My mom has been a miserable, nasty, and hateful person all her life. As a mother she has dominated every aspect of her children's life.

My mother loves to argue with me, and she is losing her hearing, which just adds to our mutual frustration. She constantly tells me she can't hear me, and I have to get louder and right in her face to talk. It is exhausting, and leads to so many arguments about ..well life and the past and the way she always cut me down as a child. She used to call me "fats", "fatsmarty", and "miss shout a mouth loud mouth," to name just a few. I was raised with my Dad dying when I was six, and my "uncle" Al becoming my step-father, but they divorced when I was 12. Just about every time I'm with Mom now to "take care" of her, we end up in an argument. I wish she'd finally just die already. She's 88 and I don't even think she planned on living this long. My sister lives in a foreign country and can't stand her. I'm here back in my home town, where I never pictured myself being again, just to help her. I hate her but yet, I love her. Help!!

:(

That's me reading your post, ewymer.

How long have you been coping with your mother's care needs?
How much longer are you thinking of carrying on?

The thing is, one way or another, it might help if you set a time limit and look for what other options there might be.


I completely sympathise with how frustrating and harrowing together it is to have any kind of meaningful conversation in this situation.

It is wonderful when you realise there isn't any point and give up, you know. Because she is either going to disagree; or she is going to feel bad; and neither of those is going to make you feel one whit better about history.

There is more satisfaction to be gained in doing your best in spite of everything. Very imperfect best, in my case - but still, it's all you can do.

Countrymouse: Just you acknowledging that I am not insane is a blessing! I like the part about 'realise there isn't any point and give up' because it seems I have to do that on a weekly basis. My Mom's third and last husband, once told me in a moment of candor, "I don't think that woman is ever going to be happy." He said this before he died, and I carry it with me as a precious thought shared by a truly lovely man who became my stepfather after I had left home for college years ago. And I'm thanking you countrymouse for your kind words. :)

Wow I am so glad this page is here. I feel like our parents are living way too long, seriously, to the point where they are a huge burden on us, sort of dragging us down with them in a time when we should be enjoying our lives, the way they did in their 50's and 60's. Now I seriously feel like my generation should just bow out sooner then theirs. I live in a town where the majority seems to be people way past the age of retirement. My own mother has been retired longer than she worked! What kind of world are we leaving our own kids? Questions to ponder.

Oh Ewmyer, even though it is so sad there was comfort in knowing that it wasn't just me.

For some caregivers, if we really did follow others' advice and "care for our parents just as they once cared for us..." we'd get done for neglect and abuse!

But often the problems weren't a lack of love itself, exactly, they were to do with personalities or character traits - not to mention Fate, as in your family's losing your father - that just meant our mothers were lousy at being mothers. So you still love your mother, but it's in spite of her mothering, not because of it. In your own good time you'll find the right balance with her.

You are definitly not alone. You just described my mother, atleast the mean and nasty part. She actually didnt have alot to do with our lives. She didnt come to my graduation or wedding. I guess she couldntvb bothered. When i was a little girl she was abusive toward me. Sonetimes id stay on the backyard untill my dad got home from work, he was the complete opposite of het
Anyway,now i live with my mom during the years when my kids wete young we reconnected. So out of financial need and thinking we could help each other i made the big mistake o living with her nothing i do is right. She treats me like trash. Dhe doesnt like any of her neighbors
I can see that she isnt right in the head, but i cant convince my sister of it. Mom is paranoid, nasty ,shes been very forgetfull lately she cant see real well. And here i stay ,trying to help someone who's told me she hates me.

So your definitly not alone

Hi ewymer. I too understand what you are going through. Did you notice that this thread/topic started 7 years ago and it is still going strong? That means there are many of us with similar struggles. I'm in CA, my Mom is in OH, which is where I'm from and I cannot imagine living geographically close to her. My three brothers and I are not working together to help my Mom who is isolated by choice. She's been isolated practically her whole life and she won't take any suggestions. She's relatively healthy but in denial about needing hearing aids and she's starting to have problems walking and that could lead to way too much sitting but of course she won't consider getting to the bottom of why her foot hurts. That would mean a doc visit and she hates all docs. She was mean to me when I was a child and at the same time she dumped all of her marriage problems on me. She told me stuff that no 8 year old should ever know about their parents' relationship. My Dad passed in October of 2017 and she's been extra extra irritable and angry since then. I can't get a word in edgewise when I talk to her and she gets angry and snippy when I tell her I missed something she said and could she clarify or repeat? She doesn't seem interested in anything I have to say. Looks like one of my brother's is going to stay with her 2 weeks at a time every other month or so and I realized I can stop worrying about her isolation. I hope you can find some help. I read a story once about a caretaker hiring what the elder thought was simply a cleaning lady that does cooking. After cooking a couple of meals for her and warming up to her she accepted having this "cleaning lady" around and they were able to bring her in for actual elder care which was her actual job title. My heart goes out to you and I hope you find help soon!

