She has dominated her childrens' lives with little concern for anyones' feeling but her own. She is now in a wonderful assisted living and her dementia (I think) has illuminated her personality into a person who I can no longer bear to be around. She has again managed to alienate everyone around her with her insults and insensitivity. She is nasty and uncooperative with the aids (who are wonderful) And complains, complains, complains about everyone, everything and blames my sister and myself for the air she breathes. I am sick of her and I don't want to visit her anymore and don't feel that my adult children need to be manipulated like I was and be around her negative attitude anymore. I hate feeling obligated to have her at my house as I have every holiday of our lives and force my children to "tolerate" her for my sake. The guilt is unbearable but I feel that now being 60 years old I would like to feel that this person does not dominate my whole life. I would like to have a happy holiday for a change and have my children WANT to come home (without Grandma always there)
There has never been any pleasing her before and now she sends me into bouts of depression that I have a hard time shaking. Am I alone? I feel like a selfish person but I don't like her now and never did before. The guilt is killing me.
the trails, I see eagles, deer, bobcats. I love taking pictures and sitting by the water. Really is relaxing till it's time to leave. I really enjoy this website too. I have learned a lot.
Thanks everyone! :)
Mom saw a kidney specialist last week and her function is down to 25%. More tests are scheduled. This is due to refusing to eat right, ignoring her diabetes, and having high blood pressure for decades. She's on 19 meds right now, and expected the kidney doc to give her more. She will not comply with insulin, taking her 19 pills, checking her blood sugar, or not eating so much dairy & dark pop by the 55 gallon drum. The phosphorus in it is really bad for someone in her shape.
Ultimately, she is so stubborn and belligerent that she won't follow any instructions or rules, and she'll end up on dialysis when her function drops to 10%. I sure hope they can bring it to her. I can't and won't quit my job or use up all my vacation time for this. My time off is for my little family to use on our family things. Not doing something totally hopeless for someone who did not have to be in this shape.
BUT, I learned something interesting. When she was little, before starting school (between 1940-44ish), she had a really bad kidney infection (Bright's Disease, which is a lot like "Dropsy" in that it means almost nothing.) She was bedridden for a long time and had to be carried around. The neighbor lady brought her cookies all the time. She says this went on over a year, but who knows. What I did figure out is that it went on long enough to teach her that you have to be sickly and needy to get attention and love. She's carried this on ever since and gets pissy when people aren't paying enough attention to her because of her many conditions. Sad. The world doesn't work that way anymore. Nobody goes out visiting to sit with the sick and shut in like they did in the 40s. The world has changed a lot since then. Patients are supposed to be really involved in their care and own a lot of personal responsibility for their condition. Mom hates that. She has never really wanted to be well. She's got her wish and it's only down hill from here.
She also feels no control whatsoever over her feelings. Emotions are like random tidal waves to her and are somebody else's job to manage. So there we have it. The roots of a lot of really negative behaviors that have only gotten worse over time and won't change. She keeps saying the doctor has told her to stay calm and stop getting so upset over little things, but she doesn't think she can. Her feelings are a roller coaster she's just riding. All kinds of things really upset her, to the point of tears and hyperventilating. Seeing a sad dog on TV, the snowplow going by, or her socks being on backwards. Or finding out her 72 year old sister is in rehab care for a stroke. It could be anything.
I too keep my phone off overnight, since she has a habit of calling me at 10 p.m. to rant about whatever isn't making her happy. Mainly that the groceries filling up her fridge aren't the thing she's craving at the moment, which obviously means she's out of food and I have to go shopping. (Nope! Not this time. I went to a food & wine expo with my hubs today.) Nobody's called to say she died yet, so I assume she's just fine even though I didn't overstock her fridge with food that will most assuredly go bad anyway. Once it's bought, she stops craving whatever it is. It's like magic.
The notice board at the foot of her bed is full of pictures - the huge house she shared with my late father, them on vacation, cruises, Florida, her dogs, my old dog who was with us when I cared for her, my father in navy uniform before they married - memories. She feels she'll pass very soon and so do I.
Since changing my phone number and backing away I've not felt well, light headed and headachy, anxious, no energy, just staying home. Reflecting last evening I just found it so sad. She spent her life trying to be #1+, acquiring possessions, bigger and better, never lifting a finger to help anyone, not even her own parents, fighting with everyone for supremacy, including my father who she treated like dirt, yet she was never really happy with anything.
What a waste of a life. I came to this country with 2 suitcases, $100 and a roof over my head for a week and spent my life working my butt off. Now retired I plan to do some volunteer work and get out and about. I will not waste whatever time I may have left.
I believe in the life of the world to come, but I also believe in not wasting this one! My Jesus cared about the tears and heartaches, even the ones He was going to heal and make right. We did what we could to make those last years, months, and days fill up with good experiences and good memories, even though there was not that much we could do, and it became less and less. Just for background, we Catholics have a doctrine of Purgatory that suggests there is a chance to get cleaned up a little (or maybe a lot) before being ready for the life of Heaven...not all of us can grow enough from what we go through inthis life to get all that "housework" done. Recently I have had more of a sense that my mom has made some progress there, just a little more peace of a deeper kind that is letting go of past hurts, hopefully on both sides.
Here's hoping we all live a life that leaves us and our loved ones at peace at the end, not a ton of regrets for all involved.
I think the main reason that some don't want religion brought up is that it's such a charged topic. Nations go to war over religion, people go to war over religion. Sometimes it can get ugly, with one person believing one thing, the other something else and they end up brawling over their view. Personally, I wouldn't want to see that happen here either.
I respect everyone's right to believe, to live and to love as they please. It doesn't bother me to listen to other's viewpoints. I just keep my mouth shut if I don't happen to agree with them.
I love my neighbors Rhonda and Bobby who are Christians. They'd love for me to be Christian, too. I doubt that will ever happen, even though I do go to church with them and believe in God myself. I have my own relationship with God and I don't follow some of their views. They can tell me from now until Armageddon gets here that gay people CHOOSE to be gay. Uh huh. I disagree. I think gays were born gay, but R & B aren't hearing it...just like I'm not hearing them. lol I don't mind listening to anyone...doesn't mean it's going to change me.
Let's just all be tolerant. If someone wants to talk about God that's great. If people believe there is no God, great. Whatever floats your boat. As long as we don't mock others or start throwing down in verbal wars over it, we're good. Or should be anyway.
As a kid I went to a catholic elementary school (goodness knows why). The nuns were extremely cruel and we were all terrified of them. My stint there ended when one pushed me down a flight of stairs - after more than 60 years I can still see her quite clearly.
My neighbour across the road is a born again christian and impossible to deal with, a recluse who never leaves the house. When I first moved in she tried to latch on to me, no doubt hoping for a "convert" and carrying on continually that the saviour would always take care of me. Great! Here's the keys to the tractor, have him drop by and mow my acreage. Disagree with her about anything and she says "that's satan talking", continue to disagree and she starts jumping up and down screaming quotes from the bible. She's also big on anti government, anti cop, anti just about everything and everyone and conspiracy theories, i.e. she's a nutbar.
One day last summer I snapped and threw her screaming a** off my front lawn. Her hubby is a meek, decent sort and seems quite afraid of her. He has grown children from a prior marriage who will have nothing to do with him which is sad. In the year and a half I've lived there there hasn't been one visitor to their house. No, I don't watch them, my little dog screams at the front window when she sees or hears (or thinks she does) anything.
I apologise if I offended anyone but now perhaps you understand why a lot of talk about religion sometimes puts my hackles up as experiences I've had with folks who are really into it have been ghastly. Each to their own.
Had I not been a decent human I wouldn't have quit my career, sold my home and moved 200km to live in a freezing gloomy basement with no income for four years to care for the mother from h*ll until she went into a NH.
On the net a few days ago I saw the news where this guy in a popular Christian rock band put out a contract for $1000 to have his wife killed. Yeeeeah.
And you bet there are some seriously disturbed religious fanatics out there. Nutjobs. Westboro Baptist church comes to mind... *shiver*
My mom put me in a catholic school when I was a kid. I mean, wut...??? I had no idea what was going on, no clue what they were doing or why and those nuns scared the pure T s*** out of me. *shiver* Needless to say, I didn't do well there. She took me out of there soon after, thank God.
What's that quote again...something about going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car... something like that. Yeah.
My neighbors Rhonda and Bobby don't push me. I flat out told Rhonda that some things would never change no matter what. I think she's just glad she finally managed to get me to start going to church after 7 years. XD
It didn't end there - setting the government on me for misuse of her funds like a common criminal (dammit I have more money than she does) daily screaming phone calls until I became so Ill with the stress I had a black out doing 85 in my truck - it was either her or me. I changed my phone number, made it unlisted and visited once in a while The stress of years caught up with me and I was so ill I mostly hibernated all winter.
Last year I took her little dog to see her (now lives with me) and, then able to use a walker she was screaming to give her the leash so she could show it off. I refused. The little dog is a neurotic terrier (get like the people they live with) and screams blue murder at seeing strollers, wheelchairs and the like. I haven`t taken the dog back since.
A couple of days ago I took Lucy, a tiny kitten rescued off a back road, to see her. Mother is anxious for Lucy to come again so she can show her off but that`s not happening as so many of the residents are looney tunes and violent I`m not taking the risk of the kitten getting hurt.
I shan`t be visiting for a while and my phone is off the hook late afternoon overnight so the NH can`t bother me with every little thing - Christmas eve 4 phone calls late at night for a cut finger ... slap a bandaid on it and go away!
I go up and down. Tonight I don`t want to know any more.
All I can say is if you take an elderly relative in make sure they`re one of those sweet little old ladies (which is rare) otherwise place them in assisted living or a nursing home because they will destroy you.
Daily tantrum screaming phone calls. among other evil things, drove me over the edge and last January I had a black out, driving my truck at 85. It was either me or her and, always careful never to give her my address or she'd call the cops on me if I didn't answer the phone, I changed my number and went no/low contact. I was ill most of the winter.
I still conserve her assets, pay her bills and ensure she has all she needs but, after 65 years of Mommie Dearest, my life comes first. Due to her lying and manipulating I quit my career, sold my home and spent four years in h*ll - a freezing basement, no income, whacked over the head at will, before she went into the NH.
You have to realize your mother is a narcissist and nothing you can ever do will make things right. I suggest for the next holiday time you, your spouse and children plan a trip, rent a cottage in the mountains, whatever, just go away. because your spouse, family and grands.deserve wonderful Christmas memories. I'm sure Madam has always said "Oh, but I have so many friends" ... not. If she has so many friends let them include her in stuff. Oh wait, the so called few "friends" ignore her and she has all sorts of excuses for them not visiting or caring but you have to run and do at the drop of a hat - . yep, been there, done that.
Madam had a stroke (again) a couple of days go, returned to the NH as there was nothing they could do for her. After spending time at the hospital and NH I haven`t been there for 2 days - at 88 she`s bed ridden, and incoherent. I feel I should go, but why. This person caused me pain and grief my whole life,. After 65 years it`s my turn to have a life.
I`m no psychic or medium but I`ve had many experiences in my life involving the other side. I had major dreams and nightmares last night, involving my mother and someone leading her away up a ramp which I challenged, at one point screaming help me in my sleep which sent my dogs crazy. In the dream state two of my deceased dogs were with me too - one, gone 25 years. I`ve only seen her once - seems she only comes when the shtf is about to go down.
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So tired I napped for a bit and took my phone off the hook ( the NH has the number but will call you 4 times for a cut finger). So, do I put the phone back on the hook and get some sleep or not. I think not. If she has another stroke and or expires. so what. She has not a friend in the world and, according to her wishes,, she`ll be cremated and her ashes scattered. I have done all I can and then some.
My note to you is dump her - do family holidays away somewhere. I`m sure she has `so many friends`(delusions of grandeur) to spend holidays with.
My mum is 74 years old and I feel so guilty because to be blunt, I no longer wish to be part of her life (due to her behaviour and treatment of me) but due to her age, surely I can't turn my back on her now?
She lives in her own flat in a warden-controlled block and constantly moans that she has nobody to talk to yet constantly mischief-makes amongst her neighbours. I understand she must feel lonely as she lost her husband (of twenty years) a couple of years ago (more about this later as I wish to discuss her treatment of me first).
God, there is such a lot to say, so I will start with what is her current pattern of behaviour and go from there: we were in a restaurant having a meal a couple of years ago, and when we left she said "did you notice the woman on the next table rolling her eyes at you every time you spoke? She was making faces at you". I laughed it off and put it down to a cranky woman eating on a table near us. There is a Chinese restaurant that like and go to regularly over the past couple of years, but she is always making faces at the waitress and calling her a "dope". The waitress hasn't heard the "dope" comment but is aware of my mum making faces and it creates an awful atmosphere. About a year ago, we left the restaurant and she said "the man and woman at the table beside us were making faces at you". Again, I laughed it off but thought it was a bit odd as I consider myself a nice woman and I know how to conduct myself in society. One day, about six months ago, we were in the same restaurant and I arranged to meet a male friend at the end of my meal as he was going home the same way as me. Said male friend isn't what you would describe as handsome and he walked into the restaurant and my mum was making faces at him (I think he noticed her making faces). Again, it created an awful atmosphere. When I spoke to her the next day, guess what she said? Yes, you guessed right: "The people on the table beside us were laughing at you and your ugly boyfriend". I then decided when we visited the restaurant, to sit at a table without "neighbours" so to speak, so this way I wouldn't have to tolerate yet more comments about members of the public making faces at me all the time. My mum then complained that the waitress had "put us in the corner away from everybody". I explained to her that I had chosen the table, not the waitress. Anyway, I haven't been to the restaurant in a while with her as I avoid it.
But a new thing has happened now to take its place: my mum's brother is in a home with dementia. It is so sad and I am sure reader's on this website will understand all the emotions that go with visiting a relative in hospital with dementia. Anyhow, I travel with my mum to the home as we don't have cars and the I wish to assist my mum on the train journey due to her age. Obviously, I also wish to visit my uncle but my mum's age does concern me at times. Anyway, we got off the train one day and she said "the woman on the train was making faces at you, as you talk too loud". I laughed it off and thought to myself "well Rachel, you can be loud". Anyway, this has now resulted in a bit of a situation only yesterday, as we again got off the train and she said "did you notice the woman with the blond wig making faces at you, because you were talking and she had been sleeping and you woke her up".
I then said to my mum "look, I'm sorry I woke her up but we don't board trains for a sleep, and I've noticed that every time we are out, it's either one person or another making faces at me. I consider myself a nice woman and I know how to act in society. I have done nothing wrong". Well, this resulted in my mum swearing and nearly foaming at the mouth with rage (my mum is the sort of person that expects no retaliation for her behaviour) and then proceeded to burst into tears at the station. After basically what amounted to a storm in a teacup, we proceeded to the home and our visit but there was such a bad atmosphere it was unbelievable. I came home yesterday and I am in such a deep depression, I feel so ill. I feel I never want to speak to her again but I have to - she is 74 years old. What can I do, just turn away?
Now, you may be thinking this is all an age-thing. But let me tell you, I don't think it is. I remember as a child, spending hours in my room, probably days where she wouldn't speak to me, letting me feel so much guilt for some minor stupid thing. She used to swear a lot as well, calling me a c**** and b******. She even said to me when I was 15 "I wash your period knickers". Really evil words and I haven't got enough room to tell you more.
I was assaulted on the street recently by two women (thankfully, I escaped unscathed and everything is fine) and just happened to be on my way to my mum's. I was obviously upset about being attacked but upon telling my mum, I could see she was upset about it and decided (due to her age) to not speak about the attack anymore that day. But since then, she has never even asked if I am ok. It's never been mentioned.
She lost her husband a couple of years ago to cancer and I feel so bad writing about her like this as obviously she is still grieving. But I just can't take any more. When I was younger, her bad behaviour used to just bounce off me but lately, I've been getting deep depressions. I can't sleep, I hate myself, I feel suicidal. This lasts about a week, I get over it, then meet up with her and it starts all over again.
I was on prescribed medication from the doctor recently and as a consequence of the medication, put on weight and I would describe myself as chubby but by no means very large at all. I had to endure endless comments about how fat I was, how my clothes don't fit, I'm lazy, etc. etc. I gave up the medication to try to lose weight. I HAVE DONE EVERYTHING I CAN TO MAKE HER COMMENTS STOP BUT NOTHING WORKS.
I have a sister (a year younger) but she is more distant from my mum than me. I don't speak to my sister because there has been a family bust-up, all created by my mum, and my sister said some terrible things to me. Sometimes I wonder if maybe my mum never bonded with my as a baby or is it because I have auburn hair like my dad - is that the reason she hates me? My dad died when I was six and when I was about 13, I found a newspaper cutting from a local newspaper saying he had committed suicide. I asked my mum about it but she denied the suicide, so my father's death is a mystery.
My question is: I have to see my mum (due to her age) but when she makes her comments, do you think it would be a good idea to just walk away? Advice needed please.
You've said you would walk away - in a way I have already done this, as lately, I have taken to unplugging my telephone so I do not have to speak to her. When she phones, we talk for at least an hour at a time, and it is pure hate - hate spewed forth about her neighbours, hate spewed forth about her own brother (her brother was recently visiting her but has recently stopped) yet then she complains about being lonely.
Again, thanks for your reply.
You can't change her. No one can change someone else. As noted above her ways of doing things are because she in mentally ill. All you can do is protect yourself. Unplugging the phone is a good idea. Also if you do talk to her, limit the call to a few minutes. Personally, I would not go out to eat with someone who talked to me like that.
My mother is mentally ill. She has Borderline Personality Disorder, In addition, now she has paranoia from vascular dementia. I limited my contact with her for years. I stopped talking to her on the phone last winter as her paranoid delusions and accusations became too hard to tolerate. I have only seen her once in the last 6 months and only then, because she is on meds. My sister also has a mental disorder. In our family I believe it is genetic. My sister has said some terrible things to me too and about me. I have basically cut her out of my life. I don't know if this is the case with you or not, but it is worth examining.
Just because your mother is 74 does not mean you have to talk with her. My mother is102 and I am 77 and this has gone on much too long in my life. I agree that seeing a therapist is a good idea. I have seen many over the years.
I have decided to - at arm's length - work with the people who care for mother to see that she has adequate care. If I do more that that I get sick. Please look after you first. Your "instincts" to help your mother on the train journey to see your uncle are normal and healthy, but because of your mother's illness the outcome of it and having meals with her is not healthy for you. Please do not allow her illness to drag you down. Remember she won't change so you re the one that has to in order to help you self. (((((hugs)))) I know it is hard.