Follow
Share
Read More
Firstborn, I think you should just step away. I understand that may seem harsh but you have been terribly mistreated. There cannot be a relationship with your brother due to his poor choices. Your mother has welcomed him. That is extremely dysfunctional. Why subject yourself to any of that any longer? You have a supportive spouse. That is the family you deserve and should relate to. You don't owe the others anything more. I bet you will be missed but you owe yourself that favor. I hope you find the strength to move forward.
(10)
Report

Hello Treading Water - I hear you and today I'm starting to feel especially blue. Not sure if it's the weather, or the fast approaching holidays or the fact that my mom has returned to live with me. (She was visiting friends out of town for 3 months). I have to say during my break I started to feel alive again - slept great, felt calm, happy. Ever since her return I can feel the crippling depression sinking in. She's a very unhappy person, has caused a major rift between our family which I don't think will ever mend - BUT because she lives with me - I feel like I'm alone on some island with her and no help or end in site. She's got to have everything her way - and while she can be so nice to other people - her friends - she can be very nasty to her own family. People don't have a clue what I have gone through. I've tried to help her but now I just don't care. I'm almost 60 and want MY LIFE! I want to think about something else besides her needs. I resent the fact that she acts like I'm the only one that can really do for her. I'm also single, work F/T, and have a home to take care of. You can't talk to her about anything - she gets her panties in a wad. My family is beyond dysfunction junction. I just feel like I'm drifting along waiting for something to happen! I'm almost to the point that I don't feel anything for her. Today I've been thinking back on all the horrible things she said to me - the put downs, criticism, etc. Why the hell did I stay??? Why didn't I move out of state away from her nosiness and prying eyes. She comes back into my home and takes over - my kitchen, my t.v. I'm trying to think of the positive but today I'm sinking deeper and deeper and just want to give up - I'm sure a lot of people's life's don't turn out as they expected but mine really didn't. I thought why the hell did I end up alone - and no kids? Not that I didn't date a lot of guys, have long-term relationships but they just didn't lead to long-term marriage. Now that I'm almost 60 so many things are too late to start. And I'm stuck for another lonely, miserable holiday with her. Yes I have a lot of friends and wish I could spend it with them and find peace, joy and happiness. I try and feel blessed that I still have my mother but she is a piece of work..thanks for listening.
(5)
Report

my mother is the same way. Always negative about everything. Never a nice word about my father I don’t know how he stands her. She has ruined every holiday that I can think of and I’m now 53 years old. We got in an argument the other day about the way she talks to my dad and she threw me out of the house. Needlessly to say I won’t be going there over the holidays even if she calls me I’m still not going I’ve made up my mind. She thinks she should get respect no matter how she treats others. You have to earn respect to get respect. Since she’s getting older you would think she’d treat people a little better just in case she should need some help but I guess she doesn’t think about it. I don’t like her and we’ve had a toxic relationship as far back as I can remember. I used to feel bad about that but now I don’t. It’s hard to like people that aren’t nice to you —mother or not. I learned a lot from her on how NOT to treat people. Sending hugs! ( I never got one of those from her either)😢😢
(5)
Report