I know exactly how everyone feels. My mother is 81 I am 57 and if she had her way she would be number1 in me and my brothers life. The phone rings and I go into panic mode as she expects my immediate attention - jump in the car, go round, just because she thinks I should - nothing should come before Mother. She is the most narcissistic individual I have ever met and has been all our lives. Dad left her after 28 yrs but none of it was her fault oh no !! I try to set bounderies bit it don't work - as I am the nasty one for trying to lrotect myself and my family. The sooner she goes the better - there I've said it. She is one miserable, nasty piece of work but is not to blame for her own life choices it is everybody else's fault it all went wrong. Nothing I do will ever be good enough - so why bother. God help us all with self centered, self absorbed parents - who have slways been this way.

I totally hear you . I absolutely am drained from my mom. Omg ..i can't believe she is so spiteful,abusive, mean,,among many other things. What a worthless mother. She should of never had kids. Her mental instability is so bad. She tires my dad out. We lost our GPA 8 days ago & all she talks about is "when is he getting his inheritance ?" She even told my dad...can I call your sister & ask how long it's gonna take ? Omg...wow...

It is comforting to know you are not the only one in these situations. My mother is 94 and the most toxic person i have ever known. Dad died 5 years ago and since then i have come to realize that this is nothing new. She has always been this way and as i became the only one dealing with her I've come to understand what was going on in my own life growing up with her. I am adopted also with no known siblings. Through her own comments and from other family members it has become clear that she never wanted me. She stated Dad was the one who wanted me. That being said as of yet I have not totally abandoned her. She has run family and friends away. I cannot do anything and I mean anything to please her. My wife and I decided 40 years ago we will not bring this into our house. I have totally given up trying to do anything for her, I take her to the grocery store every two weeks and call often so i can control the time i have to listen to this. You cannot talk to her about anything. She cant hear and wants to do nothing about it, says she cant see well, if I mention the doctor she shuts me down right away and baits me for an argument.
There are a couple of things I cannot seem to let go of , she accuses me of stealing her money and she attacks my wife and daughter by accusing them of stealing things out of her house. Can you imagine your own mother calling you a thief ??   As many of you could I could go on and on but I won't. It is just good to relieve the pressure sometimes.

Dear Muddbuggin - I feel for you, I really do. These nasty, obstinate, selfish abusive "parents" should never have been allowed to walk this planet but unfortunatly they have been !! We have to not allow them to rule our lives - but that is easier said than done. I honestly wish my mother would crawl into a hole & never be seen again & probably so do you - God bless you in alk that you have to deal with - it is not easy.

I am very happy to find this page and see Many others experiencing a similar situation to me. My just-turn 95 year old mother is eating me up inside and making me depressed, more than I want to admit to. My father died in 2002, leaving my brother and I in care of my mother. She has always been fericiously independent and it is just killing her that she can’t take care of herself and make ALL her decisions. She has been dealing with dementia issues for the past ~2 years and her personality has become nasty, selfish and self-centered, worse than dealing with a child.
She has caregivers taking care of her most of the day in her house and put it in her durable POA statements that prevent us from getting her into a nursing home. She also loves to play my brother against me despite just about the only thing he does for her is talk on the phone with her. She will cal and call and call him, as much as 25 times within 2 hours but will not call me unless there is something drastic issue with her finances. I have taken over most of her finances and taxes because bills were not getting taken care of, she cannot write checks anymore, her handwriting is so bad and does not leave the house so no banking, etc. My life coordinating with caregivers and handling things, including repairs from a distance (I live 800 miles away, whole other story with even more resentment of my mother’s part).

I hate to say this but I wish her miserable existance would hurry up and end.

She has no quality of life: poor eyesight, can’t hear worth a darn but won’t get hearing aids (costs too much money, she is too cheap for words); incontinent both ways and refuses to change Depends after sitting in them for 2-3 days. Broke both hips, both upper arms and has very limited mobility so sits in one spot all day, refusing to do PT (complains they hurt her, more stubbornness). Just nasty, nasty, nasty....

Her crowning blow recently for me is calling me on my birthday to tell me she wasn’t going to call and wish me happy birthday, send a card or do anything. She only called because she was badgered by a caregiver and as soon as she told me this, she hung up on me!! So over her...

Watching a very old, dementia case slowly wither away has got to be the absolute worst thing for any child/family to have to go thru!!

Thank you! I cannot believe I am reading this! Are you sure we don’t have the same mother lol. My mom just turned 65 and walked away from her house and moved herself in with me and my family. It’s been 8 years. She lives with me for free. She has a car and can take care of herself. She spends all her money on the first of the month and I have to buy her necessities for the rest of the month. She literally hates me or that’s how she acts. We are at the doctors now and she started talking loud and saying I don’t make her appointments or do anything for her! I don’t know what to do?

Omg. Have just started reading and oh yes, we must have the same moms. In hospital right now, with 83 old mom. Yes, she is nasty to me, my brother lives 5 hours away, so no help!! She has a UTI, which makes her worse. It scares me to think, what if I grow old and treat my child own child this way😭😭. Sorry everyone is going tbrough this, but glad th it s is the only time I dont feel alone!

I need to stand up to my 81 year old Mom. I can no longer stay on the phone with her when she negatively rants and curses about someone or she does her blue streak of talking, talking, talking, blah, blah, blah. It has never occurred to her that listening to her is no fun. She truly is in her own little word. After being on the phone with her it takes a day or two for my feelings to catch up with me. And I start bingeing. And with bingeing I make myself sick. I don't drink or drug but I binge. I don't want to be a victim to my overwhelming emotions, my eating disorder or my mother's behavior. I'm going to write a letter to start so she can see in black and white what I want to get across. Then when we talk on the phone I'm going to interrupt her as needed. Also, I'm going to try something. I'm going to tell her that I'll help her with the art of conversation. After I share about something going on in my life I'm going to ask her to comment on what I've just said. Fortunately my Mom has a sense of humor. I hope to explain to her that when she describes each individual neighbor as an a**h*** it takes me back to my childhood when my parents would fight and curse and it makes me sick to my stomach. I'll report back to this forum and let you know how it goes. For those of you in the deep throes of Mom's insanity, remember you are not alone. And you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness.

Karen28d

It sounds as if me & you are long lost sisters perhaps? This is not what i pictured getting older. I think I have been put thru enuf with my mother when i was a child. Now in my adult life I'm not going to let her verbally & emotionally abuse me. Sooner or later she's going to b in the hospital & I hope they don't waste their time calling me. I'm not going to her funeral either. I've had to deal with my daughters death. All by myself. She was 4. My mother so called...has NVR never ever been one. So.why should I care ? Hope you can move my dear ..thinking of you! ((Hugs))

It's okay for you to have some time on your own since it's your life and not hers. I'm sure her needs will be met in the assisted living.

You're not alone. My mother is the same. Nothing nice to say about anyone.

I could have wrote this. I have always said that my mother's bad behavior will not dictate my behavior. I've treated her the way I would want to be treated, but I am to the point I cannot stand her. She makes me miserable. She is 79 years old and loves drama, has no filter, will not stop and think before she speaks. Is completely inappropriate in many ways I will not go into, but it is embarrassing. It would be different if she had a condition that explained her behavior, but she has been like this for many years! She loves conflict and isn't happy unless she's causing everyone else to be mad and edgy. She's her own doctor, doesn't listen to advise given and always knows more than everyone else. She is a miserable individual, but why I have no clue. She has told me many times she loves being angry and fighting, it makes her feel alive. Whatever that means. She makes up stories about people and says things we all know are not true. She is definitely a negative person who literally has nothing good to say about anything. She too has alienated all her friends and most of her family. No one is breaking down doors to visit her and she has the nerve to say "I don't understand why no one wants to visit me". I'm at wits end and I have made the decision to give her more alone time to save my sanity.

I guess I should consider myself lucky. Ndad is rarely overtly nasty, but complains constantly about me and has a penchant for attracting grifters
and exploitative people. Guess who gets to step in a rescue him? Yep.

He's paranoid in the extreme, thinks others are out to use him or exploit him
or steal from him.. I'm thinking it's textbook projection.

He has been a black hole of need, which I've graciously tried to help as he has
serious health concerns, some quite scary. But each and every time he is
better it's a new drama, new gossip, new chaos. So even though it's not
fighting, I do think the drama and playing victim and all the gossip is enjoyable
to him, regardless of the stress and drainage of funds it causes.

Not liking this type of thing and this personality pattern seems like a very healthy thing. It has destroyed my trust in my Ndad and any sense of attachment. All that is left is dreary duty. I'm trying to put up as many boundaries as possible and learn to develop a thick skin and sense of humor.
Quit hoping for change and find a way to deal with the reality as it is, instead of
how I wish it to be.

Hugs and best wishes to all who experience this type of parent. Take time off
whenever you can. Dont' leave it until it's too late and all your time off is spent
in a doctor's office!

You are not alone. I have been my mothers only care giver for almost 2 years. She doesn’t like to get a bath so that is not pleasant. She had a dr appointment last week and she didn’t want a bath and said she wasn’t going and if I tried to make her get a bath and go she would call police to me. I would like to drive off and leave her here.

Thank you for posting this. I have been so alone in being treated terribly by my 80 year old mother.

My mother has reverted back to the child-abusing monster she was when I was growing up. She started telling me things she used to tell me growing up, like: "I never wanted you, you ruined my marriage, you ruined my life, you are a terrible person, you don't deserve to live on this earth, you were born bad, you are bad, etc...." When she started telling me these things as an adult, I stood up to her and tried to explain she is responsible for her own marriage and childhood behaviors, for small children, are beyond the control of the child. She insists that I am different and I was born bad and ruined her life.

My husband seems to think I shouldn't take her seriously and doesn't see her words as all that serious. I send my husband to deal with her because I don't want to see her. My husband makes me feel guilty for not trying to work it out with her.

She is nice to others but not me. She singles me out for bad treatment and tells my daughter and husband that they are okay. She calls other family members and complains about me. I don't know how to work it out because she is mad at me for being a bad kid. I've apologized and continue to apologize for being a bad kid. I gave up trying to help her realize her role in her own life. Now, I just don't want to see her.

Is it wrong to just avoid the old mean person, as long as someone else (like my husband) attends to her needs?

No, Notagain, it's not wrong to avoid her.
What an awful bunch of things to say to a child! She should have had her tongue cut out for being so mean and possibly ruining your self esteem for life.

You have done everything you can do and, in my book, have no responsibility to her. If you have a strong negative emotion against her, it's better that you don't see her. A visit wouldn't benefit either one of you. If hubby is willing to interact with her, great. Thank him for relieving you of a mentally and emotionally dibilitating experience for having to interact with her.

There is no law saying you have to love and care for your mother (let alone someone who treated you like trash).

Try to enjoy as much of life as you can and leave her out of the picture. She was your egg donor, nothing more. A real Mom would never have said those things.

Thank you for the affirmation Sue. I'm still really hurt from the last round of word cursing. No matter if the sea hag isn't someone whose words are important in the world, she is my mother and the word curses carry a lot of weight in my mind. It takes me a while to get over the hurt of fresh new horrors.

Until this website O thought I was the only woman in earth who dared to say her mother was vicious and cruel. She always told me I was the ugliest daughter. Now I am her primary caregiver, manage to stay civil. I have multiple sclerosis which she claims is made up, am just lazy even with my neurologist telling her. So so tired of this. I am so grateful to all of you on this thread for allowing honesty. Not every mother was meant to be one.

I feel so badly for all of you -- I thought that I suffered from a mother who didn't really care for daughters but only for the one beloved son, who died of cancer at the age of 22. But though she was much too negative and critical, I think I was lucky compared with most of you.

My best therapy has been to love my children, to try to do the opposite from what my mother did to me. And of course I made other mistakes, and my daughter and I went through rocky times. But now she too is a mother, and we find much in common and I can finally convince her how much I love and care for her and admire her too. I do hope and pray that some of you can find the same solace, and turn sad pasts into happy presents, even if they are only fleeting moments. Cherish them.

SusanLynn1963j I printed in large purple font the last 2 sentences of your post and framed it. Thank you for reminding me (us) that we are human.

I am in the same boat as you only worse. I take care of my mom in her home full time. With the same history and feelings as you. At night my mind rittles me with guilt for not touching her unless it's off a curb or getting upset for peeing all over because she refused to wear a depends. I have no advice for you. I'm sorry. But if you know how or what I can do to get her into a home or me out of here please tell me. Her medications, insulins and depends with rent takes all of her ssi. She needs more care than I can give her. I think you should have your Xmas on a day before or after Xmas with your mom, so you can enjoy Xmas without guilt. Good luck. It sucks that we grew up with nasty mothers.

I’ve read a book called “Boundaries in Marriage” and it saved my sanity. I’m thinking we can apply the same principles in our relationship with our mothers.
We aren’t robots! We are human beings that can decide whether to tolerate mistreatment from other’s or not. We are now old enough to know better and are no longer that helpless child who had no power over those hurtful situations that occurred throughout our childhood! Set healthy boundaries and you will also have sanity in your life!
God Bless

Hi, you are not alone, I am experiencing the same thing, I am the youngest and only child speaking to my mother, I am now stuck with her! I think she might be getting some kind of dementia or something but she won't go to the doctor, in case anyone might see she is not perfect!!! I feel your pain, try to stay positive and strong, you are NOT wrong to feel bad, SHE is the manipulator who ruined your life, like my mother she does not deserve your love. Be strong!