Follow
Share
Read More
Find Care & Housing
3 4 5 6 7
Karen you are not alone! I sold my home, quit my career and moved to care for my evil mother purely out of duty and that is what some or many of us do. My mother was the mother from hell and I learned to avoid her early in life - knocked me around and put me in hospital when I was 6.

After another stroke her speech is so slurred she decided she didn't want her phone so I had it cut off. Now she calls me from a hallway phone every day with wild imaginings, like when she can walk (been in a wheelchair for 9 months, can't sit up or stand alone and will never walk again) she's going to buy a big fancy house and furniture and find someone to live with her, care for her 24/7 and do all the work. Her shenanigans over the years have aged me terribly and my hair is falling out. Do I have it out with her, a lifetime abuser? What's the point, she's had dementia for years, an A1 narcissist and everything is about her. I'm going to have her phone put back on so she can drive others batty (she has no real friends) and change my number. I must act as she continues to plunge me into deep depression and I need to rebuild the life she destroyed.
(3)
Report

Sorry that should have been to treadingwater ... see what this crap does to you?
(1)
Report

Emjo is not judgmental at all! She has a heart of gold, and her experience and "tell it like it is" attitude is appreciated by many here. You can look for support elsewhere, but you won't find a better place than this. Good luck on your search.
(3)
Report

ashlynne I was just wondering if you could get two numbers....give one only to her. I heard of someone else with a fancy phone system who had a relatives phone number go automatically to voice mail. It didn't even ring to the house. I think I wanna find out more about this.
You can't have these people live with you. I just can't see it. I get told that all of the time from well meaning peope, "when are you going to let your mother move it?" and I realize that the people saying it have sweet mothers or slightly difficult mothers, not terrorists. I was at my mom's trying to arrange a driving service for her and she got really mean with the service, then she started hitting me. It's just too crazy. I'm 50, no one hits me ever just psycho woman. Like a rabid animal. The lady from the service was VERY worried about having this crazy woman dumped on her lap. You can't have abusive people living with you. What if your spouse did this? Would you stay? Would society expect you to stay and take the abuse? Certainly not. Get out of there. Whatever it costs just go.
(2)
Report

I to have a mother that has caused a lot of pain in my life as a child and after many years of not speaking I have started talking to her and on order to keep peace I had to have a gathering before the holidays and tell her that my children could not come home, it was the only way I could have fun with my children and g-children! I have great holidays now, and her attitude towards me has changed don't really understand why, but this little fib made a difference, it has not changed her attitude towards life in general, but it has made me more aware of what I do in my own life, I guess i have to become a good fibber, to spare my family from her hateful nature, I don't know if this helps you, but I don't feel guilty about things anymore and I can give her a small amount of time to show her that I have not turned out to be hateful like she has been to me and it makes what time she has left a little better. Although I don't feel she appreciates it, I know I feel better.
(1)
Report

Ditto here my fil is a miserable person and has been for a loooong time ..lived with us for 10 monthes till he grabbed the gear shift whille I was on the freeway because he was mad ! He's at a blind school right now and we are trying to find him a place to go after ..my husband feels so guilty ( with no reason.) Except the words from his father ...we are trying to find a place for him but we know nothing about this stuff government assistance ..vetrens benifits or what is our legal responsibillity ...I would feel sooo releaved if I could find a advacate counciler ...social worker something to help us or even take over the responsibility of finding him a place ..I fear if we don't get it done quick enough he will end up back here and will successfully hurt me ...any advice .
(0)
Report

The veterans can help with arrangements for placement, they do pay a portion of the cost, the problem will be Medicare, I know that a lot of these places require private payment for first year, don't despair there are places that will take medicare, the best place I have found the most helpful is a place for mom, they have all the information both state and federal and they can do most of the placement for you if you choose. Take a deep breath, I promise it will work out!
(0)
Report

Wow, I feel like I just wrote that myself. My kids were forced at a young age to "tolerate"my mom for my sake as well. I just tried to keep the peace to not hear my mom's nagging mouth. My mom is only 68 with dementia and she complains all the time, and always has. I am an only child and no one else to share the burden. Yes, I feel it is a burden. I have been doing this now for almost 5 years 3 years knowing she has dementia. It is terrible to feel the way we do, but they make us feel this way. I also think we feel bad because they make us feel so bad toward them. I am like you, I am ready for a peaceful moment with my family without worry what my mom will say or how she will react. I wish I could say the right words to help you know what to do, because I struggle with the same issues. I have been trying to get my mom in assisted living and she is refusing to go. How did you get your mom there? My mom tells me I am treating her bad by trying to get her to go there. She just wants me to do everything then complain because I am doing it wrong. Good luck, and hopefully one day we will have the life that we want and not the life our mother's made us have. HUGS!!
(1)
Report

Hey! How about a "you might get kicked out" sticker chart like I used for the kids. How about everytime you complain about the food temp noise tv children lights washing machine house you get A BLCK STAR. 50 black stars earns you weekly counseling 100 stars and you go to assisted living. Sort of worked for the kids. Insult me gets a black star. Then make a big deal like here mom when you made fun of me it got you a black star. Now you have 5 black stars...etc.
(0)
Report

Thank you for this blog, glad I am not alone. My mother lives 2000 miles away and its not far enough. My mother's hatefulness is directed not only me but my children, which is really hard to hear, she says terrible things about them. My kids are all college educated, have great jobs, own their homes, great kids. My son drove 2000 miles and stopped in to say hello and all she talked about is how she felt he was overweight, that's all she got out of his visit. My younger son, she says to me whenever I mention him, "oh, maybe I would love him if I lived by him", who says stuff like that about their grandkids, drives me nuts! Most days when she calls I ring the doorbell to make my dogs bark and say I have to go, someone is here, I can't take her nastiness. She tells me if she could do life over again, she wouldn't have so many kids, I'm number 5 out of 6 in the mix, which really makes me feel great!
(1)
Report

I did it! I changed my phone number and made it unlisted. What spurred me into action? Driving locally last week I suddenly had a sort of hot flash and my vision went blurry for a few seconds. My mother has had strokes and my maternal grandmother and aunt died of stroke so it really scared me.

Met with the NH admin today and we've decided on fibs. If my mother tries to call she'll get "no longer in service" and staff will tell her my phone is out of order. That buys me a peaceful weekend. Next time I visit (bearing the usual chocolates, cookies, apple juice and bottled water) and she asks about it I'm going to say I rarely use it so I'm not going to bother and will just use my cell phone but there's no point in her having the number because I only turn it on when I want to call someone.

Of course I'll still visit, get her shopping and keep her affairs in order - she just can't get at me any more. Yay!!
(7)
Report

So glad ..just breathe and enjoy the life you've built for yourself :)
(0)
Report

After a lifetime of the cr*p I'm still shaky but for the next few days, or for as long as I need to, I'm vegging - staying up late, sleeping in and hanging with my critturs in the peace and quiet out here in the country.
(6)
Report

Sounds like just what the Dr ordered ...choosing not to be the victim is healthy ...wishing you bountiful peace and quiet
(4)
Report

Ash, that's exactly what I want to do. Veg. Chill. Sleep. Enjoy the quiet. And that's it. And I'm doing it. And I love it. :)
(2)
Report

agreed - veg, chill, enjoy the uninterrupted solitude, do only what you want to.

Once I googled the phrase "Leave me alone", as I felt that cry in my heart. It led me articles on dysfunctional, narcissistic, manipulative parents and that that is a common need amongst their children. A light bulb went on in my head.

I haven't been able to sort stuff much the last few months so piles have accumulated. Some years ago I read of children under stress doing not well in school because stress changes brain chemicals. I know that has been happening to me and it affects how I function. Sorting is not something that comes easily to me anyway. Started doing a bit more today. Must be recovering a bit. (((((((hugs)))))) to all do good things for yourself.
(1)
Report

Yep I'm still sleeping in and napping under a lot of snow. I live out in the country and soon there will be hundreds of snow geese on the fields, the backyard tree will be in full bloom and the asparagus & rhubarb will start to pop up.

We have deer, wild turkey, bunnies and frogs/toads in the pond. Come good weather I sit on the deck in the evening and drink in nature and peace until the light fades. Nature feeds my soul and will help me heal.
(3)
Report

Have barn swallows every summer too. They keep the mosquitoes & bugs down, even following me on the tractor when I mow.,
(2)
Report

Nature works for me too. We have a green belt, and a ravine lots of trees and trails across the street - deer who eat my cedars, birds, squirrels...It builds you up again I am not surprised you are tired, ash. I think there is a reaction once the immediate crisis is over. I am not taking on anything. I haven't called to see if mother is OK in hospital, I am going down there next week to visit with the psychiatrist and social worker and not sure if will see her. I truly need some space from the stress. It was affecting my health too much.
(2)
Report

You are a brave soul. I wish I would have thought of that...changing my phone. I am finally getting mymom to agree to AL. Well, let me clarify. She is not agreeing, she just doesn't know what else to do--she tells me. I see this as an agreement, and I am acting on it. Once she is there, I am going to limit my phone calls, visits, and other things with her. I will also still do shopping or what she needs, but not always what she wants. I am like you, I need time away and some peace. I am hoping in a few months to go to the beach or somewhere peaceful and forget about the last 3 years that she has manipulated and controlled my life even more so than she did before. I realize her "lucid" moments don't last so I am acting quickly this next week and weekend to get everything done and move her fast. Hang in there and hopefully peace will come easy for all ofus.
(2)
Report

Jeweltone go for it! I wasn't brave at all but I had a mini stroke while driving a couple of weeks ago, a warning sign, and it was either her or me. Even visiting her now is a nightmare. Visited yesterday (awful), then got a phone call at supper time that she'd climbed out of her wheelchair and ended up on the floor again. I spent most of the day today wasted, tired and slept a lot.

It's almost 5 p.m. and I'm about to feed my critturs and me. The phone just rang and I let the machine pick it up but there was no message left - likely someone selling something. The NH takes wonderful care of her but they call me for any little thing (policy), sometimes multiple times, which makes me crazy.

Going forward my phone comes off the hook at 5 p.m. and stays off until I get up in the morning. I'm no doctor, and if she falls, injures herself and is carted off to hospital I'll deal with that tomorrow.
(3)
Report

Yes, it takes a toll on your emotional and physical health. I had never had a panic attack until a few months ago. I hope I never have another one. I started yoga and it has really helped me to learn to calm down. Tonight, the wind is bad and we are expecting severe weather. Her electric has flickered enough to mess up her clocks. She has called me literally 5 times in 20 minutes telling me this. The night time caregiver will be there around 8 p.m and I was brave enough to tell her that the caregiver will fix her clocks. She didn't like that answer so she called me again. I had decided if she called again, I wasn't answering because I know the caregiver will be there to take care of it. This has taken me many years to learn I do not have to be quiet to keep her comfortable. I am learning to back off and let her depend on others.
(1)
Report

SW Ontario and we're having nasty weather - rain, thunder and lightning. My hydro went out late morning but it was just the breakers tripped. I live out in the middle of nowhere and have a huge generator wired into the house but to fire it up I have to go out to the shed beside the house with a flashlight through snow drifts. Hope it doesn't go out tonight!
(0)
Report

jewel - good for you. Things are moving. Even when your mum is placed you need to be careful. You always need to be careful around a narcissist. - detach detach - detach

lynne - visiting is a nightmare for me too. I talked to the social worker and the meds have not made any difference so far, so I doubt I will see her. It is too hard. Once the ALF called in the middle of the night when mother went to hospital. As usual there was nothing wrong with her. I told them to call me in the morning after that because there was nothing I could do till then, anyway. Hope your storm isn't too bad. I was born in Ontario and in your are there could be some bad ones.
(3)
Report

Emjo "detach" has to be our mantra. My phone comes off the hook at 5 p.m. every day, or earlier if I feel like it. I have no plans to visit in the next week, or two, or three or whenever ... if/when I can stomach it, if at all. If/when I visit I spend the next day, apart from basic chores, angry, miserable, exhausted and sleeping. Enough!
(4)
Report

Hi Emjo, so sorry to hear the meds aren't working yet - maybe they need more time? What kind of meds is she on? I might have missed some of your updates my reading has been hit or miss lately. Still rooting for things to work out so you can have some r-e-l-i-e-f.

HI Lynne, I hope your phone boundaries work out well. I suspect I will be in for the same challenge at some point in the future. Aren't nursing homes to some degree supposed to be able to handle things without calling someone all the time?
(0)
Report

Sunny they say it`s policy to call for anything, even the smallest thing. My phone is off the hook from 5 p.m. to maybe 9 a.m. There are A1 staff on duty 24é7 and a hospital 4km away. If there`s a problem I`ll deal with it tomorrow. I refuse to live on the edge any more, dreading, heart banging, stomach thumping in knots and be harassed or bothered by anyone. I`ve taken my life back.
(3)
Report

emjo you wrote : Nature works for me too. We have a green belt, and a ravine lots of trees and trails across the street - deer who eat my cedars, birds, squirrels...It builds you up again.
I was curious if you live in CA as I have the same across the
street? All this beauty, wildlife and fresh air helps!
(1)
Report

Hi naturelover - no I am not in California, but in a different CA - Canada fairly far north, Right now our trails are buried in snow and the wind is wicked today, I will not be able to enjoy the trails for a while yet.
(0)
Report

I'm in SW Ontario, Canada. It's bitterly cold and I've still got 4' snowdrifts in the back 40. The wild birds are eating me out of house and home :)
(0)
Report

3 4 5 6 7

Start a Discussion

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter