She has dominated her childrens' lives with little concern for anyones' feeling but her own. She is now in a wonderful assisted living and her dementia (I think) has illuminated her personality into a person who I can no longer bear to be around. She has again managed to alienate everyone around her with her insults and insensitivity. She is nasty and uncooperative with the aids (who are wonderful) And complains, complains, complains about everyone, everything and blames my sister and myself for the air she breathes. I am sick of her and I don't want to visit her anymore and don't feel that my adult children need to be manipulated like I was and be around her negative attitude anymore. I hate feeling obligated to have her at my house as I have every holiday of our lives and force my children to "tolerate" her for my sake. The guilt is unbearable but I feel that now being 60 years old I would like to feel that this person does not dominate my whole life. I would like to have a happy holiday for a change and have my children WANT to come home (without Grandma always there)
There has never been any pleasing her before and now she sends me into bouts of depression that I have a hard time shaking. Am I alone? I feel like a selfish person but I don't like her now and never did before. The guilt is killing me.
The typos are fine. Here's an idea that I have tried with my smart phone but I'm at my desktop right now.
When you bring the keyboard up to type on your phone, look for a microphone down on the left. Press it and you can speak your post into the thing. The only command that I learned is to say period at the end of a sentence and it will put a period. I do this now with text messaging. Good luck.
Anywho, I think primarily you need to focus on you, taking care of you and taking care of your 19 year old child. Are they working?
I don't see fixing the relationship at this point until she gets seen by a doctor and you find out more what is wrong with her if she has never been this way before.
It's too bad that you don't have any money for you sure could benefit from seeing a therapist.
I hope you get some extra ideas from others.
Please do something nice for you and your 19 year old today.
Keep in touch!
Love, prayers and cyber hugs.
I'm an only child, I'm 49 and have a 19 year old daughter.
My Mom is 72. She's been a bully her entire life. I'm her target. I can't take it anymore.
I was born with scoliosis and had the corrective surgery in 1977. I started to have serious problems with the hardware in my back, and was also diagnosed with Ehlers Danlos Syndrome.
I've had to apply for disability, and I was approved.
in 2012 my Mom "borrowed" over $4,000.00 from me and my daughter. I was preparing to have surgery, and she even borrowed my insurance deductible. I waited and waited for her to repay it. She never did and I was not able to have surgery. She even made jokes about repaying me "someday."
When I filed for disability, I had 6 thousand in davings, and 2 thousand in my 401k. This was what me and my daughter planned to live on as my disability case slowly wound it's way through court. I needed what mom owed me desperately. I have apartment rent, I HAD a new car I almost had paid off, insurance, and regular bills. Plus my baby was still in school. Her senior year with a class to g, graduation pictures and all the expenses associated with your kid graduating. She was also preparing for college.
Well...my savings didn't last forever and I went to Mom.
I don't even know where to begin. She's screamed at me, told me I wasted money, I need to repay her. She's grudgingly helped me the bare minimum with rent.
I've lost car, my phone. We are just scraping by as I wait for payments to begin. We've gone without food ever so often, because Mom, well I let her, used my food stamps for herself. She's taken food that I got from a food bank and hoarded it away.
I've gone without filling my medications because I don't even have the $10.00 per script to do it.
and all the while mom is out "pissing" money off. Wal Mart 2 or 3 times a week, grocery store a couple times per wk, Goodwill, twice last wk, eating out. I dot know why she used our food money when she grocery shops and eats out. She gets herself every single morning without fail a Coke from the fountain at the gas station.
It's really gotten to me as I struggle.
I can't find the gumption to mention my money she owes me and my daughter. Yes, she even "bortowed" from my daughter.
Mom has been, when I call, screaming at me, blaming me for her financial situation, telling me I was a burden on her. She began running my child down. Mom made her cry today which was the last straw. Mom is verbally abusive to both of us.
And thinking back on my life, she's always been a bully. And for some reason, I've let her get away with it.
She cussed at me like sailor, which is very offensive. She says things like "Jes*s f***ing Chr*st! Or mother****er. You get the idea.
She's also become a huge racist. Using words like spick and nigger. She does this in public and its just awful. She knows better! She never did this in the past.
She's bad mouthed me and my child down to other family members. Told them I quit my banking job with no savings! abd am relying on her support.
She has zero sympathy for my condition, which I don't care at this point. But by God, you better ask after her and her sudden onset of various illnesses. The latest which is an ingrown toenail. Kid you not. She had it cut out yesterday and can barely walk. She wanted band aids for the toe. But my band aids I offered weren't up to par. she wanted to buy her own and she needed cay food, and I need to pay her back. In truth, I'm on debt to her for way less than she borrowed from me.
