My mom has been a miserable, nasty, and hateful person all her life. As a mother she has dominated every aspect of her children's life.

bevq1959,

It sounds like your mother emotionally groomed you to respond as you have. You need some boundaries for your own protection. It possibly would be helpful to see a therapist to help you detach and shake the grip of guilt in your life. You have not done anything wrong to feel guilty about, How was your life up to this point?

If she's been how she is now, then it sounds like your mother has an undiagnosed personality disorder like narcissism or borderline. She can't be reasoned with and as you see, trying to only makes things worse. Next time she throws the fear angle at you about taking you out of her will, just tell her to go ahead and do that for you can live without it. My MIL loves to use that line to keep her other daughter in line.

Love, prayers and cyber hugs

I am 56 and my mother is 74. Self-centered,hateful,nasty,evil,alcoholic. Why do I constantly try to make everything ok and knowing she will verbally abuse me everytime. My stepdad gives into her and always says its easier to do for her and let her drink than to listen to her throw fits. I try to stay away but I know he needs help doing things. I hate to say it because it sounds so awful, but I hate this woman. She will say things while drinking and be absolutely hateful and I will cry and feel terrible for days but she doesn't remember anything the next morning because of being drunk the night before. She falls alot and my stepdad can not lift her because even though she is small , she is dead weight when she falls. So he calls me to help him get her up and into bed. The next day she doesn't remember anything and thinks we are making it up. If he goes out of town I have to stay with her because she can't be left alone in case she falls. She uses a walker because of physical ailments. She expects him to wait on her hand and foot even if he is feeling bad. I argue with her and it gets pretty heated and her favorite phrases to say to me are "you are dead to me" or "i want to try and forget that you are my daughter" or "im taking you out of my will".
Please tell me what to do!!! I am slowly sinking into depression and I can't shake the guilt of all that is happening.

Vstefans thank you. Your post was very helpful and thought provoking. I am battling the anger I am feeling because of her behavior and she has added more insult to injury by going to a hotel after her chemotherapy treatment after berating my sister there and back. She never came into my home to get any of her things and left her husband there. Now she has directed him to go back home 3 hours and she is staying at my brothers. It hurts that I have turned my life upside down and inside out only to get a big slap in the face as if everything I have given means nothing and me and my family can be discarded like we are nothing. I know it is her issues and not mine but that doesn't help with this hurt. I am glad she is somewhere else right now because I am angry and hurt and don't want to see or talk to her right now. I think less is more, you are right and I will have to commit myself to that in order to protect my family and my heart. Thank you for your words and kindness.

Loving, I wish it was easier to distance emotionally while still being involved in caring. Or even to uncover what makes a person this way, besides just chronic, lifelong severe and untreated depression. There is a quote from Kathie Ritchie in her blog called "My demented mom":

And who wants their headstone to read: Here lies YOU. You wasted your life being angry, being sad, being resentful, being vindictive, being ridiculous, and now you are dead. The end.

It is a sad thing, which unfortunately does describe the lives of some fellow human beings in this world. The blind spot a mile wide. The hate, fear, and resentment that makes someone a prisoner, unable to give and receive love. You did not cause it, and if by some miracle you find the key to fixing it, it truly is a miracle. Most of the time, nothing ever changes because the walls just keep going up higher, defending whatever sense of self they may have. OK, she just got diagnosed with cancer and that alone can make someone unbelievably stressed and desperate, but your post indicates this is more lifelong and at most it only added fuel to a smoldering fire. Protect your children from it, protect your heart from it - it may mean limiting exposure to her, keeping your own contacts as short and sweet as possible. Do what you can. You do not deserve the guilt and shame, and your mother should not have treated you as if you did...somehow you and your siblings have grown up and have compassion, empathy and normal human feelings despite that. Sure if there is a chance that psychological or psychiatric treatment would help, use any leverage you can think of to make it happen for her, such as someone she trusts or confides in...but if she refuses, as she likely will, because most people like this cannot allow themselves to entertain the idea that they could own any part of any problem in their own lives or relationships, there may not be anything else you can do to really effect a big change in attitude. If there is some little thing you can do that might let her feel better and cared for, go for it, but don't count on anything. It is painful to give up the dream that a parent could start acting like one and give love and support, or be grateful instead of critical and bitter, but sometimes that is exactly what you have to do to reduce the intense, chronic grief and longing to a manageable level of sadness that you can live with.

