My mom is constantly saying she wants to die.

Follow
Share

My 82 yo mother has moderate/severe dementia and is being cared for by my dad and sometimes myself. She has spent her life saying she's"just going to die anyway and no one cares" "you'll all be happy when I die" etc. I believe she has borderline personality. The negative comments were bad enough when she was well but now it's constant all day and night. Distracting her doesn't work. She is on anti-anxiety meds which aren't really helping. My dad and I (dad especially) are extremely frustrated. Nothing worked when she was well either so I'm sure it's not the dementia causing it (maybe aggravating it). Does anyone have experience with this or any suggestions? This is really affecting my dad's health. She's in adult day care 3 mornings a week and we are hiring home health to start next week but it won't be every day due to cost. We are desperate for help.

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing
50

Comments

Show:
1 2 3 4 5
I am 55 with early dementia. It is not a personality disorder. It is a brain disease. Living with it at any stage bites. I want to die, too. People are clueless as to how it feels. Suicide should not be a crime. Religions that preach against it are ignorant.
(0)
Report

Just this morning I called Mom to see how she was doing after the podiatrist paid her a visit yesterday. She wouldn't talk with me yesterday. Today, she still was not doing well. She was mad at the world, and she takes our conversations to places I don't want to visit. Guess she put up quite a fuss and the doctor was able to work on one foot only and didn't accomplish much with those nails of hers. She repeatedly said she wants to die and she is sorry that she bothers me about helping her get out of "that place". Quote, "I just can't take it in here any longer". I keep repeating what I say every call and that is how much I want her to feel safe and secure and she says she doesn't feel that way in a strange place. She has been there well over a year. Her behavior seems to be getting worse, and we have discussed adding another medication for her psychosis. She is quite alert, but is sure she is going to have a heart attack.....she is very confused and loves to push my buttons. I too, am always at a loss to calm her down when she gets so worked up and starts crying hysterically. This is a dreadful disease and I wish I had done things differently early on, like move her closer to me. Hind sight is wonderful, isn't it?
Hang in there everyone. I am amazed at how many of you share similar stories to mine. Thanks for that.
(0)
Report

My mother called for everyone's attention when we gathered at her house two christmases ago. There were about 20 of us there. She held up her glass and thanked everyone for coming to her LAST christmas celebration. She's said over the past few years that she doesn't have long to live so many times, that a collective groan was given by everyone there. She was so self absorbed in her own drama, that she didn't even notice that we all pretty much rolled our eyes and didn't miss a beat. Its sad in a way.
(2)
Report

tbumpy, welcome to the board.
(1)
Report

Thanks for all the helpful comments and suggestions. It's good to know there are others who have also dealt with this all their lives. I have learned to distance myself emotionally from her but it just gets so old hearing her pity party. Ignoring it just makes things worse as she tries using other tactics to get attention. She is now on a different antidepressant which seems to help some. My biggest concern is for my dad since he doesn't know how to deal with her. He is totally against going to a support group for reasons that he won't say. His health is declining but he won't do anything about the situation and is upset with us for hiring home health. I'm sure he has depression but he says he's not. It seems everything we try to do to help him is shot down. It's upsetting to see my parents so miserable and feeling helpless to do anything. I do think at this point in her life and situation that my mom would be happy if she died and I'm ok with that. I'm not ok with my dad now seeming to take her place.
On a side note, personality disorders are very difficult to treat and it's doubtful a therapist will do much help for her at this age and unless you have a family member with a mental illness it can be difficult for some to understand what its like living in that situation.
Again, thanks for letting me know I'm not the only person who has a mother like this. I spent so many years thinking my mom was the only mother who talked like this.
(5)
Report

I would see if she would just sat down and talk to you. Maybe somewhere nice and quite to see why she feels the way she does. Has she ever been diagnose with depression along with her dementia? Will she discuss this with her dr or maybe someone else?
Landry, is their a support # number she can call or her mom call to talk to someone or our the phone # different for each state?
(1)
Report

Get her to talk to you. It will not cause her to act on it. I volunteer on a hot line and we are trained to "stir into the pain".
Having someone to talk to may be what she needs. If this is too much or difficult for you, call the Samaritans and they can walk you through this.

Do not pooh pooh it as "you're just feeling sad today", etc.
(2)
Report

Has anyone completed a depression screen with your loved one? Try to keep conversations positive if you can. Be as supportive as you can as well. Is your loved one a person of faith? Would it be helpful for a Chaplain to visit for support and prayer? Getting older is not easy-try to give her some control in her life as she has experienced so many losses. Allow her to make simple decisions in her life. Good luck.
(2)
Report

My mother who died a week ago told me that all the time. I've never been in my 80s so I really don't know what it's like. I knew that my mother was going to die. I told her that she would get to see Hunny Bear and Teenie Bopper and C.C. and Thumper and she'd be with my favorite cat, Clancy and she'd really like him--but to remember that Clancy's mine and I want him when I get there as well. I know that it is unpleasant. I heard a lot of "soon I'll be dead and you can get rid of me." I heard a lot of stuff like "nobody likes me." Don't we all feel that way. I am sorry that you have to listen to that. I've had to listen a lot.
(1)
Report

I do not see calling someone an (idoit) is doing any good for anyone.
(2)
Report

1 2 3 4 5
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Related
Questions