My mom has been a miserable, nasty, and hateful person all her life. As a mother she has dominated every aspect of her children's life.

My evil yet yes, biological mother is fighting me at the hospital to bring my father back home. He needs full time nursing care and she will not give him that - I am medical decision maker but she has convinced Dad that he is fine to go home (advanced silicosis, bowel movements in pants during the night, barely eats and has a max six month life expectancy). I cannot look after him alone and go "hose him off and change his diapers (no that this would bother me) in the middle of the night and drive to their home, do all that, get home and have enough sleep so I can get my son to school (He is only in Grade 5 and 11 years old). She phones me yesterday and says that I am selfish and I don't want to help my dad (I do all of his laundry and go to the hospital pretty much daily, shave him, wash him up, cut his fingernails and toenails -everything like a personal PSW and spoon feed him pudding on the bad days, bring him "home cooked food -his faves so he will eat as in talking bits of bacon from my fingertips and feeding it to him like a bird". Now Dad looks good so she thinks he is fine but he is only looking fine because of all I do and what the nurses and PSW's do at the hospital!!! I am losing my hair literally because of all the stress and I use Bepto Bismal as a pre-drink and chaser to my ulcer drugs!!! ...and she gave all of us that are still alive PSST! The nerve -DO I WANT TO DO SOMETHING FOR MY FATHER???!!" ...AUGHHHHHHH!!!!!~~~~~~~~~Help me so I do not lose what is left of my marbles someone!!! I have had it!!!!

Hi all. These posts hit home so well. I have a nasty mother as well and the one thing that hit me while reading these posts is this: I have decided to do for myself the caretaking that I do for my mother. As of yesterday I have had treatment for hyperthyroidism due to the stress of her and work, etc. So I have decided to focus on myself and I just wanted to pass along mother is not worth it

youtube.watch?v=wo3nB7UpPOw

You will survive and outlive this mean person as their punishment for making your life hell. My younger brother who learned to be mean told me as his last words to "have a nice life"....so I did not join in with the drama and I DID HAVE A NICE LIFE! he died five years later ...miserable. Get rid of toxic people in your life by removing the "audience" that you provide and enable them to capture! You have already proved that you are already that "good girl" or "good boy" that you still think you need to be to them. They will never admit it or give you that pat on the back. It simply is unlikely to come. They might?! ..and some old crows back down as they see the light coming for them but as I have said in previous posts some old mean birds just want to "go down with the ship" and with you "swabbing the deck" as they smile into the face of death going fiercely into that cold dark and really they must be pooping their pants at this point because they are definitely not getting through the Pearly Gates with ST. Peter if you know what I mean. No it's the work yard down with "the guy in the red suit" under and I am NOT talking about Santa in Australia! So faced with that "existance" on "the other side" so close at hand, what do you think is running through their minds? It has to still be a so called "fight or flight response" right? They either go with it with you doting over them and embrace the care and give up some control (which is difficult for them) or they get their little granny fists up and put on "their big old girl Depends underwear" and fight until the last breath. When my mother and father were forcibly removed from their beautiful home gone into ruins with feeces, urine, insects, rotting food in the fridge and other attrocities that I had begged to clean up, there was my mother telling the police officer and the psychiatrist who removed her after my dad, that she needed a cigarette first. She smoked that "but" and put it out after about three drags. Then they started injecting her and she was hitting the paramedic over the head with her flashlight (she liked sitting in the dark -yes creepy) and by now I am on the scene as her last ditch attempt to stay in the house (would never have called me otherwise , even if my dad died) and as the doctor is injecting her to calm her down she says and I quote "I never thought this could happen". What? that you could leave my dad to rot and not feed him??!! Bless the CCAC for coming in on this one!