My mother physically abused me my whole life with metal edged rulers. She beat me so hard I bled and to this day have broken blood vessels on my legs. She invaded my life esp during the teen years and thought she was my age. I’ve never really had a mother. She truly sucked at the job. Worst mother on the planet although she adores my brother. Both of my parents were light skinned green eyed and dark headed as am I. My brother on the other hand has dark skin dark eyes and blonde hair. We have always suspected that we have different fathers as my mother was always fascinated with my uncle who was dark eyed with blonde hair. It is extremely rare almost impossible for two green eyed parents to have a brown eyed child. I only mention this because it might explain why she loves him so much. I’m not jealous I honestly don’t care except I resent the fact that he has peaceful holidays and gets to live his life without dealing with her hourly junk. She is now 90 years old. She is under a delusion that my brother isn’t to be bothered so I get to hear about her morning dump or laCk there of her teeth just name it whatever the fixation of the moment is it’s my problem and mine Alone to fix. She is a master manipulator. She has bad mouthed me to relatives and literally has ppl not talking to me with her lies and crap.She whines and complains to me daily and is the meanest person on the planet. She is a narcissist and has always has been incapable of thinking of anyone but herself. My father was miserable and told me he wished he were dead that she as so awful and abusive. He has since died and although I love and miss him he’s in a better place. My mother blames me for everything. She puts unnecessary demands on me. Everything that is wrong in her world is my fault. She inherited 800,000. From her father and spent every penny so that’s my fault. She lives in a house my husband and I own for basically nothing which is a monthly loss of income to us of about 1800. Dollars. My husband is a retired teacher so we both have continued to work. My mom gets about 3000. Monthly in social security but it constantly whining and complaining that she has no money. She gets her hair done weekly, gets massages her nails done etc. I don’t do those things because they aren’t in the budget. I have to have her in my home for every single holiday. My brother has nothing to do with her and is a bigger narcissist than she is or at least equal. He’s a bit of a con artist and due to behaving badly in a business deal with my family he isn’t speaking to any of us. Convenient so he doesn’t have to deal with mother. I’m miserable and have fallen into a depression briefly considering suicide to get away from her. I just want to be left alone. She calls and texts about 30 times a day. She gossips and bad mouths everyone. She has a boyfriend she hasn’t seen who lives in another state although they did go to high school together a zillion years ago. She says they are dating but he won’t come see her and won’t let her come see him. We think he may be married or perhaps a con artist. She’s so dumb she calls him and bad mouths me from her home phone then accidentally calls me on her cell and I hear everything. She doesn’t take care of the house it smells like dump and vitamins. She doesn’t take out the trash she has no business living in a home she has a quack doctor who has been prescribing her Valium for years that she doesn’t even need. This makes her more insane. I can’t be in the same room with her for more than five minutes before she starts taking shots at me which makes me want to take an entire bottle of pills. I’m miserable. She is a life ruiner and someone who belongs in an asylum. I’m at my wits ens
(2)
Report

Karen Mack, i think your note deserves its own thread! You are very valuable and I think our collective wisdom can help relieve you of the burden of your mom
Please don't leave us as I'm sure you have good things to say to other survivors of child abuse (waving at 'cha)!. If you need to talk to someone right now, here's help: Call 1-800-273-8255
Available 24 hours everyday.

I don't think you can evict your mom since you don't have a lease. However, you could sell the house from under her and let the buyer be the one to evict her.

You are already seen as the bad guy by family who refused to protect you as a child- why would you want to please them when they were evil to you and didn't turn in your mom? It's ok for you to set limits on mom & not take all her calls.

The book Boundaries by cloud and Townsend was a big help to me when I started distancing myself from mthr. How about starting a new post and just copy paste what you said here so everyone can see this?
(4)
Report

One of the worst weeks of my life. For some stupid reason, I decided to take vacation and spend it at Mom's place. She's a narc, but sees herself as this kind, benevolent person, who never, ever thinks of herself. Wrong. I am the scape goat child and brother is the golden child. I've done everything she wanted, and none of it was good enough. I came into the house with old presents I'd gotten her on the chair I typically sit. She does that - gives back gifts I bought. I had a fit, as I'd brought all sorts of food since she says she cannot make 'good meals'. She has dexterity problems but will not see a doctor. Now she's got the mantra, if the good Lord wants me to have xxx, then that's my lot. Ok, but you complain about it 24/7.
For actual Thanksgiving Day, I made the entire meal. Brother came over earlier (he lives locally, about a 10 minute drive or less). He did nothing. So we sit down to eat, and I start to get sick, running to the bathroom barfing. They keep eating away. Mom did eventually ask if I was ok. Yeah, not really. I had to clean up/put all the stuff away. Then brother says well, I've got to go (around 1:30 or 2 pm), and he didn't come back for the typical eating leftovers that evening. So Mom goes into a funk, blaming me. What in the hell did I do? Oh, sorry I got sick. So she didn't want anything to eat. The dressing I made, which she said she liked, nope, take it all home with you, as well as green bean casserole. She didn't like the rolls I bought, nothing. I'm going to try to stick to my guns and not make the meal next year. Then I felt like crap, so I went to bed. Felt badly the next day, chills, upset stomach, body aches. Her response, "why me? I won't have any Christmas". Yes, because typically the Friday after Thanksgiving I put up her tree and do her decorations. But she never thinks of herself. That comment told me all I needed to hear - I'm just here to do chores for her - and she says I owe her. Anything she ever did for me, she will tell me about ad nauseum. Dad passed away suddenly when I was 12, and she's said that I was an adult, should have cared about what she was going through, should have been responsible for my own food, clothing, etc. I told her 12 was not an adult legally, but no to her I was her equal - yet she still treats me as a child, an underling.
I got her tree and most decorations up yesterday. I made a dinner using leftovers (disguised), told her it would be ready in 30 minutes, do whatever you need to do now (bathroom, glue in false teeth). She waited until I had the meal on the table to go to the restroom, then spent 40 minutes dicking around. I lost it. I shouldn't have but I did. I said do you want to eat it, and heard, well it's probably cold now. She always does that, which I think is to piss me off. She has also been trying to gaslight me, telling me one thing very definitively, then an hour or so later saying she never told me that or never said to do that. She had a major meltdown last night, after I lost my cool. Major. Now asleep in her chair, while I try to make her Sunday dinner. I am sure something won't be right with the dinner. Her tv is on the fritz, which she's had me doing handstands to fix. Yeah it's the tv, not her cable box. I am sure it's my fault somehow.
I'm going to be sick for Christmas. Yes, I can foretell that now. Something that isn't too bad, but won't allow me to travel per doctor's orders. She dictates how everything should be, and if she doesn't get her way, here come the tears to guilt you into doing whatever she wants. She even said that 'gift cards aren't Christmas'. So even gifts are to be ruled by what she decrees. She literally cannot understand anyone who does not think like she does. I said you know people have different opinions. Ok, but why? Mine are better. I'm just done with it at this point; really considering strongly going no contact. Thanks for letting me vent.
(4)
Report

HI Everyone! I couldnt wait to share this with all of us who have been thru hell and stayed there- way too long. I have your problem...all the mean, ugly, viscous, self centered fowled mouth, lying SOB we share in common. Im 62- only child-daughter. I am "us". Here's what I need to share. I had finally walked away- I broke the cycle ON MY END- as she still reigns hell down from afar- She still calls the police, files reports on me-has hired a lawyer to investigate all these claims she makes about me and the lawyer is playing her and cashing her checks. The bank fraud case is now closed, as she didnt have the 100K she said I stole.
Ahhhhhh, moving right along.....Thanksgiving came and went, without her. IT WAS WONDERFUL! And I went to someone home for dinner- as a guest- first time in 39 yrs. I dressed up a little bit, I wore perfume instead of sweat- there was no phone fight, before you pick me up fight, all the way back to the house fight, "dont hurt my arm" going into the house fight, the house is cold-"are you out of oil?" fight. No one asked why you cooked this or that, no one said " Ive had better" or "shoulda gone out to eat" remark.
WEIRDEST FRIGGIN THANKSGIVING in 39 years!!!!!!
People all brought a dish, they come early to help, they laugh, eat, laugh, eat more, laugh more and then comes desert! MORE LAUGHING MORE EATING! No nasty remarks like "you really dont need to eat that" " You really should loose a few" and there wasnt one 40 minute sob story or any lie's told at that table. Not one knife went in anyone back. Not one person yelled "get my pills, I need my pills"

AND the ride home, WELL, we put on christmas music in the car and hubby and I drove the 2 hrs home, happily. Hmmmm woo-da-thunk there would be no 2 hr session about the house being dirty or too small-too cold- too much food, not enough food- bad cook, the booze- (wine)bunch of drunks- kids were out of control, get rid of the dog, I was ignored- Im cold, Im hot, find a bathroom, why did you talk her him or her, you know how they treated me in 1961....NONE OF THAT!
I swear to God, my husband came to bed that night and said " weird night huh". Imagine, its weird to us to not walk on egg shell, bicker the entire day away, one nasty remark after another- and we were both 2 fish out of water-but we liked it! She wasnt apart of anything- no card mailed to her- no flowers, no phone call, she's not at the house or dinner table....we had discovered a holiday! It was amazing, it was fun, and I want more.

Please, to all of you who have grown up as I did, knowing you were garbage- Gods mistake-suicidal- depressed- low self esteem- the sole reason someone life was miserable- trust me- try this, walk away, stay away, dont look back, dont go back. If they are under your roof, leave- go out- leave the misery at home- until you get them out of there. And I mean that from the bottom of my heart- get them out! I didnt know how this would go, no clue, but I accepted an invitation and lo and behold I found out how others have holidays. There was zero guilt-it felt good. Please try, get yourself out from under this black cloud- and so what if your first try is a flop, try again, just dont stop trying- I know its hard but if by any grace you find fun in a dreaded holiday it might just be the kick start you need. Im here if anyone wants to talk- love to all of us!
(21)
Report

Hi Everyone, I apologize for rambling. I didnt realize so many people seem to be in the same situation. Its good just to vent. No one seems to understand what's its like and people try to make you feel guilty because you are tired and frustrated. I'm 57 and my mom is 87. She has been living with me for 4 years. My Dad passed away when I was 7. I realized recently that I am like a stand in husband. I have always handled my mom's business needs. I dont know if my mom loves me or not. She has always criticized everything I do but yet she bought me anythng I wanted. I am not retired and I drive to wok 50 miles from my home. I live in Atlanta so traffic is terrible. It takes me on avg 1.5 hrs to get to work and 1.5 -2 hrs to get home. This alone is enough to handle. My husband and I argue all the time now. I'm stressed and depressed. I cant seem to get happy again. I cry all the time. I havent been on vacation since my mom came to live with me. She complains all the time no matter what I do. She has never liked my husband although he runs her company. Most of the time I cant stand my mother and she gets on my nerves. I feel guilty about feeling this way. I feel guilty about thinking how many more years she will live. Children arent suppose to fee this way. She's a retired school teacher. She acts like she did all these wonderful things for me as a child but she didnt. She kept me from doing what other kids did, I couldnt go outside and play because she was afraid something would happen to me. If I ask her to stop complaining she ask why she cant have an opinion. I say its stressing me out. I just drove 2 hours from work and 1st thing i have to do is get you dinner, She wont let my husband feed her she always says I will wait for Kim to get home. She has a bedside potty now so that adds to my duties. She still has her home so I have to mange it to. She wont sell it. I have 3 herniated disk in my back from pulling her up, lifting her legs up the steps, pushing her in the wheel chair. She wouldnt do what she was suppose to and got to the point she couldnt move which put her in the hospital. She sees me limping but still doesnt think I really hurt my back or that it was due to taking care of her. My job has been great. They let me work from home. My mom doesnt get what's it like to work, drive and still have to take care of her. I cry all the time now. I'm just tired. I dont get to do anything fun. If she cant have her way then no one can do what they want. She always has to do list for me. If I say i'm tired or well, she isnt asking for much. She doesnt want to go to a nursing home. I tell her I'm doing my best she doesnt seem to care. This week she is having cataract surgery. I have to ask to work from home because she has to have eye drops every 6 hours. I wish I could retire.

Thank you for letting me ramble.
(7)
Report

I have known 4 narcissists in my life. (Two males and two females.) I didn't realize that was what it is called until about a year ago, when I looked into it. It's really shocking. The thing is is that of the 4 that I know, ALL 4 are thought of as being great people.....by those they have fooled. Those who have gotten their special horrid treatment, know better. The kicker is that they have many colleagues and people in the community who think they are awesome people.....lol.
(7)
Report

I’m so sorry & completely relate to your pain & anxiety. My mom was married over 5 times When I was growing up with no regard for my sisters & I. Now as she’s Sick, old & alone expects us to be there for her. Both sisters have Bailed... I feel that Bible verses still push me to help her. She’s rude to those around her, upset at possessions that have had to be left as she’s transitioned into a facility to help her live out her life in a wheel chair. I pray constantly for my strength and ability to cope. You need help. Ask those around you to help & God for strength. I’m over 60 too. She was never a grandmother figure to my children. They don’t ‘get’ why I even care. I guess each of us are different & all have coping mechanisms. I hope you’re strong if you continue to be there for her... I haven’t seen it get any better after 3 years. Good luck & pray you have good holidays!!
(2)
Report

I wrote this email, but didn't send it to my brother about my mom, who is eighty:

Hi J,
I needed to write this to try to make sense of what I am experiencing. Mom keeps saying things like my husband threatened to slit my throat and I will never forget it, cross my heart on my mother's grave. When I ask her when he did this she says, oh I don't know, many years ago. I ask her, before you lived with us in Australia or in Australia? she says before. In Australia she never mentioned that he threatened her. We had some arguments there, some memorably bad ones, but overall we had a good time going on trips to the sunshine coast, and beaches, restaurants etc. Even if he did threaten her, it was a long time ago and has never been brought up until recently. Now it is always brought up by mom when she gets mad at him, which is very often. She appears to have a deep seated hatred of him and I simply do not know where this comes from. Some in-law irritation would be understandable, but this is something else, far more extreme. Daniel the other day asked me what Nana meant by saying these words, which are disturbing for a boy to hear about his dad. I said I don't know what is going on, I don't understand it. I know he had arguments with mom in the past, but he doesn't recall threatening her in that way. He recalls saying other negative things in anger. What I have noticed is that John her tenant uses threatening language and he frequently speaks to mom, so I think she is getting these ideas from him perhaps because she is not processing information very well. John accused J a year ago of threatening to slit his throat, which J cannot recall. John told my husband last week that he should watch out as mom's gonna kill him in his sleep. Last year someone apparently stabbed him in his basement stairwell. Someone he met in the park(?!!!). It is like living with pirates. As far as I can tell, John appears to be the source of a lot of this crap and it makes me uncomfortable that he lives downstairs. After I get upset with mom, she goes downstairs to complain to John about how she can't tolerate me, which might be a funny scenario from a healthy distance. Anyhow, my point with all of this is that there is a lot of violent language being used in front of my kids (and this says a lot as I am not especially fussy about what they are exposed to), about how someone threatened to kill someone and it is very distressing. I am partly to blame for sometimes repeating it in order to defend myself. If I mention that this sort of violent language involving death threats is new to us as a family, as we weren't in the habit of discussing awful ways to die, mom says things like she should have called the police on him years ago, missing the point that these words are damaging in themselves. I have other problems and I can't deal with this destructive stuff. It is also a total waste of energy. Life is pretty hard already without this madness, with it, it is very near impossible.
Sorry, I know you have your own responsibilities. I guess I feel I can talk to you about this because you know how difficult it is to live here.
Love,
L
(1)
Report

I understand you completely. I have same problem with my mother. I have decided, ever though it breaks my heart and that I love her....I don't like her or want her in my life. She has hurt me so many times that I can't take it anymore for my own health reasons. She has become too Toxic.

I am here for you if you need to talk or vent.....praying for the both of us.
(6)
Report

I found this forum today and have been pouring over this discussion. I have a very heavy heart and need advice.im a 55 year old widow of 7 years. I am the sole caregiver for my 30 year old daughter with Down syndrome. I suffer from high blood pressure (multiple er visits for unknown spikes) I also have severe anxiety disorder. I was adopted by a wonderful man and a narcissist woman. My dad passes 20 years ago and she just got harder and harder to be around over the years. The last few years the extent of what she is willing to do and say to get her way have come to light. She fell in April and broke her hip,after 2 weeks she came to my home with home health care. It was horrible. She would not listen to me,the nurses or the dr,s. After 3 weeks of her sneaking up without her walker and passing out and falling twice I called an ambulance to take her to er. I was admitted too because the nurse didn’t like the way I looked and took my bp. Yes it was very high. Anyway put her in rehab facility after that. She returned home in July against dr recommendations. Anyway to much to add.she lives an hour away,I have not been to see her since. I talk to her on phone every night. My problem is I do not want her in my home for Christmas and my adult children do not want to spend the holiday with her either. I’m struggling with leaving her alone but I know she will ruin the holiday for everyone and possibly send me to er.
(6)
Report

StressedInTx, for future reading I would recommend "The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving A F***" - the title may be intentionally provocative, but the content is really quite sound.

Meanwhile, though - does your mother belong to a church or similar social group? If so, why not see what they're organising for Christmas for members of the community. Could be you could nudge them into including her without appearing to have had a hand in the arrangements.

But look, she made the choice to move home an hour away from you. "Gee mother, I'm sorry, but you DID say this was what you wanted..."

You or any other family member who, when you really boil it down, feel that at least some time should be given to the matriarch during what is after all a family occasion can pay a visit to her, and then leave as soon as preferred citing difficult driving conditions, pressure of time, etc. etc. Doesn't have to be Christmas Day, just any day in the holiday period and then that is definitely the duty done. This part is optional, n.b., and can be delegated. The key advantage of course is that as soon as you've had enough you can run away.
(4)
Report

No your not alone, I'm in my late 50's and feel the same. Doc says don't visit, which helps to a degree, but Dad has dementia so I have to go. She takes outrageous advantage of him and screams at us all the time. No one can do anything right and she won't listen to calm advice. There's not any redeeming quality about my mother. Don't feel like a horrible person.
(10)
Report