I'm sitting at work a mess and thought...let me google how to deal with people who are mean and nasty who have cancer. Like so many of you, my brother, sister and I have battled an entire lifetime of having a difficult mother. Being screamed and cursed at and being called horrible names, only to feel the guilt and shame afterward to make things right because it was our mother. Special occasions and parties ruined, always a problem with something or someone. We are now facing my mother having this difficult personality and being diagnosed with cancer. She has been irate, mean and nasty and picked each and every one of us apart, including her grandchildren. No one is immune to the behavior. In additon she has a husband who requires care and she is mean and nasty and abusive to him as well. It is very hard to witness. I have both of them staying with me because they live so far and it has not been easy. All of us have cooked, waited on her hand and foot gone to doctors appointments which are so far away because she chose to go the farthest distance for her treatment and this morning I was called horrible names and had horrible things said to me in front of my youngest daughter. We are all at a loss. I couldn't leave them to rot in a house so far away and we have been trying to get them closer to all of us. Everything we do is for naught. Nothing is good enough. It is heartbreaking and I really do believe their is a mental illness that has gone undiagnosed for a lifetime. It is only compounded now by her cancer diagnosis. I don't know how much more I can take, it is breaking my heart, my family and my spirit.

Jeanie, I wouldn't be so quick to assume that the doctor will not listen to your version of events. Sweet little old ladies who are sugar and spice to their doctors but witch queens from h*ll to their daughters are not as rare as all that, you know. And if the doctor is reasonably experienced, he will welcome your perspective on your mother's care. You may even find that he is not all that surprised to hear it.

You can not rely on your mother's diagnosis of herself. Did you not get a written evaluation from her Dr.? My mother has severe Alheimers & she thinks nothing is wrong with her! She wants to blame everyone else for her condition especially me, her daughter, (who is also POA & trustee) Dementia causes them to be severely paranoid & every downgrading word she speaks against you will always hurt no matter how many times your assured that it comes from her illness. You need a professional evaluation from a NeuroPschologist (in hopes that Medicare will help you) ASAP! Even though you feel that your personal care for her is your best alternative, I feel your personal obligation to help her is outweighing what is truly "best" for her. After finding out the results of a Dr who is better at determining her condition, you & your Dr will need to decide what type of care for her specific condition is best. You may be robbing her of important needs that are specific to her dementia (due to your loyalty & love for her is understandable) if you decide to handle ALL of this on your own. It's a hard pill to swallow when you feel your handing your mother's care over to strangers. But if your home is not suited for her needs, your doing a disservice to her & yourself. Since her behavior to you is ugly & bitter now, it will only get worse. (I'm sorry). For me, I have had hard time understanding why it is so common to hurt the ones we love when we fear the unknown! Especially if her hurtful accusations & undeserving implications to you are way out of line. My mother also has the skill of convincing other people of her authority, especially when she wears her mask of "acting overly happy". It's her defense mechanism. And she still uses it, even now, as she progresses into her later Alzheimer's condition. But the skilled professionals see this all the time & recognize it! It will be hard for you to put all your faith in a stranger who you feel doesn't know her as well as you do, but you have to trust in their abilities. You must! Please do some research on NeuroPsycholigists in your area. You may be thankful you have when/if your mother fights you over things she is incapable of understanding and becomes so hateful towards you, you become resentful. It is truly heartwrenching! I don't want to tell you she will get better, she may be more comfortable if you place her in the right hands, but dementia is unfortunately a downward spiral. And please try not to forget your needs!!! The stress that is put on you will no doubt cause you a lot of problems in the future. Depending on how strong your own constitution is will be the determining factor to your reactions. We all tend to put off the obvious & I can't tell you enough how it important it is for you to get the right help immediately! I procrastinated with finding the right help for my mother & it has caused me to suffer more than I thought was possible. The stress you bare will eventually turn against your own health! I now have several issues that have caused me to be disabled.The worst one being my battle against ulcerated colitis. Please don't let this happen! All kidding aside, the pain I feel from shooting out razor blades from my butt has caused me to feel worthless. It drains my energy, it makes me ill & I can't depend on myself to keep important appointments for her or myself. Please don't get yourself in a position where your own health is at jeopardy. People handle stress/grief differently. If you lean towards being an empath, protect yourself by finding the appropriate help for your mother before her worsening condition turns into your ultimate nightmare... My prayers are with you 💓

yes, she's been visited by the psych dept several times throughout her yearlong ordeal (apparently this is standard procedure to monitor depression during an unusually long stay). I, personally, was never in the room during any of these visits, but I was told, by my mother, that they said there was nothing wrong with her. I found that she had been put her on meds like Lyrica for nerve pain, and others that also had anti-psychotic effects. these drugs mostly made her sleepy or even catatonic, she didn't do well on them, but no one was able to tell me if they were primarily for relief of severe nerve pain, or for psychiatric purposes.
I don't think I could have a conversation about this with her doctor, she can be absolutely charming with others when she wants, he would never understand this side of her.
this situation seems hopeless to me. but I do appreciate your reply : )

TREADING WATER HI!
Just letting you know your not alone everything you write about your mom is exactly what I am going through except my mom is living with me now. She argues over everything I cannot have a conversation with her without arguing or she is a know it all. She was in a retirement home but the rent was increasing to $500.00 and I pay her pharmacy bills and her health insurance. And cannot pay for the increase of her rent. Anyways I am beside my self. Just wanted you to know how much our stories are able. Hope things get better for you.

Has she been seen by a geriatric psychiatrist? This might give you a handle on what is going on mentally with her, and there might meds that would ameliorate her condition. If nothing else, you might get some insight from the doctor about how to handle her demandingness.

As you have surmised, this is not normal behavior. Surviving terrible health crises does not make a "normal" person mean and self centered. Age DOES seem to shrink one's mental universe, so that elder's often don't see the effect of their demands on others, but what you're talking about sounds like a more serious, situation, perhaps a mental disorder.

I, too, am caring for an incapacitated parent. my mother (who is 75) was just released from spending a year in the hospital & rehab. she has deep leg wounds, mobility issues and overall poor conditioning due to being institutionalized for a year. I brought her home and moved back in with her to care for her. during her year away, I had been looking for more suitable accommodations for the two of us to live together, as her house is way too small, and does not work for wheelchairs, walkers or handicap bathing. during our brief time at home together, I have been waiting on her hand and foot (and, btw, my foot is broken, and it's just getting worse). she has been mean, callous and ungrateful. however, she's fabulous with others. I am at a loss, I have bent over backwards to make sure that she had the best possible care in the hospital and rehabs. I tend to her every need, cooking all her favorite meals, buying her special things to lift her spirits, etc. I'm thinking now that all of this may have been a mistake as she is so cruel and selfish, thinking only of her own needs. how can one blame her, really, she's endured so much this last year. she was on the brink of death many times, and yet she pulled through each time. I feel terrible even posting this, but I don't know, mentally or physically, how much more I can take, and if moving in together permanently (as she needs a lot of care) is the right thing to do. throughout her life, I was repeatedly told (by friends who are healthcare workers) that she was manic or bipolar, however she was never formally diagnosed. whatever negative personality traits she exhibited in the past have come to the surface now tenfold. any thoughts or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

l

It's powerful to know that I do not love my mother. I separated (no-contact/no-communication) from my nasty mother and toxic family over a year ago. I grieved hard. Who was there to emotionally beat me to a pulp? I learned recently through a lawyer through my mother is seriously ill and refusing all help and treatment.
She is desperately trying to enter my life again, and even thousands of miles away, listening to her by phone, I am left crippled in the fetal position again by phone. The no-contact has to been reinstated.
A dysfunctional toxic bond tied us together. A lot of people talk about feeling guilty about hating their mothers who abuse them. Actually, what tied me to my mother is carrying her shame. And that is a heavy, horrible load to carry. It infiltrates me. I don't have to carry her shame anymore. I am much happier without my mother in my life. I am AMAZING, BEAUTIFUL, and TALENTED person without her shame.

Your mother has dementia. Read about it, learn to accept the fact that her brain is broken and that she can no longer process complex story lines even about her own life. Leave the family drama on the doorstep. And better, get yourself a therapist who can help you resolve the issues you have with your family without confronting her.

If you can't separate your sad past and visiting and caring for your mom is making you ill, then resign your POA, if that is what keeps you coming back. I'm not sure I understand why someone in an AL needs hands on care a week or two out of every month, unless your mom needs a higher level of care.

Have you asked the staff about how she is when you're not there? Is it possible she's happy as a clam, going to activities and such the rest of the time and is only grumpy when she has an audience ? Does the staff laugh off her comments as the sad products of a demented brain, as you should?

I hope you can find some peace in this situation.

My 88 year old mother is in an Assisted Living Facility for 1 year now. She has a form of dementia and has short term memory loss. I am 64 years old and live in another state from her. I am her care taker and handle all of her finances, medical needs and everything for her. Although I have two other siblings that live in the same city that she does, I am the one that takes care of her. She has become a very bitter person and it is difficult to be around her at times. She dislikes the food at the ALF and talks bad about the cna's and the nurses at the facility. When you try to address and issue about something she said to another family member, she calls the person a liar. I recently found out after 63 years of life that my oldest sibling is not my sibling. When I confronted my mother about this, she told me that I should not be bringing up this issue at all. She told me to get a dna test completed if I chose to do so. When I confronted her in the presence of my oldest sibling, she told me" see how you are upsetting your sister on this subject"? She would not tell her who her father was but blamed me instead. My mother asked to be removed from her house because she was being financially abused and verbally abused by my other sibling. Now she blames me for getting her out of this abusive environment. She tries to say things to my middle sibling and her family about me to make me look like the bad person. She says things to me about my middle sibling and her family but she never says anything about our older sibling. This is the child of a 1st love of my mother. I am the only one that has stepped up to the plate to take care of my mother. My older and middle sister and families will no step up to the plate to take care of her. However, it gets more stressful every day to handle her financial and personal needs especially when she complains about everything I do for her. She makes excuses for my older sister because her family have some health issues that are being addressed. As I do not live in the same state, I travel each month and remain there from 1 to 2 weeks sometime to take care of her, take her to the doctor, take care of her personal needs, etc. I am trying to be a respectful daughter but I do not know how long I can continue to do so. I was so stressed today because when I spoke to my mom that I had been working on getting her medication correct all day told me that she had not eaten today. Then she told me the staff did not bring her dinner, In reality however my mom was to order a substitute meal today but she did not . In reality she had eaten some broth but led me to believe otherwise. She makes statements about the people that work at the ALF that are very ugly to upset me as I do not like to call people fat, ugly and racial remarks. What can I do in this case? Stop visiting her each month, stop calling her several times a day? How can I be a loving caring daughter? And keep my sanity? This relationship has not helped my marriage as of late.

You shouldn't feel guilt your mum has always been that way she chose to act the way she does I have had the same problem all my life because of a bitter nasty selfish woman who has made my life a misery most of the time.
I used to go back and forth continuously to hope in my heart I would get a glimpse of niceness of her but she has never changed I've been depressed,anxious had to see a councillor because the way she has made me feel in life she would beat me and call me names and how I was a b****** and she should have left me with my dad who left when I was 6 weeks old.
Now she is 74 and I am 48 I now realise that she will never be the mum I wanted I actually don't like her as a person I pity her for all she has missed out on myself and kids who she barely knows I now talk to her now and again and try to rise above her bitterness and hate but now won't hesitate for a moment to cut her out my life in a second if she starts being abusive toward me again which she had done for years I think she knows now that I am not willing to tolerate her.
The last time I told her on the phone there was no need for her to act the way she did and I was sick of it I hung up and never spoke to her for two weeks she forgets that everyone had their own life and problems but to her its all about her she does not care about anyone apart from herself.
It hurts when you want a normal mother bit it hurts more to have to put up with her behaviour and the adverse affects it has on us who find it hard to cope with it.

You have your own life to consider you only get one shot of it no matter what even if they are family members it shouldn't matter to earn respect they must be able to give it out never feel guilty ever live your life for you now and the people who love you.

Countrymouse,

My wife has her PhD in Social Psychology and she had a time getting her freedom. Education was not enough. Her mom had made her a partner and an eternal child long ago.

Now that is strange, but she probably knows too little about BPD from her statement to really know what she's getting into. She's going to get hoovered into some F.O.G. so fast that she want know what hit her and her husband might have a hard time seeing her because of the F.O.G. in her head. That's one reason she is going to need a therapist.

Here's how I see this breaking down.

1. SIL's enmeshment plut BPD mom will captivate SIL for it sounds like the F.O.G. is strong with mom.

Sorry, but it helps to put it this way so it does not sound so overwhelmingly serious. It is very serious!

2. Wifey "SIL" will become more and more engulfed by the F.O.G. and begin to feel like she lives in the world of Oz and no longer in Kansas unless she gets a therapist to help her overcome the F.O.G. and keep her feet in Kansas.

3. If "wifey" keeps on this path unaided, then "hubby" will begin to feel emotionally abandoned and less married to his wife for there will basically two in "wifey's head", her and her mom. That will make him feel like he's married to more than one person that that there's now three where there use to be 2.

4. As "wifey" spirals down deeper into the F.O.G., hubby will feel a need to speak up. That's where how strong he is will count.

Strong morale fiber is great and will keep him from an affair, but him feeling like he's a single man though married is not his biggest problem at that point.

His biggest problem will be getting "wifey" to talk with him and really listen, if she can." If he could talk with her sooner that wait till this point, she might be more open to listen.

His strong sense of duty could trip him up. 1. He may feel that he just needs to be responsible and not speak up until his pain is just overwhelming. That doesn't help her or him. 2. His sense of duty may make him feel like trying to be her knight in shinning armor who rides in on the white horse to rescue the dasmal in distress, but that only works in fairy tales.

There are three important things for him to know. 1. he didn't make his wife enmeshed with his MIL nor did he make her how she is. 2. He can's control either one of them 3. He can't fix either one of them.

What he's got to do is find a healthier path for him to walk regardless of what others do or do not do. That's tough, but that's reality. .

5. If "wifey" gets completely lost, then everything else may be lost.

As far as wifey goes, she'll get depressed, anxious, frustrated, bitter, angry and at some point feel like she's lost. If it goes on long enough with her not getting any help she will be lost like my SIL is right now.

Bottom lines is "hubby's" don't like these dynamics anymore than "wifey's" when they have to deal with them. The emotions of decreased intimacy, abandonment, and the awareness of a third person's presence is the same, but men want normally say it directly. We have other ways to act out our hurt feelings. Basically from what I've seen women talk about their feelings, men act out their feelings if they are not comfortable talking about them.

I hope this helps. What I meant by is your brother strong is not about his morale fiber or sense of responsibility, but can he and will he stand up for himself. Backing her up with be good and important, but he can only do so much. It's her war, not his battle. She can 't hide behind his pants and she can't make him look like her to go fight her war.

Take care!

CMag, you'll love this: my SIL is a consultant psychiatrist. Or she was until a couple of weeks ago, anyway, when she resigned her post.

I think I mentioned this anecdote in the dysfunctional families thread - I asked her what she could tell me about BPD and she said "I know it has a very poor prognosis - why? Who do you know who's got BPD?"

Her husband, bless him and thank God for him, has the strongest moral fibre and most profound sense of duty of anyone I know. He is a rock. He won't let her down. But she called me yesterday evening - we were on the phone for nearly an hour - and I just have a sinking feeling that her head is about to explode and it may be that there isn't anything he can do except wait and clear up afterwards.

I'm going to give her a call and see how she's doing.

CyndiT,

Good!

It's the thread that has a definition of emotional abuse, where it comes from, who does it. why it is so powerful, how to defeat it and why it defeats some.

I've shared this in other one place but given your situation, I'll share this here. I think think lay beneath much of the enmeshment issues that go along with this that we have to fight our way out of to stop the blackmail dance.

Here are my four levels of enmeshment that I’ve seen in children of borderline and narcissistic parents.

You just might be able to find online articles on these four categories or types.

1. The eternal child who has been groomed by a parent to always respond like they are still the little girl or little boy. Technically that is called infantalism. I have a relative who is still in bondage by this in her early 60's and somehow her marriage has lasted, but not well. She's been to therapy, but quit. She at times wants someone else to fight her war for her, but she want fight.

2. The hurting child. They seek to compensate for something that was absent from their childhood. They very often will endure abuse that not one else would in order to possibly see the parent become the loving, non-abusive parent that the never were. Sad to say, but they never will despite all presumptive hope that they will be the exception

3. The parent/child. The overly responsible parent/child who is groomed emotionally to feel responsible for the parent almost as if there were their parent. That's called parentification.

4. The partner child. This is called covert incest. In my opinion this is the absolute deepest and by far the hardest to get out of.

All can be gotten out of with effort and the help of a therapist. But like those above they have to hit a point of desperation that something needs to change and they are not sure what.

The partner child is when a parent makes a child their emotional partner either because the spouse is gone because of divorce or death.

Some do this with a child because they are not getting such emotional support from their spouse and it is easier to do this than deal with the marriage problems. Very often in this relationship the parent will share things with the child that should never be said. I have a very close relative that this happened to. Their same sex parent told them all about their sex like with their other parent. I'm surprised they got their own life and got married, but I'm glad they did.

From my observations and what my therapist tells me there are more partner adutl/children and partner children than we realize. I think that's all I'll say about that.

Countrymouse,

Great question that has been asked a lot.

Unless she sees the light of her enmeshement and her eternal seeking for mom's approval which she's extremely unlikely to ever get despite how much she sacrifices. She sounds a lot like my SIL who has two master degrees, and did well in her field of work. However, she is about to break under the strain of a borderline which queen also. Her worshipfullness demand a lot from her slave/eternal child/adult/daughter as well as her husband who is very tired of the enmeshment but is too weak

My SIL was seeing a therapist, not following her advice and then stop seeing her because she said that her insurance would not cover it. Lie! We have the same policy with the same company. She just could not bring herself to do things to protect herself.

My wife can't afford to be sucked into that drama for she fought her way out of it and has been told to stay a 3 hour drive away from her mom and to never be the hands on, direct caregiver for her mother.I can't get drug into it for my SIL want be a time to be the substitute strong dad she never had or the substitute strong husband that she does not have because she chose someone more like her dad.

I tried the route of fighting my wife's battle for her, but that did not set her free. It was not until a few years into therapy when she was faced with a situation on her own that the major light bulb went off and she started making changes.

Both she and her husband need to be in therapy which is the standard advice for anyone dealing with a family member with borderline personality disorder. If they want go, he should go for he's going to need the support and guidance they can provide. For example, I was setting boundaries with my wife and family for our own protections which my wife agreed to and then broke because of her enmeshment with her mom, which surprise but my wife experienced some consequences from. He may have to do something similar too.

What kind of personality is her husband and how strong is he?

What frustrates me very much about my SIL is that about 14 years ago, I went over with her the basic information about BPD, actually showed her segments of books that I loaned her like Understanding the Borderline Mother. So, she sees what this has done and is doing to her marriage plus knows the therapist is right, but she's seeking for mom to be someone she isn't and is not going to be. Plus she's enmeshed with her mom like and eternal, infantalized child/adult who is still viewed as a child and like a parentfitied child/adult who is to act like she is her mom's parent, her mom to take care of her all under a twisted view of honor thy parents.

Does she know her mother has BPD? Do you think giving her the book Understanding the borderline mother might get read and help? There are two more helpful books if she's interested. One is a book about not walking on eggshells and the other is the workbook. Maybe your brother would gain from reading those three books.

I wish I had answer that fit neatly in a bottle. If I did, I would have a lot of money.

Keep in touch.

CyndiT,

Our narcissistic parents groomed us to feel guilty so that they could emotionally blackmail us. Look up the emotional blackmail thread on this site.

The way out involved detaching from the emotional blackmail dance and usually get a therapist because those emotional buttons are planted rather deep.

It's hard labor but worth it on the other side. Some never try out of fear or other reasons while others get part way there and they just don't have the professional and non professional support to keep their MO high.

It does take a clear focus on taking no prisoners in pursuing your as well as a damn the torpedoes passion like that Navy Admiral who said that on the way to victory for the torpedoes did not explode.

Good luck and keep in touch.

I'm just musing, but I wonder…

When you are a small dependant child, it is vitally important to you to please your parents, but especially your mother. That is biological strategy, the appealing qualities of the infant.

Scroll forward a few decades, and although you are a grown woman with any number of accomplishments and abilities under your belt, that person there is still your mother. If old habits die hard, then the habits you formed from birth must die extremely hard, if ever. And if your mother is the type whom you can never hope to satisfy, you're on an endless treadmill of trying and failing to please her. Hence the habit of guilt.

If anyone knows how this can be overcome would they please bottle it and distribute it. I'm currently anxious about my SIL who has just resigned her job and seems to me to be rushing headlong towards a major breakdown. Her mother is a classic BPD Queen with Witch moments and my SIL is so deeply enmeshed that I'm completely stumped - how do I help her husband winkle her out of this bind without hurting her? Rhetorical question, really; I've been puzzling over this for thirty plus years and I'm no further forward.

GinBuse,

Thanks for getting back with us and I'm glad things were not as bad as you certainly did sound. I also found the statement "I'm ready to go overdose her with my insulin! " a bit alarming. That made you sound like a danger to others.

Your health insurance website should be able to tell you who in your area is covered by your policy. I would look for someone who is a LCSW, Licensed Clinical Social Worker. I like them because they are trained to be aware of social dynamics like what goes in a family system and in clinical stuff of what goes on inside of people. So, it's like the best of both worlds. In your situation, you don't need someone right out of school. Also, if there are any difference who which gender you find the easiest to open up to, go with that. There are some women because of their background experiences who frankly do better talking to a female therapist because their knee jerk reaction to a man is to clam up. Some men have similar issues.

BTW, what anti-depressants are you on and how long have you been taking them.

Anyway, suicidal ideation or thoughts need to be watched closely. If they become specific, like an actual plan, then you do need 911.

Take care and keep in touch.

Java, that's a horrible story. Consider trying to find a battered/abused women's shelter or other program that would help you get back on your feet and out of range of Mom's toxicity. She may be depressed, but she sounds like a long-time narcissist, and she may be getting dementia on top of it. That's going nowhere good, and you need to have the upper hand and not be dependent on her in any way before you try to actually help her with any of her problems.

Gin - Try another therapist. The one you got sounds like she just didn't get it.

Thank you for your comments. Seriously - I don't think I'm at the point where I need to call 911. I'm a pretty strong person - just the thought is there because it seems like the only way to get out of this situation. I was referred to the therapist I saw by my primary care physician. Any ideas how to find someone who actually knows what this is like? Also - thanks for the tip. Looking up emotional blackmail right now.

Your sister is not there and does not see what you are going through every day. I would not vent to her. I would vent here and with a therapist.

I hope you have already called 911.

GinBuse,

Please call 911 now. You're in a bad place and you need professional help. Contact friends and family also to get their support.

You need to see a psychiatrist to manage your depression meds in the future, but right now you need immediate help through calling 911.

There is also a possibility that your diabetes meds need adjusting but more likely your anti depressants.

Your therapist is a jerk for laughing at you and saying that is just how things are between mothers and daughters. They must have issues of their own in that area.!!

You need a new therapist. What kind of therapist were they? Some are not very well trained.

"I'm just so sick or her controlling me like she does." That is not normal, healthy, mom/daughter stuff. That's emotional blackmail which is abuse. Please look up emotional blackmail on this site.

First of all dial, 911 for help because currently you are a danger to yourself! Call now!!

Oops. Forgot to mention that my sister lives on the East coast and I'm in California. I call her to vent, but I am the only one here.

I, too, am dealing with my elderly mother and I'm contemplating suicide. I find no joy in anything anymore. All she does is complain, complain, complain, talk bad about everyone we know and I'm just so sick or her controlling me like she does. My sister says she loves her and doesn't want anything to happen to her, but I cannot honestly say I even feel love for her anymore. She tells me off, argues about anything I say, and yet wants me to call her every day. I just don't know what to do. She is very healthy, very little dementia, and will soon be 94 years old. I'm ready to go overdose her with my insulin! Talked to a therapist who laughed at me and said that was just the way it is between mothers and daughters - so didn't go back. Told my doctor, and I am on anti-depressants, blood pressure meds, and dealing with my diabetes. What can I do??