Help! My mother refuses to move into assisted living home.

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I have legal guardianship over my 89 year old mother, who has dementia. She is in complete denial about her dementia and refuses to believe there is ANYTHING wrong with her. She has been diagnosed by a doctor and many people have talked to her about it, but she just dismisses it all.
We have recently found that she is urinating in her bed at night and there is spoiled food in her refrigerator and she even had a BM in her bed.
My sister has been caring for her, but she is not well and it is becoming a terrible burden, emotionally and physically.
We found a very good independent living place for her that has an apartment available now. She can transition to assisted living there and we can add services as she needs them. She thinks she needs nothing and is FLATLY refusing to move. I have the legal authority to make her move, but I will probably have to have her physically restrained and moved to do that.
Should I do that?

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Sadie. Your boyfriend will not get the house at this point. She waited too long to sign it over to meet the 5 year lookback so the house is an asset to be sold and money used for her care until it runs out, then she will be eligible for Medicaid.   
It sounds like his parents have as much as admitted that they expect YOU to be her (unpaid) caregiver, or they wouldn't be saying they will have to hire one if you move out.   You need to move out (which is a good test of your boyfriend's commitment to you whether he is in agreement). You get nothing out of this arrangement, except the grief you are living with every day. This is not helping your relationship either.
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You stand to get nothing from all of this. It's your boyfriend who will supposedly inherit the house. Who's to say you will even still be with him (much less married) by the time his grandmother dies? How do you benefit?

Why should you be the caregiver for this woman? Because you walked right into this situation, and were taken advantage of by everyone. You are the free caregiver.

You are only 22 -- walk right out of this situation. If your boyfriend is the "one," he will walk right out with you and put all of this behind him, too. His grandmother is NOT his responsibility.
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Sadie, if the grandmother gives your boyfriend the house and she goes on medicaid, Medicaid will penalize her for transferring assets within a 5 year period. And it doesn't sound like she will last 5 years. Medicaid will place a lien on grandma's property for the amount of care that the state provides under Medicaid, and unless you are caring for her for another 5 years after the transfer date, the state will not pay for her care until she has paid herself the equivalent amount. You are best to be move out of the house. These days, there is almost no chance that a person that requires nursing home care that is paid by Medicaid will have a house or other property to leave to anybody unless you are willing to spend 5 years in their home past the point of transfer. Sorry that no one planned for this situation.
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She does have dementia as well and it makes having conversations with her difficult. She's either angry or confused. There's not much of an inbetween anymore. My boyfriend told his parents and aunt this morning that he was be talking with her this afternoon and blatantly ask her if we can have the house (because he will be getting it anyway according to her will.) If she does not want to move out then we will. I have already started looking up places because I have a feeling she won't budge. His parents said if we move out they will have to hire a full time caretaker for her and that will drain ALL of her money in just a few short years versus going to Assisted Living and not draining her money. They had a plan set up when she got the diagnosis several years ago. Now, no one is sticking to the plan because she doesn't want to and thinks we are all making it up and scheming against her to get her money.
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Sadie it appears you are stuck in the situation as long as you live in the house with her. The family has abdicated their responsibility to you partly because they justify that you are living rent free as compensation for her care.

Suggestion: search out a new place to live and call a meeting with the grandmother's family. Inform them they have 2 weeks (or a month at the most) before you move out.  Be adamant that you will not be coming back to the house to take care of her after you move. You need to put the responsibility on them to find a caregiver or to move her. Hopefully they will care enough to do something before she falls while living alone.

