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She is in rehab, but wants to live independent, but she cannot. My sister does her meds, bills and banking. I live out of town, but drive the two hours to take her shopping and what ever. We have someone clean her apartment 2 x a week. She fired the last two caregivers, and is extremely selfish and self-centered. I can't tell you how many vacations, holidays and so on were ruined and walking on eggs was part of our family life, to this day. She is saying she will check herself out of rehab, go and live elsewhere. She cannot live alone without help and needs to be in 24/7 care. She tried to live with two of her children in the past and was impossible, almost costing divorces. She has never acted in a reasonable manner if her mind is set on something , and she tries to manipulate you into her way of thinking. If that does not work, she has a tantrum or goes on a hunger strike. I wish for a different acting mother, but that is not possible. There is lots more, but ran out.......

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CAC - you posed no questions but I'll give you my advice anyway - Obviously, your grandmother should not be home alone anymore and her history means she shouldn't be living with any relatives. It's easier to deal with such manipulators and drama if you only have to deal with it a few hours a week. Live your life, go to her to do what you can then return to "normal". This isn't selfish, it's HEALTHY for you all; consider your spouses and kids too. You need to nurture those loving relationships that will outlive grandma.

Before you do anything else - tell BOTH the social services staff at the nursing home and her doctor and tell him that NONE of the family can take her in if she's discharged from the nursing home; that she's best off where she is since none of you is able to monitor her in an apartment and that she fires care givers. Tell the doc that you ALL WANT her to stay in the nursing home. The rehab facility has a legal responsibility ensure that she is discharged to a location where she gets the care she needs. If there's no place to go - they must keep her or transfer her to a skilled nursing facility.

As for Grandma, tell her the doctor has ordered that she remain in the nursing home until she's passed some "tests" - can she prepare food for herself? get on/off the toilet? do laundry? get in/out of bed alone? dress alone? manage all her meds? If she's in rehab then there might be a specialized room like a kitchen where they work with residents to do these things. If she can't prove herself there then she stays.. Talk with the therapists about occupational therapy and see what they recommend. When she asks about going home tell her, it MIGHT happen but she needs to 'get stronger" first then change the subject. If she's prone to fits then go visit about 30-45 minutes before meal time; when she starts with the fit say, "well, we should be going, you have to go to the dining room in a few minutes. see you tomorrow...." and walk out the door. This will be hard the first time or two but it gets easier and easier and she'll stop the fits.

Your job now is to ensure her safety first - are her transfers from bed-chair-toilet safe, food healthy and varied, medications administered on time and correct dosages, bathing regularily? Then comes quality of life issues - company, things to keep her occupied?

Once grandma is deemed "no likely to return home", it might be a good idea to stay away for a couple of weeks . It might be hard, she might call to ask for visits but stay away. This will force her to get acquainted, to trust the staff, to get into their routine. I've been through this with aunts, grandma and now my own mom, it's never easy but you are trying to do the right thing. Take comfort in that grandma has caring grandkids! Best of luck.
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I have a 93 year old mom that lives with me. She is a wonderful mother , but she still gets on my nerves . She can't hear or see so I have to screem for her to hear me. I love her a lot, but I feel like I have no live at all I am 67 myself. I sure would like to have help. I have three sister & two brothers , none of them give a flip.
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do u have any soultions above i looked up google so that i could find some bad ass hearin aid and to suprise explanation above :)( sad
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My mom is also 94, we have just started to be here two weeks out of every month. It is very difficult for me to figure out how the world can revolve around mom, but apparently it does. Then I think, well this is where we need to be right now. Yikes!
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Arrghhh-another one! My sympathies. Have you tried a social worker? (As if that worked for me lol)
Mine barely gets around, has broken a hip and otherwise fallen twice (that I know of) in the last 4 months but maintains she can be independent. She leaves the stove on etc.She can't even take out the trash or feed her dog (let alone walk it
and pick up poop) but she wants me out of here.
Just a note of advice-we have been discussing and venting about this on another thread here-think twice before either taking her in or moving in with her. In fact-RUN in the other directon and don't stop!
Best of luck.
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