I used to tell people mom was my best friend, because she was. We talked everyday and it was awesome. we all got together every Sunday and did dinner and arts n crafts. Went to movies, shopped, when we spent money out, I always paid. She would leave me holding the bill, every single time. I didn't much mind, because she's my Mom and I enjoyed her company. She was always in a good mood and fun for me n my child to be around.
I see now I was buying her affection and friendship.
I'm hurt beyond words.
In 2012, my Dad was murdered. He n Mom have been divorced since 1984. And mother was actually happy daddy was killed. She said "The motherf***er got what he deserved!" Or "I'm not sorry it happened. I hope the motherf***er rots in hell.!" I never realized before she had so much hate in her heart.
They fought over money. Dad wasn't abusive to us, he didn't drink or do drugs. I think he may have run around on Mom a few times. I don't condone that, but d*mb, who can blame him? She harped on money even back then. Her whole life has been about lack of money She had a well paying job. Claimed she made $25.00/hr. And she saved none of it. She's gone to me off and on throughout he years for loans. And she did repay them.
I hate asking my Mom to repay me. But her treatment of me, and her nasty demands to pay her back gave pissed me off. She has no idea how much she owes me, indeed, she seems to have forgotten that I made over 200 deposits into her account. She's charged things on my credit card and never paid for them.
Last week she even ran me down to my daughter behind my back.
I am so depressed over this, and my child is too. She wants Granny to ge a part of our lives. But all this can't be ignored. I don't know how to even begin to bring it up. She is going to be furious. Because I've been a doormat all my life.
How can I fix our relationship? Can it be fixed? Where do I start? Do I repay her? Demand my money back? I'm so sad and can't stop crying. :(
With her only being 75, I guess that you probably gave up a rather good job with plenty more years to work and build up your own retirement.
Take care and keep in touch.
Since this thread is 4 years old, you may want to consider starting a new thread with your question for you may get help quicker that way.
First of all, if her attempt to kill you was rather recent, that needs to be reported. She has obviously become a danger to others. I don't quite understand why you didn't report her attempt to kill you other than she is your mother. However, she does not sound like she is currently behaving like the mother you once knew. Thus, you need to see her more as someone who needs help that is putting you in danger.
If she ever even threatens to kill you or herself, don't ignore that, but call 911 and have her committed to the hospital for professional help.
Your profile mentions that she has alzheimer's / dementia. What you describe is not typical behavior from those medical problems.
Not taking a shower for 5 months and blaming it on you because you ask her too is a sign of depression and possibly more that is going on inside of her.
When was she seen last by her doctor? She needs to see her doctor again soon and you need to tell the doctor in advance what is going on. I do hope you already have medical POA over her.
Does your mother have any mental illnesses? If so, what meds does she take and is she taking them?
Call her doctor in the morning and make her an appointment as soon as possible. It may help them how urgent this needs to take place by giving them a brief summary like you wrote above. They may be able and wiling to work her in because of the great need in this situation.
Again, if you feel at any point tonight that she is a danger to herself or to others don't hesitate to call 911 and get immediate help.
I made up this little piece of wisdom, “How you treat them when they are young, is how they will treat you when you are old.” In this case, it is a daily reminder to not repeat the mistakes my mother made when I was growing up. To embrace kindness, understanding and above all patience, but sadly, at times, my battle is a collision between past and present.
As my mother prepares to leave this world, she is angry and afraid, bitter and in pain. Despite accusations to the contrary, I am responsible for none of this. On good days, when I am strong, I am understanding and sympathetic. On bad days, I am ashamed to admit, I remind her that she is responsible for her misery and sorrow.
I take solace in the many lessons I have learned from my mother and her life, but the most important one of all, if left unchecked, will ravage you worse than cancer and that is anger. Like a tree, it will plant itself and continue to grow into old age, where the bitter roots will wind up destroying itself.
Dad probably will be an obstacle because he's enmeshed. Your choices have nothing satisfactory in the list because they are all sad in some way -
Walk away, try to help and get clobbered & abused, or do nothing and try to stay close and get clobbered & abused.
Your dad has no hope of recovery while she is in that home with him, and this may be a lost cause.
If you think it's a lost cause, you can report them to their county adult protection and make an anonymous report of a vulnerable adult. That may be all you can really do even though it seems like you have the willingness to really help them out.
Sometimes we have to know when to back completely away and let nature take its course, as sad as that choice is.
::HUGS:::
Google "Cluster B Personality Disorders" and you will read about your mother, my mother, and a lot of other mothers. Narcissism, Borderline, and Hystrionic personality disorders are a mental illness dependent on a reign of fear, obligation, guilt (FOG), constant praise, constant attention, and impersonal manipulation of everyone around them. Other people - even their children - are just a means to an end - more attention. It's a mental illness and she can no more change that about herself than I can decide to grow taller another 6 inches tomorrow. There is no cure, only treatment of symptoms.
LOCK UP THOSE GUNS NOW!!!! so she can't get to them. This is a matter of simply being responsible. You can NOT have guns around a mentally ill dementia patient. Unless you want to get shot or have her get shot by accident. Think about how that would read in the police report. Think of the safety of everyone who lives around you. DO THIS NOW.
I would STRONGLY suggest getting your mother OUT of your house faster than immediately or you are going to end up in the hospital, not her. She needs to be seen by a neurologist and a geriatric psychiatrist. You may need to get her placed in a memory care residence to make the psych visits possible. Cluster B people will die fighting any attempt to get them into a psych's office, so it has to be done in a way she can't refuse or run away. In these places, it's just another doctor that comes to see them in their room. You will have nothing to do with it as far as she can tell.
She needs to be in memory care because she is out of control and a danger to herself and others. Memory care is setup to specifically handle the wild behavior and surprises of dementia. They are also setup to handle the psychiatric aspect of this while a regular old-age-home is probably not going to be able to handle that. Not willingly anyway and not for long.
Next time she pulls a dramatic stunt - call 911 - and let the police take her away. Have her sent to the hospital for psych observation. Some places it's called "Baker Acted", but it's involuntary commitment. This will buy you time to find another place for her to stay. You should work with the hospital social worker to get this setup because SHE IS NOT COMING BACK TO THAT HOUSE. This is a very important thing to keep from happening regardless of what kind of show-timing she does for the doctors.
You - if you can't get into therapy (and believe me, I understand how logistically impossible that is sometimes) read "Surviving the Borderline Mother". It will change your outlook, it will empower you to have boundaries and learn to see past your mother's theatrics so you can get her into safe care and put some distance between the two of you.
Please come back to let us know how it's going!! We've been through it all.
You will need to put some personal boundaries in place to survive this. If she gets ugly, walk away to another room. You can tell her that when she can talk to you without being ugly, you are happy to talk. I had to learn how to respectfully stand up to my mother. She could not learn how to behave, but in the moment, I did not stand around and take the abuse. I would leave my purse in the trunk of my car, so that if I had to make a fast exit, I wouldn't have to look for it. Same for my coat when it was minus 40!
If you have a smart phone, you can record her when she's "putting on a show" and she probably won't know it. You may need this evidence with her doctor and attorney.
No legitimate attorney would allow someone mentally compromised to make changes to their legal documents. If they do, they risk losing their license. You may need to use a different attorney than hers just to avoid conflict of interest.
Keep a journal of the events that transpire with your mom. I had to go back to mine when I needed to write a recap of why I believed my mother needed a guardian. My attorney put this information into the court petition to justify the request, so write it with that in mind. Capture her attitude, whether she was agitated or calm, yelling or not, animated gestures or reserved, swearing, using profane names, etc. Facts, not opinions.
It's going to be turbulent getting this plane off the ground, but once it's at altitude I promise you'll feel better because things are under control and some level of certainty to them.
It sounds to me like you need to speak to her doctor and pursue guardianship/conservatorship with the court. ASAP. Your mother is no longer competent and should not be in control of such critical decisions any longer. You do have recourse through the guardian/conservator legal maneuver.
You could possibly even have some of her recent decisions invalidated by having the doctor complete some forms you'll need anyway.
I don't think you can let go and feel unburdened. If you do let go, it sounds like you will still carry this weight and injustice around forever. I would certainly have a hard time putting the resentment and anger away.
I would contact an eldercare lawyer immediately (or faster) to get things under control and stop any further potential losses and bad decisions by your mother.
This may not be a popular idea with anyone, but if anyone involved is going to get out of this OK, somebody has to do the responsible thing and get the arrangements taken care of. Bless you as you go through this journey.
Young brains can't cope with the overload of abuse. It's often decades before our minds remember those blankeď out memories. My memories of my mother and getting fully in touch with my anger did take place until mom's sudden decline in 2009 and my getting involved as her only child in her care.
This is very stressful on the family and people around that person because you have to go through 7 levels of heck with them, and they deny all of it, blaming you as a liar making up stories so they look bad.
This happened with my mom. We know she had an abusive childhood with a lot of trauma. I always thought she refused to talk about it, but maybe she couldn't because her brain had damage, and she didn't have access to those memories.
She was always prone to "pulling stunts" periodically where she would go on rampages, or act like she didn't know any of us, or basically have a psychotic break and never remember a minute of it. What I would have given to have an iphone to video that when it was happening back in the 70s & 80s.
You grow up around that and you start to doubt your own senses. You second guess your own reality and become so unsure of just about anything that it's hard to mature properly. I used to marvel at people my age who seemed to have it together and could handle other people easily. I would wonder how they got like that while I was so insecure about everything.
You'll never hear such a thing from a narcissist that is anything but sincere.