Its a tough situation for her because it sounds like she has dementia as well.
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I am 22 years old and my boyfriend is 25. A year and a half ago we moved in with his grandmother because she has Parkinson's and we needed a different place to live. The original deal was that we were not her caretakers and we were just there if she needed something at night. Right before we moved in she had a severe BM all over her bedroom and bathroom and lost function of her legs. She had to call a family member in the middle of the night to help her.
For awhile, things were fine. She was still very independent at home but was not driving anymore. Fast forward to now, she is angry all the time, paranoid, has fallen several times (once hospitalized because she cracked her head open on the pavement), has left the gas stove on (i have taken the knobs away) and many other dangerous behaviors like walking down the street and getting lost. My boyfriend and I have been fighting with his parents for a year now trying to get them to understand the severity of her condition. We have stairs in the house and although NONE of her things are in the basement anymore because we live downstairs, she continues to go up and down the stairs unattended.
I work from home so when the caretaker isn't here I'm responsible for her even though I have clearly expressed that I do not want to be her caretaker. I am trying to focus on my own life and instead I'm stuck with an old lady who I barely know that calls me all kinds of names.
I can't take much more of this. His parents keep saying they are working on it but nothing has changed. She continues to refuse to leave. She has visited the assisted living place (which she knows some residents there), her son has written a letter to her (which she threw in the trash) and we have even had outside people try to talk with her. SHE IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Does anyone have any other suggestions?
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I can sympathize. I kept my mother home as long as possible. My mom was very independent and her doctor knew her well. He told me if your mom ever gets to the point she cannot live at home when she knows she's never going home she will give up and die quickly. From the day I told mom she was unable to go home again she lasted two weeks. I was lucky to have financial resources to keep mom home until the very end but home care even moving in with her is best.
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Hi Susiefaye:

I can feel your frustration and I totally understand it.
First and foremost, ignore the perfect people on this site who have everything figured out and relish sitting in judgement of others. Everyone's situation is unique because people are unique, and dementia makes everything harder.

As for helpful situations around getting your mom to move, I just did this on November 30, 2016. The date will be forever etched in my memory because it was the hardest decision I've ever made. My mom hadn't left the house since June, so I had to get very creative to get her moved. I ended up telling her we were going to the doctor to get her blood pressure prescription. We went to her geriatric exam and then straight to the assisted living center. Hardest day of my life. She actually did very well. She didn't even notice we were driving a different way "home." When we got there I told her we had to go in to get the prescription filled. Once we got her into the unit I disappeared. Yes, that was so, so hard, but the staff assured me they would take it from there. I kept reminding myself that these were trained professionals who knew what they were doing. I stayed away for about 5 days before visiting. It's now March and she is doing fabulously! She lives in her own fantasy world, so she often talks as if she still lives at home, but came to the center for lunch. I just roll with it. The key was having everything set up and everyone on standby. I wasn't sure I would even be able to get her in the car, but once I did I sent a text to the doctor's office and the center to say we were on our way. Everyone understood that we might have to abort the mission if I couldn't get her in the car. Again, these people are professionals who have seen it all.

I hope this helps. Good luck. I know how hard this is. I still struggle with the decision despite my mother adjusting so well. Remember - you are doing what is best for her, and for you. That's not wrong, selfish or bad. You are making a loving decision in order for both of you to have a better life.
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For those of you who advocate keeping your parent at home, good for you but how dare you judge someone else! If you can't be supportive and offer suggestions that may have helped you keep your parent at home, then you have no business on this site! Good for you that you found a way to make it work for you right now. Not everyone is so lucky. Some could criticize those keeping their parent at home as just doing so for their money. Didn't like that did you! Well DON'T JUDGE! These people sharing their difficulties above had every intention of keeping their parent at home but now they are having difficulties keeping up with their care for any number of reasons. Kudos to them for recognizing that. My Mom lives with me now but she needs to go to assisted living and for now refuses. I always said I would keep her here as long as I could physically keep up with her care. Now she refuses all showers and refuses my help to wash up or wash her hair. I physically cannot force her. Also she sits around my house crying saying she doesn't want to sit around here waiting to die. And don't tell me it isn't like caring for a 2 year old because it definitely can be at times and good for you if you haven't had that experience yet. Although incontinence is not a problem for my Mom I have to follow her around the house like a toddler who will get into things... like pouring milk on to the paper plate that she put cereal on when I was in the bathroom, or putting dishwashing liquid in her hair for hair gel, or taking a bite out of a small travel soap in a shiny candy like wrapper. I could go on and on. My Mom is miserable about everything and everybody. She will go into Walmart and yell at the staff for "sitting on their a** and not earning their pay" . Medication has NOT helped her depression and agitation. My Mom has always been a social person, used to do stand up comedy for senior centers. And when we went to visit an ALF for a sing a long, she not only sang but got a kazoo out of her purse. So no matter how much she complains to me, I know she will be better off there. I just have to get her to go. So if anyone has suggestions good. If you only want to be judgmental, go be righteous somewhere else!
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zythrr, is your comment relevant to this thread? How?
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