It's all of us together. It takes a village to save a person. No one here is alone and it is very, very important that you all know this and tell your brothers, sisters, relatives, spouses and friends that this is ground unwalked and if I personally need to be the one that walks and sits at the front of the geriatric bus for the rights of those who care for the elderly then hell, hailstones, brimstone and fire, I will fight! I was born on Joan of Ark's b-day so I was probably meant to go down like her. lol. Our system for looking after the aged is bent, broken and absolutely ridiculous for we caregivers and we are the only ones around who can speak for our beloved elderly and tell the truth about the old, mean and wicked. Keep the comments and questions coming and we have power in numbers and more answers as we put our info on here and keep the discussion going. I look forward to reading this post each day and for anyone to dare to put their heart on their sleeves along with me ...this silly heart of mine, that is. YOUtube: SILLYHEART21 "Make A Brand New Day" (if u dig my words then I hope you'll like them more set to my music)

I have sat reading through these comments for a couple of hours now. I've copied some to show to my brothers.
Two of us have finally blocked our Mom's number today.
I've been in therapy for many years but just finding this thread is like 10 years of therapy in one go!
We are NOT ALONE!

Today's been hard. I'm crying pretty much constantly. But I'm finally taking my power back.

Thank you to all of you!

You said it Sis'ta! ..Amen and case closed there! Hit the "Reset Button", rip off the rear view mirror and keep going forward with your own lives. You are as patient as my husband is w my mother and I'm not sure I could be that good of a person as he is. I'm good but not that good. I think I might have left me over this. I am so frustrated and have been embarrassed of this woman all of my life. I still have "embers" of her in my heart where I would never bring anyone to the house because she could "ignite" and just burst into flames on my father or me or anyone over anything. I still have a hard time (note she is not here but I have diagnosed PTSS) bringing anyone into the house. I am OK with my son having kids over (I love being the "Koolaid Mom very much) but there is such deep scar tissue there inside me from my childhood. She once told the boy I loved and would have married (had he asked) that (-OMG I'll just put my whole life on the internet here) that I couldn't come to the phone because I had gone somewhere and said other stuff to him and he just got scared off. I met my husband that same year and it all worked out. My mother had done this with my older brother like when he made her angry over something trivial (and he was handicapped with a bad heart since childhood) so she called his financee -He actually got engaged and everything without good life prospects and she told his fiancee that "the wedding was off". He died within a year or so because the girl broke of the engagement and I do not fault her for that. Who wants to marry into a bunch of wackos??!! That might have happened (him dying) anyway but that sure did not help. :(

I to was searching for similar topics. My MIL has alzheimers and has dominated our entire year as we have been forced to go to court for conservatorship. She has been nasty, paranoid and bizarre all her life; I've been around her for 40 years and it is so much worse than we ever thought possible. My husband, her eldest, is the only one stepping up - and he doesn't like her. That said, he will get her into a home eventually. I found out today her license is suspended - in October 2015. Her court-appointed attorney couldn't find it - I got the info with one phone call.

We advised our attorneys to proceed full throttle to full conservatorship as we finally have something tangible to show the court that she is acting without any regard for anyone except her. Her stepdaughters have been advised to go after her with us for negligently handing the family trust as she is closing bank accounts because of paranoia that "nosey people are after her".

We keep getting told "well, it's the disease" - if they haven't met her.
From the ones that know her, we get kudos for hanging in.
We literally want her behind a locked door before she kills someone.
She will be taken care of - but we all won't be beating down a door to visit either.
A miserable life indeed - but those were her choices.
She's lucky to have a son that believes in doing the right thing.