No you are not alone. My 76 yr old mother is making the rest of the family miserable with her meanness. I hardly ever smile these days and sometimes feel very depressed. My parents were starting to struggle in the family business & could no longer cope with the physical side of it. They tried to sell with no luck. Were unable to get a pension due to assets. So we decided to sell our lovely home, buy their business so they could retire. It meant moving to the same town as them. Big mistake, I've never felt more miserable and anxious in my life. She is a controlling person and likes everything to go her way, when it doesn't she gets angry and blames others. She talks over the top of everyone, continually interrupts other peoples conversations with topics centred only around herself. Criticises other people all the time, to their face and behind their backs, embarrasses people in front of company by pointing out their shortcomings as seen by her. Abuses my father constantly in front of people and calls him rude names (like a-hole, b**tard, etc), tells him how he can't do a thing right. Usually it's over minuscule things like he didn't turn the TV or the light off when he left the room. Or he couldn't remember her telling him something and so he is an idiot. He is so skinny & sick looking, she even controls the food he eats, he only eats what she tells him he can have, sometimes he might buy a takeaway like hot chips & if she found out he would never hear the end of it and would be called a greedy a-hole. She on the other hand often over eats and talks with her mouth full of food spraying it about the room and displaying the churning food in her mouth, something I would have been quickly chastised for as a kid. Infact I look back now and feel sorry for the child I was, always trying to please her but never able to. She swears & mumbles obscenities under her breathe about people just outside of ear shot, but enough that they know she's quietly ranting about them. Ruined my 2 year old grandsons family party recently by screaming at my father for some trivial reason (over sausage rolls), everyone stopped having fun and looked at her, then she muttered that she didn't want to be at the party any way & stormed off out the door, leaving everyone shocked at the sudden and unexpected outburst at a kids party. Prior to that she seemed to be enjoying herself, eating, drinking wine and watching the toddler open his presents etc. She makes things up that aren't right and convinces herself it's true and won't listen to the facts. I realise now that she was always a mean person and as a kid I didn't stand a chance of pleasing her, I just lived in hope...I know differently now, but I find it hard not to let it get me down, especially since we live so close to her now.
(5)
Report

I have the same type of mother.  I have not spoken to her since 2002 and it was the best decision I ever made.  I mentally snapped one day when I saw her treating my sweet  and sensitive son in the same horribly nasty way she treated me my entire life.  I wasn't going to allow it a second longer.  She can sit by herself and suffer the way she made us children suffer for decades.  You are not selfish.  Your primary role is to protect your own mental sanity and your children and grandchildren.  She is a horrible person and WILL NOT get better.  I believe sympathy would be wasted.  Just do your duty and make sure she is in a facility that does their job in caring for her needs.  She has made her bed in the way of not having any emotional connections...that is her doing.  As long as you have made sure she is in a competent facility...that is all you need to do.   Do not continue to expose your family to her nastiness...she does not deserve the power of taking away their happiness.  Don't let her have it.
(14)
Report

I am nearly 57 and for the past three years have been living near my 85-year-old mother, who is very much the same as described above (only she is outwardly nice to the care assistants she reluctantly allows in once a week, but bad-mouths them to us). She depended heavily on my father, my brother and now my husband, whom she treats as her PA/chauffeur, etc. She relies on us for making and taking her to almost all her medical appointments, fetching medications, paying bills, and the few social events she feels like attending (she won't join in with most of the activities on offer in her building). She is not in bad health for her age but uses vertigo as a reason for not moving at all (she uses a wheelchair although not technically disabled), which has led to blood clots, muscle wasting and pain, which she treats by gobbling painkillers rather than trying any exercise or therapy. She is rarely grateful or appreciative and we cannot discuss any concerns rationally with her as she gets defensive and throws it back at us, making us feel even worse.

I spent my childhood wondering why I couldn't please my mother (thinking it was my fault) and grew up suffering from low self-esteem and lack of confidence, and I still get anxiety and occasional depression. Having my mum nearby after over 30 years living miles apart brings all this back. I've read the narcissism books and am going to try counselling again, because I feel she is overshadowing my whole life (which is good in most other ways) and I can't bear the prospect of being responsible for her for possibly another ten years, by which time my husband will be in his 70s.

I dread visiting my mum and despise myself and my husband (who never stands up to her even though he does more for her than anyone) for being so spineless and letting her get away with treating people like dirt. Yet I feel a daughterly and Christian duty to look after her and keep trying to make her life a little happier, even though she sabotages most efforts to do that. Maybe she actually likes being miserable...

I'm so sorry for everyone else who is going through this but it's good to know I am not alone.
(8)
Report

Helenb63,

I don't believe that being a good Christian and daughter means being a martyr for your mom. Your husband is likely not standing up to her because she is your mom, not his. I thought at one point I was doing the right thing standing up to my MIL, but I learned that my wife's therapist was glad for one occasion that took place without me there to hide behind and she had to deal with her mom. Most assisted living places provide transportation to the doctor. She could take that. I think that ya'll are doing too much and she's the one calling all of the shots. Why don't you stand up to your mom, she's your mom. I do hope you go to counseling to find some emotional freedom from this web that your mom raised you in.
(5)
Report

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. You are definitely not alone. I am going through the same thing with my 87 year old mother. She's misserable, complaints about everything, she never appreciates anything and always has a nasty additude. The name calling, I can't believe it's coming from a mother to her child. She was like this even when she was younger.
She's selfish and it's always about her. We don't wanna put her in a nursing home. I'm taking her to a neurologist to see why she's like that and if she's gotta be on medication. I have stopped taking care of myself, I don't eat good or sleep, it's affecting my life really bad. I'm having anxiety and depression because of this. I hope the doctor can give her something to calm her down.
I wish you lots of luck.
Thank you for sharing your story
God bless you
(3)
Report

You are most definitely not alone. Sadly, it seems there are a lot of us out there with similar problems, especially with mothers in their 80s who have always been hard on their daughters. I feel very much the same about my own mother and my own inability to get away from her now she lives in AL near us but expects us to do almost everything for her. People say 'set boundaries' but I can't work out how to do that when she gets even nastier if anyone challenges or 'bullies' her. I despise myself and my husband for being spineless weaklings but it's easier to take the endless complaining and rudeness than to stand up to her - which the books on narcissism say won't work anyway! I don't know if my mum has mild dementia or depression; she finally admitted to a physio I'd got in (to help her with the pain she has from inactivity and muscle wasting) that she hates living here and wants to go home - where she lived for 53 years before. She tries to make out it was our idea for her to move, but it was her choice. If I had known how my life would become dominated by her I would have resisted all the way - though she couldn't really have gone on relying on neighbours for everything, so I guess it was inevitable. I am waiting for a counsellor to vent my frustration and anger to - have you tried that? I feel selfish too, but think that's what our mothers want us to feel, so we put them first. I can't bear the thought of her living another 5 or 10 years till we are getting old ourselves, and then think I shouldn't feel like that because it's unkind, unchristian, etc. etc. Sorry not to be more encouraging, but you are not alone and not selfish!
(5)
Report

I have the same problem with my mom she is nasty selfish and only thinks of herself and I cannot stand her myself and my sisters have always done everything to help her but it’s never enough I myself just don’t know how to handle her any more
you have my every sympathy
(2)
Report

Don't feel bad about your mom.She had to really be not a nicest person since you don't want contact and want to feel free.Do what you feel is best for you and your family and don't force yourself.I care for elderly lady for a year and I have been yelled every name out of the book,talked down, belittled in a mean sarcastic way. She told me she wishes she could be stronger so she could beat me do death,she said she wishes I and my boyfriend die in a car crash when going to lunch,she told behind my back to OT and PT she met for a first time I was a monster and I can be dangerous to her cause I have headphones in my ears.I understand how elderly can act. Never though met elderly that mean a d bitter as my client.She is beyond TOXIC.
(1)
Report

Elderly get mean cause they no longer have have control.Loosing control over body mobility ,vision etc make them depend on others.They hate fact they can't but rest of people can . Only people they can take that anger on a close to them cargivers and family.Inside they know they are dying...
(4)
Report

This post is from 2011! Confusing how certain posts live on.

Other posts that could remain disappear.
(3)
Report

My mom has been very controlling all of our lives. I have lived away for years at a time and things were better for me. Now, I live close by. I have always been her favorite target for abuse because as an adult, I was treated harshly early on and started sticking up for myself. That made me the bad guy.
Now, she is starting to have memory issues. My brother has noticed as well but won't say anything. It is becoming increasingly obvious that there are memory issues. The doctors now think she may have had a stroke and she says if she did it is my fault. When I finally brought up the subject of memory issues, her abuse increased against me and just insults me by saying that she doesn't remember because she doesn't care about my life or what I tell her. She gives back gifts that I give her usually in an insulting way and mocks me for giving her flowers. She has begun lying to cover for herself and tells others that I am lying. It's a nightmare. I am planning to move further away soon for work and hate to say it, but will be happy not to have interaction with her much. Let my sister and brother deal with her. I can't take it any more.
(8)
Report

need - I think it is responded to fairly regularly because this theme strikes a note with a number of people who come to this site and are struggling with a mother who has been difficult all their lives. It makes care giving so much harder. It is relevant for them.

