My mom is constantly saying she wants to die.

Getting the right drugs for mental conditions can be a long process of trial and error. Has her doctor been informed that the present prescription doesn't work? Maybe it is time to try something else, for your Dad's sake.

Could she go to day care 5 days a week?

There's a saying that just popped into my mind, 'you know what they say, GUILT, the gift that keeps on giving'. Your mother has got that down to a science I'd say.
If you and your dad couldn't do anything about that guilt/martyrdom thing when your mother wasn't mentally impaired, I don't know what can be done about it now. Maybe some sort of drug like Jeanne suggested.

My mother who is 83 that has dementia from a past brain tumor says the same thing...The old I want to die or I'm going to die is a attention giver...She wants attention on your guilt...I'm 83 & my death is soon (tug at heartstrings) I tell her I'm dying too..she says me first! Then I say Are you God? you don't know what can happen & at this rate your killing me w/antics so I will die before you? Then she laughs! Laughter is the best medicine..Put on a funny old movie she enjoys. (tell her you love her) Try to include her in family get togethers...Don't seclude her...Thank God for those 3 mornings...I have mine 24/7 (thank God for sleep) But one day I know she will join my dad in heaven so at least I have her here while I can? God is watching over your family at this time so pray for patients! Good luck :)

Your mom has probably had a mental illness or personality disorder all of her life. It's time to get into see a geriatric specialist who deals with dementia and mental illnesses specific to the elderly. Do this for your dad's sake. Some people make others so unhappy all during their youth and middle age and refuse to get the help that could make their world brighter and their relationships closer. At this time, it's not so much up to her as it is to you to get her evaluated and see if anything can be done to make the end of her life better. Not just for her, but for all of you. I hope there is a solution for you and wish you the best. Love, Cattails.

Uh for the comment from Cattalis? Real sweet saying that she had a mental illness all her life of her mother before this dementia? (Idiot)
Her mother has dementia but still can comunicate w/her family? She feels useless now & old & the last thing anyone can tell her is she's retarded? The elderly are like children again constantly needing assurance that they are loved & useful...even if it's just to fold the washcloths?
We are all in the same boat everyday getting older to that crossroads in life & hope that you are not put down saying she always had mental problems like you did her mother when you get to that age?

Godzie: Read the original post from tbumpy. Her mother has said these things all of her life and it's now worse due to dementia. Maybe there is medication that can help. I wasn't trying to insult her mom.

I agree with Cattails - I think my father and I were in denial for so long about my mother's mental health issues. Like tbumpy, my mother has been saying she is going to die ever since I can remember. This is not "normal" - and my mother's negativity and manipulation made my father's life miserable; as well as mine.

I also agree with Jeanne about getting the proper medication. It took professionals to make me understand that my mother has and probably always had a personality disorder. That combined with dementia is a difficult scenario. She is finally on the proper medication, but it took years as she refused. I tried so hard to get her on medication after working with psychiatrists she had been evaluated by. And Godzie, mental health issues are not calling .someone "retarded" - it is what it is and until it is properly diagnosed and treated; it is quite destructive to both the person and family. My mother is finally on the "right" meds and such a difference it has made - she is finally doing better after all these years.

I hope you can find some help as Cattails recommended; especially for the sake of your Dad. Take care.

3pinkroses: I am so happy to hear that your mom is better due to the right meds. It's really like a miracle isn't it, a life changing miracle. We have a friend who had problems with both of his hips. For years he suffered and it took him forever to get from place to place. He finally had surgery done, one hip at a time, and the results are nothing short of being reborn. The pain is gone, he walks with ease. He's even on a bowling team now.

To me these are miracles in the lives of those who suffer and I am always moved to see these miracles happen. Thanks for sharing about your mom. I hope it gives tbumpy the encouragement she needs to seek out help for her mom.

Love ya, Cattails.

My mother-in-law used to be pretty mean to me in the early days. She was a career woman, and never could understand why I would want to stay home and take care of our son and my husband, when I could be out there making money. Well now it's 40 years later, she has dementia, macular degeneration, widowed and lonely. Now she's sweeter than pie to me, and SO very grateful that I'm NOT out there working, but can spend my time with her. So it really was all about her in the first place, when I made her feel guilty for putting her job ahead of her 3 boys and husband. And it's still all about her, cause now I'm willing and able to see that she doesn't stay cooped up all the time in her asst. living place. I've had to have a couple of surgeries in the last 3 years, and I know very well that she's thinking 'how is this going to affect me?'. It is what it is, and I'm okay with it (now). ha

Oh my, Godzie, if you think that all mental health issues come down to the playground taunt of "retarded," I hope that means you have never had to deal with real mental health issues up close and personal. I hope you can continue to be so sheltered.

But when a serious, dedicated member of our board, like cattails, suggests a mental illness, it is like suggesting someone may have had undiagnosed diabetes, or perhaps should be tested for sleep apnea. These statements are not at all insults. They are trying to get at what is wrong in order to deal wth the situation effectively.

I'm sorry, but someone who constantly, all her adult life, moans about wanting to die is not mentally healthy. tbumpy, the original poster, thinks she may have borderline personality disorder. Talking about these things is perfectly acceptable here, just like talking about copd, chf, diabetes, or any other problems that the people we care for might be experiencing.

What is insulting is to lump all mental disorders together as "retarded" and to think that is offensive. People who are retarded are entitled to dignity and respect, too. None of these disorders are insulting. They just are what they are.

In addition to what Jeanne said - the word "retarded" is rather outdated and not anymore an excepted word to describe people who are "mentally challenged" or" developementally handicapped". These are kinder words to use and politically correct, so to speak. Saying someone is retarded is just not respectful. Mental health disorders come in many forms.

There are some people with dementia who truly want to die....their lives that used to be filled with love and joy and peaceful contentment has been stolen from them and they are mentally tormented every waking minute of the day. I believe my own sweet loving mother truly wants to to die. She cries all day about why she can't remember what she had for breakfast and that she can't remember her grandchildren and that she is taking up her family's time and that she can't even get herself dressd etc etc...what about these people???? She isn't playing any "guilt" card and never did, she isn't mentally ill and never was, she isn't trying to "punish" her family in any way...she has a physical "brain" disease no different from cancer of an organ. Why is it so hard to believe they don't really want to die??
I would.

Sorry, My last sentences was typed incorrectly but it's the most important sentence of my post so I would like to correct it: "Why is it so hard to believe they DO really want to die?"

When my deaf Gran was in a nursing home she would share a room with the crazies because she couldn't hear them. One woman would scream "oh Lord please take me I'm ready to go". One day the Lord finally did.

My Mom says the same thing, but only to me. When I've tried to discuss it with her Doctor she just says everything is wonderful. Christmas Day while I was driving her from her assisted living home to my house I got so mad at her for talking like that when we got in I announced it to the whole house. It embarassed her enough she realized how distressing what she was saying was.

Now instead of saying she wants to die she says she's depressed. I guess that's an improvement.

I've also realized when she says how much she misses her home, etc. She just misses it and knows that she couldn't live there anymore. It's my own guilt for moving her that feels bad about it.

Ohiodaughter, I can believe that some people really want to die. People in severe physical or mental pain or grief or guilt -- I suppose there are a number of factors that might drive someone there. When my husband realized he had dementia he felt cheated -- "Why didn't I die of a heart attack, like all my brothers?"

Reading tbumpy's original post here, there is a pre-disease history that suggests to me (but doesn't prove) something else is going on.

But you raise an interesting question. What about those cases where the person simply and truly wants to die?

Some people believe in assisted suicide.

I guess I would still try to ease the anxiety and try to make the person feel somewhat better. My original post would still be my answer, as much for the poor woman's husband as for her. I would also talk about a health care directive that does not prolong life in any way.

I tend to agree with a previous poster who mentioned that, if she had had this sort of personality before the dementia, then there is very little that you can do about it and it does sound lilke there was a personality disorder that wasn't dealt with previous to the onset of dementia.
I hear the same thing from my mother, age 86. One day before she came to live with us I got a phone call from her in which she said "I'm tired of being sick......I might as well take an overdose". How do you answer a comment like that?
I believe it is mostly an attention-getting attempt at garnering pity for themselves. When my mother said this, there was nothing wrong with her, other than the fact that she had neglected her health so badly (ate with abandon even though she had diabetes, refused to take her medication because she "didn't believe" what the dr. said or that the pills were helping her)
and also she just wanted to be left alone to her own devices and didn't want to have anyone telling her what to do.
The previous posting is correct: these problems have existed long before any of their serious health issues came along.......I know this because, for 25 yrs. my mother complained that I "wouldn't" drive, she lived in another town by her own choice, constantly asked me "what will happen when I take sick", and said to my brother when I bought a new house, "well they better have a guest room".
They are clever and devious when they want to be, and masters at guilting you into getting what they want - their skills at manipulation are unparalleled.
So the next time she says "I just want to die", say to her "so based on your behaviour in life, where do you think you'd be going? Heaven or Hell?" I guarantee you a stunned silence, and maybe she will think twice before she tries to pack your bags for your guilt trip.

My mother purposely completed all the "directives" in the world many years ago to avoid just the situation she is currently in. She now lives with 24 other people who also have "directives" and have been living a really painful "Groundhog Day" for 6-8 years because they keep feeding themselves even though they don;t remember that they have eaten 5 minutes later. If there is a "directive" to help me avoid what my mother is enduring please forward that to all of us so we can fill it out and fast.

Interesting discussion. May I add that both the father and tbumpy might benefit from caregivers support group and/or professional consultation to learn to "detach with love" (as in taught in the support group of Al-Anon for friends/families of alcoholics, but applicable in many other situations where a loved one exhibits behavior that is upsetting others...) Staying sane and healthy while caring for someone who has dememtia with other underlying/complicating diagnoses is not something humans were intended to do alone - or with one other family member. Tbumpy, please get some mental health care for yourself and for your father. Chances are, you are unintentionally "rewarding" and therefore reinforcing your mother's manipulative behavior. With behavioral health consultation, perhaps you can learn some new ways of responding/detaching from her...Best wishes to you, to your father, AND to your mother. Your parents are certainly fortunate to have you. Grace

My mom does this now also. Ever since my father passed 3 years ago repeats the same words. I want to die. Says it to my kids also. My sisters will only take her to the doctor that gives my mom what she wants and wants to hear.

All my life my father has been depressive and anxiety ridden, but also demanding, manipulative and when it suited him, outgoing and the life and soul of the party. Now he is in a care home (with my mother - who has dementia - but he does not care about that, only that she cannot care for him now) and it is all about him. He waits for my visits and as soon as I enter the building he is waiting for me and wants me to go outside with him so he can smoke etc, and moan and complain about my mother and how life is awful and he wished he were dead. If I try to do anything with my mother he tells me not to bother and that I am wasting my time as she doesn't care about anything anymore (not true). I found it very hard to cope with his 'me first' attitude and the fact that no matter what I did it was never enough, even to the point of damaging my own health. Recently I read an article which was about Narcissistic Personality Disorder (google it as it is very relevant!) and I could not believe what I was reading - it was like my dads personality laid out for all to see. It is a real 'mental illness' although I am not sure there is any treatment other than medications to treat the side effects of depression and anxiety etc, but it does mean that I now regard my father differently and find it a little (just a little but it helps!) easier to deal with him, as I know that he is unable to be reasonable and that his selfishness is not necessarily badness, just illness. I hope this helps a bit as I know how difficult a demanding and seemingly self-pitying elder can be, even when they are getting the best of care and attention. You are most definitely not alone!

Response to: "...So the next time she says "I just want to die", say to her "so based on your behaviour in life, where do you think you'd be going? Heaven or Hell?"..."

This is shame-based theology, to say the least. If shaming would help people, we would all live forever. Try ignoring undesirable behavior instead....and think about getting some help for yourself so you don't feel a need to punish or "manipulate harder" than your mother. Blessings to you, G~

Sounds like your parents are still living at home......Hopefully your parents have done some estate planning.

I agree with NancyH - some of them have this guilt thing down to a science. My mom was almost 89 when she passed - she was very healthy for her age until her fall and she broke a hip and she was always mentally fine - she remembered things so good she could have been a detective. She survived hip surgery only to code the next day -then it was 4 months of rehab & hospitals - she developed MRSA, c-diff, pneumonia, blood clots, and then developed a hole in her colon which was the end. However she WAS ALWAYS alert - right up to the last 4 days of her life in Hospice. Anyway, since she was in her 70's she would always say "oh, I should just die", "maybe I'll just die and then you'll miss me". She would say this even when dad was alive (he died in 97). I lived ten minutes away from them and my husband and I were always going out with them and the grandchildren were always visiting and she loved them both. (I'm an only child). At first I used it as an opportunity to discuss her directives and wishes - thinking that was her way of bringing up the subject and wanting to discuss it. Then all that was settled and she continued saying these things . When dad died, my husband and I would take her out shopping, to lunch or wherever about 4 times a week - so she was getting plenty of attention. Her grandsons visited her a few times a month - they were in their 20's. But she continued to say it to me and her grandsons. But even though she said it - she wanted to make sure she kept her regular dr. appointments and have all her meds - so there was a contradiction right there. Years ago when she was in rehab for a UTI I had her evaluated by a team of psychiatrists (3 different ones at 2 separate sessions for a total of 6). ALL of their findings were the same - she was mentally alert as a 30 year old, had total recall - both long and short term - of a 30 year old. BUT she was trying to control me and laying the guilt trip on me. They were amazed at how well she was in doing it - they would see it first hand - they made surprise visits to her room while I was there and listened to the difference of how she was when I was in the room. The nurses saw it also - she was their perfect patient but when I was in the room she would say "oh they have to take blood - OMG I'm going to be in such pain - see how bad I have it". They would be in shock because without me there she would never complain. I would purposely walk in and out of her room while they were doing something with her and her attitude turned completely each time - in fact as she was yelling in pain (while I was in the room) and then I would say I had to leave and make a phone call - she would ask the nurse if I left yet - when the nurse told her yes (even though I was at the doorway) she would start talking about the nurses children or the weather - no more yelling in pain! Oh how well she was at it!! At the ER (for one of her attention getting episodes) as I stood outside and the doctor told her there was nothing wrong - she pleaded with him to make something up "so her daughter would feel sorry for her". She played the game so well. When I would tell her that my husband and I were going away she would say "well you know I'm not going to be here when you get back". I answered "so you're going on vacation too!" to which she replied "well you TRY to enjoy yourself while I die while you're gone - you know I want to die". Another time I took her grocery shopping (she never knew how to drive) just before my ten day cruise and told her to make sure she got plenty of groceries. I met up with her and hour and a half later to find 5 items in her cart. I calmly asked why she didn't have more to which she blurted out "well while you're gone I'm not going to eat and I'm telling everyone that you don't take care of me - see I might die and you don't care". Luckily her friends and neighbors knew. . So you see she had the guilt trip down to a science!!!! I feel bad for you for what you're going through - being a caretaker is not easy at all. Make sure you take care of yourself and allow time for yourself. Get professional opinions on why she might be saying these things. Although I knew mom didn't really want to die and saw how she was trying to control me - noticed I said "TRYING" - it sure helped when the psychiatrists confirmed it! Good luck!

Forgot to say - the best advice I have received on this constant commenting of "Maybe I should die, then you'll miss me" and "I just want to die" is:
DO NOT ENGAGE......that's what they want. They just want a pity party for themselves and want to chew about all their ailments and be heard. It's just another form of manipulation.
When they start that, just say "Uh huh" and walk away, change the subject, distract them somehow or ask them about their past -- they love that and are only too happy to talk about themselves.
Or tell them that you have something on the stove, have to take the laundry out, etc. I'm not saying that you should negate their feelings -- everyone deserves to be heard -- but when they get on that incessant rant, and it keeps repeating, then try another tactic or strategy with them.
We had to move from a magnificent house to a one-floor condo but my mother is enjoying it the most, because it gave her control since she does pay a meagre amount of rent and now is in the middle of everything. Also there are a ton of seniors in here, so she can commisserate with all of them about what she thinks ails her. She was disliked and avoided in her old apartment for this very reason.
She was jealous of the swimming pool (!!) at the house, because that took me away from her, so I wasn't allowed to get any enjoyment out of that, and she is also jealous of my granddaughter and doesn't waste any time telling me "I don't see why you have to look after her all the time" which is not her issue to comment on anyway.
So if it isn' t the "I wish I could just die" , it's something else!! Be careful what you wish for, I say!! Our family lost two young members of its community this weekend and I'm sure they weren't wishing to go at age 25 and 41 so why can't she just appreciate what she has and be grateful to be alive and enjoy her children, grandchildren and great- grandchildren!!

My father also has dementia and says the same thing about every other day..he will hollar for hours saying he wants to die. We have tried several meds and to be honest we have not found one that works. Its just a choice of how he feels that day. The best possible thing i do is reaasure him that its Gods decision when and tell him how much i still need my dad and my kids need their granddaddy..sometimes telling him if he doesnt stop yelling and disturbing the kiddos he wont get his daily ice cream..lol beleive it or not..works ..just like taking care of a child all over again. Hope things work out for you. I feel evert bit of your pain and frustration!

This conversation has been a real eye opener for me. My Mom suffers from the effects of a brain hemorrhage leaving her short term memory really bad and her speech somewhat impaired. We have phone conversations on a regular basis and the past couple as well as earlier ones have been very depressing. She talks about the horrible sadness and wanting to die. All she ever wants is for everyone to leave her "the he_ _ alone", her words. She is the woman who won't let anyone touch her. She feels she is being mistreated and I can assure you in reality she is been treated well in the nursing home. She wants a home by herself, where she can die. Of course, there is no arguing or reasoning or any of that anymore. She is also the person, who won't let anyone help her with her toenails (haven't been cut in over a year) and now she has been complaining about a swelling on her right abdomen. However, if I suggest a doctor check it out she gets very upset. I believe my Mom has suffered with depression (untreated) most of her life. She is on medication, but I don't think it works all the time. I have hired an elder care nurse who sees her twice a month, but we cannot seem to come up with a plan. Mom trusts no one except her old doctor and I don't know if she could even be taken to see him.....it would be a huge ordeal for her to get dressed and travel to his office. Although I don't have anything to add to the wonderful suggestions made already, I just wanted to say, that one persons question can certainly help others, like me. Thanks.

@graceterry - I think you need to Google "Narcissistic Personality Disorder" in order to familiarize yourself of what these people are capable of, because it sounds as though you haven't had any experience with someone who has it.
@elaine826 - this is EXACTLY what I'm talking about - they are masters at it and you will never get ahead of them!! They are devious plotters who MUST win in order to maintain control........I know how difficult it must be for you and I am exactly where you are. When my mother was hospitalized on one of her many "visits", in came an old woman with her daughter.
The daughter was so angry that she was red in the face. The mother had pulled this trick so many times, pretended she didn't speak English and just wanted to eat and sleep.......she complained that "no one at home cared about her and they just wanted her dead". They will try anything to get the attention and control that they want and never mind the inconvenience to you. Plus they cost our health system millions with their many hospital trips and medications that they don't even need half the time!! So I can fully sympathize. You can vent to me anytime!

@libracat - very well stated - "devious plotters"! I really like that!!!!That's exactly what they are. I never let it get to me, cause I knew what she was trying to do - plus I had excellent support from my wonderful husband of 37 years and our kids. Believe me that helped SOO much - helped keep my sanity. I never argued with mom about it - when she would say something "stupid" like wanting to die, I would just walk away or change the subject - which got her annoyed but she didn't say anything, subject closed. By arguing with her I would actually let her be in control - her aim was to make me miserable and I wouldn't allow her to do it! She told her friends that she expected me to leave my husband and take care of her - and she loved my husband - he took her to get her hair done, grocery shopping, etc. whenever I couldn't. All her friends and neighbors complimented her on what a wonderful family she has. I was taking care of her - like I said before she was very healthy and mentally stable. She never drove and I did that for her by taking her to apts., shopping, lunch or whatever. I also did all her bills and banking only because she was too lazy to do it - yes for that I gave in because I felt if down the line something happened to her, I might not be able to oversee what she was doing with all that. She also commented to many doctors that she "had a daughter to take care of her in her old age and it was my obligation". Kinda controlling and expecting alot with that statement. She had me caring for her and STILL wasn't grateful. I'm just glad that others saw the way she was with me and knew the truth. That's what made it easy for me to go on day to day and not get angry with her. And yes, I agree about the cost with all her "bogus" hospital trips and meds that she didn't need. I was called from rehab (many times) saying that she told them she couldn't breathe and needed to be brought to the ER as she was putting a piece of bacon in her mouth - the nurse said she was fine and pulled the bacon from her mouth when she told the nurse that I didn't come to see her yet that day (yes, I went every day) so to "make sure I came to see her" she wanted to go to the ER! But because she claimed she couldn't breathe to protect themselves they had to call 911 and I don't blame them. But there were way TOO many times she did that. Meds she didn't need? At her regular checkup the dr. would ask how she was doing - she would say she didn't sleep the night before and out came the prescription pad. I would say to him why don't you ask her why she didn't sleep? It's because she slept half the day - so naturally she wasn't tired at night! duh - But right away sleeping meds. He would ask how she felt and she would answer oh I have a little pain here and there in my bones (she was in her 80's) and now it was MORE STRONG pain meds. Other doctors - same thing. She then would "brag" to her friends about all the pills she had to take because she was sooooooooo sick! So I guess I just took you up on your offer - I vented to you! LOL Honestly, though I want to tell you how right you are and how I love them being called "devious plotters"! Take care & God Bless.

Ohiodaughter has a point; I expect that when I become severely disable from whatever condition, mental/phyisical, I too will have the desire to die. Life, essentally, is over and you are a drag on everyone around you. I understand this attitude.
People have a right to "feel" what they feel and some are honest enough to say what they feel. Please don't call it a mental illness.
I've met disable veterans, young guys who are in their early 20's, who have lost arms, legs, brain abilities, and they'll tell you that they want to die. They have been conditioned by our culture to think that they have to "do something" or "produce something" in order to be worthy of occupying a piece of the earth. They buy this. So, is it surprising that they want to die when they can't perform up to societal expectations?
Our elders have been conditioned in the same culture. So, when they express a desire to die, it's kind of a normal reaction to lose of abilities to perform up to expectation.
At this point, you tell them, "To heck with what the culture wants, I want you to stay. Your family needs you and your love." However, when she determines that she has "had enough", she will find a way to go despite anyone's wishes. When life becomes a major struggle and they feel constantly in torture, it's kind and compassionate to allow them to go. JMHO.

I tend to agree with you "sandfox". When Mom is in the throes of sadness, I tell her that she is loved and that even though she is so far away, I still derive pleasure just hearing her voice. I can't imagaine how out of touch & lonely she must feel and how the loss of control is overwhelmingly difficult to deal with. Dementia or not, I know my Mom is still in there somewhere and she must be very afraid. I also feel that when she determines (if she can) enough is enough, she will find a way to leave us. My mother-in-law did just that! God rest her soul.