Right on for Sea Dog and Caregiver 75104! If some older parents still want "drama" then a soap opera show is a better choice than disrupting and upsetting our lives. If I fall apart then so do my kids (this is for my mother) as for my father who is in the hospital, there is no problem if I have to be taking his clothes home and laundering them (sometimes out there with the garden hose first if you know what I mean). I think of all the poopy diapers that he did for me so if "icky" laundry is all he needs, a shave (kind of a steep learning curve on using an electric shaver there) then I am pleased to do that. Hey fyi that many hospitals have those pre - warmed up shampoo caps. I swear that when I put one of those on my dad (again bedridden in hospital) and massage his head and then leave it on for five minutes that the circulation in his head increases and then he is more "sparkly" (awake and alert). I'd like it if someone else out there could try this and let me know if they found the same thing with their elderly parent. It's sort of a harmless experiment that I am curious about. Another helpful hint for those new to this is that if you are looking after a parent who appreciates it and you have to do their finger or toe nails, I just get a soak tub (looks like a plastic shoe box) and fill it w body wash and have him (dad) soak his feet for about 5-10 minutes (he thinks this is pretty funny as he was never the pampered type) and I can cut through those toenails. Hospitals do NOT do nails or toe nails generally. I do the same for the finger nails (plastic bin warm water w bodywash) or if I am in a hurry, then you can use two (mouth spit trays -have no idea what the proper name for them is) and put them on the food try with one hand in each -with body wash). This feels like a "day at the spa" for Dad who is forever thankful and says "Yeah that's my daughter and she's looking after me all the time". Therefore, your loved one can be in hospital for lengthy periods of time or in a nursing home and you can still really participate in their care but the advantage is knowing that they are safe at night.

For those of you who have had mean abusive parents/loved ones, dont feel guilty if you have to put them in a home. If you cant visit or care for them, then dont. You are free now to live your life and that is fine. Spend your energy to those who have appreciated you and loved you. What goes around comes around.

I had the same Mother, and I walked away, and I have never looked back... It was the most freeing experience of my life... Be strong, move forward, love your kids and just let go of her forever...

Absolutely. That's the plan-man. I agree that most people are good but man that 1% or how ever small the percentage is of self serving ego maniacs that will throw even their own kin under the bus simply baffles me. Don't worry about me. I'm not a big blood relative kind of person. I was blessed a lovely lady (now passed of breast cancer) that filled my mother's role. She was kind beyond kind so I learned kindness and generosity from her. My mother in law is also very kind but no one gets over that their bio-mom doesn't want or care for them. It would just destroy your inner pysche to believe that so I tell myself that like her many siblings there is mental illness there but it still hurts. I will wear a red dress and stomp on her gravestone (maybe metaphorically but I actually might do it as part of my inner child therapy) though and spit and be glad that she can never never ever hurt me again -kind of like when Jenny threw the rocks at her house in "Forrest Gump". Yes sometimes there are "just not enough rocks to throw to ever heal you" and maybe the damage is done but it will stop here and with me and die within me. My children will never experience this and they have not. I just say Grandma got sick and her brain doesn't work right and now she is mean. They have no true attachment to her so just shrug their shoulders to me and think "OK" -this is how it is. My mother's cruelty will not even be a thought to the next generation and that is what she deserves "take away the audience" *you and your impressionable children) for these nutty old people so they have no one to rant on. They are toxic. Be strong and count on others for your support. Give those mothers from h*ll what they deserve : NO MORE SPACE OR TIME IN YOUR HEAD! If you have to hug yourself then do that or buy a dog that will love you unconditionally which is more than your mother probably ever did.

Sillyheart, an injustice I see done by pop-psych is that it can continue to blame the victim of abuse/neglect, instead of praising. Compassion is an accomplishment that is missing in many victims of abuse/neglect. It is something learned through feeling empathy, instead of feeling nothing at all... or worse, interest only in self.

I see only good things in most of the people here. The only thing we have to make sure of is that people don't abuse the good nature. And if they try, it is their problem and not ours. I hope that you are able to work around your mother to get things done so everyone doesn't miss out on the enjoyment of your father.

Im able to see my father with the grandkids now so that is OK and I am seekingother routes to protect my father. I guess I just want to whine and can't accept that a human being can be so cold especially when they gave birth to me. Some animals eat their young, I guess the human world isn't so different in some cases. I suppose that considering myself to be a giving and kind person that I cannot fathom nor accept that that lack of caring even at the most basic level of at least being cordial is missing in a human being even after getting a psych and sociology degree and teaching inner city high school students for 25 years.

