Elder care-Demands by elderly can be selfish and unrealistic!

Well said CarlaCB

Gnarly - you've made certain choices and they've worked for you. That doesn't make your point of view superior or more informed. It doesn't obligate anyone else to follow you or insure that they'd have positive results if they did.

My mother is one of the most unwise people I've every known. She's shallow, thoughtless, selfish, and demanding. Any culture that would impute wisdom to elderly people just because they're old is, in my opinion, ridiculous. If my mother was eligible for a nursing home, she'd be in one.

I forgive her, but that's really not the point. Should I put aside all my personal goals and desires in order to make her final years as comfortable and pleasant as possible? I don't think so. There's nothing about her being old that makes the quality of her life more important than the quality of mine. I'm sorry if those views disturb you, but people are entitled to hold their own truth and speak it out loud. Too bad if others don't agree.

So glad to find this page and discussion. I have the same thoughts / feelings about my mother. She has all kinds of things she wants me to do for her, but when I ask her to do something within her abilities towards that - like making a phone call to get information, or if I offer to schedule someone who could take her where she wants to go but it will cost her a little money - the tune changes. I find myself wondering when she really needs help and when she is just trying to maniuplate me, a behavior that goes back to when I was a child. She's in assisted living, I find it very frustrating when she wants me to take time off of work to do things the staff are paid to do for her. Don't really have a point here - other than to say I'm a little relieved to know I'm not alone and not so crazy.

Thanks. Im sorry but all the anger and want ti be rid if, seeing all as just stsrt is really upsetting. I get its hard, but please people, dont lose the best of you.
I caretook, since 16. Also, mynparents were abusive to us. But, Im tellibg you, forgiveness brought us closer, even if it was inly me forgiving.
Ive lived all alone and away from fam, too, and you can really be preyed upin out there. Family is value, unless severely dangeeous, of course. Gbless.

And, commenting about depression is just something to think about - many people don't think of angry hostile behavior as possibly relating to depression, and that's not really very uncommon. Someone lashing out and being "mean" rather than sad and crying all the time may benefit from antidepressant Rx, but someone has to think of it first :-) You are right though that more of an evaluation should be done before jumping to that conclusion.

Gnarly, don;t be too dismayed. Realize that MOST people on here are posting because the idyllic dream of a happy, rich, multigenerational household did not materialize as they hoped. Forgiveness is good but some elders are too impaired to recognize boundaries, and put caregivers and even children in danger, which can't be accepted. It is good to stay very involved with a parent who is placed in a facility of any kind to make sure that care is optimal, and I would say never say never...many people have been hurt by making that promise, and by hurt I mean lost marriages, had DCFS called because of harm to children, lost their health or even their life to the attempt to be the 24/7 caregiver to someone who really can't be managed in a home setting because of their needs or their behavior.

Why is someone practicing medicine, saying he needs to take a depressant. Psych drugs are way over used already, and a few comments here and there are no way ti diagnose and prescribe for depression.

And the very rich are on Medi, as Medi does allow any fancy car and home.

He is being jumped on, as the system is leaving many out that need it. In fact, income guidelines are supposed to have a public comment peeiod, and only 800 plus ecen commented on that last income ruling, as the public and disabled are not even given information to know and access.

Hmm, waitbtill you are old. In other countries, the elderly are always at hime and welcomed as wisdom. Practice forgiveness. You can caretake and still hold boundaries. It is scary to be old and sick. Nursing homes are for dearh and increase deaths. Whatever your religions are, listen go yourselves. Find the positive and work.on that. Life is valuable, and one day, you will be old yourself. I will never nursing home my parents, and also buy mix use zoned land, so you can open a biz as caretake, as even services such as home ekgs and labs are even covered by Medicare and Medicaud. Teach your children to help. Love is a verb. Very disturbed to see this as my first view of a aging suopport forum.

I was thinking I was the only one who thought this - and of course it doesn't help that on my mom's side of the family (i.e. cousins, uncles, aunts) are on mom's side and think nothing of the load it was for me: a daughter on social welfare trying to find employment, not finding anything out there and the stress of caring for a mother who wants to stay in her home until her dying breath - and mom doesn't even have that kind of money to support this demand. And whatever money she is using now at the long-term care home is from the sale of the house. No inheritance for me and the sibling who expects his 50% is making a six figure salary! And me...well social assistance $ is less than $10K/year (Canadian dollars).

When my older sister got married, they visited Nana who was at home, too sick to attend the wedding. Sis told me that she was shocked that Nana (my dad's mother) told the groom to beat his wife if she deserves it. She was telling him to go ahead and beat up her own granddaughter!

Oops replace feel with fell.

That was how my father's parents thought and my mother resented them. Mind you with good cause. My grandfather's idea of playing with his grand-daughter (me) was to catch my ankle with his walking stick and trip me as I ran past. He would giggle as I feel and burnt my knees on the carpet. I could never understand his humour. He once slapped me across the face one time for talking when I should ha been listening. My father told me to ignore him he didn't mean any harm. My father followed his example with my children. Not all grand-parents are admired.

Hi Kidnumber2, thanks for the advice. When I found this site about 3 years ago, I was a very bitter, resentful, sometimes filled with hatred - towards my sibs and all who thought it was their place to tell me to do more. Mom finally passed away 2 years ago. Alas! Even in high school and college, I tended to write essays with mixed tenses - present tense and past tense, from "I' to 'We" to "I". I was terrible with grammar. Sorry if I made it seem like mom was still here.

Regarding the title of this discussion - to the elderly, it is NOT unrealistic or selfish. Like my dad told me - even before he had his stroke - that that's why they have children - to take care of them in their old age. Just like he did with his mother. And mom's youngest brother did with their mother. It's a cultural thing. It's expected of us. So, to us, it's not unrealistic but expected. Otherwise, we become shameful, disrespectful children, etc.... {shrug} whatever... It is what it is.. you deal with the dealt cards (not that I know how to play poker or bridge.)

Hi bookluvr -
Sounds like you are taking the full load of care giving for your mother. Then everyone is trash talking you while they do nothing. I hate to say this, but this is unfortunately very typical. The ones who do nothing feel entitled to beat up on you, the only one who is doing anything. Every read the story of "Cinderella"? The sibs will always point the finger at you for not doing enough while they are out painting the town. They do this to deflect attention from themselves. Just do the best you can within your conscience and physical ability. Tell the truth about what you are doing.
Just imagine if you were to take a weeks vacation. They would freak out. Sounds like you are very concerned with your mom's welfare and you would not do that because no one else would pick up the slack.
I suggest you contact the local department for the aging and have a frank discussion with the social worker. You cannot force
your sibs to help out, but perhaps you can get a good personal home attendant through Medicare or Medicaid to help with your mom's personal needs so you can get a break.
Also, if she has any money, just hire someone to help out. Probably the sibs don't want anyone cutting into their inheritance so they want you to do all the work free of charge. Obviously they are taking your good nature for granted.
It is great that you love your mother. You do not have to kill yourself taking care of her single handedly.
Good luck!

Think our experiences bear great similarity !

Yes, Mercy. I remember how much it had hurt to find out he was telling lies about me being a freeloader, did nothing at all, etc... And this was before he had the stroke.

I wished I had known this years ago !

my suspicions were confirmed when I put cameras in the house for my parents protection (they were opening doors to strangers and accusing care teams of theft), I learnt the stories they told behind my back. Amazing to learn they had two faces. The one they showed me and the other one !

JessieBelle, there was a time when I wondered why dad's sister told me that I needed to help dad or my SIL's father who told me that I needed to do more in helping my dad. I was also puzzled why a government caregiver asked my brother what kind of a person I was. It took months before I finally realized that he was telling everyone that I was a bad daughter. I work full time, paid ALL the house bills, mom's medical bills and changed mom's pamper. I took over caregiving when I wasn't at work. I didn't go out socializing at all. I have 7 siblings and yet dad and everyone lectured me to do more.

I have a feeling your mom is telling 'stories' to everyone behind your back. Soon, if she's going to follow my dad's footsteps, she will also be telling it to your face. And she will believe it, too.

My father used to comment about my anger and I never understood what he meant. He asked why I was always so angry. From a happy natured child to an angry women . I never knew what he meant until I realised the cause of my anger was frustration at never satisfying the endless list of jobs both him and my mother found for me. I never got time to focus on my children, my husband and myself. The frustration in me give way to resentment and anger. Sometimes we live a life not realising we are angry. My brother made a similar comment on his very few visits across the Irish sea to visit my parents. The irony was he would not stay with them and insisted he and his family could not cope with staying with OUR parents as it was to stressful for them all.

Wow JessieBelle - that's really strange. And annoying.

Beware of the judgemental tell you what to do while they do nothing neighbor.Obviously this male neighbor has been conversing with your mom.What's up with that for you to have such an encounter with this guy?Who else has mom been "talking" to one wonders? Sorry, I just know from experience with my own "mommy dearest" I had to nip that stab you in the back behavior in the bud before she moved in. Prior to her moving in I gave conditions under which I could provide care and that one was that if she ever "lied" about me and because of this especially since I knew I would never do anything disrespectful or wrong toward her that it would be the one and only time she did it and she better have a new place to live, I refused to live as a hostage in my own home.

Had a weird day today. Went out to get some things done. When I came back, I stopped the car long enough to talk to a neighbor. It was all pleasant enough. He asked me about my mother and I said she was fine. Then he said very sternly, "Take care of your mother." I said she didn't need that much help, that I mainly did chores. He said even more insistently, "Take care of your mother." WTH?

This made me wonder if people are absolute nuts and if you're a caregiver that they feel they have the right to address you in such a belittling manner as he did. All I can say is just frak him and his disrespect.

Now the stinger is I told my mother about it and she said the neighbor was right. That I ought to take care of her. She kind of missed the point that no one had the right to address me like that.

Children have also rights, this should be remembered. I gave up many years to care for my parents, as years went by the load got heavier and heavier. It is no shame to get to a point (before you break - hopefully) to admit I can not cope any longer. A good parent would never wish to bury their child before themselves.

My parents divorced when I was young. I am never married with no kids. I have very modest means. My 5 sibs are all doing much better than me. Both parents not living in our childhood home. Everyone split up and are all over the place. Mother move 1,000 miles away (she was living about 20 miles from here until recently). I do the best I can. I am not a magician.
It is important to recognize one's own personal limitations and one's own responsibility for their own personal welfare as well. My mom is lonely, I am too. She moved 1.000 miles away. Okay. My father has a wife, he is not alone. He wants and expects nothing from me, not does he care anything for me. Great. I take care of myself, I show care and concern for my mother and I try to keep going. I am a long way from retirement, if I ever get there.
I love my mother. She is 82 years old. I am 57. There is no way for me to take care of her without completely jeopardizing my own welfare. She has help around her apartment and lives in a senior center in Florida where she prefers the weather. There are also many retirees there and she has a good social network. She has good medical care there. My sibs have discussed with her that she will move to a nursing home up north if she becomes too disabled.
For now she feels separated from her family. She is. She moved there. It was her choice. I said in previous posts if parents want the company of their children they should not move all over the place.
Not every child can afford to follow their parents around like gypsies. It is impossible for most. I think most adult children do their best.

I think parents just assume we will be there being held hostage forever if we allow it. My mom said you're off today are you coming over. I said no I'm having a date day with my husband because we're long overdue and deserve a day to ourselves. I knew she'd forget but I went on. I saw she had called several times and when I called back she initially had an attitude. I said I need time to myself, I cannot be here always just to answer every time you call. She took my head off and said I don't expect you to, but I said yes you do.

We went on fine, but I too said if something happens to me, which it could, you will have to accept help elsewhere whether you want it or not. I said you do have a son you can call too. She laughed and said yeah okay. I said really you need to prepared that if something happens, you will have to accept it.

I've been following that Dagan thread about his wife Judy and thought no way do I want to experience that kind of issue, so she'll just have to be mad.

The terrible thing is that during those terrible years of having to cope alone with mums dementia, she, the family doctor and all the carer support groups in South Australia said it was more acceptable for ME to become injured and or incapacitated than it was for mum to have her wishes for me to be her sole carer violated. They all said i had no rights at all.

The most ridiculous thing about the whole thing is - I, out of desperation, contacted the local women's prison and asked them - if i committed a crime bad enough to land myself in jail, would they organise care for my elderly mother. They reassured me they would organise care for my mother - and any pets if i had them - also the upkeep of my home including bill paying. Also, that womens prison is in the process of organising a hospital wing for the elderly and or demented parents of prisoners. It will be a state of the art hospital cum aged care centre.

My mother is a piece of work. To tell the truth, if I were in my mother's position, I would be a lot nicer to me. I don't really think she recognizes her position. In her mind, she is the generous person, helping her needy daughter. It is a story that she confabulated after I came here. She denies she ever asked me to come, even though she started asking me almost 20 years ago. This was hard to come to grips with, since I am an independent person who has always worked and am not poor. She had a need to raise herself over me, so that she is helping me and not vise versa. I don't know how much of this she believes herself or if it is just something that she wants me to believe in order to keep her own pride. Anyway... it is a most hateful thing to me, to tell the truth, so I guess I won't dwell on it. Everyone but her knows the truth. I guess the only thing we can say is we get the parents we were dealt at birth -- no way to change that.

JessieBelle - what I find interesting in your mother's statements is her failure to acknowledge that for her to stay the way she is until she dies totally depends on you being willing to stay where you are as long as she lives. There seems to be no sense that this may get to be too much for you or that you may need to take your life in another direction at some point. I find it amazing that seniors can simply disregard the fact that another person's willing involvement is necessary to allow things to continue just the way they are. I can't imagine just assuming that anyone would be willing to help me day after day indefinitely with no respite despite the sacrifices required for their own lives.

I thought about this thread last night when I was talking to my mother about how we never know what life is going to bring. We were talking about her estate and leaving it to the children. I told her that she could end up having to spend it on her own care, that we couldn't predict things that lay ahead. She was horrified at the thought that she may become incapacitated and said that she planned to stay just like she was until she died. I pointed out to her that if something happened to me, like being hurt or killed in a wreck, then her life would change in an instant. She pondered that and found it acceptable to go into a facility if that happened.

What really stuck out to me in this conversation was that it was more agreeable with her that I become incapacitated than for her to become that way. Motherly love, what can you say? I guess I know how to handle things better if she ever does need to go to a facility. I'll say I've become incapacitated.