My mom cannot live alone any more. I need some advice on what to do with her.

How about some of the private "group homes". They are much less expensive than assisted living....may be worth a look.

How close are you to Pennsylvania? I am in NJ too and I put my father into an AL in PA since it was about half the price as NJ. He likes the place but also doesn't take in too many of the activities either. The cost for him right now is $4500 per month. My boss is paying $9400 a month for a place for his mom in NJ.

I had the same situation my mother fell 3 times within the last year-and-a-half. The nursing home I placed her in is right next to my work , and they take great care of their patients. So it's not assisted living but it's close. Prior to the last fall she basically sits home all alone during the day bored out of her mind, so, she wanted to stay lots of activities and people. And i decided it was time for her to stay. Of course now her memory is going and she wants to come home. I can't risk another fall. We don't have the money for assisted living or the $20 per hour Home Care so I got a good lawyer he opened a Medicaid pooled Trust to protect what money she had left and qualify her for Medicaid. And also protect me because I deeded half the house 10 years ago and the other half last year. Protecting it with a caregiver exemption since I've lived there 14 years taking care of her and my disabled sister, who is also now in a nursing home and I have to deal with keeping Medicaid alive for her even harder since she's MRDD. I have no life, everyday is a constant struggle to keep these two poor people where they should be, and all they wanna do is come home and all I want them to do is come home but I can't. It's not in their best interest.

Have you looked into shared housing options closer to your home? Many elders have big houses but empty nests. Making matters worse was that many seniors lost a lot of wealth in the 2008 financial crash. Some of them got creative by opening their homes to other seniors. There are matching services especially for seniors wanting to room with other seniors.

We had caregivers for my mother in law for 2+ years. We just moved her into assisted living and she doesn't like it, but we finally feel like we have our lives back. Dealing with the caregivers was not easy. The mother in law didn't like having them around and took her frustrations out on them. She was mean and caused stress for everyone. I wish we'd moved her right into assisted living and skipped the caregiver route entirely. She's still not thrilled, but she's safe and doing okay.

If you decide on the little house and caregiver give some thought to caregiver sick days and weather issues when they cant's get there. If you're having a live-in, be very mindful of caregiver burnout. One on one is very intense for both of them. By that I mean neither will have unlimited patience with each other. Also, if they are not through an agency, you will have payroll to contend with. Keep in mind needs will increase, and the costs will go up. In the short term, it might be the best option.
The think with assisted living is that they get used to it. The other residents will get to know your mom, and take an interest. They look out for each other. As long as she has tablemates, the bonding will happen. Over time, your mom will come to like it.

And all our govt can do is make sure we keep ourselves alive (tickets if we do not buckle up with seatbelts, stop smoking, no drinking) only to end up with this indignity of living too long!!!!! Most citizens cannot even afford the premiums necessary for a long term care policy after they pay the local, state, fed taxes to even have a chance to die with any dignity! As for me, I choose to die early from my "bad" lifestyle choices of drinking and smoking and never wearing my seatbelt rather than to burden my children with the question of what to do with me!!!!!

Thank you. She has very little money, barely enough to pay her bills. We're thinking we can afford to bring somebody in 4 or 5 days a week for 6 hours every day and that will at least give us time to think and her time to realize it's time.

Hi PapaJeff - It's been almost a year and a half since I started this post. I decided that Assisted Living was the answer. My house is very small and my mother needed more care than I could give. Assisted Living is VERY expensive but she sold her house and made some money but it was all given to AssistedLiving. She's now applying for Medicaid. The facility she's in will take Medicaid after you've exhausted your assets. I would check around and see if there are Assisted Living facilities in your area that will take Medicaid after your mother's assets are depleted. To get more familiar with Medicaid, call your social services office in your county. Making an appointment with an elder care attorney would help too. I wish you the best of luck. It's not easy.

Hello, I found your post as I was searching for a solution to the same problem. Edna is going to be 100 in July of 2012, she has lived on her own all her life but can't really manage any longer. She lives in New Jersey. She cannot afford most of what's available to folks in her position. How did you make out?

Thanks DMP. Assisted Living is very expensive esp since the day we signed the papers to get her in they upgraded her care to almost $2075 per mo more than we expected. That plus the rent is exhorbitant. I checked around and visited several places here in NJ and they're all a la carte. The ones that weren't were awful. I wouldn't want my mother to stay a day at those. They said my mother must stay for 2 years before she can apply for Medicaid. At that rate every dime my mother has will be gone. With the economy being the way it is, I don't even think she'll be able to make enough to pay assisted living for a full 2 years. I've got to think of something else. My Dad passed away when I was young so my mother paid the house off herself by working every day and standing on her feet. I think that's why she has so much trouble with her legs now. It's just so sad. I may just say the heck with it and clear out the master bedroom and let my Mom stay there. I can then hire someone to come in and check on her but I'll be there at night and be able to do the cooking, laundry and anything else she needs. At least she'll be comfortable and won't have to worry about anything. This is such a tough decision. It's all my husband and I think about.

A caretaker can be very expensive also my mom had one. It start out 4hrs a day then went to 8 at 17$ an hr and she was not happy with someone being in her house. assisted living is expensive that is what i am looking into now.
It is hard to make them happy and keep them safe
good luck to you.

I never heard of adult foster care. Never hurts to check it out. Thanks. A friend gave me the name of a caregiver she interviewed for her father who she really liked but her father didn't. She said her father is very difficult to deal with and doesn't feel he needs a caretaker but she said the woman was excellent. I'm going to set up some interviews. Assisted Living is so expensive. I can't see paying all that money is my mother is unhappy and won't utilitze any of the activities. I'm trying so hard to do the right thing.

What about Adult Foster Care? We had really good luck with that with my father-in-law. It only had one other man at the time. Plus it was cheaper than Asst living.

thanks edvierajr. I think so too. I just called her and she's miserable.

KAY2:

I'm sold on renting the little home and hiring a caregiver.

Sorry I didn't include why. Mom fell 3 weeks ago and wound up in the hospital and then rehab due to swelling in her legs from arthritis, blood infection. This is the 4th time this year she's been in the hospital and rehab. She's used up all her Medicare days so this last stay she had to pay privately. She has her own home but there are a lot of stairs to climb to get into it. My husband and I are getting the house fixed up to sell. She's trying out Assisted Living at least for a month or two and she already hates it. She's not mobile enough for AL b/c she doesn't feel well enough to take part in all the activities. AL is too expensive to just use as living quarters and she's not at all ready for a nursing home. I don't know what to do. My house is a retirement home so I've got limited space. I thought maybe renting a little home close to my home would be good and then I could hire a homemaker/caretaker to stay with her. I visit her at least 4 times a week so this would be much easier. It would be a lot less expensive than AL. I don't know if this is the answer. Need some advice.