SillyHeart - here's the thing. If you can get with a hospital SW or an outside eldercare attorney to find any legitimate way for Mom to be no longer in charge of Dad then you can start to try to make things right, even against her wishes. Failing that, you could at least try to set up a family meeting where discharge plans are discussed realistically. Failing that you might be able to do an end-around and get the grand kids in for a visit. But, there could be a brick wall you can't get around and then, rather than beat your head on it so hard you injure yourself, you have to say to yourself that you did what you could and Dad is unfortunately suffering the consequences of his choice of spouse and POA and all. You do what you can. It is sad when you can see how much more you/they could have had in life "if only" and you are stuck grieving for that but dealing with what is.

Anyway... I think each caregiver from a dysfunctional family has his/her own reason. I think Cinderella would fit my situation the best.

But what about us children who don't really care if we get any praise? I am sure I am not looking for anything meaningful from my mother, though I've appreciated some of the understanding that has come my way in caregiving. If I had been a rat as a kid, I would have quickly learned that pressing the bar never had any result, so wouldn't bother pressing. Maybe there are different models for why someone becomes the adult caregiver.

I just thought of a good "model" for many caregivers. Maybe the abused/neglected child learned that they were not really so important, so ended up being more likely to give of themselves. Yes, I like that reason. We really don't want to think that someone becomes a caregiver because they are still flawed and faulty. Maybe it is just the opposite for some people.

I think that is because it is a what is known in psycho-social circles as the "scalloped pattern of reinforcement". This is exemplified by giving a rat food every time he presses a bar (switch) while in another cage another rat gets a pellet of food only once in a while when he presses a bar. Studies show that the rat who only gets the food now and then will keep on pressing the bar waiting for food far longer than the one who always got food. In other words emotionally, because praise or appreciation for an act you would do or for something you did well only came once in a while then you tried harder or kept on trying waiting for the "crumb of food" (acknowledgement) and this can last for a lifetime. Especially I think when the mean and selfish elderly parent is old because we children of the narcissist parent think that this is likely our "last chance" to be finally be praised or at least they will undo the evil and be kind to us before they kick the bucket. My mother isn't dead yet but I doubt she'll ever do that. Keep you posted.

Babalou, my opinion on why adult children who have the worst relationship with their parents end up thinking they should do hands on care out of a need to do something that might cause their parents to change into the parent that they never were and never will be.

Oh, the failure to launch kid is definitely in the short line to be caregiver. It's strange, though, that some of these end up living with the parent, but not helping very much. We've had some examples here where an unlaunched son did nothing, while the sister had to come in to help. I see another dissertation there.

Or because they're trying to re-run the parenting and get it right? I suspect myself of that, sometimes.

Those are interesting questions, Jessie. I can only look at what's gone on iny own extended family. In one very dysfunctional pocket, the son, the golden child, bery much failed to launch and came back "home" to caregive only to be castigated by the rest of the family. I'm sure someone's doctoral dissertation is here, awaiting research.

I don't know, either, Babalou. I've noticed the same. Golden children don't seem to be involved as often. Maybe there is a Cinderella complex created by low self esteem in abused/neglected children. Or maybe it is because these children often walk a rockier road than others that may end up in failed marriages or loss jobs, so they are available. Who knows? I don't think it is because the children are trying to win approval, as is often said. That is just a pop-psych answer that doesn't ring true. I have the feeling the story of Cinderella is closer.

Jessie, it's interesting that you say that. My observation since being here is that it's adult children who have the worst relationships with their parents who seem to think they should be doing hands on care. Not sure why that should be.

Well, I'm still sitting here this morning. I have been thinking of how much better it would be if my mother would either die or begin to live. Right now we are stuck in this dying that has been going on for 6 years or more. For two weeks she is too sick to do anything, like she is dying, then she perks up for a week. Then it's back to dying. Sometimes I don't think there is really anything wrong with her except she's nutty and dependent.

Isn't it odd that a parent who gave so little can expect so much from their children? And it is even odder when they belittle the person who does it. But what do we do?

The topper was today when I found out that my father would be dead within one to three months. He is in hospital right now. i gave it one last try and phoned her. I said something to the effect of "Mother, we have to put everything behind us and focus on Dad. I know though he is unconscious most of the time now that he would probably prefer to die at home versus the hospital. He will need nursing help from the CCAC (Community Care Access Centre -free help three hours a day) you know to help with the pills and bath. As well I think we should get his cataract done so that for his last three or so months he can see his grandkids (that she denied him contact with btw). Her response "I don't want anyone in the house" (She has been Form 1-ed twice and fears that anyone with any sense would suggest that she be committed) and even more nutty: "Why would he need to be clean if he is dying?"

I'd take a bullet for a stranger but sometimes you have to think of the ones that really need you not your little inner child that didn't get or meet with the approval that you should have gotten. Your mother is never going to turn in to June Cleaver, Shirley Partridge or Mrs. Brady and we have to accept that somehow God was on a coffee break or something when our little "baby souls" were sent to earth and we were sent by accident to "Mommy Dearest".

Sounds like your son is on his way to losing his job and not have a good recommendation from his current employer to a new one. :(

Thanks TheHatedOne. I am staying away from her. She has gone to live with my son and nephew and is now causing them extreme grief. Honestly, I thought she'd be fine with them since they're really the only people left on earth that she acts like she cares anything about. But nope. Within 24 hours she was up there giving 'em hell. They're about to lose their minds. I have decided she's dead to me regardless of anything. My son asked me to call her today and I refused. I told him I would do anything for him and my nephew but not to ever ask me to call her or talk with her because it's not going to happen. So I'm sitting down here calling around trying to find a suitable place for her to live (not with my son and nephew) while she abuses them and causes them so much stress that my son is afraid he'll wind up losing his job because she won't stop. Even when he goes to work, she's constantly on the phone calling him wanting him to come home and check on the dogs, or come home and fix her something to eat. She's more than capable of fixing her own meals. She not senile at all, she's walks just fine with her walker....she just wants someone to do for her at her command. Last night he cooked dinner and said she complained the whole time she was eating that whatever he cooked wasn't what she wanted and it's no wonder he's single....it just never stops with her. Sorry, made it all about myself again didn't I? Sorry. I'm very sad to hear about your dad. I pray that you get peace before you get too old to be able to enjoy it. That's my fear. That my mother will either outlive me or wait until I'm old and senile so I never get a chance to be happy. Hugs to you. I'm here for you.

I totally understand you! My nasty father is now in the hospital with massive thrombosis in both sides of the brain, the Dr thinks he will be non functional with this much clotting, but it still makes me sad to know that he´s probably trapped in his body hearing all the staff talking about how badly off he is... iasked for them not to say those things near him & she said they have to; I don´t agree with that! It´s bad enough to be trapped in your body; he´s the type of person who wanted to last forever.
I allow you to stay away from your mother; I have to do the same with both my parents & I know that they are so miserable & would be better off joining my little sister whose passing is causing them way too much pain! Hugs, Hope

Silly heart you are so right. Some people are just plain ole mean. Nothing that anyone can do will change that, especially when they're old. Looking at it from their perspective, why should they change? They've gotten away with it for 80+ years..looks like it's working for them. I think we, as children, are hanging on because deep inside of us, there is still that yearning for our parents to love us, appreciate us and be proud of us. It has to be that. Because if these people were strangers to us, we would walk away from them the first time they belittled us or harangued us. Right? It's a cruel trick of nature in my book. You spend your childhood trying to survive intact their cruelty, you grow up and move out and you think you've won. You are surviving, you are free of it all. Then they get old and/or infirm and you get sucked back into your childhood. All the old feelings, forebodings and anxieties come flooding right back as if they were just waiting in the wings the entire time.