carola and helenb, lifeisshort, and others - you have my sympathies My mother was very difficult and negative all my life. This was not just old age. It was her borderline personality disorder and narcissism. You can take steps to protect yourselves. That is not un christian Standing up for yourself may not change her - the only person you can really change is yourself. You can improve your quality of life even with a parent as described here. But it takes change and growth on your part and caring for yourself.
(7)
Report

I worked with my client since March last year longest caregiver she had.At first I was so happy and motivated to help .Pay was good $2000 a month and I was ready to go and bring some happiness into my clients life .As I said it was her who was nasty commenting mean sarcastic yelling and job was becoming less rewarding.I knew I needed money so I clunched my teeth and stay.Than I decided enough is enough.Eeach time I will respond to bad comments.If she said you damn I said no I am not when she said Maggie wash floor NOW! I would say NO I don't have to and I will when I feel like.Gradually I numb myself to a crazy talk as she complains about things just to tear me down.Example I am walking her dog.She times me and tells me to take only 20min walk.Telling me if I don't comply my "privilege" of walking him is over.I took her laundry to wash yesterday I came back from break and laundry time and she goes bulistic that laundry is slightly dump and that it will cause mildew while drying.It is yelling I can't take it like I am going to die type of fit.And you know I tell her you should be thanksful I did your laundry and if you don't like let your friend do it.She has one friend help.I tell her what it is shragg my arms and say got to move on I am not having it.Would it stop her no but I just leave room until she stops talking.
Whatever she said would already qualify her as serious abuser and to looney bin
Statements you damn stupid from different country
You don't know how to make anything bed toast etc
You will never have anything in life, better job carrier home car
Your kids don't love you etc statements
I wish when you go on lunch you will get into car crash and die with your boyfriend
I wish to be stronger so I could push you to the ground and beat you up to death
I sometimes feel like I want to just drop of a stairs and die
You don't know who I know I can call police and get you arrested for elderly abuse
Nobody will believe you Its your word against mine.
And this counting of bread and apples and etc starting how many pieces is there left to see if I took anything.
But you know and I know it want change.I did something to protect myself I recorded her from very beginning until now at occasion yelling at me and all I wrote above.No!!! Granny want throw me under the train although she sounds exactly like that movie character screaming at her son Owen (Danny Davito)I told her I recorded her and I told her she can't continue to treat me like shit I told company that hired me to.She is little more careful now but she want change complaining.She told me it is to late to fire me cause I know to much and she should do it long time ago.She also called me when I was five minutes late crying wolf telling me I think you quit and you never are coming back please come back.I am quitting my job by the way as soon as she will feel better.End of the month.I need to be happy around people who are happy and see glass always half full.I think It kind of save me what I did.Cause
I told her what I think
I make it clear I want be threaten or accept abuse as something ok.
I want comply to everything as she wants .If am washing dishes I want drop it and run to do other invented chore.I will finish that and do it on my terms cause it can wait a second.
When I was growing up my Grandparents was a sweetest people around.We had great relationships and they were always happy and encouraging.I want let anyone to abuse me without telling them.My client would never change.I feel sorry for her and how she chooses to be.She is finding happiness in inflicting pain and criticizing everyone. Always trying to find someone in bad shape so she feels better about her condition. Iam not HER I choose to be happy.Money she pays is a great insentive.I get $2000 a week since January .In January spend 1650 hours with her.lol.I also slept in her bed on a top of it so she wouldn't have to yell at me to another room to take her to bathroom.I don't want to be burden/old
(0)
Report

Point if you are not doing well you can't help your Mom.Selfpreservation is most important.What a point if you going to go into depression and feel guilty etc.Start thinking about yourself go do nails hair shop go for a dinner join gym go out with friends .Be happy first !!! Once you are in a better place you can see everyone is fine and you can visit your Mom and she will accept fact that you have life and need to ENJOY WHILE YOU CAN.
(7)
Report

What a great support platform.
(3)
Report

Start a Discussion

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter