She has dominated her childrens' lives with little concern for anyones' feeling but her own. She is now in a wonderful assisted living and her dementia (I think) has illuminated her personality into a person who I can no longer bear to be around. She has again managed to alienate everyone around her with her insults and insensitivity. She is nasty and uncooperative with the aids (who are wonderful) And complains, complains, complains about everyone, everything and blames my sister and myself for the air she breathes. I am sick of her and I don't want to visit her anymore and don't feel that my adult children need to be manipulated like I was and be around her negative attitude anymore. I hate feeling obligated to have her at my house as I have every holiday of our lives and force my children to "tolerate" her for my sake. The guilt is unbearable but I feel that now being 60 years old I would like to feel that this person does not dominate my whole life. I would like to have a happy holiday for a change and have my children WANT to come home (without Grandma always there)
There has never been any pleasing her before and now she sends me into bouts of depression that I have a hard time shaking. Am I alone? I feel like a selfish person but I don't like her now and never did before. The guilt is killing me.
U.S. Child Abuse Statistics
Child abuse statistics on the approximately 1.8 million reports of child abuse investigated by Child Protective Services in fiscal year 2010 include:
436,321 child abuse reports were substantiated
24,976 child abuse reports were likely true but could not be proven under the law (indicated)
1,262,188 child abuse reports were found to be unsubstantiated (not provable under the law)
Approximately 60% of the child abuse reports were made by professionals, while 9% were reported anonymously and parents reported only 6.8%.
Child Abuse Facts: Who Was Abused
Children of all ages and backgrounds are abused in the United States every year.
Approximately 9.2 children out of 1000 were found to be abused in fiscal year 2010 (some of those children being abused more than once within that year).
Other child abuse statistics include:
Victims less than one year old had the greatest rate of child abuse with more than 2% of children being victims of child abuse
Girls were victimized slightly more often than boys at 51.2%
88% of victims were of ethnicity:
African-America – 21.9%
Hispanic – 21.4%
White – 44.8%
It is a jaw-dropping child abuse fact that approximately 1560 children died of abuse or neglect in the United States that year.
As in previous years, most children suffered from neglect. Statistics on the type of child abuse include:
Approximately 78% of child abuse victims suffered child neglect
Approximately 18% of child abuse victims suffered childhood physical abuse
Approximately 9% of child abuse victims suffered childhood sexual abuse
Child Abuse Statistics on Child Abusers
Child abuse statistics show that there were 510,824 child abuse perpetrators in fiscal year 2010 and a significant number of them committed more than one act of child abuse. Statistics on perpetrators of child abuse include:
Parents were responsible for more than 80% of child abuse and neglect cases
Other family members were responsible for 6.1% of the child abuse
Women are the perpetrators of child abuse more frequently than men at 53.6%
36.3% of perpetrators of child abuse were between the ages of 20 and 29
More than 80% of perpetrators of child abuse were between the ages of 20 and 49
APA Reference
Tracy, N. (2021, December 17). Child Abuse Statistics and Facts, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2022, September 19 from www dot healthyplace.com/abuse/child-abuse-information/child-abuse-statistics-and-facts.
The unknown is the real number of male victims of abuse since that tends to be greatly under-reported and often not believed to be true.
so…
dear abused daughters,
please don’t listen to all the garbage, lies, brainwashing, psychological warfare against you. you’re the opposite of what they say/said to you.
hug!!! i totally understand you.
i wish you to totally heal — i wish us all to totally heal. we deserve it.
you’re very kind - and of course because you’re very kind, you never abandoned your mother (even though she was abusive).
many years of abuse/toxicity by both your mother (106!!) and sister.
——
i only realized in 2020 (after my brother said something to me), that he’s identical to my abusive mother. (i thought he was a bit better).
i have 3 brothers: all toxic/abusive.
“To continue, I needed much distance - emotional and geographical - for healing, and to remove myself from the abuse asap when I was, by necessity, closer.”
i totally understand. in fact, i normally live somewhere else (not on purpose; not to get away; but because that’s where i live). i’m currently visiting, helping - out of necessity. i can do many things from a distance, but certain problems really must be done with me physically here.
“I am 85 now and finally free from the toxicity.”
THANK GOODNESS you’re free. awful you were forced to wait many years, till liberation.
you know, the more i think about it, the more it REALLY is liberation. what these abusive mothers are doing to us is WAR.
psychological war. and just like in war, you (golden), experienced LIBERATION.
that also means that i’m still in the middle of being attacked, by my mother waging war against me.
“Lifetime relationships with abusive people cause much harm. Healing takes work, support, and time in a safe environment.”
totally agree, and as we’re both saying, one hurt/abuse gets piled onto the last hurt/abuse. when can one heal?
i wish us to heal.
one thing i should do, is have a clear image in my mind of what a healed-me looks like. then i know if i’m approaching the goal.
some of us don’t even realize how damaged we are by years of abuse: we know of course, that it’s affected us. but we might not realize the full extent.
i wish us all to achieve FULL healing, asap. time is of the essence.
please don’t listen to all the brain-washing from the psychological warfare. you’re/we’re the opposite of what they say/said.
hug!!
bundle of joy (normally i really am)
That was my experience, If you can achieve detachment with compassion, the harm is lessened. To continue, I needed much distance - emotional and geographical - for healing, and to remove myself from the abuse asap when I was, by necessity, closer. Hence staying in hotels and visiting infrequently. There was a point when I didn't answer any phone calls as all of them were very abusive. Mother was being well cared for by others and if there had been an emergency I trusted the staff to contact me. Many of her "crises" were self induced.
Healing is coming now as mother passed a few years ago (age 106) and I cut contact with my sister (similar to mother and they worked the abuse together) once the estate business, totally handed by mother's lawyer by my direction as executrix, was finished. I am 85 now and finally free from the toxicity. I have questioned myself if it was wise and kind to me to stay in contact, be POA and executrix. It wasn't. The overriding factor for me was that my sister would have taken over mother's care if I had removed myself, and I would not have wanted my worst enemy to have that experience. She had clearly demonstrated that she was interested in mother's money, not her welfare. I didn't care about the money but I did care for mother as another human being, if nothing else.
Lifetime relationships with abusive people cause much harm. Healing takes work, support, and time in a safe environment.
part of the problem with a toxic/abusive/narc parent, is that it never stops. and while you’re busy healing from the most recent insult/scream/etc., you get insulted again. you never get a chance to really heal.
what to do while being abused?
sometimes earplugs might work - but there’ll always be a moment, where you must communicate with your abusive parent (unless you totally cut contact), and that’s when you’ll be abused — forever until they die.
i think, sometimes ignoring insults is a good idea. but i don’t think it’s a good idea all the time. sometimes you must stand up against the insults. correct the facts, defend yourself.
it’s damaging to your mind to hear constant insults, and just stay silent.
it would be nice if there’s a great technique against verbal abuse - but in the end, the fact is, all this abuse damages you.
most likely you’ll notice it on your body/face. most likely putting on weight, comfort eating in the middle of this psychological war against you, by your parent.
maybe it helps to understand what’s going on:
it’s a war. they’re psychologically waging war against you.
——
it’s also some sort of competition. the abusive parent is competing against you. very often it’s mother against daughter; and the mother is trying to say that she’s better than her daughter. every insult is an attempt at destroying the daughter’s self-esteem.
——
since it is a war against you, it means there’s a “winner” and “loser”.
if you’re unhappy, all worked up (justifiably) by the insults, angry, getting fat…
your abuser feels like they’re “winning”.
Good for you refusing to play your mother's abusive games.
The games stop when the players stop.
You are the absolute opposite of a "wimp". A wimp will quietly go along with mommy's abuse and obey her every command. You're not doing that and good for you.
hug!
“I told her my heart can't take all the negativity and yelling. She told me I was a "wimp" yesterday.”
awful.
what she’s doing is, psychological warfare.
she’s waging war against you. hence you can never fully relax. and then she’ll wage another war, and another, and again.
BUT while I can't change her, I don't know how to help myself move forward - I'm burnt out, emotionally drained, exhausted, anxious and stressed out all by the one person who is supposed to love me the most in this world.
funny...well not really but, I've written her obit half a dozen times in preparation of that day...I can't find anything nice to say about her. I can't say she loved her sister - she no longer talks to her, or her grandchildren - other than mine, they don't talk to her.
It's an awful time. You all know what it's like and I'm just grateful to find a place to get some thoughts out of my head and onto this keyboard.
Now that he’s dead, she will have to have someone to hate on. It’s me. I blocked her, a sister and a stoner brother when I left MY DAD’S house for the final time. She now tells others she hates me, she disowns me (hallelujah!), I’m a drug addict (I showed zero emotion for her stupid manipulative games while dad was actively dying) and I’ve been on an anti-depressant for 13 years.
She has “one beer” everyday on her porch. Magically there will be 3 cans hidden behind the cushions for her “one beer”. She is wickedly cruel behind everyone’s back always stirring up trouble (especially between the four adult children) and then plays ignorant when things blow up. I hate her. I always hoped my dad would outlive her and find a woman who would treat him with kindness.
My dad and I had a special bond. When I came to his house for his final days (to make sure he died a dignified and comfortable death) he asked, “So you think I’m going to die?” I said, “Yes. No one here gets out alive. But I don’t think you’re going to die today!” I asked him, “Are you Ok, Dad?” He replied, “F#*& No!” And we laughed.
I never saw my mother kiss him as many times as she did when he was dying and unresponsive. LOUD kisses on his open mouth. “Don’t leave me! You can’t leave me!” Made me sick. She did everything she could to make him miserable his whole life. Lied about everything. Complained about everything. Nothing he ever gave her was enough. How many times did I hear her say, “I DESERVE (whatever someone else had that was better than what my dad gave her) that!
I really think you have deserved every right to have a peaceful Christmas without your nasty mother there ruining it. Shut that door to the past nastiness she brought. Lock it. I’m now 63. I slammed that door shut and it’s locked. I helped my dad die a pain free death. I watched him going through the transition of the spiritual release and I smiled. I was happy for him. It was beautiful. I’m the only one who stayed up all night long giving him the meds every two hours. I feel good about helping him die peacefully no matter how many doors and drawers my mother would slam when she was awake trying to make him stay awake too.
Be proud of how many years you tolerated her hate and now get rid of it. Hateful people seem to live forever. You earned a peaceful time in your and your children’s lives!
My dad passed away 6 years ago, and since his passing, the mental abuse has gotten worse. My brothers turned against each other, all of them turned against me, and I've been threatened by all 3 and assaulted by one just for trying to help in situations I've been asked to help in.
My mother has always loved my brothers more than me, she's blamed me for all her failures and blames me for my brothers' narcissism.
The only person in my family that ever showed respect for me was my dad, he was my hero.
My mother would take responsibility for all my achievements, and claim had it not been for her, I wouldn't have achieved all the things I've worked hard for my entire life. I never ONCE borrowed money from her, in fact, I've given her more money back when she'd give me money for birthdays and Christmases. I want nothing from her and asked her to remove me from her will because I am deathly scared of my brothers.
They are all gaslighting me and threatening to have me Baker acted for no reason. I've had a career for 32 years and retired, started another career, have owned 2 homes on my own, own a small business and work a 9-5, and never once needed anything from anyone.
Recently, she spent the weekend at my house and I asked her to call when she got home like I always do. It was 45 minutes and she still had not called, she wouldn't answer my calls so I jumped in my car and drove to her house. There was a car in the driveway I did not recognize and the gate was open
I walked toward the gate and called out Mom? I heard a blood curdling scream, and I mean it wasn't a normal scream of being spooked. I yelled out Mom! And there she was with my younger, evil brother that calls himself satan and his friend that he's insulted so many times. She turned around and said " you scared me!" Completely overplayed..I said "you couldn't have called?" ..and i walked to my car and tried to leave. She came up to the car, after she made me out to be the bad guy in front of the boys, and said she didn't have a chance to call. I said whatever as long as you're ok. I get a call later with her screaming at me, telling me she's old enough to take care of herself and why did I have to call her friend and drive over? I said I had to go and hung up. She called back again and asked if I wanted to come over, I said no I have to work early. That night I received a text from my brother's friend telling me that I need therapy and there's something wrong with me because I was worried about my mom.
I know my mother like the back of my hand, she made something as innocent as this into something bigger because she knows my brother hates me and she always has to be the center of a man's attention. He lives off of her and he's always been her little baby that can do no harm. I called her and told her what he and his friend did and she didn't want to hear it again. She lost her mind, screaming at me so I hung up.
There is no winning with a narc mother, she will hate you for all your good and embrace all the bad in the kids she loves. I've decided to walk away. The mental abuse, and sometimes physical abuse when my dad wasn't looking, has been enough for me. I don't have family anymore, I've decided to love myself and stop giving to people that have no use for me unless I'm giving.
It's taken me my entire life to get to where I am emotionally. I've always loved my mom and brothers despite the abuse, but truthfully, I don't like them as people. They are the most narcissistic, gas lighting, inhuman, dark souls I've ever met.
My dad was an angel and even they've talked bad about him.
Walk away, don't let your mother steal everything left in you. My mother has ruined my relationships with boyfriends, friends and family members, all out of jealousy.
My mother on the other hand has been nasty and controlling all her life, she is verbaly abusive to my farther and until she became bed bound was on occasions physically violent towards him.
She controls from weakness, crys when challenges to her viewpoint are made.
I have never got on with my mother and being an only child have no sibling support.
Fortunathly, I do not, and have never suffered from depression, but I can sympathise with your situation and fully understand how looking after your mother could bring on bouts of depresson.
My father is 91 and my mother 81 so whilst my father is at end of life my mother could go on like this for ten plus years, and I am sure her nastiness will only grow with advancing years.
Please try and shed that guilt, as carers we only do what we do. I am sure you do all you can in a tricky situation and don't neglect your relationship with your children because of your mother.
I know what it's like because I've had to deal with it. For a few years I was working full-time for two invalid, incontinent dementia clients.
One crapped and peed all over the place on the way to the bathroom. Then overflow the toilet with paper. It would be flowing all over the floor for me like a geiser of toilet water, piss, and watery crap. Talk about Old Faithful... The other would get on the portable commode next to her bed in the living room, crap her brains out, then tip it over daily right onto the already filthy wall-to-wall carpeting trying to get up from it. I finally just put her in diapers. She was none too pleased, but it was the only way
Then after my paying workday was done I could come home to my mother's sh*t bucket filled brimming with a whole days worth of pee and crap. Then deal with her anxiety flip-outs and fight insitgating until bedtime.
I get you, sister. Believe me I do.
Please consider some in-home caregiving help. Or even putting your mother in a nursing home for a bit of a respite break. Yu do not have to be her caregiver anymore. You don't have to and maybe she's at the point where she needs to be in a facility. She sounds like too much for one person.
Also, stop trying to take her out, or do things with her, or give her things she might enjoy.
Like my mother, yours doesn't want to enjoy anything. She doesn't want any joy or pleasure or even hope in her life.
They only want disappointment, misery, discord, sadness, and resentment.
Stop breaking your own heart over and over again trying to please her or trying to get her to enjoy something. It's not going to happen. You deserve better.
Please for your sake look into some homecare or placement. Good luck.
I think one of the biggest problems is her incontinence. She manages to pee or poop in the bed or on the floor and without a doubt her foot is always rubbed right in it. She came home from hospital and they stupidly didn't take out her Foley catheter. Nurse came and removed it next day. Well, I went to check on her later that night, and there was brown liquid all over the bed pad, all over the sheets, all over her and she has her hand moving around in it and of course her foot. I had to get the bed pad off the bed, get her diaper off, put a towel on the fitted sheet because of the mess, put a new sheet on top and try to clean her up. What an absolute mess. I did laundry with bleach to get it all out. Supposedly it was old blood, that is why it was brown, from the catheter. This is what I deal with. To all those who tell me they know it's hard. No, actually you don't know, because you have never had to deal with it.
Thank you for the bravery of sharing your story! For a minute I thought we had the same mother!!! My mom has dementia, I've been staying at her place and caring for her since the night her neighbors called me and told me she was "wandering" out in front of her apartment building at 1am. My mom and I have never had the typical loving mother-daughter relationship. Nothing I did was ever good enough, she always made me feel less than! Now she needs help, my siblings aren't available, so, tag, I'm "it"!! She has these mean and horrible episodes where she accuses me (or some non-existing thief) of stealing her money, moving her things around (which she does in her "other" mind and then doesn't remember moving them). It has been rough and I'm realizing I can't do this anymore. So it's like a breath of fresh air to read someone else's story and reminds me that I'm not alone. Thank you!
I am glad you found this helpful. Is there any way to get him or you two into therapy if he sees his mother as the problem also? There is an emotional dance going on there and she prepped him for the dance. She will never cease to want to dance, but he must dance with you and stop dancing with her. That will be hard to do. If he will not go to therapy with you or on his own, please go for yourself which may, in turn, help him. I found it helpful. Once I started setting up boundaries and not letting her hide behind my pants from her mom, then things started to change.
Our home life is loving, warm and peaceful when we are not in touch with her.
This story makes my blood boil for it's the same as my MIL did to my wife who finally stood up to her mom when she witnessed her abused our boys exactly like she had abused her and her sister.
Frankly, my friend, your husband needs to hear clearly that he must deside who he is married to. You or his mom. There is a good book that might help you with this. The title is When He's Married to Mom: How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment Paperback March 13, 2007 by Kenneth M. Adams
As Dr. Adams wrote in his other book, it sounds like your husband has been silently seduced by his mom to be her emotional partner.
Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners.
I've been there and my wife was there.
Someone needs to write a book When she's married to mom because it is the same dynamic.