and they have said she has "memory problems" but they can't share anything with me (she took away my right to info) and they have not called in senior services for evaluation at her home (I made request to dr to do so). She did the "stop-lighting" thing with Dr where she could answer some of his questions and seemed competent during the visit. She cancelled subsequent visits and the Dr said there isn't anything they can do. I really don't want to go to court (I don't even know if I have a legal POA - she says I do thru her attorney but has never let me see it; I never have spoken to the attorney nor signed anything -- Can she do this on her own and have on file without my signature?). I'm just waiting for something bad to happen and then I will go to court. I keep waiting to know when that will be....I love her; want to care for her but she is distrustful and mean regarding this.
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jesanne, littlem, littletonway.and others, I am in complete agreement with you that caring for your children, and caring for a parent are totally different experiences. And I do not have my parent living in my home. She is 100, I am 75 and she could conceivably outlive me. Certainly that would be more likely if she lived with me. When I was younger I worked, did grad school and had 4 kids. The stress of dealing with my mother - one elderly person - is greater than that.
Pandora, I am glad that you haver guardianship and your mum is now in an ALF. please know that you have done and are doing what is best for her, even if she does not like it. You have acted lovingly, and responsibly, and have no rational reason to feel guilty. Life brings changes for us all, and each of us had to adjust to them the best we can.I think your mum will in time.
Losi - has your mum had a complete evaluation re the dementia? Perhaps you could get some help from social services or the agency on aging in her area. Sounds like some professional advice would be helpful
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Oh, and have you ever been with an impaired adult in public when they've had a bm in their pants and need to be changed? I have. Did I manage? Yes. Would I do it again for this person I love? Yes. But was the experience remotely similar to the many, many times I changed a toddler while out in public? No, no, NO! I cannot anyone who has done both thinking the two experiences are comparable.

Plus, when I was dealing with toddlers I was in my twenties and in good health. Many of our posters are in their forties or fifites, or like me, in our sixties, and often have some health issues of our own. Does that matter? Oh my goodness! I wish I could say I have the strength, stamina, and energy I had in my twenties, but sadly that would not be true.

A person past middle age caring for an impaired elder is NOT like a young mother caring for a two-year-old. It just is not.
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I am SO sick of the claim that caring for an impaired incontinent parent is like caring for a two-year-old, and that after all they did it for us so we should do it for them.

Balderdash!

Having done both, I know for a fact that changing the nappies on a 35-pound toddler is not remotely like changing the incontinence pants on a 120-pound adult, who may be totally unresponsive deadweight, or actively agressive. The entire experience is totally different. And with a toddler you have the assurance that eventually this little critter will be toilet trained, and before he gets too big for you to manage. With the adult you know that this is forever, and will probably get worse.

Feeding an adult who has swallowing problems, or unhealthy and very vocal tastes is not remotely like feeding a toddler.

Finding and affording respite care for an impaired adult is not remotely like hiring the highschool student down the block to babysit occasionally.

I have done both, and I gotta tell you, caring for a two-year-old is NOT AT ALL COMPARABLE to caring for an impaired adult. No way. Not at all.

As it happens, the impaired adult in my life is my husband, and I have chosen to keep him home as long as I can. Lots and lots of factors go into the decision about what is best when an adult can no longer live independently. Each case needs to be decided on its unique basis. But the claim that caring for such a person is like caring for a two-year-old is not a valid factor to consider. It just is flat-out NOT TRUE.
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Sometimes it is not that you don't want your parent with you. The is no bathroom downstairs so she would have to stay upstairs. She could very easily fall down the stairs. Not to mention, I offered she refused that too. Like littletonway says, it is not like a two year old. A two year old does not weigh 100 lbs, they do not verbally abuse you when they are having a bad day.
The assisted living that we are looking at is 10 minutes from my home so she would be very close. It is even a place that will take her dog. She would also no longer be alone. She would have people her age to talk with.
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Taking care of an elderly parent is so not like having ababy in the house. This is a totally false and unfair comparison.

Each situation is different. You have to do, first of all, what is best for you and your family. Lifestyle and dynamics in your home will change dramatically. Caregiving has been the most physically and emotionally draining experience of my life. I am glad were we able to help Mother but it is time to make other arangements.

It is a good lesson for all of us to get our ducks in a row regarding our own long term care.
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It's sad to see that children don't want to kept their parents with them. This is the time when they need you the most. She's just like a 2 year baby now who need extra attention and love. Just remind those days when you were 2 years old and your mom use to feed you on time and also changing your nappies. I think you can have a caretaker at home for her. Else you can find some senior living community like near your hometown.
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Pandoralou, Even with guadianship, how did you get her into the assisted living? My sisters and I are going to begin the guardianship process. My mother also has alzheimers, refuses to accept anything is wrong, and refuses to move to assisted living. I am with her on a daily basis, but at night she is alone. She has fallen, doubled up on her meds, left the stove on. She is also having bowel incontinence. We are concerned for her safety when she is alone.
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It is good to see an update on your mother. You did the right thing, and although it may take a while for her to adjust, I am hopeful she will. Be sure to visit her (even if she seems mad) and perhaps that will help. Be sure to help her by being her advocate there at the assisted living center, making sure that she gets the care she deserves as this progresses. They need us more as time goes on.
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Hi Losi,
Since I posted originally, we have gone to court and been appointed guardians for my mother and moved her into assisted living. While she is safe, she is not happy. I am hoping that will change. I wonder if I did the right thing, but we were totured by our guilt and fear about allowing her to live alone at 89 with dementia. Now we are tortured by our guilt that she is so unhappy there and wants to leave. It is so difficult, but we have been told by everyone that we have done the right thing. We are really hoping that she acclimates and feels more at home there eventually. She has only been there for 3 weeks and I know that any change to a person with dementia is difficult. My mom was the same as yours, thought she needed nothing and nobody to help her and she was just fine. We knew she was not. I guess you just have to be strong and do what you know is right for her. Take comfort that your actions are motivated by love and in that, they cannot be wrong.
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My mother also refuses to move from her home but also refuses to wear a hearing aid, stop driving, accept assistance from any agency that will help her (e.g., Meals on Wheels, in-home assistance). What can my brother and I do?
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if it's possible to keep her at home, why not if she wants to be there. There are several in home health agencies that can assist with her daily activities such as, Housekeeping, bathing, meals, senior companion or volunteers to visit with your mother. That's what we did for our mother because she wanted to stay at home. We found the information in the Senior Resource Directory and Seniors Blue Book free publications picked up at our local Senior Center.
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